posted
This is a 5k scifi short story (I don't think I really go into the nitty gritty enough to call it hard science fiction.) I'd appreciate comments/crits on the opening (especially the questions I ask after the 13 lines) and if anyone would like to critique the whole thing. (Or even if you don't want to critique it, I'd appreciate it if anyone would read it and just tell me if they understood what's actually going on through the story.)
# # #
I write this epitaph for a woman I have never met. But it must be me, for there is no other, and this is all I can give to such great a debt. She passed unknown and unacknowledged from this world, leaving no body nor grave nor any lasting memorial, save perhaps a lingering suspicion in those who took any notice at all.
We met during the first breath of spring. People trundled through the roads, laughing and chattering and basking in the sunlight that shone bright, yet soft. The air was tinged with the sweet scent of the artificial cherry trees planted in perfect pairs to either side. And I was wandering befuddled outside, trying to piece my mind back together after a marathon bout of database programming.
# # #
--I've been waffling over this a bit. 'Epitaph' or 'eulogy'? Eulogy seems to be used more often, but it doesn't seem to have the DEATH! overtones that epitaph does in its definition. (I want to be blunt in the beginning that this story is a commemoration for the dead.)
--Should I keep the 'I write' bit in the first sentence, or would starting with 'This is an epitaph...' be better? (I suppose this point is moot if the crit is that the first two sentences suck and should be tossed. *g*)
--Beginning the second sentence with 'But'. Yea, nay?
--And the dialogue didn't quite make it into the 13 lines but... *looks around stealthily* Is it all right that people decades from now will be wandering around going 'all right'?
[This message has been edited by AHazard (edited May 30, 2006).]
posted
He did and he did not meet her. *g* (The explanation for this is actually one of the things I wanted to check to see if readers understood by the end of the story.) Hopefully it's not so confusing as to put people off.
posted
Well, for what it's worth... the seeming inconsistency within the first two paragraphs is pretty off-putting to me. As a reader, I'd probably be more apt to chalk it up to carelessness than to an intentional literary device.
Posts: 77 | Registered: Feb 2006
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posted
I'd echo Jesse's comment. Perhaps if you say instead "I thought I met her..." then you've got a hook, rather than an inconsistency. A known writer can get away with the technique you're trying here, but I suspect that most editors would not bother to read on to find out how clever you're being, they'd just stop, right then and there. And you don't want that to happen.
Posts: 1469 | Registered: Jun 2005
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posted
To me, "epitaph" means a short phrase or statement, whereas "eulogy" is more appropriate for a longer statement. Both have equal reference to death, IMO.
I don't understand the second sentence, because "...it must be me..." is a phrase I've most often heard used with sarcastic or ironic overtones. I'm still not certain what you mean to be saying there, but I suspect the speaker is implying that he/she is the only one who remembers the dead woman. There should be a clearer way to convey this.
You mention a "debt", but then just leave that tidbit dangling. I think the "debt" is your hook, but you move past it too fast.
I don't mind starting the occasional sentence with a conjunction.
"He did and he did not meet her." Oh. If I know from the start of a story that the writer is going for that kind of paradox, I just quit reading. If I figure it out at the end, I feel betrayed. I don't like stories that never answer their own riddles. Some people do, though, so this is just one person's opinion.
posted
Personally I was kind of bothered by the style in the second paragraph. I realize it's exactly the same as the first, but having moved from the high-minded attempts of your narrator to a more every-day setting, I would suggest using more everyday language. It feels like your hitting the thesaurus too much and it comes across as a little cheesy. I'd suggest toning down the language.
posted
There are too many contraditions and unknowns for me in these two paragraphs. I don't know the gender of the narrator. While I can wait longer than most for a name, a gender helps a lot. Readers start visualizing a character as soon as the character enters the story. I have to assign a gender almost immediately. If I pick the "wrong" gender, when the author catches up to me, I am a bit miffed.
Others have hit on the "never met," "unknown and unacknowledged" and "we met" problem. Clarity is missing. Tell me why: (1) he thinks he's(see I picked a gender and will be annoyed if I am wrong) never met her" (2) she was unknown and; (3) he met her on what sounds like the start of a lovely spring day. He knows. Don't withhold the information since this seems like it is part of your hook.
quote: But it must be me, for there is no other, and this is all I can give to such great a debt.
As anyone who has had me critique their stories knows, starting a sentance with an "and" or "but" is a real nit for me. I don't mind it once or twice, but the temptation is to overuse it. So while this one use causes me no problem, I would start counting the times you resorted to using an "and" or "but" to start a sentance. You use "and" to start a sentance in the next paragraph which makes me suspect you might use "and" and "but" too much for my tastes. Once the use of the words hit an arbitrary annoyance threshhold, I put the story down regardless of how well written the rest of it is.
I also think you can say that the MC is the only person who can tell this story without referencing the "debt." I'm willing to wait and read on as to why it needs to be him. If you mention the "debt" I want the next section devoted to telling me what the "debt" is.
You might be better off deleting the first paragraph and starting with the second one.
quote: And I was wandering befuddled outside, trying to piece my mind back together after a marathon bout of database programming.
IMHO - The "and" weakens the rest of the sentance. How about something like:
"After a marathon session of database programing, I wandered aimlessly through the (park, field, Astrodome)."
I know a bit more about the MC and the setting this way. Also, the sentance flows better because I am not trying to cram too much information into it.
You don't have to hint at everything in the first 13 lines. I want to know if your writing style will drive me crazy before the end of the story and have some idea what the story is about. If too much is hinted at and withheld in the first 13, the story goes in the "drive me crazy" pile.
If you can clarify (at least in my mind) what is happening then I would probably read more.
posted
Eulogy, definitely. 13 lines is too long to put on a headstone.
To me, the hook was the last line, that narrator is doing something with database programming. If it's just his job and not particularly relevant, I'll be disappointed. I want database programming to have something to do with untimely death!
I personally want less time spent on narrator telling us about his telling us the story (a little's OK) and a quicker mention of the hook.
posted
This is a eulogy for a woman I have never met. I hardly seem worthy, yet there is no other, and this is all that can be given to such great a debt. She left no body, nor grave, nor any lasting memorial, and so the world continues believing that she still walks among the living.
# # #
We met during the first breath of spring. [Etc]
Would a scenebreak between the paragraphs help clarify things I bit? I wasn't actually trying to make it seem that the narrator was meeting the dead woman on first read-through. (He is, sort of, but that's not really important to know.)
I thought saying who he's actually meeting "I met my chimera during the first breath of spring" would be more confusing at this point, since chimeras won't be explained for quite a bit yet. (Not to mention he wouldn't know she's a chimera at this point either.)
Calling her by name "I met Chiandra with the first breath of spring" might not help with the confusion if the reader thinks Chiandra is the dead woman anyway. Also, it might be a bit repetitious as she's about to introduce herself a few lines down.
And sorry, there's a lot of messing around with computer tech and programming, but no more databases after this point.
posted
"Epitaph" conveys a greater sense of finality. It's derived from a word meaning "on the gravestone". "Eulogy" simply means speaking well of someone, though it is connected with formally praising the life of a person who is dead.
Use whichever you feel like using. I think that you intend for this to be an epitaph...the only monument this woman will get. But that's probably because you already used the term in your opening.
A more important problem is that the direct contradiction simply confuses us. He never met her...but he did meet someone. So who did he meet? Someone who noticed her? Another befuddled database programmer? Leprechauns?
We don't know, the only thing we know for sure is that you aren't talking about the narrator meeting the subject of this text because he clearly states that he did not.
Other than that, I don't dislike what you have. I could read 5k more of this, probably.
posted
I thought the hook had some good elements in it, however, here are some criticisms: As a reader I had a problem understanding the point of view, and I had to go back and reread the first paragraph to get it. Second, the explosion happens so quick and abrupt that it seemed to completely destroy the scene. It seems so unnatural. It's hard for me to say exactly why it doesn't feel right (so I'll use a metaphor), but it's like watching a kissing scene, and then the guy misses and butts teeth with the girl, thereby ruining the fluidness of the scene. I would try to find another way to incorporate the explosion, or even leave it for later in the chapter. Overall, the rest seemed interesting enough, though.
Posts: 11 | Registered: May 2006
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posted
I think the unexplained contradiction is too strong for me, even in your second version. "I never met" and "We met" slaps the reader in the face, and if there's no explanation -- not even a hint that there might be one -- then it's too much for me.
Perhaps, if the contradiction is needed for the story, you open differently:
quote: I write this eulogy for a woman I have never met. But this is not the whole truth, for I remember meeting her during the first breath of spring.
The diction on this might be a little high, especially for a database programmer (just kidding, Will), but hopefully you see the point: I tried to at least get it in the open immediately so that it's not quite so shockingly contradictory in the second paragraph.
quote:'Epitaph' or 'eulogy'?
My vote goes with "eulogy".
quote:Should I keep the 'I write' bit in the first sentence, or would starting with 'This is an epitaph...' be better?
I think the "I write" is fine, but it sets a mood -- Victorian, almost -- that needs to be paid off.
quote:Beginning the second sentence with 'But'. Yea, nay?
Personally, I think that if you don't overdo it, it's fine. Until I started working in marketing, I didn't realize how often people do it, and how rarely people notice. I generally avoid doing it, but I don't stress about using it when it feels right and the alternatives are clunky. There are times when I want a full stop and then want to continue on another, related track. Stringing together clauses with semicolons has its limits, and "But" and "And" work well enough.
quote:Is it all right that people decades from now will be wandering around going 'all right'?
That specific phrase is so well-embedded into the culture that I'd say no one will blink at it. If anything, they might wonder why you don't spell it "alright". *shudders*
posted
As I understand it an 'Epitaph' is written and a 'Eulogy' is spoken. Decide which one is going on here.
Posts: 1895 | Registered: Mar 2004
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posted
I think it's fine to say, "I met my chimera..." Let your readers be interested in the woman from that perspective right from the start. IMHO, most readers have a basic understanding of chimeras, enough to keep going without needing an immediate, full explanation. It doesn't matter whether or not the narrator knew the woman was his chimera when he met her, he knows that fact when he is telling the story. Besides, it is a very important part of his attachment to this woman, and I assume it is the basis of the "debt." He's not likely to refer to her in generic terms.
Posts: 247 | Registered: Apr 2006
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posted
I don't know what a chimera is. I think saying "I met Chiandra..." would work for me. Let us find out about her with the MC. The scene break is good--it sets the eulogy/epitaph apart. Otherwise, I thought the next paragraph was still the eulogy/epitaph. With a break, I would not assume that Chiandra was the dead woman.
Posts: 88 | Registered: Apr 2006
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posted
While we're discussing the meaning of the word "chimera", the primary (and increasingly important, particularly in SF) meaning is a kind of monster produced by compositing several ordinary organisms. I think that you might want to find another term, if the story involves some varient of time travel (ah, poor Asahina-san!) rather than macro-genetic engineering. "Ephemera" might work, if your reference is what I imagine. I could make a better guess after reading the rest of the story, probably.
Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999
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posted
I liked the second version much better, it was much clearer. NO!, there should not be a scene break between the first and second paragraphs: it's still the same character, she's still talking about the same person. "give to a debt" is awkward: you give something to a person to repay a debt, the debt in itself doesn't really care about it at all. I'm hooked Send it over!
Ps: In biology a "chimera" is an organism which has cells with genes or chromosomes from two different beings ie: a person who has some cells that are XX and others that are XY
[This message has been edited by Sara Genge (edited June 08, 2006).]
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