posted
One of my uncles didn't come to his own mothers wedding. I thought I would never forgive hum, and I am not sure if I have completely, but I understand why a lot better after hearing his reasons for not attending.
I don't agree, and will never forget how much he hurt the rest of his family by acting the way he did, but I have been able to see him in person and not attack him in any way.
I had a moment of clarity when I heard that he was visiting my parents, and I had to make a decision. I could be inflexible and hurt all my life, or I could move on and at least try to forgive him.
I drove all the way to my parents house, 2 hours away, and I wasn't sure if I was going to hug him or punch him when I got there. Either would have been completely justified.....but I did neither.
I shook his hand, and I will never regret doing so. I would never trust him completely.....he broke my heart as a child....but I am glad that I have at least a little bit of a relationship with him now.
I know that is what my grandma would have wanted.
This is a similar situation....no matter what there is emotional risk....but letting him know that it isn't OK, but that you understand and still love him is the classy, adult thing to do here, IMO.
Posts: 15082 | Registered: Jul 2001
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posted
Drew!! Hooray! I'm sorry I haven't been on IM...I just kinda stopped signing on because my life has been insane. I was just thinking about you because your birthday came up on my calendar. Did you have a good birthday? It's so wonderful to see that you and Rachel are getting married! The married life is nice, and I think it will suit you.
I'm sorry that I don't have any great advice about the situation with your father. It would have broken my heart if one of my parents had missed my wedding. Just reading his email made me angry because, to me, discomfort is no reason to miss such an important event. However, all the even-tempered people here probably have a more reasonable plan of action. Posts: 1635 | Registered: Aug 2002
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posted
Thanks Jennie :-) I did have a good birthday. It was relaxing and I got to see a friend.
I think married life will suit me as well. We're planning to have a casual beach wedding in south Florida. I think it will be awesome, especially if the weather holds up ^_^;
A few of you guys(you know who you are) have been very helpful in bringing my relationship from the uncertain troubling times in the beginning(2004) to this point with Rachel :-) And once again turning to Hatrackers has been a good move on my part ^_^
Posts: 106 | Registered: Dec 2003
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posted
I'm sorry, Steve, but I can't accept that Dad bailing on his kid is ok because he's in pain. Get some therapy and some pills and deal already.
I don't care what the excuse is, it's never ok to bail on your kids. Do you have any idea how much that hurts? To know that parents are supposed to love you no matter what but yours doesn't?
All I did was wonder what was wrong with me. It tainted every relationship I had after that because I always thought this person would leave, too. My close friends can see I have some trouble with men even when I try not to.
You want to talk pain? Try having a parent who can't be bothered with you. Dad at least has to take some responsibility for picking his ex. Kids get stuck with the parents we get.
My Dad's around now, but it's not the same. We're still not ok. Too many years went by where he couldn't be bothered. I'm saying Temposs shouldn't get to that point. Tell your Dad how you feel now. Maybe he can grow up and do right by you instead of letting things deteriorate to the point my Dad did.
Posts: 2283 | Registered: Dec 2003
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posted
Fine, but the Dad isn't the one you're talking too. All you're doing is poisoning the son's relationship to his father. Is there any point in that?
Look, either he's a terrible creep or he's an okay guy. If he's a terrible creep, then he's doing you a damned favor by not coming. If he's an okay guy maybe he deserves a break for once.
It doesn't matter which you think he is, he doesn't want to come to the wedding and that's probably for the best either way. Sure, if you thought he was a great guy, then you'd be sad that he doesn't feel comfortable with certain other members of your family. But that won't change just because people try to guilt him into coming, it will only make him feel less comfortable because he'll know that he's being made the bad guy.
My Dad...I didn't attend any of his weddings, and I don't care whether he attends any of mine. So sue me.
Posts: 763 | Registered: Aug 1999
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We are not searching for blame or alienation. We are searching for a workable framework that allows all parties to be satisfied.
If the Father really can't come, then maybe there is some other way the Father, Son, and Bride can celebrate this event.
If he can be convinced to come, then perhaps it is some special accomodation for his feelings that will allow him to come. Work with what you have, and take what you can get.
Any solution must seek to bring people together not drive them apart. Don't let one hurt become a lifetime of endless hurts.
quote:I don't care what the excuse is, it's never ok to bail on your kids.
You're right, bailing on you kids isn't OK. But I don't think what's been described here constitutes "bailing on your son". Excusing oneself from a wedding or other important event isn't the same as abandonment. His father hasn't said he doesn't want contact with his son. He hasn't said he doesn't love his son. He hasn't even said he doesn't care about the wedding. A wedding is important, but it is after all just one day in a persons life. A parent can be part of their childs life without coming to a wedding.
Furthermore, part of becoming a healthy adult is forgiving your parents for all the stuff they did wrong. No parent is perfect. All Parents are flawed human beings who are just muddling through a very difficult job. The point is that parents don't have any more obligation to be perfect than children do. It isn't about whether or not their actions are excusable, its about finding solutions to make a build a better future relationship. Unless you can forgive them for the mistakes they make, the wounds never heal.
Temposs, If you are interested in my advice, it is to be a bigger man than your Father. He clearly has unhealed wounds that are keeping him from coming to your wedding. Forgive his weaknesses so that you don't end up with similar wounds. Whether or not he comes to your wedding is far less important than the relationship you and your wife have with through out your marriage. Don't let his unwillingness to attend your wedding be a make or break event for the rest of your life. Try to find a way to include him in this important event that makes him comfortable. Perhaps that could be an online participation in the wedding or somesort of separate celebration with him. But even if you can't find a way that works to include him in the wedding, don't harbor hurt over this event that will further damage your relationship with him.
You have to ask your self this. What do you really want most from your father? Do you want him to show his love for you by coming to the wedding even though it would hurt him to be with the other wedding guests? Or do you just want him to be part of your life and the lives of your future wife and children?
Those two aren't mutually exclusive, but he doesn't have to be at the wedding to be part of your life. If the second is what you really want, then contact him and let him know. I'd recommend something like this
Dad, I understand that you don't want to be in the presence of Mom and her family and I accept your decision to avoid them. But you are an important part of my life and I want to be able to celebrate my wedding with you. Is there some way we can work this out?
(Then list a bunch of suggestion that people have posted here, attend only ceremony, internet link, small separate gathering and so on)
Make it clear that you want him to participate in someway and leave it open for him to suggest ways he would feel comfortable participating.
You have a choice. You can be angry and hurt and widen the gap between you and your father or you can forgive his weaknesses and reach out to include him in your life. You can't insist that he get rid of any his weaknesses for you. That's his choice not yours.
Posts: 12591 | Registered: Jan 2000
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posted
Very good words, Rabbit. I do not intend to hold resentment againt my Dad, and I would like to do something like what you suggest. You are right that my Dad is not trying to abandon me in any way. In fact, he's coming to visit next month.
I would perhaps like to also express something like what BlueWizard suggests, but ya know, I'm not gonna push it too far in the end. I want to be loving no matter what.
Posts: 106 | Registered: Dec 2003
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quote:Frankly, I think weddings are way overrated and I personally detest them all. I turn down all invitations to weddings I get across the board.
Their loss, I'm sure.
I don't care either way. I think people put waaaay too much emphasis on weddings, waste waaaay too much money on them, and they are basically an exercise in vanity. I had a very low key wedding, didn't care if people came or not. I'd be embarrassed to stand up in front of a bunch of people and make such a huge production out of something that simple.
But that's another argument that doesn't need to be discussed here. I just think people make too much of a big deal about it, and if the guy doesn't want to come, he shouldn't have to come to the wedding. I'm sure he'll be there long after the day is over and the bills for the affair are piling up.
Posts: 1042 | Registered: Jan 2001
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There was a time, not too long ago, when I thought I was big for forgiving my father for all the things he could have done better. It has recently occurred to me that there was nothing to forgive; he did the best he could, and that's all I could ask. And the best that I can hope from my own children is that they will credit me for doing my best, and not hold my inadequacies against me.
Posts: 13680 | Registered: Mar 2002
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quote: my Dad is not trying to abandon me in any way. In fact, he's coming to visit next month.
That's good to hear. From your description of Christmas, it sounded like he doesn't show up unless he feels like it.
I know we all want to make nice, but I have issues with people not being called on their bad behavior. People in general like to not get involved or start a fight. They just want to let things slide.
Yeah, no one should harp on a problem. But people do need to step up and tell someone close to them when they're screwing up.
If it's no big deal to you, then don't worry about it. If it is a big deal, say something. Don't just pacify him becuase you might upset him.
Posts: 2283 | Registered: Dec 2003
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