quote:Originally posted by rivka: Good thing Jews don't believe in the NT. MY ex would not like that verse at all.
If this has any relation to the fact that he is your EX (rather than current) husband, maybe you should instead be saying "too bad Jews don't believe in the NT (or at least that particular verse).
posted
Actually, it doesn't have anything to do with it. If it did, I would be unlikely to bring it up publicly -- I don't generally discuss the details of my divorce in public, let alone somewhere my kids might someday see it.
Posts: 32919 | Registered: Mar 2003
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quote:Originally posted by rivka: Actually, it doesn't have anything to do with it. If it did, I would be unlikely to bring it up publicly -- I don't generally discuss the details of my divorce in public, let alone somewhere my kids might someday see it.
Wise choice!
In case people missed it, I intended it as a joke, much as I'm sure you did.
And even though it is hopefully irrelevant in your case, it is worth pointing out that disagreements about parenting are one of the most common causes of divorce. I find that somewhat sad since divorce seems to have a larger negative impact on children than most differences in parenting style.
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quote:Originally posted by The Rabbit: it is worth pointing out that disagreements about parenting are one of the most common causes of divorce.
That disagrees both with the studies I have seen and the anecdotal evidence I am aware of. As a complicating factor, definitely. As a primary cause? I find that very hard to believe.
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quote:Originally posted by The Rabbit: it is worth pointing out that disagreements about parenting are one of the most common causes of divorce.
That disagrees both with the studies I have seen and the anecdotal evidence I am aware of. As a complicating factor, definitely. As a primary cause? I find that very hard to believe.
Children put a strain on a marriage (as opposed to bringing a couple closer together, a common misconception), but I don't think that it is specifically disagreeing over parenting choices that does it. I was always under the impression that it had more to do with focusing on the children to the exclusion of one another.
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quote:I was always under the impression that it had more to do with focusing on the children to the exclusion of one another.
That I would entirely agree with. Focusing on ANYTHING to the exclusion of each other (jobs, friends, kids) can spell death for a marriage.
Also, I think kids both bring a couple together (shared experiences, bonding, etc.) and push them apart -- and neither one happens magically by itself. Both depend on how the couple handles the issues that come up.
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quote:Originally posted by The Rabbit: it is worth pointing out that disagreements about parenting are one of the most common causes of divorce.
That disagrees both with the studies I have seen and the anecdotal evidence I am aware of. As a complicating factor, definitely. As a primary cause? I find that very hard to believe.
Now that I reflect on it, I think what I've seen reported is that disagreements about parenting are one of the most common sources of conflict in marriage, which is in fact not the same as being a common cause of divorce, and a valid distinction.
I doubt many people divorce because they disgree about parenting styles. But if parents are frequently fighting over how to raise the kids, that could easily lead to bigger problems which in turn lead to divorce. People won't think "we got divorced because we disagreed about spanking the kids", even when this may have been the root of their marital difficulties.
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quote:Originally posted by The Rabbit: Now that I reflect on it, I think what I've seen reported is that disagreements about parenting are one of the most common sources of conflict in marriage, which is in fact not the same as being a common cause of divorce, and a valid distinction.
That makes more sense. Thanks for clarifying.
quote:Originally posted by The Rabbit: But if parents are frequently fighting over how to raise the kids, that could easily lead to bigger problems which in turn lead to divorce. People won't think "we got divorced because we disagreed about spanking the kids", even when this may have been the root of their marital difficulties.
I think I still disagree. If a couple cannot learn to compromise on parenting and/or tolerate each other's styles, then I don't think the arguments are really about parenting -- not for long, anyway. Any more than arguments about who forgot the dry cleaning are really about dry cleaning. They're far more likely to be about spousal roles and expectations, money (this is the BIG one in the vast majority of divorces), and things that really have very little to do with the kids directly.
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quote: Also, I think kids both bring a couple together (shared experiences, bonding, etc.) and push them apart -- and neither one happens magically by itself. Both depend on how the couple handles the issues that come up.
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How valuable are non-parent's thoughts on children?
Commenting both as a new parent, and someone who had "thoughts on children" prior to becoming a parent, I have to say that I find the thoughts of both parents and non-parents interesting and valuable. Equally, I find some thoughts of some parents and some non-parents completely unhelpful. Prior to having my son, and probably even since having him, it's likely that I made some suggestions to other parents that fall into both those categories!
Whilst being a parent certainly provides experience and insight of a type that most non-parents would not have, the mere fact of being a parent does not necessarily mean that your advice is more valuable than the advice of someone who has not had children. In fact, sometimes the advice of parents can be worse simply because they may be sure that they know the right answer.
While I was pregnant I received umpteen comments from women who had had children to the effect that "We did XYZ back in my day, and our kids turned out fine!" This was usually in relation to things that I did not do whilst pregnant, such as eat soft cheeses etc. Yes, they may have done XYZ not knowing that it was a risk, and their kids are fine - but having been told that XYZ is a risk, I'm not about to continue and do XYZ even though it is still possible for my baby to turn out fine. The response from non-parents was more likely to be, "Really? I had no idea! That's interesting."
Having said that, I must add that most parents that I have had a lot to do with (including my own parents and other friends and relatives) are quick to say that although they did things a certain way when they raised children, they aren't trying to tell me what to do as they appreciate current recommendations are different. For example tummy/side/back sleeping - each has been recommended at different times. They are merely remarking on how things have changed. (Unlike the waitress who was grumpy about me sending my meal back because it was not "well-done" as I had requested! Apparently, she ate whatever she liked when she was pregnant and her children thrived on it!)
Parents are more likely to be able to pass on advice that they have tried and found useful, while non-parents usually would not have had the same experience and may not realise why a certain idea wouldn't work in practice. However, I wouldn't discount the advice or ideas of a person simply because they didn't have children of their own. A parent who has views that completely differ from my own could give advice that is much less useful for me than a non-parent who has similar views to mine. In general though, I would say that parents are more likely to be able to provide practical advice than non-parents. I've received good useful advice from my own parents and from my sister whose baby is 2 weeks older than mine, as well as other people.
And like most others, I'm not about to leap at the advice of someone (parent or not) who tells me that I Must do XYZ Or Else.
As an unrelated sidenote, it is impossible to explain labour to someone who has never been through it. Posts: 1431 | Registered: Aug 2003
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