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Author Topic: Busride (revisited)
ChrisOwens
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Florescent suns mushroomed over Topeka, whirling like a bare-bones galaxy, and disappeared as if they never were. Whispers stirred on Kevinís side of the bus, a few tapped at the window, but there was nothing to point at. Had it not been for the afterimages, Kevin wouldnít have believed his eyes. For a minute, he could lose himself in wonderment, and forget why he was here.

Kevinís heart slowed, the afterimages faded, the moment passed. He was just a teen from a shattered family, a number in a tally, another stat for a talk show shrink to quote-- hurray. With time, maybe the other images would fade. The image of his father sprawled on the couch, naked and passed out; of the bimbo scrambling for her dress. How much makeup could a woman cake on her face? That whore might know.
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I'm revisiting this, revising it anew. This is just rough revision. I want to see how this 13 strikes or doesn't.

In the original, some thought the character was too unlikable because of his hatred for his father, hopefully this starts things off on something other then a negetive note. At the same time, I am trying to hint at speculative elements to come...

I'm a bit out of it today, so out of it, I can't tell if the first sentence is grammatically correct. Well, I better go rest now...

[This message has been edited by ChrisOwens (edited November 02, 2005).]


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lehollis
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Honestly, I couldn't tell what was going on in the first paragraph. I think mostly I wasn't sure if the description was literal or something else.

I like the character I see emerging, though. I think it works, but I wondered if most teens would think of themselves as a statistic. They might; it's been a long time since I was a teen.


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Inkwell
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Here are my comments, such as they are. Some may be helpful, others not (though I hope the majority of them are constructive).

- I'll use an asterisk where critical personal preference issues are mentioned (and I promise to only mention what I consider to be critical matters of PP...not mundane stuff that does you no good).

- As far as the aforementioned first sentence goes, *I'm not sure if 'mushroomed' is the right descriptive word for suns (unless you're talking about actual mushroom clouds, and 'suns' is the true descriptive word).

- The way your second sentence is organized bothered me more than the first (which didn't really bother me at all during the initial reading). As it stands, it sounds like the whispers were tapping on the bus windows, not other passengers. I understood what you meant after reading it again, but was thrown off-course the first time through.

- Again, the use of 'afterimages' makes me think of thermonuclear detonations...'mushroomed' got me going on that track. That, coupled with Kevin's surprise at the suns' appearance. However, I tend to jump to martial conclusions more often than not and could be completely wrong.

- If the bus riders are indeed witnessing some kind of massive explosion, you should probably take brilliance into account. Simply put, if I were to look directly at a nuclear-scale explosion from even a 'safe' distance, I would be blinded (and permanently, if I were close enough to see the area or city where the bomb went off). If the 'suns' are not weapon detonations, this whole point is moot, and should be thoroughly ignored.

- The last sentence of the first paragraph is in present tense, I think, while the rest of it is in past tense.

- The first sentence *sounds a little too abrupt to me. Perhaps a simple 'and' after the second comma would help the flow a bit. This is just personal preference again, but I thought I'd mention it anyway (jus' tryin' to be helpful).

- I really liked the rest of the second paragraph. Very visceral...very emotional. Not too complicated, or too simple. I don't think this piece starts out on a 'negative note,' per se. It's not happy, to be sure, but I don't think that was what you were after, anyway.

-As far as hinting at pending speculative elements...if the mushrooming suns are detonations not of a nuclear nature, that is *certainly on the speculating side of things. Advanced energy weapons perhaps? Don't answer that.

In conclusion, I think this piece (and the main character) has definite potential. Only a small amount of polishing would enhance it immensely.


Inkwell
-----------------
"The difference between a writer and someone who says they want to write is merely the width of a postage stamp."
-Anonymous

[This message has been edited by Inkwell (edited November 02, 2005).]


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wbriggs
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What others said about the mushrooming suns. I did want to know what you really meant -- but it was a hook.

Then, in paragraph 2, you change the subject. Ack! I wanted to know about the bizarre sun images.

If the story is about reacting to Dad and the bimbo, I think you should start there, and forget the suns. (Although I did like them.)


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