posted
Well, this is actually the third paragraph (the first 2 are very short but wouldn't have made much of an impression without this paragraph and that would have been too many lines.) If anyone wants to read all of what I have so far let me know.
Jurai looked at her reflection dancing in the pool of cool water she was relaxing in and saw what most would consider a very beautiful woman. She had a well balanced face with a delicate, slightly upturned nose, prominent cheeks and full lips that rarely smiled these days. Her smooth skin was the color of warm copper and her intense green eyes were topped over by a gracefully arched brow. Her long brown hair had a slight wave and was long enough that it just covered her soft, round breasts. For a moment even Jurai thought that she was beautiful, that is until she noticed the vertically slit serpentine pupils that were encased in those emerald eyes and the tops of her long leathery wings that rose over each shoulder that, when spread out, gave her a wing span of over eleven feet, and standing at 5’10” it was a perfect balance. As if all of that weren’t bad enough she could never forget the four foot long powerful tail hidden beneath the water which was nearly as long as one wing and provided balance while in flight and could even be used as a weapon and could easily smash through a ten inch thick tree.
posted
After reading the excerpt i just posted I realized that it loses a lot when out of context from the surrounding lines. It is alot better when read in full and makes alot more sense. If anyone wants to read what I have in full please give me your email address and I will be glad to send it. Posts: 19 | Registered: Aug 2005
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posted
Please take some time getting to know the forum and it's members before posting. Also, read the good advice found in articles such as those at SFWA, and think about how it might might apply to your own writing before trying to get too many critiques. It might be easier to accept what's being said when it isn't being said specifically about what you've written.
Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999
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posted
This sounds like your starting a roleplay. The description is just too much for the first or "third" paragraph. Atleast thats how I see it. I do like the description of the girl because she does seem beautiful, but you need to space it with something more interesting
Posts: 6 | Registered: Jul 2005
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posted
I'm afraid I have to agre; it reads like notes to a role-playing character. It's exposition; we may be interested that she has leathery wings and a four foot tail, but we don't need to kow she's 5'10", or that her tail can smash through a ten-inch-thick tre (which would be mightily impressive; a really good two-handed felling axe won't normally do that on one stroke).
I'd be a lot more interested in what Jurai thinks of herself (or what others think of her) rather than just a straightforward description of her appearance. There's no emotion, other than the nice hint that she thought for a moment she looked beuatiful. I think you'd be better concentrating on her internal landscape than her external appearance.
posted
"Hi. My name is Susan. I'm a recovering Adjective-Aholic."
You aren't alone in making the mistake of drowning the reader in adjectives. You'll find that this opener is considered one of the "Things to Avoid at All Costs." Opening with adjective-plagued description, particularly when it's a static scene of the character viewing herself, is a sure-fire way to put your reader to sleep. You need to bring some action into the scene, and it's always best to work in the character's description as seen by another character.
One of the things to consider is that character description is completely unnecessary, unless there is a characteristic that affects the plot. If they are lame and can't move around easily, it matters--but the color of their hair does not. You should briefly mention the character has wings and a long tail so your reader knows that, but leave out the details of what the wings look like or what the tail can do until there is action in the story to support it.
Orson Scott Card wrote the entire novel "Saints" without once describing his main character. He was proud of that fact, and took note that readers he talked with reported a strong visual imagery of the character. They were all certain of what she looked like, but whether they thought of her as blonde or brunette was a case of self-identification, which means he was successful in allowing the reader to slip into the role.
Allow your reader some latitude in creating their own visual imagery. You don't need to force your mental picture on them. Spend your words wisely and use them to move the plot forward, which means you should focus on the action, not the description.
[This message has been edited by Elan (edited August 07, 2005).]
posted
Elan has pretty much said what I was thinking. In fact, I just posted a similar paragraph a few days ago and asked if others thought that it was too full of adjectives.
I also agree with Lanfear and tchernabyelo that it sounds too much like something from a role play. In this paragraph, you're telling instead of showing us. What I mean is, you can describe Jurai by saying something like: "Frustrated with her appearence, she turned and smashed through a near tree with her tail." That shows us that she has a powerful tail without you having to spend time telling us exactly what the tail looks like and what it can do. It also tells us a little about her character and a little of what she thinks about herself. And like Elan said, unless it's important to the story, we don't need to know hair color, eye color, exact height, etc.
Just remember to show us, not tell us. In other words--like Elan said--focus on action, not description.
posted
Thans for all of your info. I wrote this about 6 months ago and have since began reading "Charachter and Viewpoint" by Orson Scott Card and realized that a lengthy description is unnecessary! I have known for a while that I would need to rework my beginning and when I do I will focus more on WHY she is where she is and WHO she really is. Your feedback helped me to make a decision that I already knew I needed to do!
posted
It's also good for YOU to know this description...file it away in your story notes and refer to it if you need to!
Posts: 1041 | Registered: Aug 2004
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posted
I absolutely agree with Jeraliey. There are never wasted words as long as they help make YOU clear in your own mind. It's just that your readers don't always need to be subjected to them.
I wrote an entire dialog between two characters once, knowing I'd never include it in my story, because I tend to write like an improv actor acts and I needed to know what was said and how the characters thought about that conversation. The affect of the conversation was relevant in the book, not the conversation itself. It was a very useful technique.
posted
Thanks Jeraliey and Elan. I will definately remember that, and everything everyone else said as well. But hey, You have to admit that it was definately a very vivid description!! Posts: 19 | Registered: Aug 2005
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