posted
This is the opening from a mainstream novel I'm working on. I'd appreciate an thoughts/input. Thanks!
My mother named me Antoinette during her French phase so I’m stuck with a name that’s far too big for a skinny white girl from Freedom, Kentucky. Antoinette is a name that should belong to an olive skinned woman with more curves than the Kentucky back roads. Not someone who’s never been more than two hours outside of Freedom and who’s about as exotic as a worn pair of blue jeans. Outside of my long white blond hair I’m as plain as the day is long.
As a result, I’ve taken to going by Ann. Nobody expects much from someone called Ann. So when the man standing at my front door blinks in surprise after I say, “I’m Antoinette,” I’m used to it.
I give him a moment to compose himself then stand back from the
[This message has been edited by Rose (edited April 25, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited April 25, 2006).]
quote: My mother named me Antoinette during her French phase so I’m stuck with a name that’s far too big for a skinny white girl from Freedom, Kentucky.
This sentence feels overstuffed. How about "far too big for me," and then put the details in later?
I lean away from present tense, here, unless there's a good reason for it.
quote:So when the man standing at my front door blinks in surprise after I say, “I’m Antoinette,” I’m used to it.
What is the man doing there? We find out later, but I had to stop and reread to put the pieces togehter. If you tell us as soon as there's someone at the door, this will make it easier for me to read. Posts: 2830 | Registered: Dec 2004
| IP: Logged |
posted
You had me with the first paragraph. LOVELY! But it didn't lead me very well into what came next.
I wasn't ready for a funeral. The first paragraph didn't prepare me for it. The second paragraph didn't prepare me for it. The beginning of the third paragraph doesn't prepare me for it. Then in the final two words of the third paragraph, there it is. When the narrator says, "I'm used to it," at the end of the second paragraph, I don't expect this particular occurrence at the door to be unusual, merely mundane. And for his admittance into the house (beginning of third paragraph) to be nothing unusual.
And, yes, the sudden shift to present tense is jarring. Anyway, why would he be surprised by her saying her name is Antoinette if he doesn't know her (which it appears is the case)? They're used to big names in the South anyway. Ask Mary Robinette.
posted
The first paragraph is awesome. The rest of it felt rushed to me. The tense change did make it choppy. If you had ten people read this and tell you how old they think Ann is, I'm guessing you would get a whole bunch of different answers. I pictured her as about 11.
Posts: 88 | Registered: Apr 2006
| IP: Logged |
posted
I think that it has all the elements of a solid opening. In the first paragraph, you manage to give us a quick exploration of the character and her relationship to her mother that also gives us a good sampling of the character's voice and relates to the immediate scene.
Unfortunately, I'm pretty much with Christine on first person present tense. I don't have a very long attention span for that particular format of narration. Even if the story is wonderful, I keep losing track of what's going on when and who's talking and all that stuff, and eventually I just give up.
posted
Well, I guess I'm the only one who feels this opening has one or two too many quaint descriptions. I liked the first sentence. But then the reader is hit up for three sentences in a row with "more curves than a back road" "exotic as a pair off blue jeans" "as plain as the day is long" (not terribly original)
One or two, OK, but three is too many in a row.
The balance of the opening was good and interesting.
[This message has been edited by Omakase (edited April 25, 2006).]
posted
I love your opener. I think the first paragraph CAN be a bit thick on description, particularly since you didn't go overboard with adjectives or adverbs. It was perfect to set up the character.
I only have a few nits: saying she has white blonde hair seems redundant. Unless the whiteness of her blondeness factors into the story, I'd leave the word "white" out of it. Let the reader determine the level of blonde they imagine; unless, as I said, it is relevant to the plot.
I didn't like the transition from past to present tense. Particularly since it comes mid paragraph. Present tense is a joy-killer for a lot of people; it just doesn't read as smoothly. I suggest you take a hard assessment of your reasons for writing in present tense, and calculate the price you pay for it, and decide if it's really worth it. Only you know if the story demands present tense. But I was more comfortable with your opener, in past tense.
"As a result, I’ve taken to going by Ann.".... this I had to re-read to understand. I suggest rephrasing it in a slightly more concise manner: "As a result, I go by my nickname, Ann." The part that threw me off was "...taken to going by...." That is a particularly convoluted way to say what you are trying to say. Simplify, if you can.
Other than that, excellent first 13. I would definately continue to read.
posted
I do feel obligated to report on something from OSC (I haven't verified it): in the "literary" genre, he said, present tense is standard. But then few read this genre, I think.
Posts: 2830 | Registered: Dec 2004
| IP: Logged |
posted
I liked this opening. I found it quite entertaining. I don't know if I'd be willing to put up with this character for an entire novel, however. Short story, yes, but a novel? I don't know. I'd have to read a bit more of the story first to get a feel for the plot, etc.
Posts: 107 | Registered: Nov 2005
| IP: Logged |
Thanks so much for all of the responses. I will definitely rethink the first person present tense. I'm not trying to be literary, I just want to write a good story that people enjoy and if this many people have an issue with it, it's a problem.
It's a relief to find a group that gives you honest feedback about your work. What a help!
"so I’m stuck with a name [...]" First thing I thought was, so what, go by a different name. After reading on, I thought mentioning "I've taken to going by Ann" should be moved after the "stuck with" sentence.
"more curves than the Kentucky back roads" seems a little strong on cliche.
After stating that she goes by Ann, I thought it very odd that she then said "I'm Antoinette." She explains why she doesn't like the name, that she chose to go by another name, then turns around and uses the name she doesn't like. Just didn't work for me.
In loose terms, there's enough there to make it interesting.
posted
I think I missed the longer post, as djvdakota comments about information that I haven't seen. I loved your first paragraph. However, I agree with pjp. From your first paragraph, I could see Ann correcting someone who used the long version of her name with, "It's just Ann."
Posts: 247 | Registered: Apr 2006
| IP: Logged |
Printer-friendly view of this topic
