posted
There is a woman who sits directly across from me at work. As is common when one sits at a desk all day the desire to stretch becomes strong. Unfortunately when this woman stretches her shirt at the bottom rises from her waist up to her upper stomach exposing her entire abdominal area.
While the fact that she is of a corpulant nature makes the sight that much more unpleasant, even if she was a model I'd be bothered by it alot. But I am not sure how I should approach the issue. Should I say something to her? Is it wrong of me to say anything? How would I go about saying anything, I do not wish to embarass her. Is there something I could do so that she does not have to do anything?
The only thing I won't do is nothing, I really do not enjoy seeing a stomach 2-3 times a day.
Posts: 14316 | Registered: Jul 2005
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posted
I say just work and don't look at her... It's not exactly polite to point that out... But maybe she might not want to expose herself to the whole world... Perhaps she'd apprieciate being told.... It's near impossible to fgiure out what to do, especially if you are a dude, it could be inappropiate so I have nothing useful to say...
Posts: 9942 | Registered: Mar 2003
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posted
I would reccomend doing nothing. Suck it up and deal with the fact that you can't control 100% of what you're going to see during your day. She's doing nothing wrong, and shouldn't be made to feel bad for the simple act of stretching.
Posts: 1480 | Registered: Dec 2004
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Was that supposed to be a more or less diplomatic way of saying "fat"? In any case, the phrase amuses me Posts: 7593 | Registered: Sep 2006
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posted
I have found that if you can get another female to discretely let her know, no one will get embarrased.
Posts: 1766 | Registered: Feb 2006
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posted
Ya, I gotta say, just look away. Most people are pretty durn unattractive and occasionally you're going to see more of them than you want. Don't take the simple joy of stretching away from this woman.
Posts: 7085 | Registered: Apr 2001
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posted
She very well may know and not care. I certainly don't care if my stomach is occasionally exposed due to stretching at work, even though I would not wear something that exposes it all the time. This is your problem, not hers, and I second the advice to say nothing and don't look if you don't like seeing it. Focus on your monitor when you see she's starting to stretch, or put a plant on your desk that blocks your view.
If you have another woman talk to her, she is going to think you're complaining because she's fat, and is going to be embarrassed and probably mad, because she'll think you wouldn't have said anything if she was thin. Just so you know. There's no way to get across that your objections are due to the modesty standards of your religion if you do it through a third party. But I really think your best solution is to find some way to modify your view, there is no way you can ask her not to stretch or to go out and buy all new work clothes to make you more comfortable that is going to turn out well.
Posts: 7954 | Registered: Mar 2004
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It isn't as though she's standing in your face, flashing her belly to you. Really, isn't it on you if you're looking?
Posts: 3950 | Registered: Mar 2006
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If I were to try to follow your advice and never look at the person sitting across from me, it would make my work environment intolerable. My stress levels would go through the roof, and I would have a hard time accomplishing anything, because I'd have to spend much of my effort making sure that my eyes didn't do what's natural and look all around.
Saying "don't look" is about as useful as saying "don't smell" to somebody who is bothered by other people's perfume/cologne/BO.
Posts: 16551 | Registered: Feb 2003
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posted
Well see the problem with simply not looking is if I am looking straight at my computer monitor she is still well within my field of vision, she is in NW if my vision is a compass rose. If she was in the west it would be easy, heck directly north would be easy because then my monitor covers my view.
That coupled with the fact that she seems to stare right at me when she stretches makes looking to my right everytime seem rude to me.
But I suppose I don't really have any other recourse, I just see no good way to deal with this.
Posts: 14316 | Registered: Jul 2005
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quote:Originally posted by mr_porteiro_head: Saying "don't look" is about as useful as saying "don't smell" to somebody who is bothered by other people's perfume/cologne/BO.
That's not really an accurate comparison though, is it? It doesn't sound like this woman is being constantly disruptive, but that once or twice a day, for a moment, she's showing a few inches of skin on her stomach.
Posts: 3950 | Registered: Mar 2006
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posted
Ok, so I almost got in big trouble. I Googled "human blinders" and found something that would have been funny so I posted it. After going back to the link, I saw this was a dominatrix paraphernalia website.
Needless to say I quickly deleted the post. YOU can Google "human blinders" if you like. I thought they were pretty funny.
Posts: 1766 | Registered: Feb 2006
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quote:Originally posted by mr_porteiro_head: Saying "don't look" is about as useful as saying "don't smell" to somebody who is bothered by other people's perfume/cologne/BO.
That's not really an accurate comparison though, is it? It doesn't sound like this woman is being constantly disruptive, but that once or twice a day, for a moment, she's showing a few inches of skin on her stomach.
If by a few you mean 10 or 11.
Posts: 14316 | Registered: Jul 2005
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quote:Originally posted by mr_porteiro_head: If I were to try to follow your advice and never look at the person sitting across from me, it would make my work environment intolerable.
Never looking would indeed be difficult, so if the person was wearing clothes that were "revealing" while she is going about her normal tasks that would be an issue. Glancing away 2-3 times a day, which is how often BB has said the stretching occurs doesn't seem that much to ask.
quote:Originally posted by BlackBlade: That coupled with the fact that she seems to stare right at me when she stretches makes looking to my right everytime seem rude to me.
I can see absolutely nothing rude in turning your head away.
Posts: 9866 | Registered: Apr 2002
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posted
If this were a sitcom, you could loosen your shirt and attempt to gross her out in a contest...either that or buy her a dress and then be horribly misinterpreted. Since it is not a sitcom, my training in this area is wasted
But seriously, there is a continuum here. On one hand, the modesty dictates of say radical Islam with a burkha and all are absurd. On the other hand, there's no need to allow everything that can be accepted in everyday life into the workplace.
It is highly possible that if you've noticed, others have too. Furthermore, it would hardly be professional to expose your self in such a way in a workplace, even with the trend of casual workplaces.
So try to be friendly, try to point it out either through a friend or through careful diplomacy, but do not feel guilty about being bothered or think that it is only your problem (to deal with).
Posts: 7593 | Registered: Sep 2006
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quote:Originally posted by BlackBlade: Well see the problem with simply not looking is if I am looking straight at my computer monitor she is still well within my field of vision, she is in NW if my vision is a compass rose. ...
That coupled with the fact that she seems to stare right at me when she stretches makes looking to my right everytime seem rude to me.
Well, if you can't possibly avoid seeing her tawdry flesh and she's gazing longingly at you, each time she tempts you with her wanton ways, either someone is filming a romantic comedy in your building or you're fixating a little much on this lady.
Really, you can't possibly look away? Are your eyes uncontrollably drawn to the sweet, tender flesh? Posts: 3950 | Registered: Mar 2006
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posted
Mighty Cow, lets pretend that I posted this thread with the intent to get others opinions not to persuade everyone that I have the best solution.
I never said she gazed longingly at me, or that she is tempting me.
I have stated that if I stare straight at my work station I can still see her quite easily. Try it, make two fists, hold them at about eye level and a foot in front of your face, stare straight ahead and tell me if you can see your fists.
Posts: 14316 | Registered: Jul 2005
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posted
Meanwhile, somewhere else on the internet...
WhiteHilt Member Member# 8377
As you all know, I work in an office building, and because of my back problems, I have to stretch a couple of times a day. I've noticed that a guy who works across from me is always looking at me when I do. I could pretend not to notice, or look away, but I've been watching, and he's always sneaking peeks. What do you think I should do? Should I say something to him?
Actually... he's kind of cute. I think he might like me. I'm going to ask my best friend - a blind lesbian who speaks only broken English - to ask him on a date so we can find out if he really likes me. I think this is going to turn into something beautiful. Or I'll just report him to human resources. Stay tuned!
Posts: 3950 | Registered: Mar 2006
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quote:Glancing away 2-3 times a day, which is how often BB has said the stretching occurs doesn't seem that much to ask.
If it were me, and I were trying to avoid seeing more of her body than I wanted to, looking away when she stretched wouldn't help, because I wouldn't realize it was time to look away until I had already seen more than I wanted to.
Also, he said it was more like 10-11 times a day, not 2-3.
Posts: 16551 | Registered: Feb 2003
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quote:... she's showing a few inches of skin on her stomach.
If by a few you mean 10 or 11.
You mean this exchange? I think he means 10 or 11 inches, not 10 or 11 incidents. Although, on second though 10 or 11 inches is a heck of a lot of stomach. Given that a sheet of paper is 11 inches tall (and assuming he's measuring vertically), we're not merely talking fat, corpulent IS the right word.
Posts: 7593 | Registered: Sep 2006
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posted
Still, come on. Ten to eleven times in an eight hour workday that she stretches for a few seconds? That adds up to what, less than three minutes a day, total, most likely.
You can deal with something that makes you slightly uncomfortable for three minutes a day. This woman is doing nothing wrong. Her back probably does bother her. She stretches it out for a few seconds. I doubt very seriously she is doing it to annoy you.
So look intently at your computer screen and tell your eyes to ignore what's in your peripheral vision for three minutes a day. It's not anything to get worked up over.
Posts: 14428 | Registered: Aug 2001
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posted
I can't think of a single thing you could say to her. I think it is unprofessional to wear clothes that don't cover everything for a noticeable portion of the day - it's like wearing an outfit that shows a lot of cleavage. However, it isn't your call and you can't say anything. I'm sorry.
I suggest getting a plant to put on your desk in the exact line of vision. Figure out how tall it needs to be, and you can get one that stops right before her face so you are not walling off your coworker but you don't have to see more of her than you want.
Posts: 26077 | Registered: Mar 2000
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posted
I think that's uncalled for. 10-11 inches is not a strip of skin - that's a great deal of someone's torso. It really isn't professional to expose that much skin in a professional setting.
Posts: 26077 | Registered: Mar 2000
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posted
If it is distracting from work and unprofessional, or against company policy to show the navel area (I know it has been for a couple of places I've worked), the best bet might be a mention to human resources. It will still likely be very embarrassing for her, but could keep you confidential so there is no office friction and solve the problem.
Posts: 2596 | Registered: Jan 2006
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posted
I have to be honest, I'm guessing that the 10-11 inches is an exaggeration, considering how upset BlackBlade seems to be over a relatively minor transgression.
Put yourself in her shoes for a second. Is she supposed to wear knee-length shirts, so when she stretches there's no chance someone might see a little skin? Should she only be allowed to stretch in a closet or facing the wall?
If she's breaking the company dress code, talk to your manager. If a few times a day the poor woman wants to stretch, give her a break.
How about this. Befriend her, and suggest a couple times a day that the two of you take a walk to the water cooler and have a stretch. Then you offer a mutually beneficial solution.
I wonder how BlackBlade manages to ever talk with women face to face. Their breasts are always just sitting there, right in the peripheral vision!
Posts: 3950 | Registered: Mar 2006
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posted
Wow...some people are being pretty hard on BlakeBlade. He just mentioned a problem he had at work, attempted to be polite about the whole thing, and ask for advice. There's no reason to keep trying to ridicule him.
Posts: 1412 | Registered: Oct 2005
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posted
You can put an opaque screen of something behind your computer to obscure your view of the rest of the room. Something simple as a piece of cleanly cut cardboard, or a cork messageboard, or what have you. Use it for post-its, pictures, and such. Be creative.
I'd also talk to HR. I don't expect they will do anything, but that's useful feedback, and someone official will know why you stuck up a small backdrop.
It doesn't need to be big. 2 feet by 2 feet should be more than enough.
---
Edited to add: I do this all the time for a shared space desk. Too many distractions altogether.
Posts: 14017 | Registered: May 2000
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quote:Originally posted by MightyCow: I have to be honest, I'm guessing that the 10-11 inches is an exaggeration, considering how upset BlackBlade seems to be over a relatively minor transgression.
Keep guessing, I am pretty particular about accuracy when it comes to estimating, I do not use hyperbole in these instances. I really mean about 10-11 inches, my indication of corpulance should have made that claim more believable. But like I said she could be a model and it would still bother me, I don't have an arbitrary number of inches that are ok.
quote: Put yourself in her shoes for a second. Is she supposed to wear knee-length shirts, so when she stretches there's no chance someone might see a little skin? Should she only be allowed to stretch in a closet or facing the wall?
I am quite understanding when it comes to the dynamic of stretching and how clothes fall on the body. I try to make sure my shirt is tucked in properly so that if I crouch I am saying no to crack. If somebody fails to take the same precautions, I don't call attention to it, but this is a relatively frequent event.
quote: If she's breaking the company dress code, talk to your manager. If a few times a day the poor woman wants to stretch, give her a break.
I think asking in my very first post if I should say nothing, or if there was anything I could so she does not have to would indicate that I am not all over her case.
quote: How about this. Befriend her, and suggest a couple times a day that the two of you take a walk to the water cooler and have a stretch. Then you offer a mutually beneficial solution.
I am not sure how I feel about befriending a women with the intent of bringing this up. I am not opposed to befriending her of course but I can't really speak with her at work, we are discouraged from discussing non work related stuff with coworkers during work hours. I can't eat lunch with her, and besides all that I am hesitant to make it a point to make friends with her as I am married and she is not.
quote: I wonder how BlackBlade manages to ever talk with women face to face. Their breasts are always just sitting there, right in the peripheral vision!
You are really reaching with this comment MC.
Posts: 14316 | Registered: Jul 2005
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posted
Come to think of it, I've also used foamboard from Michaels (craft store) or any art supply store. Very cheap -- only a few dollars -- and lightweight enough that it's easy to affix with a few brads or with tape.
--
Edited to add:
If and when you talk to HR, you can ask them if she is violating company dress policy. If she is, they can follow up. If not, then there is probably not much to be done, other than to make the environment work better for you in advoiding it.
Posts: 14017 | Registered: May 2000
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posted
BTW so it does not seem that I am ignoring all the thoughtful and useful posts,
Thanks so much thus far guys, I think I will opt for the barrier method, something like a plant sounds just fine, and alittle color would certainly make the day nicer overall.
Posts: 14316 | Registered: Jul 2005
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quote:Originally posted by vonk: If it is distracting from work and unprofessional, or against company policy to show the navel area (I know it has been for a couple of places I've worked), the best bet might be a mention to human resources. It will still likely be very embarrassing for her, but could keep you confidential so there is no office friction and solve the problem.
vonk, Be honest. Were YOU the reason this company had to set policy on the acceptable amount of belly someone can show? Posts: 1766 | Registered: Feb 2006
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I am female, I am somewhat corpulant (I think that's my new word of the day), I work a desk job, and I have a tendency to stretch at times. I don't work in the middle of a cubefarm to have someone directly looking at me, though.
My first recommendation to BlackBlade is, if at all possible, rearrange your desk so that your cube-neighbor is not in direct line of sight all the time. If questioned about it, you can merely say that you wanted a change (which would be the truth) and not comment on the particular view you're avoiding. Or bring in some decorative pieces to distract you - I have Happy Meal toys all over my desk and a couple plants along the edge of the half-height enclosure.
If you absolutely cannot rearrange your desk, and you can't talk to her directly for some reason, enlist the assistance of a mutual friend or perhaps a supervisor. I'd personally avoid making religion part of your conversation if possible. This is going to be a sensitive discussion when just talking about her clothing, you really don't want to add even more touchy subjects if you can manage it.
Posts: 4515 | Registered: Jul 2004
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quote: I wonder how BlackBlade manages to ever talk with women face to face. Their breasts are always just sitting there, right in the peripheral vision!
quote: You are really reaching with this comment MC.
posted
OK, I'll admit I'm being overly hard on BlackBlade. I apologize if I've been rude, but honestly, I'm at a loss about why this is an issue. Both because it's easy to ignore, and because it strikes me as odd that someone would have such a problem with seeing a tummy a couple of times a day.
I'll bow out, so I'm not tempted to make up any more alternate websites where the opposite conversation is going on Posts: 3950 | Registered: Mar 2006
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posted
I had someone tell me once, "The fashion police are going to arrest you for that shirt." I looked it over and never wore it again.
Posts: 544 | Registered: Mar 2007
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posted
If there were fashion police, I would have been arreseted long ago. All I want to wear are my spiderman PJ pants and Dir en grey or Spiderman shirts.
Posts: 9942 | Registered: Mar 2003
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posted
BB, I'd think that etiquette would dictate that you avert your eyes. Averting your eyes isn't a big deal. In fact, I think it is a skill that more of us should cultivate.
Posts: 10397 | Registered: Jun 2005
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quote:Originally posted by katharina: I can't think of a single thing you could say to her. I think it is unprofessional to wear clothes that don't cover everything for a noticeable portion of the day - it's like wearing an outfit that shows a lot of cleavage.
In this case, it's really not. Clothes aren't exactly tailored to the way your body is positioned while stretching.
I really don't think there's anything to be said. Honestly, it's not like she's running around showing midriff all the time, and depending on her actual dimensions, it might be well nigh impossible to find nice clothes that would cover her stomach completely while she stretches.
posted
Other than the idea of a plant or something to block the view, my only suggestion is (you mentioned specific times everyone stretches) that you turn away from her when you do the stretching.
In the event she asks you why you turn away,then you can just say that you didn't want to embarrass her by looking.
I could also be described as "of a corpulant nature" - although I say "well-rounded" - and I make sure I buy long shirts. I'm never at risk for showing any of my tummy in public, and I prefer to cover my behind as well. I would probably be embarrassed by someone telling me about something like this - at first - but then I would (eventually) get over it and try to do better.
Posts: 2034 | Registered: Apr 2004
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posted
I'm not at the weight I was in high school, which was my ideal. I am a little heavier. My modesty prevents/prevented me from showing tummy. I don't usually care to see someone else's either, thin or fat. I think what she is doing is inappropriate and should be addressed with human resources. You can choose at that time to simply ask what the policy would be in this situation.
Talking to her about would probably mortify her. I strongly advise against doing that. There is no way to bring this subject up gently.
The plant sounds like a great idea too. Personally, I would probably use this one. If that doesn't work, go to HR. I can't imagine she doesn't know what she is doing. It seems very attention seeking. Perhaps if you do the plant thing, she'll catch on that she won't get a reaction from you.
Posts: 2064 | Registered: Dec 2003
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quote:I can't imagine she doesn't know what she is doing. It seems very attention seeking.
While it may be attention seeking, I can certainly imagine it not being so. I'm sure I've had my tummy accidentally exposed at work before and before this thread, I never would have thought anything about it.
Posts: 1947 | Registered: Aug 2002
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