posted
It was cold outside. Cold and cloudy, and the sky was dark, the clouds pregnant with the promise of rain. I stepped out of the church and watched the snow fall down; seeing the white, icy flakes descend to the ground and settle, before being conglomerated into the ever-increasing mass of snow on the earth beneath my feet. I stayed in this stance, mesmerized for a few seconds, before my brain kicked in and reminded me what I was to do next. I was going to the only person who could help me; the only one I could trust. Memory came back to me, as a specter, possessing me entirely, and consuming me, a dark foreboding entity that just didn’t want to die, even after the irreparable damage it had caused. I thought back to the service that had just ended. ‘May the grace of our Lord, the love of God, and the
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited May 06, 2006).]
posted
First off, what is the length of this piece? Short story, novel, flash? Second, what kind of feedback are you looking for?
Here are some random thoughts of mine. Warning: reading it over it sounds terse.
"It was cold outside. Cold and cloudy, and the sky was dark, the clouds pregnant with the promise of rain."
-This can be condensed or cut entirely. I'd cut it because the clouds are full of snow not rain.
"I stepped out of the church and watched the snow fall down; seeing the white, icy flakes descend to the ground and settle, before being conglomerated into the ever-increasing mass of snow on the earth beneath my feet."
-This seems overly wordy for the first thirteen. The description is a little bloated. Condense it.
"I stayed in this stance, mesmerized for a few seconds, before my brain kicked in and reminded me what I was to do next."
-Is this the character or author speaking? I'd cut this. It brings the reader to a stop.
"I was going to the only person who could help me; the only one I could trust."
-I like this, instant conflict. The story starts here.
"Memory came back to me, as a specter, possessing me entirely, and consuming me, a dark foreboding entity that just didn’t want to die, even after the irreparable damage it had caused."
-He has a flashback, a bad memory. What is it? Why is it bad? If it 'possesses him entirely and consumes him' it must take more than one line before he is thinking back to the service. Unless the service is the bad memory?
"I thought back to the service that had just ended. --- I had put the Bible down on the pew, and walked out, unable to forget, try as I might."
Unable to forget what? The quote?
After 13 lines all I know is that it is snowing outside a church and a guy/girl is standing in it. He is in trouble but instead we focus on the snowflakes and church service.
Who is the MC? Why is he/she in trouble? What is the significance of the there only being one person in the world to help him/her. What is the MCs name and gender?
I would take this line: "I was going to the only person who could help me; the only one I could trust." and start there. Rewrite the rest. It was decent prose but it does not help drive the story. Let us know more about this character and his/her problem.
posted
Please let us know more because we are more forgiving on slower starts for novels rather than short stories.
This is very dense reading. IMHO that's not good. It felt like too much work to parse through very long and detailed descriptions/sentances. More clarity is needed along with much less telling.
>It was cold outside. < If you deleted this line and started with the stepping out of the church you'd be showing me it was cold not telling me.
> Cold and cloudy, and the sky was dark, the clouds pregnant with the promise of rain. <
How are the clouds "pregnant with the promise of rain" when it is cold and snowy? You completely lost me here.
> I stepped out of the church and watched the snow fall down; seeing the white, icy flakes descend to the ground and settle, before being conglomerated into the ever-increasing mass of snow on the earth beneath my feet. <
NIT - This is far too long a sentance. If you are using a semicolon odds are you are better off with two or more sentances. There is just too much information to process. If I was skimming in a book store for a new author/book to read, this is where you lose me. Actually, I might have hung in until three lines later when you do it again, but that is the maximum I would give this story. It sounds too much like you being impressed at how you can put the words together and it doesn't flow. I had to re-read the sentance to understand everything happening in it.
>I stayed in this stance, mesmerized for a few seconds, before my brain kicked in and reminded me what I was to do next. I was going to the only person who could help me; the only one I could trust. <
I want to know what his/her issue is, or at least the general idea (not the details). I don't want it hidden from me. You aren't creating mystery, you are just withholding information. Personnally, now I am tearing my hair out, please tell me SOMETHING about what is going on. All I know is someone just stepped out of a church and has something he/she needs to do.
NIT - by this point, I want to know the gender if not the name of the MC.
> Memory came back to me, as a specter, possessing me entirely, and consuming me, a dark foreboding entity that just didn’t want to die, even after the irreparable damage it had caused. <
This is where I am done as a reader. To give feeback I did drag myself through the rest of it, but otherwise, the book is closed.
> ‘May the grace of our Lord, the love of God, and the sweet fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you now and forever more. Amen. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the shadow of the almighty. Amen.’ <
The quote might work if I had any idea what the service was. Is this a funeral, Sunday mass, what? While I assume it's a Catholic service, the quote is not one that I am familiar with, so I'm not 100% sure.
> I had put the Bible down on the pew, and walked out, unable to forget, try as I might. <
ACTION!! YEA!!! Although the "try as I might" may be redundant unless he/she is stresing it as a character trait. But I still don't know who he/she is and what he/she is doing there. Was he/she the minister?
[This message has been edited by kings_falcon (edited May 05, 2006).]
posted
I found myself wandering. I read a lot and a habit of mine is when the description starts growing like a verbal kudzu, I skip it. My eyes scan further down the page for something more interesting or relevant. Fiction writers especially F&SF writers oftimes lean towards the verbose in their descriptions of places & experiences. The worlds in our heads are so vivid we try too hard to make other people see and feel what we do. There is some good imagery in what your describing. Look at it again and think concise. Your reader's imagination is the most powerful tool you have, trust me, it will do the rest.
I also agree with Grim and King...is your story a novel, a short story? King is on the money if this is a short story. <I was going to the only person who could help me; the only one I could trust.> Is a good hook and a great place to start. That is the very spot in your lines that brought me back into the story.
[This message has been edited by Bionic Fuzz (edited May 05, 2006).]
posted
I'm going to give my reactions play-by-play. These were just my reactions in reading; nothing intended to be snarky.
It was cold outside. Cold and cloudy, and the sky was dark, the clouds pregnant with the promise of rain. ** I'm getting a clear picture, and I like it ** I stepped out of the church and watched the snow fall down; seeing the white, icy flakes ** I'm getting bored -- I knew that snow comes in white, icy flakes; doesn't do anything for me ** descend to the ground and settle, before being conglomerated into the ever-increasing mass of snow on the earth beneath my feet. ** bored -- narrator is watching snow, but I don't know why, or why I should care ** I stayed in this stance, mesmerized for a few seconds, before my brain kicked in and reminded me what I was to do next. ** confused -- what's mesmerizing about snowfall? ** I was going to the only person who could help me; the only one I could trust. ** confused -- what's up? annoyed -- why won't the author tell me? ** Memory came back to me, as a specter, possessing me entirely, and consuming me, a dark foreboding entity that just didn’t want to die, even after the irreparable damage it had caused. ** seriously annoyed -- why is the author keeping all the significance secret? Everything that might tell me why I want to read, he won't tell me ** I thought back to the service that had just ended. ‘May the grace of our Lord, the love of God, and the sweet fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you now and forever more. Amen. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the shadow of the almighty. Amen.’ I had put the Bible down on the pew, and walked out, unable to forget, try as I might. ** forget what? Seriously annoyed.. **
OK. This reminds me of an example OSC has in Characters & Viewpoint. A detailed description of someone's getting up, the sun on the sheets and the note on the pillow, the shower and how the droplets of water cleansed but the grief is still there . . . lots of detail, but what we really want to know is, what's in that note?
I think that may be what made others describe this as dense text. The words aren't big and the sentence structures aren't baroque, but they just aren't telling me why I'd want to read.
The story is actually a novel; it's 26, 090 words.
BAsically, what you guys are saying is that it is too descriptive, and loses the reader too quickly, right?
In other words i should cut out the excessive adjectives and focus on trying to pull the reader into the story... (eg, don't waste tinme telling the reader about snow when they already know it's white)
The thing is, i want the memory to be what pulls the reader in; i don't want to spoil the 'flow' or movement; it's supposed to make the person what to know what exactly itr is that is wrong... I don't want to spoonfeed the reader. Any ideas on how to pull it off???
posted
A way you can bring the reader in without spoiling the memory--if that is what you're going for--would be to give us some hints about it: the screams never stop; he can't get that gruesome image of the severed hand laying at his feet out of his head. Something like that. Little clues about what this memory is will keep us interested longer.
Posts: 107 | Registered: Nov 2005
| IP: Logged |
posted
I'm not saying it's too descriptive. The descriptions seem arbitrary and do nothing for the story. If the falling snow triggered the memory, tie it to the memory. If the particular dismissal during mass is important, tell us why. A reader doesn't need to be spoonfed, but you need to whet his appetite. Snow is snow the world over. Everybody has bad memories. Most people leave the church after the mass. These common events need to be associated with the uncommon events in the MC's life. A crumb is all that I'm asking for, otherwise I put the book down and read elsewhere. Posts: 36 | Registered: Jan 2006
| IP: Logged |
posted
This is just a suggestion, but if the memory is the hook, start with it in real time and then jump forward to this scene. Then the reader will already be hooked and enjoy this describtion without getting annoyed.
Posts: 88 | Registered: Apr 2006
| IP: Logged |
posted
The opening line should be "The clouds were pregnant with rain..." Or something to that effect. That cloud line is really strong compared to the other descriptive info. It is one of my pet peeves for a story to open with "It was...", so maybe that is why I think their something wrong. Otherwise everything sounds good and is keeping me interested.
Posts: 162 | Registered: Jun 2005
| IP: Logged |
Except I've heard that line a hundred times and I'd probably set the story aside immediately. It's not quite "It was a dark and stormy night" but it's pretty close to "The first time I met so-and-so he was...."
posted
I've always been fond of "it was a dark and stormy night." Conjures up memories of Snoopy sitting on top of his doghouse, hard at work at the typewriter. I've often wanted to start a story off with that line. And oddly enough, I've yet to see a real story that begins with it. But lordy, save me from the stories that start out: "He woke up..."
I agree with the other comments about the mundane-ness of the snow, the rain, the environment. The environment OUTSIDE is not what interests us... it's the environment inside the MC's head that is the hook. If the exterior scene doesn't factor into the plot, gloss over it quickly and tell us what DOES matter.
[This message has been edited by Elan (edited May 07, 2006).]
posted
26,000 words would not make this a novel. 80,000-120,000 is standard novel size depending on genre. 26,000 is more like a novella.
As to the story, ditch it was cold out, the clouds being pregnant, and start it with the snow covering the ground. Obviously, if it's snowing, it's cold. Remember this is your hook, if you bore us with scenery and no action we won't keep reading.
posted
Is there any reason that you have to start and then flashback to the memory? Can you start with whatever it is that haunts him/her?
Right now I am not connected or vested in any way in the MC.
It's not so much that the descriptions are too verbose (although that is an issue for me, at least). It is that all your effort seems to be spent telling me about the enviornment and not what is going on with the MC. If I know who the MC is and have a glimmer of his/her issue, I am willing to put up with a lot of "dense" description. By the time you hint at action (the 13th line) I've probably given up on the story.
You also probably need to shorten it to make it a short story or lenghten it for a novel.
posted
I suggest: don't worry about spoiling the memory. Tell us. Since the memory is important, I echo an earlier suggestion: show us, in the moment, then go forward to when it's a memory.
But maybe I don't understand what you're getting at. If I have a memory of an event that's the draw of the story, it isn't the *memory* that's interesting, it's the event. Is there something about the fact that this is remembered, that is important? Like in the movie Memento, in which being unable to remember was the central problem of the movie?
posted
Hello. How about this (but note this is much longer...
It was cold outside. I felt the blast of icy wind as the snow fell; the closest thing to a mirror image of my soul. I didn’t like the weather; it was too similar to the desolation inside my soul; too similar to the memory.
I heard the sound of a car pulling up and parking, throwing small stones off the gravel as it did so. “Honey, will you get that?” Mom called. I obliged, peeking through the window and seeing a black sedan on the driveway; but not completely. . The driver emerged and dusted himself off before closing the door, looking behind him, and heading for the house. I closed the curtain. “Mom!” I called out. I hoped she’d hear me. “It’s someone I don’t know. Do you want me to open for him?”
I was going to the only person who could help me; the only one I could trust. Memory came back to me, as a specter, possessing me entirely, and consuming me, a dark foreboding entity that just didn’t want to die, even after the irreparable damage it had caused. I fought back in my mind valiantly, trying to push away the darkness, but, as before, it was no use.
I opened the door and the man stood before me, dressed in a military uniform; a row of badges adorning his suit breast. Something told me it was important. He gave a crisp, almost perfunctory salute, and I responded in kind. “I would like to speak to a Ms. Angela Harper.” “Mrs.” I corrected. “Mom! Someone wants to see you.” “she’ll be here in a moment. would you like a seat?” “No thanks sir. I’d rather stand.” Suit yourself, I thought to myself. I wandered into the lounge but I couldn’t sate my curiosity. Why was he here? I watched Mom go up to him, and I moved closer to them so I could hear them more clearly; staying all the while in the view of the guest. “Mrs Harper?” he questioned. “Yes?” “I have a telegram for you. I think you should read it now.” He handed over a brown envelope and she opened it, unfolding it carefully.
I thought back to the service that had just ended. ‘May the grace of our Lord, the love of God, and the sweet fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you now and forever more. Amen. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow us all the days of our lives, and we shall dwell in the shadow of the Almighty. Amen.’ the minister had prayed, concluding this Sunday’s service. Somehow, it hadn’t helped. So, I had put the Bible down on the pew, and walked out, unable to forget the service that had changed my life.
“He was a great man; a philanthropist, and one who worked to improve the lives of those around him. He will be missed by all present here... I pray that God will be with his family.” That was it. They closed the casket, and placed the flag on top of it. The soldiers fired the guns into the air, seven times; each shot ringing in my heart. That was when the diggers stuck their shovels into the ground and started to cover the casket; a crushing finality was present as they did so; I fought to hold back the tears. Ashes to ashes, and dust to dust…
& thanks to all who've taken the time to read and comment. Hopefully one day i'll become something like the great OSC...
posted
PS, the 2nd, 4th, and 6th paragraphs are the memories; i tried to follow a version of Woodie's idea. (And the novel is stillbeing written, to answer giggles...
Posts: 4 | Registered: May 2006
| IP: Logged |
posted
Please review the guidelines on Fragment length and the reasoning behind them. These guidelines are for the protection of your intellectual property, particularly the all-important first publication rights to your work. If you chose to forfeit any salable rights to your work, that is of course your choice and does not disqualify you from being a member of this forum, but you should consider whether this is really the place to do it, given our guidelines on the subject.
Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999
| IP: Logged |
Based on the long post I know the MC is troubled by the death of his father, but you've lost clarity in shifting back and forth between the funeral and the soldier arriving with the telegram.
Also, I am completely confused at the MC's age. In the "flashback" he seems like a young child - asking whether he should let the stranger in and not connecting his appearance on thier doorstep with his father's service in the military - in the service - he seems much older - 20's or so.
Why not just start the story just before the telegram arrives? You can then jump forward to the funeral.
posted
The MC is going to see the only person who can help him, so why is he enjoying the view? If he's distracted or confused, I want to know that, and I want an idea why. The fact that he's admiring the snow makes me feel that the impending doom isn't really that bad.
If you want to describe the scene to start, I think it might work to give us the scene, but tainted by the MC's worries, fear, and anxiety. Is the snow going to make getting to his destination dangerous and slow? Is the cold weather unexpected or a cause for worry? Does the reduced visibility and muffled sound mean that an enemy could be just around the corner and he wouldn't know? If you're giving me snow to start with, I want the snow to be important.
I don't think snow conglomerates. Even if it does, I don't think it should. The snow's putting on airs.
Once you get past the snow, I like the way the story's starting to go. You've got some drama, some hint of danger, and an idea that the MC is either religious, or sarcastic about religion, or that religion will play a role in the story.
Printer-friendly view of this topic
I've often wanted to start a story off with that line. And oddly enough, I've yet to see a real story that begins with it. But lordy, save me from the stories that start out: "He woke up..."
