by John A. Manley

“Give him your sword,� said Rax. “Now!�

Padel handed over his sword to the traitor.
“I’d sure like to give him my sword in another way.�

“You’re not the first,� replied Rax. “Ten men already tried.�

Rastus, the traitor carried the sword to the vat which the two soldiers behind him had set down. Padel had never seen him up close. He had expected something fiercer. After all that he’s done, he shouldn't look so human.

“How can we trust him?� said Padel as he swung the visor down over his face. He knew he looked a mess. He smelt horrible. He longed to be home. Five years without seeing my son. Mandel would be eight now.

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Anybody interested in reading the rest and giving some feedback can email me at: jmanley@creativityrising.com. I'd appreciate any comments, and open to harsh reviews. I've spent 130+ hours on this story, so you won't be reading a first draft. I've done my best to bring it to the best I can. Its about 9,000 words in printer rule format.

Thanks in advance.

In creativity rising,

John

I think the last paragraph is too soon to hit that tangeant.

Rastus, the traitor carried the sword to the vat which the two soldiers behind him had set down.

I think it would help if it was two sentences, like this:

The two soliders set down the vat. Rastus, the traitor, carried the sword over....

While that helps the sentence structure, I'm still not sure what's happening. What's in the vat? What is Rastus doing? It would help if you added some explanation here.

However;

"I'd sure like to give him my sword in another way" didn't work for me. "I'd sure like" comes over as quite specifically US regional idiomatic speech, and "in another way", while it's clear what you're making Padel imply, it just feels clunky.

I agree that the "vat" sentence is clumsy, too.

I didn't like the switch from third to first person dipping into Padel's thoughts. "His", not "my" would work just as well.

There's a temporary tense change after "He had expected something fiercer" that I think is a switch to Padel's thoughts; it's awkward. By the way, are there italics in here that aren't showing up? I just realized that might explain my and tchernabyelo's comments.

quote:

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“Give him your sword,� said Rax. “Now!�

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