posted
Wallace’s car is parked on the edge of the lake, and the stars are out, undulating, reflected in the water. Jamie is sitting on the hood and Wallace faces the pebbled shore.
“Describe yourself,” she says. Her first words to him. He detects the slight Southern accent. Where is she from? How did she come to be here, in this place, now?
There is music drifting from the rolled down windows of his car. With Wallace there is always music. He surrounds himself with it. Tonight it’s low rock, barely audible, a repeated rhythm of hand drums with a singer rumbling out words, his voice deep. Repeating, repeating.
Describe himself. His reply is halting. “What do you mean?”
“I mean describe yourself.”
He turns and faces her, revealing himself. He holds out his arms. His meaning is obvious: All she has to do is look.
posted
Well, nothing's happening yet, except a girl repeating a question. I'm not hooked. I think you may be starting too early. What's the cool thing in this story, that makes you want to tell it? Maybe you should start there.
I don't see a reason for present tense here.
I wonder why he doesn't know where she came from. Did she just appear in his car? Tell us.
Once you get the story clear and hook-y, then I might have something good to say about your beautiful imagery!
posted
Wallace’s car was parked on the edge of the lake, and the stars were out, undulating, reflected in the water. Jamie was sitting on the hood and Wallace faced the pebbled shore.
“Describe yourself,” she said. Her first words to him. He detected the slight Southern accent. Where was she from? How did she come to be here, in this place, now?
There was music drifting from the rolled down windows of his car. With Wallace there was always music. He surrounded himself with it. Tonight it was low rock, barely audible, a repeated rhythm of hand drums with a singer rumbling out words, his voice deep. Repeating, repeating.
Describe himself. His reply was halting. “What do you mean?”
“I mean describe yourself.”
He turned and faced her, revealing himself. He held out his arms. His meaning was obvious: All she had to do was look.
posted
I definitely like the second version better. In the first, I didn't like the author telling us what he is seeing, then letting us hear the characters speak in between. It really distanced me from the story.
It's not a bad sounding beginning, but it seems a little ordinary. Make us want more! Meenie
posted
I must say I prefer the tense in the second version better as well. But the verbs could use some punch. Active verbs. Especially in those first few lines. Jamie sat, instead of Jamies was sitting. Music drifted from, instead of There was music drifting from. etc. Watch for those. Rewrite as many as possible.
I totally don't mind the opening, actually. It's quiet, but interesting. Just because something isn't necessarily happening to spike the tension right from the start doesn't mean that tension isn't there, and it DEFINITELY doesn't mean that I'm not intrigued by what I see. Actually, I find the approach subtle, gentle, soft. The very softness of it lends its own tension, making me wonder what's going to happen to disturb the peace.
Good job, IMO. Is there more? Might you be offering it up for the sharks to shred? How long is it?
posted
Yes, there is more, and I would love for the sharks to shred it. But not quite yet; there are a couple of things I know still need fixing;
for example I am changing it to past-tense, because later in the story the time frame jumps around a little and with the present tense it is confusing. You guys suggested past tense, and I have definitely realized it would be better for the story. That, in and of itself, is going to take a while.
But thanks for wanting to read it, I'll come back shortly and offer it to the sharks. Hopefully you won't be the only one interested.
Printer-friendly view of this topic
