posted
Around three o’clock on Saturday morning, Timothy, a mentally retarded child with an IQ of 20, was removed from his hospital bed and taken to an unused room at the end of the hall on ward D. The room was cold, dark, and unventilated. It had a pungent odor of stale urine, and was cluttered with broken and forgotten equipment: wheelchairs, metal canes, walkers, and gurneys. Once in the room, Timothy, who had never spoken a word in his life, screamed out in agony. His tissue, barely healed from his last encounter, ripped. Timothy used his hands to push away, hoping the pain would stop. But his hands were pulled to his sides and tied with a knot. Again Timothy cried out, but no one heard him. His voice never made it passed the metal door. As time dragged on, Timothy’s voice, as did his energy, grew weaker.
[This message has been edited by robinlindh (edited April 12, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited April 12, 2006).]
posted
This grabs me, but there are some seemingly contrary images. In the room we are told that "As time dragged on..." This gives the impression of the passage of a fair amount of time - but shortly we are told "The screams soon subsided."
We are told that he is "in a fetal position on the metal stretcher." A large orderly is tired from holding Timothy. If he is in a fetal position, just how and why is the orderly holding him? Mention should be made of the past struggle between the two, we have seen no struggle - just an orderly and Timothy in a fetal position.
Also, an IQ below 20 would make him an idiot. How is it that, at that level of retardation, they would even test and know he is autistic as well? How would they know the behavior was not as a result of retardation? I'm not saying this is not possible, but just a question out of curiosity. Wouldn't you have to have a certain amount of intelligence to at least display symptons of another neurological disorder such as autism?
"His tissue, barely healed from the last encounter, ripped."
What tissue? Where? How was it ripped? Give us some details.
"His hand were pulled to his side and tied with a knot"
I can imagine hands tied in front or behind the person, but at his side? How were they tied? Tied to what?
[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited April 11, 2006).]
posted
I do rather like it. I can see the character of Timothy very clearly. However, there are some niggling points that you might want to have a look at.
“Timothy, confused and badly bruised, huddled in a fetal position on the metal stretcher.”
Number one, fetal is spelled foetal.
Secondly, I can’t quite imagine Timothy being able to do this because earlier you state that “his hands were pulled to his sides and tied with a knot”. In my mind’s eye I had the impression this meant his wrists were tied to the bed frame. How is he then able to curl up on his side in a foetal position? Perhaps this can be explained with the same questions in the critique above.
"His tissue, barely healed from the last encounter, ripped." Again, as nitewriter asks, what tissue?
Quiz
[This message has been edited by Quizzical (edited April 11, 2006).]
posted
I think this does a good job of incorporating the last round of comments I have a clearer sense of what is happening than before, although as others have mentioned, I would be interested in more specific details about his past injuries, and there seem to be a few consistency issues.
Also, as nitewriter mentioned, an IQ below 20 is very very low. Average is 100, and while many people with autism have IQ's below 70, I think it is rare to have an IQ below 20 (I could be wrong though, it's been a long time since I last took an abnormal psych class). In any case, if Timothy does have an IQ that low, some of the things he does might be too sophisticated (e.g., "used his hands to push away, hoping the pain would stop" makes it sound like he is executing a plan. With an IQ of 20, I'd expect most of his actions to be more instinctive.)
posted
What kind of person is going to want to read more of this?
No, that's not an insult or attack, it's a serious question that you need to consider when using an opening like this. What motive does the reader have to continue reading?
I'm guessing that you want the reader to feel shock and horror when reading this, right? Well, bad news on that front as well. I'm not feeling anything but severe lack of interest. And I'd guess that many people here felt the same. It's a normal mental defense mechanism, when you are presented with something horrible and can't do anything about it, you do the best you can to ignore the situation.
Of course, readers can get out the the situation...by not reading any further. So we're back to considering the first question, aren't we?
posted
Whose POV is this? And what does this POV character feel?
Why is Timothy in agony? Who put him in this room?
I'd also agree: if Timothy is to be a character, his IQ is way too low. (You could make him autistic without the IQ disaster, and he'd still be in deep trouble.)
posted
On a technical note, autism is not generally associated with low IQ. I've worked with a number of people with autism over the years, and they can be quite intelligent. Autism is characterized by delays or impairments in social interactions and communication, along with very restricted and/or repetitive behavior. Posts: 195 | Registered: Jan 2006
| IP: Logged |
posted
I have to agree with Survivor. You're going for shock, but it's too over the top. You're throwing everything in but the kitchen sink to make me feel horrified, and I'm not horrified. I'm just aware you're trying really, really hard to *make* me be horrified.
As described above, some of your details clash with each other. Then there are facts that just don't fit. For example, WBriggs is right - low IQ and autism are unrelated. There are a lot of very intelligent autistics out there (Do read "The Curious Incident Of The Dog In The Night Time")and their families would take serious exception you your equating autism to a profoundly low IQ.
posted
Slow it down and take it one step at the time.
We have Timothy, that as best as I can figure, his mother didn't want him. Is that true?
We have an orderly taking him from safety to a room that for Timothy signals something very awful. You mention tissues whish suggests to me that Timothy is being abused. That is almost showing instead of telling.
Maybe try to show us Timothy's problems instead of telling so much in the first thirteen lines.
posted
Sorry robinlindh, this is slightly off topic . . .
I have decided I shall never again bother with correcting the spellings of others. Being an American who has spent a significant part of her childhood and teens in the UK, has meant my spelling has suffered, and it doesn’t help that I am also dyslexic.
I particularly remember one occasion when an ex-English teacher of mine gave me a patronising look and told me not to spell jail “J A I L”, but spell it the proper British way of “G A O L”. Sufficiently chastised I used that spelling ever after. Until a few weeks ago, when I was talking to another of my teachers and she announced that “G A O L” was old fashioned and insisted that I use the other way. The moral of the story is that I use neither of these; I use “P R I S O N”.
robinlindh – ignore my feeble attempt at correcting your spellings!
posted
Is there a different place you could start the story? Maybe show us Timothy doing something so we like him and care what happens. Or if this is going to be an investigation done later, start us there.
Posts: 303 | Registered: Mar 2006
| IP: Logged |
posted
I'm with Survivor up until the point where he said he wasn't shocked and horrified. I definitely was. This is a painful, evocative opening, but I'm not sure I'd continue. I love gruesome, evil horror -- but this is a little too much for me right up front.
Posts: 1621 | Registered: Apr 2002
| IP: Logged |
quote:Around three o’clock on Saturday morning [...] wheelchairs, metal canes, walkers, and gurneys.
After each of these sentences, I keep asking myself, why is he being taken to this room, and by whom? Whomever they are, they know, and I feel like I should at this point too. If I'm not supposed to know for plot reasons, then I'd need the information presnted differently for me to buy into it.
quote:Once in the room, Timothy, who had never spoken a word in his life, screamed out in agony.
I could be mistaken, but I vaguely recall something about not speaking and not vocalizing being different issues.
quote:Even a strong man would have succumbed under such conditions, Timothy
Something about this part of the sentence bugs me. I think because I don't know anything about the struggle, or what the conditions really were. Tell me more about it, and I don't think the "strong man" reference would be necessary.
Posts: 160 | Registered: Feb 2006
| IP: Logged |
posted
Are you describing him being tied to the bed/gurney with a rope? Is that an important detail? All hospitals use restraints, normally soft straps that velcro. They once used leather with buckles. Nowadays, hospital staff would never tie someone to a bed/gurney. You could google hospital restraints to see what they are currently using.
Posts: 579 | Registered: Mar 2004
| IP: Logged |
posted
The hospital I work in strives to be restraint-free. We use padded rails, padding around IV's, taped-down catheters, medication, close observation. Sure, I know how to use restraints, but even when they are used, they must be used only with a doctor's order and can only be in place for a limited amount of time. Restraints are a final resort, and are not standard.
What I see in this story is pure shock and horror. There's no empathy with this character, we don't know what's special about him that we should like him and be rooting for him. Here's what I would like, personally: A view from inside his head. What's this all look like to him, how does it feel to be helpless and frightened and fighting against what you don't know. Either that, or take me inside the head of those who are trying to care for him, or at least keep him from hurting himself.
If you're going for a horror effect, a Kingdom Hospital atmosphere, don't start with Timothy. Start with the setting, with the atmosphere of the place, of the zombie-like workers, of the gloomy, blank-walled, maze-like interior, with the sheer creepiness of the place where Timothy is being kept, so that I can suspend disbelief when I see all the "it's just not done like that in real life" stuff, like placing a patient in a crowded room with stuff that doesn't pertain to his care, like gurneys, walkers, and wheelchairs, for example.
[edited to improve clarity. Note to self: Read post BEFORE submitting next time, not after.]
[This message has been edited by DeepDreamer (edited April 13, 2006).]
posted
Sometimes that's hard to do (Reading post before) lol.
Now you pose an interesting thought. Maybe start with the big dude attacking Timothy. He comes to work, punches in, maybe has a buddy on the fourth floor and they talk about their victims jokingly, enough to tease the reader into reading more. Have the big dude do his job, what out for nurses, maybe come on to one. And then move in on Timothy. He can focus on a particular sound or voice and know what is coming. Then instill his fear into the reader. And you can be graphic without telling us what the intern is putting where.
Printer-friendly view of this topic
I have a clearer sense of what is happening than before, although as others have mentioned, I would be interested in more specific details about his past injuries, and there seem to be a few consistency issues.
