posted
Hi, I don't post much, but many of you know me. Anyway, I'm engaged and planning my wedding for this summer. This problem just came up in that my Dad has just told me he won't be attending my wedding. Let me give you some background. After being married for 19 years, my Mom cheated on my Dad and left him and is now married to the man she cheated with. During the 4 years(1998-2002) of their separation before their divorce, my Dad tried desperately to win back my Mom, but to no avail. During this time my Dad was also very hurtful and abusive to my brother and me in many ways. But, I have put this behind me and forgive everyone involved. So has my Dad, for the most part. But, my Dad may also harbor bitterness toward my Mom's Dad(who died recently) and generally toward her family for being controlling and such.
My Dad just emailed me today saying he will not attend my wedding because of these things. Here's his email. If you guys could, please give me some advice on what I should do. My Dad is very intelligent and nothing would go over his head. I'm trying to figure out how to approach this issue, and I know I can get a variety of perspectives on here:
quote: No, I can't think of anyone else. Looking at your list I would say however, I would feel very uncomfortable in the presence of some of your guests. That, of course is not to say you shouldn't invite whomever you want. It just means I feel uncomfortable about being around people who remind me of a difficult past. A past I would rather not be reminded of...not to mention the fact that I probably remind them of the same difficult past. I have been expecting that I would have to explain this sooner or later.
So here is what I would like you to know and hope you can understand. You know that I certainly think You and Rachel getting married is a very good thing and you certainly have my unequivocal blessing. However, it is and has been my choice for sometime not to place myself in the presence of people, places or things that remind me too viscerally of the past. In other words, I don't intend to attend any function that include the Fradkin side of your family. Understand that this choice has nothing to do with anyone from that family personally, but only my desire not to bring elements from my past into my present, nor do I want my presence to be anyone else's reminder of a difficult past.
I know this may disappoint you, or it may not and you do understand where I'm coming from. Suffice it to say, this is the reality of the situation and I hope you'll understand.
posted
(First of all, Drewbert, CONGRATULATIONS. I am SO HAPPY for you, and for Rachel. So so so happy *hug*)
Second, I'm really sad that your father feels that way. Though it is a really nice email he sent, explaining and giving you his blessing...I'm assuming that it would be a great thing to have him attend the wedding, even if he doesn't think so. Do you think if he came it would be so hurtful to him as to outweigh the joy having him there would bring? What are your feelings about his being there/not being there? Do you know how your mom would handle it? How far away is he, could you spend better time with him in a different situation, such as a dinner with him and Rachel's family?
Posts: 3636 | Registered: Oct 2001
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I understand how you feel, and I just want to tell you that if you change your mind, I would love to have you at my wedding.
You are my father and I will always love you.
Your son,
Temposs
****************************
I think that's probably the best thing you can write right now. I understand that he is really hurting your feelings, but I think there's not much else you can do without making things worse in the long run.
posted
Whether his feelings of joy would outweigh his discomfort at the wedding, he perceives right now that his discomfort is too much to handle. One idea I had was to suggest to him that he only come to the ceremony and not the reception, so he can minimize his socialization with my Mom's family.
I would really love him to be at my wedding, and I know it's important to both Rachel and me. I'm planning to talk with at least one of his siblings, my Mom, and some others for advice as well. I assume he'll get a call from a few of them after I tell them. Dunno if it would help though. I'm sure my Mom will be quite peeved.
He would be comfortable with having a gathering with anyone except my Mom's family, I'm sure. Both Rachel and I are from Maryland, and my Mom and her parents live there. But my Dad now lives in the boondocks in southwestern Kentucky, and I'm in Illinois and Rachel's in Ohio. So getting a gathering may be a little challenging, but doable eventually. Having all our parents meet is pretty important, though.
Posts: 106 | Registered: Dec 2003
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posted
His discomfort is too much to handle? Grow up.
You don't blow off your kid's wedding because you have to deal with your ex. Your dad is being completely selfish.
Everyone loves I statements. They're supposed to be less threatening. So tell him flat out how you feel because he's not coming.
It's going to be uncomfortable. He'll probably get mad and say selfish snippy things. But if you don't, he'll think his behavior is somehow acceptable.
Posts: 2283 | Registered: Dec 2003
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quote: His discomfort is too much to handle? Grow up.
You don't blow off your kid's wedding because you have to deal with your ex. Your dad is being completely selfish.
Everyone loves I statements. They're supposed to be less threatening. So tell him flat out how you feel because he's not coming.
It's going to be uncomfortable. He'll probably get mad and say selfish snippy things. But if you don't, he'll think his behavior is somehow acceptable.
posted
I think it's a mistake to make this about anything other than the bald nature of the choice facing the father: "These people will be at my wedding. You can attend or not, but you will not alter this fact."
Posts: 26071 | Registered: Oct 2003
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quote:His discomfort is too much to handle? Grow up.
You don't blow off your kid's wedding because you have to deal with your ex. Your dad is being completely selfish.
I think that sometimes its better to know your limitations than to intentionally put yourself in a situation you know cannot go well.
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I understand how you feel, and I just want to tell you that if you change your mind, I would love to have you at my wedding.
You are my father and I will always love you.
Your son,
Temposs
I agree. Although perhaps you can ask if he'd be OK with coming to the ceremony, even if he doesn't stay for the reception.
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As for your dad - wow, I don't even know what to say. I do like your idea of inviting him to come to the ceremony but skip the reception. You are trying to keep his discomfort to a minimum, but still have him there for you and Rachel.
It's really sad to me that he would rather miss his son's wedding than be in the same room with his ex.
Posts: 5879 | Registered: Apr 2001
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posted
My letter comes from years of dealing with my own less than perfect father. Sometimes you just have to accept the fact that getting angry really changes nothing and hurts no one but you, and let people live their own lives. If his father really doesn't want to go, getting angry is just going to create hard feelings that are going to make it that much more difficult to get past down the road.
Don't misunderstand me, I would be really pissed if I were in Temposs's place.
Posts: 13123 | Registered: Feb 2002
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quote:Don't misunderstand me, I would be really pissed if I were in Temposs's place.
I would be, too. And I would be tempted to write a long letter explaining exactly how childish the father was being. And I would, if I were lucky, remember the wisdom in the first paragraph of your last post.
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posted
He is as far as I can tell not trying to manipulate the situation so my Mom's family doesn't attend.
He is isolating himself from hurtful situations. For instance, Rachel and I came to visit my Dad's side of the family in Kentucky(Lexington, not the boondocks), and he didn't make the 2 1/2 hour drive to spend Christmas with us even though we were going there. He has openly stated an intention to stop visiting his siblings in Kentucky regularly, because he feels like it's a one-sided relationship in which he always has to go visit them but they don't visit him(although some have visited and he very recently visited at least one sibling).
EDIT: Rachel and I drove to visit him after Christmas, fyi.
Posts: 106 | Registered: Dec 2003
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posted
Yeah, I meant to put something about how despite that, I would try and get to a place as quickly as I could where I wasn't speaking from anger. Pardon the confusion.
This thread is kind of making me really sad because it really does remind me a lot of my own pater, and it's hard for me to focus.
Posts: 13123 | Registered: Feb 2002
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quote:Originally posted by Temposs: He is as far as I can tell not trying to manipulate the situation so my Mom's family doesn't attend.
I recall issues like that with my wedding. "If you want me there, then don't invite 'so-and-so'."
I invited everyone I wanted, and if they chose not to come it was on them, not me. Let him know that while you are sad that he won't be at your wedding, and that it is a tremendous disappointment to you and Rachel, it will be his choice.
Let me tell you a story. Once upon a time there was a wonderful wedding. The bride invited all of her family, with great trepidation. Her mother and boyfriend wanted to come, but could not. Her father and wife, however, did make it. The groom was worried, for this father had left the mother and married the secretary he'd been sleeping with. The years of pain and misery that their oldest daughter went through in order to take care of that mother and the other children left deep and painful scars. Worse, all agreed that the wife of the father was unwelcome anywhere. She attempted, and still attempts, to make it so that the father abandons and forgets his first family. They get nothing in it future--wills, insurance, etc have all been written, by the unpleasant woman, to favor her children from a previous marriage. Nothing goes to his children.
Tradition has it the father of the bride pays for the wedding. He paid 0. Later, I discovered, that he claimed to have paid a fortune, which was his excuse not to pay for sister's wedding.
All assumed the unpleasant woman would keep her husband away from his daughter's wedding, but she didn't.
(Small note. Even the mother of the father disliked this unpleasant woman.)
So the wedding went off, and all were in attendance except the mother. Her illness kept her 600 miles away. Yet her side of the family was there in force.
The groom worried that a scene would emerge, that it would ruin this important day. Some fight, some heated words, some nastiness that would forever steal the bride's glory.
Nothing happened.
The bride and her father danced, and no one laughed or screamed. The groom danced with the unpleasant woman, and she didn't breath fire or sneer or whisper poisoned words in his ear.
The fact that your father wants to save you the stress and possible disruption of your wedding is a prescious gift. Take it and enjoy it.
However, if you have time, in your wedding outfits, on your honeymoon, or soon after, take him to a portrait studio and get a good photograph of him and you and your wife together.
It may mean renting a tux for the two of you, but its worth it.
On our honeymoon we drove to my mother-in-laws and did just that. I believe it is my wife's favorite picture from our wedding.
Posts: 11895 | Registered: Apr 2002
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It's made easier by the fact that I'm actually very bad at expressing anger myself. As in, I almost never get angry, and when I am I tend to not express it. I am very disappointed though and wish there were something I could do.
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posted
I just had a thought. Would it be possible for you to do a webcam or some such of the wedding so your dad, or anyone else you choose, can watch?
Posts: 13123 | Registered: Feb 2002
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posted
I largely agree with Dan and Temposs here, perhaps you can suggest coming to the ceremony (as already mentioned) but not the reception.
It's quite possible that there is some personal weakness in your father bowing out, but it sounds more to me like an attempt to avoid conflict for everyone involved.
Personally I'm in a similar situation in terms of parents (although switch the cheater, and lessen the hostilities). But let me say that at my cousin's wedding (the extended-first family event my dad came to since the divorce a few years ago) the prime focus for all my siblings was avoiding him and/or trying to get drunk (in a family that doesn't drink in general) rather than the bride and groom. I'll admit that especially in this case the bride and groom may have still had a wonderful time and most of the guests would have been oblivious to the tension, but for the dozen or so of us who were directly related to the conflict, the night was ruined.
Especially since he's so upfront about it, I'd try to accept his decision (other than suggesting the ceremony bit from above) despite the pain involved so as not to let the conflict ruin the rest of the wedding for you and everyone else involved.
Posts: 1038 | Registered: Feb 2006
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posted
Ouch... That's rough, about your dad. I'm sorry.
I would also like to chime in with my congratulations (once again), however... I know you will both be very happy. And I also like the letter originally posted by Stormy.
Posts: 7877 | Registered: Feb 2003
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posted
I don't understand the big deal. The dad doesn't want to come because he doesn't want to deal with all the pain in dealing with the mother. I wouldn't go either.
Frankly, I think weddings are way overrated and I personally detest them all. I turn down all invitations to weddings I get across the board.
Posts: 1042 | Registered: Jan 2001
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I understand how you feel, and I just want to tell you that if you change your mind, I would love to have you at my wedding.
You are my father and I will always love you.
Your son,
Temposs
Good luck.
I like Storm's idea, but I think you should take it one step farther. Something like this -
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Dear Dad,
I completely understand how having Mom's family there might make you feel uncomfortable, but this is not about facing hurts of the past, this is about enjoying hope for the future.
I hope to only be married once in my lifetime, if so, then once this event, the wedding of your son, has past, it is gone forever. Don't let the past rob you of the future.
You can come late and leave early. You can wait until the cerimony us under way and come to the seat we will reserve for you in the front. You can even quietly slip into the balcony and watch. Then you are free to leave. If anyone from mother's family approaches you, I will have no problem if you simply turn and walk away. Again, don't let the past cheat you out of the joy of the future. Don't let one painful regret turn into two, when the option is there for joy.
Regardless of your decision, the honored seat of the Father will be reserved at the front where you rightfully deserve to be. Sadly if you are not able to join us in body, then we will take joy in knowing you are there with us in spirit.
Your loving Son,
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
This is what I really believe. I seems that your father is allowing the pain and hurt of the past to steal the chance for joy in the here and now. This is not about the past. This is not about the misery caused by your mother or her family. This is about joy and hope for the future, and about you and your father.
I'm sure you can tweek this so it fits your situation better, but I think this is the tact you should take. Focus on the future, and on that fact that this is once in a lifetime; once the chance to see your son get married is gone, it is gone forever.
As I said, don't let one past regret turn into two.
Also, don't hold it against your father if he simply can't bring himself to come. Make arrangements for the three of you (father, husband, wife) to spend a special time together. Maybe go out to dinner or something. Make a special time for the three of you to personally commemorate this event. And like I said, know that if he simply can not get past the pain and be there in person, he will be with you in spirit.
posted
My mother and father had also divorced acrimoniously, and my mother -- whose second and so far final marriage had already failed by the time I married Christy -- did not want to face my father (whose third marriage was at that time in its planning stages) and his girlfriend at my wedding.
She begged off a few months prior.
And I sent her a note almost identical to what Storm Saxon wrote above.
Until the week before the wedding, her attendance was a question mark; we saved a seat for her and budgeted for her nonetheless, and were grateful and surprised when she showed up.
Moreover, everyone was thrilled to see her, and she was glad to have the opportunity to catch up with other family members she hadn't seen in a while -- even if she and my dad were still a bit brittle towards each other. I'm glad she came, and she was glad to have come -- but I don't think I could have forced it.
Posts: 37449 | Registered: May 1999
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posted
Weddings are hard when families have been divided by pain and divorce. I know that when I got married it must have hurt my bio-dad a lot when I decided to have my step-dad walk me down the aisle and I danced with him first. But it was my wedding and I only plan to have the one so I did what I needed to do. I invited who I wanted and hoped all would come. My step mother and half sisters did not come because I think they were ticked off I didn't ask them to be in the wedding. It hurt but I had attendants that I felt were part of our lives, not duty bound people that you just have to ask. It was sometimes weird seeing my parents together and I am sure my step-dad would have gladly throttled my bio-dad but it went well. With a well thought out seating chart all things are possible! But what I want to convey with this drawn out ramble is this is ya'll's day. Try not to have regrets from your stand point. Invite who you want and it's on them from that point. Celebrate your love! This is ultimately just for you two and no one else. Congrats and many, many happy years to come!
Posts: 601 | Registered: Sep 2002
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posted
I may be a little less forgiving, as my own father is dead and thus will never see me get married. He'll never have the chance.
So to think of a father who'd actually choose not to go to his son's wedding...
well, my emotions are unrelated to what's good or bad in this situation. Time to ignore me, I'd suggest.
Posts: 1577 | Registered: Sep 2005
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Make it clear that he is creating painful memories for you by refusing to come...
This may not have been as central to your point as it seems, but I think it is a bad idea to lay a guild trip on the Dad. The guy already feels miserable, no point in adding to the misery.
I intentionally tried to avoid that in my sample letter. Try to focus on what your Dad will lose if he doesn't come, not on how you will feel if he isn't there, and keep the focus on the present and the future rather than the past.
And, understand that he is still in pain from the events that have befallen him. Though I think getting past the pain would be far better served by confronting it and moving on, rather than let it restict and control you life.
In one sense, "SCREW THEM, let THEM feel uncomfortable, I'm going to my sons wedding whether they like it or not".
posted
Congrats on the engagement. I watched the video - and I have to say it's a strange feeling. Being so close to something so important, life-changing and just plain awesome to people you have NO CLUE about was a little off-putting at first. I sort of felt like I was snooping?.
I hope that whatever resolution comes re: your Dad and your wedding works for all of you. You two seem like some pretty cool people with a pretty cool support group of people around you. I have Faith that it'll work out as it should, in a way that works for everyone.
I think your father is being immature and ridiculous, personally. It's not about him and he needs to quit thinking of himself first. He needs to think about his son, and how this is the most important day in his life.
In your father's email, I read a lot about how he wanted to avoid unpleasantness to himself. I would be much, much more sympathetic if his email was more like "I'm afraid there may be a scene and it will ruin your day." Instead, what I get out of that is "My feelings are more important than yours and I care more about how I feel than whether or not I'm hurting you." Geez, grow up and quit being such a jerk.
As a parent you have to do a lot of things you'd rather not for the sake of your children. It's part of the sacrifice demanded of you when you choose to bring that child into the world. Your father may be a great guy normally, but here he's acting like a spoiled child who won't play unless he gets to make all the rules.
Now, the question is - do you tell him all that? Only if you think it will help. If, instead, you think it will just cause problems, then dont' say any of it. I will tell you, though - if you're really hurt by his refusal to attend - you should tell him. Maybe not until it's all over to avoid putting a huge guilt trip on him but do sit him down and tell him how he disappointed you and hurt you. Don't let that fester without expressing it. It will only hurt your relationship later.
Posts: 14428 | Registered: Aug 2001
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posted
Know that I take each of your comments to heart in deciding how I should go forward(even stithl1's ^_^). You all have been very helpful and I welcome more comments if anyone has anything to add.
Posts: 106 | Registered: Dec 2003
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posted
You are right, I didn't mean to make them uncomfortable adn put them in a bad spot just for kicks.
My point was to make sure that he knew how much his refusal would hurt you, but to also say that either way you would have your special day.......but that it would be more special if he was there, even briefly.
I think that missing this will hurt him as well, even if it is his choice, but sometimes that fact gets lost in the old pain until it is too late to prevent it.
It isn't about a guilt trip, or about making someone else hurt more/again, or even trying to force someone to do something they don't want to do....it is about being clear about how much you want him there, and letting know that you disagree with his choice even though you understand it.
Your wedding shouldn't be about hi,m, but about you, and he should be adult enough to know that by now.
Best of luck, and congrats!
Posts: 15082 | Registered: Jul 2001
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posted
This whole thread has made me feel very sad, as I see, once again, how the multiple marriages and divorces of my parents continued to poison those special and hopefully once-in-a-lifetime events for my brothers and sisters.
I think I'm the only sibling that didn't have family feuds at my wedding because I gave everyone less than two months notice and a date all at once. I also gave them all tasks (it was a home-style, potluck, low budget affair complete with throw-away cameras, bring your favorite wedding music, help arrange the living room furniture the night before . . . etc.)
Stormy has the right response, I think, Temposs. And ALL your feelings are okay. Bless you for not reacting, and being thoughtful and loving.
Posts: 5609 | Registered: Jan 2003
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posted
In addition to asking him to come to just the ceremony, you may want to provide him a seat on the bride's side of the room, or somewhere where he won't have to sit near anyone he might have trouble with.
Posts: 368 | Registered: Dec 2005
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posted
I really don't understand why everyone is so willing to give Dad a pass on this one. His behavior is childish at best, and I don't see a problem with Temposs saying so.
What's Dad gonna do? Not show up cause he's mad instead of not showing up out of apathy?
You don't have a relationship with someone who doesn't show up to life. And Dad's not there any time it's not convenient for him. You can't damage something you don't have in the first place.
Posts: 2283 | Registered: Dec 2003
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posted
AR, I don't think people are giving the father a pass so much as trying to give advice that minimizes the hurt to Temposs. He may well be acting childish, but whether calling him on it would do more good or ill (and cause more hurt feeling for the poster) is another matter.
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In the cold rational light of day, perhaps it is easy to say Dad is being selfish, but in the darkness of a broken heart, how can you not understand?
I don't know the specifical of this particular 'Dad's' life beyond what Temposs has told us. But it is fair to speculate that when he married his wife, he felt he had a best friend and a lover forever. He invested all his hopes, dreams, and visions of the future on her. Then one day the love of his life, the mother of his children betrayed him.
That has got to hurt. I think the worst pain there is is heartache. It makes every inch of your mind and body ache with a pain that hurts so bad you wish it would finally kill you. It is a dark, deep, miserable pain that cuts you to your soul. It should not be discounted.
Yet, as with all grief, at some point, life must go on. At some point, the future has to become more important than the past. At some point you have to accept the pain and the circumstances, and let it go. But Temposs's father apparently is not at that point yet. LIFE HURTS and it hurts bad, and that heartache is not a pain you want to aggravate or trivialize.
Still, this is a once in lifetime opportunity to celebrate life. To, for one small moment, set aside the pain despite the presence of painful reminders and remember that you can't let the pain stop you from living. You can't let the pain of the past rob you of the joy in the here and now.
Only time and effort will heal that pain, and until that time and effort have come to pass, the pain will be there, but so will the opportunities for joy. Don't let one cheat you out of the other.
Again, I don't know the exact circumstances of these people's lives, but it seems obvious that the father was hit with a deep and unexpected betrayal of trust and faith, AND THAT HURTS; IT HURTS TO DEATH.
Because of this, I'm willing to cut the father a little slack. But at the same time, facing your pain will go a lot farther toward healing it than wallowing in it.
As several other have said, this is a very sad and emotionally painful discussion. It makes my heart ache just taking part in it. I can't imagine how painful it must be for the people who are truly involved. Yet, the opportunity for joy is there, if we can only push ourselves past the pain and accept it.
I said it before and I'll say it again, please don't let one painful regret turn into two. Confront the pain, move past it, and accept the few fleeting glances of joy that life has to offer. This could very easily be the first and most powerful step toward healing.
Please try to find some compromise solution. Perhaps you can find a way for your father to wait in a side room, and step forward at the last minute, then when it is over, make his apologies, offer his congradulations, and leave.
Be considerate of his pain, but, really, don't let that pain rob him of this moment of joy.
posted
Steve, I think you strike a good balance in your comments. I have a mind to just link my Dad to this thread and have him read all the comments :-P
I'll have to think about that for a bit, though, hehe
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That's rough, about your dad. I'm sorry.![[Smile]](smile.gif)
And I also like the letter originally posted by Stormy.
