posted
I wanted to see what you guys thought of the first lines of my book.
The cold bars beneath his body caused Devon to twitch and recoil every few minutes until the veil of darkness was lifted, and Devin realized that things were far worse than a simple dream.
His cage was at the far end of a dusty room, in a lonely corner abandoned by light. The ragged walls peeked out occasionally from behind torn and stained books misaligned on shelves. Only at the very center of the room was there a dim hint of light or warmth, where an old woman was surrounded by candles burning out the last of their wicks.
The flames would flicker, showing a rare glimpse of her dust entrenched purple robe whose hood mystified the woman's face. Entranced by the yellowed pages of a book that appeared almost larger than herself, she sat moving only enough for her head to rock uneasily, and made no sound.
The scene was too strange for Devin to believe this to be the woman who stole him from his bed and took him to this horrid place, until the laughter came. The sound was irregular at first, then grew in loudness until it echoed from every wall, just as the hood turned, and the eyes hidden beneath invaded Devin's cage.
posted
You've got some good things going here, but you might want to watch out for passive voice. Scan through and see how many times you can replace 'was' and 'were' with an active verb.
quote:His cage was at the far end of a dusty room, in a lonely corner abandoned by light
If the corner were really abandoned by light you wouldn't be able to describe the area around it. It's also a little confusing coming right after the veil of darkness lifts. Still, I like the image of a corner abandoned by light. Maybe modify it with "almost"?
quote:whose hood mystified the woman's face
This reads to me, that she is confused by her hood.
quote:just as the hood turned, and the eyes hidden beneath invaded Devin's cage
I think, given that this is fantasy, that its too easy to read that literally. I pictured eyes jumping out and running over to the cage.
posted
I think this could be tightened up a bit , but by and large it got my interest and the images came across clearly. Two words did give me trouble , " yellowed pages," I read them as ," yellow pages". This made me laugh, not at all what I believe you want the reader to do.
[This message has been edited by Kickle (edited May 19, 2004).]
posted
I thought there were some good parts here, but there were points where I became confused and 'lost the bubble'.
Comment in brackets below:
The cold bars beneath his body caused Devon to twitch and recoil every few minutes until the veil of darkness was lifted, and Devin [I'd use "he", not Devin. Plus, spelling changed] realized that things were far worse than a simple dream.
His cage was at the far end of a dusty room, in a lonely corner abandoned by light. [GOOD!] The ragged walls peeked out occasionally from behind torn and stained books misaligned on shelves. [A confusing image] Only at the very center of the room was there a dim [drop "dim"] hint of light or warmth, where an old woman was surrounded by candles burning [perhaps "that consumed" instead of "burning"] out the last of their wicks.
The flames would flicker,[flickered] showing a rare glimpse of her dust entrenched purple robe whose hood mystified the woman's face. [passive] Entranced by the yellowed pages of a book that appeared almost larger than herself, she sat moving only enough for her head to rock uneasily, [confusing] and made no sound.
The scene was too strange for Devin to believe this to be [was] the woman who stole him from his bed and took him to this horrid place, until the laughter came. The sound was irregular at first, then grew in loudness until it echoed from every wall, just as the hood turned, and the eyes hidden beneath invaded Devin's cage.
posted
Okay, I'm also going to have to do this in a line-by-line manner.
quote:The cold bars beneath his body caused Devon to twitch and recoil every few minutes until the veil of darkness was lifted, and Devin realized that things were far worse than a simple dream.
I don't see bars causing anyone to twitch and recoil unless the bars are electrified. I'll grant that they could be mightily uncomfortable, but the words you use just don't convey that impression to me. Also, I can read this entire sentence in either of two, quite different ways. 1) He's sleeping, having bad dreams due to the discomfort of the bars, and then he wakes (metaphorically described as "the veil of darkness was lifted"), and realizes that reality is even worse; or 2) He is wide awake already, and then the lights go on and he realizes that things are worse than he'd imagined.
quote:His cage was at the far end of a dusty room, in a lonely corner abandoned by light.
I agree with MaryRobinette on this one. Also, you might say "His cage hung" instead of "His cage was". This isn't a matter of passive voice, but of an uninteresting verb choice.
quote:The ragged walls peeked out occasionally from behind torn and stained books misaligned on shelves.
For the walls to peek out "occasionally" from behind the books means the books must be moving about. (Or maybe the wall has protrusions that stick out now and then?) You might try "here and there" or "in spots" or something. And how can he see the wall if his corner is abandoned by light?
quote:Only at the very center of the room was there a dim hint of light or warmth, where an old woman was surrounded by candles burning out the last of their wicks.
Here we've got the problem again of whether there is any light in his corner. Also, in this sentence you really do have passive voice, easily rephrased: "A hint of light glowed at the very center of the room, where guttering candles surrounded an old woman." And if interpretation 2 of sentence 1 is correct, it seems unlikely that the candles would be almost out already.
quote:The flames would flicker, showing a rare glimpse of her dust entrenched purple robe whose hood mystified the woman's face.
jabbiati mentioned the "would flicker" -> "flickered" issue. Any why is the glimpse "rare"? I mean, he apparently just started looking, and already he's seen it. As for the "hood mystified the woman's face," again I agree with MaryRobinette. The "dust entrenched purple robe" indicates that the robe is entrenched in the dust, not that the dust is entrenched in the robe.
quote:Entranced by the yellowed pages of a book that appeared almost larger than herself, she sat moving only enough for her head to rock uneasily, and made no sound.
"Yellow pages" is funny, if you notice it. I didn't, till it was pointed out. I'd watch out for repetitive constructions, such as "almost larger" followed by "only enough". I also feel like "Entranced" suggests a POV violation. "Engrossed in" seems more of an outside view, "Entranced" more a description of internal feelings. But that's minor, and arguable. This sentence is pretty much okay.
quote:The scene was too strange for Devin to believe this to be the woman who stole him from his bed and took him to this horrid place, until the laughter came.
Whoa! I thought this guy was an adult all this time. And he let some old woman steal him from his bed? Okay, I guess he's a little kid--but I needed to know that earlier. Also, isn't being stolen from your bed kind of strange? So why would a strange scene seem unconnected?
quote:The sound was irregular at first, then grew in loudness until it echoed from every wall, just as the hood turned, and the eyes hidden beneath invaded Devin's cage.
Again, this is not passive voice, but it's easy to get rid of the "was" construction, so why not? "The sound, irregular at first, grew in loudness. . . ." And once again, ditto MaryRobinette on the invading eyes.
This probably sounds like I think this is terribly written. I don't. I do think that you're trying a little too hard to make it wonderfully written, and it's messing you up. The things that confuse me are almost invariably linked to metaphors or poetic turns of phrase. The metaphors and turns of phrase are not bad, they just don't quite fit here the way you have them. The passive voice is easily fixed, and if you look for it you'll find it. All I'm trying to say is that you need to turn a more critical eye on your own stuff. Assume that you've made errors and try to root them out, rather than looking for and tweaking the good stuff. When you do this, some of the good stuff will have to go. Some of it can stay with a tiny bit of rearrangement of the surrounding materials. But since you just wrote it, you're going to really have to look hard for the ways in which it doesn't work to find them.
As for the story itself, yeah, I find it interesting. Aside from the arguable "entranced" you've stuck to POV, and placed us there right away. The situation is unusual and intriguing. It seems as if you've started in the right place (as long as you've already given us all the information we're going to need on how he got where he is. If more is required in a flashback, then I'd say go back and start from that point). So all in all, I liked this a lot better than it may have sounded above.
[This message has been edited by rickfisher (edited May 19, 2004).]
posted
I like the name Devo(i)n...but I need to know which it is.
Let's see here....The opening sentence didn't grab me, for much the same reason that's been stated here already. I didn't understand what was going on. I start liking it after you say "the veil of darkness was lifted..." except take out the "was"...I think you overuse the word, and you can take it out of this sentence without any other alterations.
I didn't have trouble with the corner thing...you explain later that there is a faint source of light for the room. My suggestion, to clarify this for those who had trouble, is to switch the order of description. Mention the light source first, then describe Devon's cage. I loved the phrase "abandoned by light." But in the same sentence you use the word "was" again..."His cage was at ...." I don't know what verb you want to use, but whatever it is, use it. Did it sit, hang, lay...? Any of these verbs or something else would bring us closer tot his scene.
"Only at the very center of the room was there a dim hint of light or warmth, "
another was....could make the sentence stronger to completely rearrange without the was...."The only dim hint of light or warmth came from...." The verb "came" is stronger than "was"....this way we also have an image of the light giving at leaste enough illumination to show him a corner, and a shelf of books.
"The flames would flicker"...takeing out the "would" makes this sentence stronger and tighter....then flicker = flickered.
But generally, this opening hooked me. You've got a good start, but some wordsmithing certainly wouldn't go amiss.
posted
Lots of excellent comments already. Basically everything I would have mentioned. Couple of the word choices didn't float my boat (I hope that doesn't mean anything obscene), but really, that would be too picky.
Overall, I think that you have enough happening here to engage the reader's interest. There is some risk with starting your story in such a desperate scene...assuming you don't drop into an extended flashback or ex mack the guy out of this, though, I'm not real worried over it.
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