posted
I originally wrote this as a sort of introduction for the main character of a novel I was thinking about writing but then I decided that it felt more complete where I had left it. I need just general feedback (the whole thing is about 3000 words) but I also need to know if the story is compelling enough to make it out of the slush pile. This is basically just someone else's perceptions of a new character. First 13 lines are as follows:
It was obvious from the moment that Sean walked into that bar that there was something different in him. He was tougher than any of the men there. They might lift heavy tools day after day but he had seen the rim of the world and come back in one piece. After years of taking everything they could throw at him he had stopped paying attention to the little nuisances of everyday life. He was just out of boyhood, most of the men in this bar had ten years on him, but he had more stories than ten of them. He had a purpose; that much was clear. Right now that purpose was getting to the bar. “Do you have any wine?” I smiled, such a tough man settling for a glass of wine? “I can open a bottle for you, whiskey would be cheaper, you got the metal to pay the difference?” When I started working that bar for Amon, the men would walk all over me, trying to get their drinks, but after a few weeks I learned what it took to get my job done. The men who came here came to get drunk, to forget the sorry wrecks that their lives had become. They didn’t come for the meals or the conversation. Apparently, he was different.
posted
First, I have to say that the single most compelling line in this, IMO, is:
quote:he had seen the rim of the world and come back in one piece
That single line sets the stage for one rolicking adventure.
But...
You have nice rhythm line for line, a nice writerly style. But that rhythm doesn't flow from line TO line.
The description of him as tougher and younger than everyone else puts a distance between me and him, because he's too super-real. Not that those qualities need to change. But my perception of him as someone who deserves my sympathy needs to be developed more.
Next, this line
quote:Right now that purpose was getting to the bar.
made me immediately believe that he was at the bar to get stinking drunk. And the lines after this support that--somewhat. But then you tell me otherwise.
Third, in order to make the leap of logic between my above perception and the last line ("Apparently, he was different.), I need to see why he was different. After your narrator says, "...you got the metal to pay the difference?" I need to hear and see Sean's response. Otherwise I am blindsided by "Apparently he was different," because you haven't shown me how, and because you've said "Apparently," it should be apparent to me at that point, what it is that makes Sean so different.
Lastly, there appears to me to be a shift in POV from the first to the second paragraph. There is nothing in the first to lead me to believe that the POV will be anything but 3rd person, then suddenly I'm in 1st person. Maybe start the piece with:
"From the moment Sean walked into the bar I thought there was something different about him."
But then, how would your narrator know, on first glance, that Sean was the toughest and the youngest and where he had been and what he had done? If this is his first sight of Sean then he wouldn't know these things. If what you are saying is that Sean seemed changed from the last time the narrator saw him, then this is not clear.
[This message has been edited by djvdakota (edited July 29, 2004).]
[This message has been edited by djvdakota (edited July 29, 2004).]
posted
Thanks for that. You're right about it sounding like he's going to get drunk (when in reality he is doing nothing of the sort). The "apparently he was different" line makes more sense after the next couple lines but that's not apparent yet. I think I got most of the pov issues, I didn't even realize that the first paragraph was messed up like that. I can post more if you'd like, or not. Whatever. It's been a long time since I've had a decent writer/reader/editor person read something of mine.
Oh yeah, if I every write his rollicking adventure the reason he looks like he does will be made obvious. (It's not just that he's a tough guy either).
Jon
[This message has been edited by bladeofwords (edited July 29, 2004).]
posted
You need to intro the narrator a bit better, in the first paragraph rather than the second. That will also establish the context for what can be known or not known by the narrator.
Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999
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It was obvious to me from the moment that Sean walked into Amon’s bar that there was something different in him. After serving laboring men for five years I had learned to read them on first sight. He just looked tougher than all the others. They might lift heavy tools day after day but I could tell from his eyes that he had seen the rim of the world and come back in one piece. After years of taking everything life could throw at him he had stopped paying attention to little everyday nuisances. He was just out of boyhood, probably only a few years older than me. Most of the men in this bar had ten years on him, but he probably had more stories than ten of them. He had a purpose; that much was clear, I could always tell when one of the men wanted something. Right now, it looked like his purpose was getting over to where I was pouring whiskey.
(is posting this again a major breach in etiquette?)
posted
People post repeats all the time, no worries.
Two suggestions: instead of "serving laboring men" which does this interesting rhyming thing, what about "serving laborers"? May I also suggest cutting, "He just looked tougher than all the others." Think of it like a thesis sentence. You tell us the information, and then you essentionally retell us the same information when you go into detail about why he looks tougher than the others. The detail is more interesting, but it is weakened by the fact that it is a repeat of the thesis. Make sense?
posted
I was thinking more along the lines of actually introducing the narrator by name, rank, and reason for telling the story, but I'm known to be a bit severe about such things.
This does flow a little better, now that it is clear from the outset that you have a 1st person narrator telling the story. One thing that nags me in both versions is the phrase "more stories than ten of them." That should probably be "more stories than any ten of them." Unless, of course, you specifically mean that he only has more stories than the ten least interesting guys.
posted
lol, good point survivor. Those two things (laboring men and ten of them) are things that have bugged me since I wrote it but I couldn't think of how to fix it. Saying laborers did coss my mind but for some reason I threw it out (but I'll be changing it for real this time).
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