posted
I was going to wait a few days before I threw this one to the wolves, but impatience is one of my many flaws. I present to you the first 13 lines of a novel I'm currently submitting left, right & centre to try and get published. It loosely fits into the oceanic fantasy genre, and the completed novel stands at approx 145,000 words.
I'm looking for feedback on whether or not this beginning grabs you, whether it makes you want to read more, and if not, how can I fix it?
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Humans are such ungainly creatures, said the Child of the Oceans, breaking the surface of the water as the girl ran towards the waves. She was no more than five years old, her legs still too short for subtlety of motion, her arms flailing to maintain her balance.
His companion rose for breath, slipping beneath the surface again in a sinuous arc. I do not understand, she said. They are awkward on land; they lack our swiftness through the waters. They are suited to no environment but their own sheltered homes, and yet here you remain, watching and waiting. What do you gain by such a merging of minds?
posted
I like the inner dialogue going on, but I would flip the first sentence to start with the queen popping out of the water and then her thoughts. It's jarring starting off with dialogue/internal monologue without knowing whose speaking/thinking.
I was also confused by the second sentence because of the pronouns. I didn't know until halfway through you were referring to the human girl and not the queen.
As far as the hook, I don't feel extremely compelled to read on. The reason being is that you focus on why the queen doesn't understand the humans instead of why she is observing/meeting with this one girl. That's the hook to me, why the queen's come up to the surface, not that she doesn't understand humans.
posted
I like the voice. It has a smooth quality, which fits well with someone commenting on how ungainly humans are.
I agree with Raisedbyswans that there's some confusion potential in the first paragraph. You might be trying to fit too much into the first sentence, which leads to confusion in the second. At first I thought that Child of the Oceans was female. I think Raisedbyswans did, too, or he wouldn't keep calling her "the queen".
If breaking up the first sentence would make it too choppy, breaking down the smooth quality, perhaps you can shave off the portion about the girl and then add another small detail or nuance to extend the flow of the first part.
I think there <i>is</i> a hook: the question of Child of the Ocean's companion. (It feels a little funny to talk about a hook when we're dealing with aquatic creatures. ) It's not a strong hook yet, though, and I'd want to get something more within the next few pages. Raisedbyswans points you in a solid direction, and if there's nothing particular about this girl then maybe you could consider making him look at something or someone that is more directly related to the crux of the book. At any rate, since this is a novel rather than a short story, I would definitely turn the page.
Can I assume that "saying" for these creatures is nonvocal, since their sentences are put in italics rather than quotation marks?
posted
I agree with all previous comments regarding the use of "she" in the first paragraph. I know you don't want to repeat "the girl", but you could use "the child" or even "the pup" to clarify who "she" is. (If these things are dolphin-like, or any other non-terrestrial body type, would they even say "girl"? Would they care about human gender?)
Your -ing words confuse the action. i.e. "His companion rose for breath, and then slipped beneath..." Using "slipping" makes it seem as if the companion breathes while she is slipping.
You toss in the "merging of the minds" comment a bit too nonchalantly. It seems this might be your hook--indeed, your entire plot--and should perhaps be given a little more mention.
The scene is dull, for lack of a nicer word, and seems on the verge of launching into "As You Know, Bob." (Forgive my rudeness if I'm wrong.) This kind of emotionless, "eavesdropping" opener has been overused, IMO. Simply constructing an alien POV is no longer fresh enough to hold an audience. You need action, an exciting/engaging character, and/or some compelling emotion. That said, there's not much here to criticize as far as the actual writing. The "author" isn't intruding, and there's no obvious, distracting attempts to stylize the fragment. Also in your favor is the fact that there's a huge audience, still, for sea adventures. I'd say you have a decent start, but it's not quite a homerun yet.
posted
Thanks for all opinions. You've given me some idea of where the areas of confusion lie, so I can tighten things up.
In case you're interested, the book deals primarily with the friendship/working relationship of the Child of the Oceans and the girl in question, so it is purposefully aimed that way.
Oliver; you're quite right about the italics
Novice; unfortunately I've gotten into a bad habit of tense-shifting. Cheers for catching that one for me. Oh, and I'd intended the 'merging of minds' as fairly nonchalant. I would hope that the next page would bring you further into the book, but if this excerpt doesn't hook, then I need to make some adjustments.
Thanks for the compliments, all!
Teph
Edit: Does this work any better to clear up the confusion, or does it lose too much flow?
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Humans are such ungainly creatures, said the Child of the Oceans. He broke the surface of the water as the girl ran towards the waves. She was no more than five years old, her legs still too short for subtlety of motion, her arms flailing to maintain her balance.
His companion rose for breath, then slipped beneath the surface again in a sinuous arc. I do not understand, she said. They are awkward on land; they lack our swiftness through the waters. They are suited to no environment but their own sheltered homes, and yet here you remain, watching and waiting. What do you gain by such a merging of minds?
[This message has been edited by Tephirax (edited July 04, 2006).]
posted
This is much better. I can't really say why I like it so much better, I just do. It's still a little dry (no pun intended), but you said novel, which means you get at least a whole chapter, with me, to set the hook.
(I think "towards" should be "toward." I'm from the South, I say "towards" and write "toward," and don't really know which is correct.)
posted
Quick answer (as per my OED), both. Apparently toward is simply a variant of towards, and they're both right.
Anyway, many thanks for the suggestions Good to know I'm on the right track.
Teph
P.S. If you're interested in reading the rest of the prologue which this is the beginning of, let me know where and I'll send it over. Again, any comments much appreciated.
[This message has been edited by Tephirax (edited July 04, 2006).]
posted
"The Queen" thing was totally my bad. I mixed "child of" with "queen of". I'll work on my quoting and reference skills for the next round. Sorry for creating confusion.
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posted
I have a problem with the plot: Humans Appear Clumsy to Highly-Evolved Alien Species, has been done too many times for my taste. The Vulcans already took it as far as it would go.
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posted
What Sara just said. Also, RaisedBySwans's idea: if you're interested in the relationship to the girl, start there, rather than with philosophical musings.
Also: what is Child of the Ocean? Whale? Dolphin? Orca? Kraken? I can't think of any reason not to tell us.
posted
Sara, wbriggs: Really? I'm interested in that reaction.
You gave these reactions even though you didn't get a plot, just the first 13 lines; and even though so many other stories have been done before, too, but the themes keep recurring and we keep loving them. (I just got an email from Aish.com about how the Superman story is a retelling of the story of Moses.)
I agree that if that _were_ the plot I'd get bored pretty quickly, but what I got out of this segment is a sensitivity of the Child to the child, and the puzzlement of the companion -- a tone, not a plot. And that sets me up for a relationship, or an as-yet-undiscovered conflict, or, well, a _story_.
Would you actually "have a problem" with it, write it off? Or would you just be skeptical of it? Would you actually stop reading if you were an editor?
posted
To clarify a little, the Child of the Oceans is dolphin-like, but there is no alien/extra-terrestrial element.
Oliver, you've picked up on what I wanted the segment to portray, spot on.
Sara, wbriggs, I would be interested for your opinions on how to improve it. If a significant percentage of readers don't connect with what I'm saying, there's something wrong with my writing.
posted
I think the simplist way to make the hook apparent is changeing this sentence: "What do you gain by such a merging of minds?" It sounds too macro. Combined with The Child's observations of the girl, the question sounds scientific and not personal. I feel changing the question to something like:
"What will I gain by merging minds with her?"
will set clear expectations for what the book is about and generate a definative hook.
I'll give the prologue a read it you're still looking for readers.
[This message has been edited by Raisedbyswans (edited July 05, 2006).]
posted
I guess that Sara and wbriggs touched on my plausibility point. It isn't that humans aren't ungainly, but that isn't what non-humans find...repellent about you.
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) It's not a strong hook yet, though, and I'd want to get something more within the next few pages. Raisedbyswans points you in a solid direction, and if there's nothing particular about this girl then maybe you could consider making him look at something or someone that is more directly related to the crux of the book. At any rate, since this is a novel rather than a short story, I would definitely turn the page.
