posted
Introduction to The Debra Ann Saga My name is Wa Agya “Kelly” IyIMeeMe, and as a young alien student, along with my classmates, I was about to explore the unique life of Debra Ann Smithson, a fictional character for psychological and psychiatric research by means of a series of holograms revealing Debbie's life and the choices Debbie makes in an attempt to avert the missteps Debbie made in regards to the lives of others who may be in a similar position in which Debbie finds herself throughout the hologram which will be broadcast over various television and computer networks on worlds such as Earth, including Earth itself. (Thank you very much for the feedback.)
[This message has been edited by KellySt (edited May 24, 2007).]
quote:My name is Wa Agya “Kelly” IyIMeeMe, and as a young alien student, along with my classmates, I was about to explore the unique life of Debra Ann Smithson, a fictional character for psychological and psychiatric research by I think you were approaching it here...
If you edit again, don't bother starting a new topic, edit this one to tell us a new edit is posted below. This keeps it all where we can refer to the changes it's gone through. Also, You may want to get a few opinions before you decide what to keep or change.
Incedentally, I think you should start with the second paragraph (the relevant information to the reader). The other information seems a summarized info-dump. It could be better spread into the story during the course.
posted
Introduction to The Debra Ann Saga My name is Wa Agya “Kelly” IyIMeeMe, and as a young alien student, along with my classmates, I was about to explore the unique life of Debra Ann Smithson, a fictional character for psychological and psychiatric research by means of a series of holograms revealing Debbie's life and the choices Debbie makes in an attempt to avert the missteps Debbie made in regards to the lives of others who may be in a similar position in which Debbie finds herself throughout the hologram which will be broadcast over various television and computer networks on worlds such as Earth, including Earth itself. (Thank you very much for the feedback.) [This message has been edited by KellySt (edited May 24, 2007).]
Do I have a hook now?
[This message has been edited by KellySt (edited May 24, 2007).]
posted
This is a much better start. The problem I have with it this whole paragraph his a single sentance. It needs breaking up. I got lost about half way through, thinking, where is there a break. Try it for example:
quote:My name is Wa Agya “Kelly” IyIMeeMe, and as a young alien student, along with my classmates, I was about to explore the unique life of Debra Ann Smithson,[. She is] a fictional character [that we shall study] for psychological and psychiatric research[. We shall do this] by means of a series of holograms revealing Debbie's life and the choices Debbie makes in an attempt to avert the missteps Debbie made in regards to the lives of others who may be in a similar position in which Debbie finds herself throughout the hologram[.] [which=delete. We will] [be= delete] broadcast [this] over various television and computer networks on worlds such as Earth, including Earth itself.
Yes, this has a much better hook. Of course, you can break it up any way you like, this is only a suggestion.
1) Why would a first person narrative think of herself as an alien? Wouldn't she think of those not like her as the aliens?
2) Why do I care that she's about to explore the life of a hologram? i.e. you haven't hooked me.
3) Why is she telling this story? Who is her audience? i.e. Why a first person POV? (BTW - I miss Survivor who usually asked this question).
4) NIT - The POV's name kills me. I gloss right over it as sci fi/ fantasy garbage - not a good thing for a first person POV tale. But, take that with a big grain, It could just be me.
5) The huge 13 line first sentance kills me. This is probably not just me. Break it up. Adjust the sentance structure for better flow. An ADD kid who has skipped his medicine and has eaten a 5 lb bag of sugar might talk like this but probably not a well educated student.
If you know the POV's target audience and motivation for telling THIS story (rather than your motivation), you can adjust the language for it. If she's lecturing the class Darklight's suggested breaks work well. Although since she describes herself as a student, I doubt she's teaching. If she's an info dump (and she sounds like it) and we are about to pick up on Debra's life and POV you might just cut Wa's paragraph.
posted
First, to answer Corky's Q: Wa isn't a human. He is a member of a nonhuman race of beings who call themselves the N'Daya race who live on a planet called Acca. The N'Daya are a race of bald-headed, 7-foot tall humanoid beings with smooth, pure black skin, an emaciated-looking physical appearance and they lack the kind of ear-flaps that humans possess. Their ears are simply a hole in the sides of their heads and the iris of their eyes can change color. Now to answer King's Falcon's Q: 1)Wa is in a class made up of 16 other N'Daya students at school watching a hologram that he created and the person leading the class is a N'Daya instructor who comments on how Debbie acts and thinks. 2)Wa and his classmates are completing their Rites of Passage, a N'Daya tradition, that marks their transition from childhood to maturity. 3)This hologram (story) is intended to assist parents, teachers, psychologists and psychiatrists who may come in contact with a person who is similar or the same as Debra Smithson so these people won't end up as Debbie ended up at the conclusion of the hologram series (there are about 20 or 30 in the series I think, I didn't count them.) that I hope to publish as separate books (hopefully, with photographs inserted)Ok, I'll break this long sentence up. Thanks for pointing this out, as I'd never noticed this. 5)Do you mean the entire first part of the story, or just the 13 lines? Thank you all for the feedback. I really appreciate it.Now I'm going to do as Darklight suggested. Thanks, Darklight!
[This message has been edited by KellySt (edited May 24, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by KellySt (edited May 24, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by KellySt (edited May 24, 2007).]
posted
My name is Wa Agya “Kelly” IyIMeeMe, and I'm a young male N'Daya student who is a native of the world Acca. Along with my fellow N'Daya classmates, I was about to explore the unique life of Debra Ann Smithson with Dr. B'Yule Whall, our N'Daya instructor. Debra Ann is a fictional character that my classmates and I are studying to complete our Rites of Passage, a N'Daya tradition marking our transition from childhood to maturity. Not only this, but the hologram will also be of value in psychological and psychiatric research for mental health professionals. My hologram is broken up into various age segments detailing Debbie's life and the choices Debbie makes which our instructor comments on at key points in Debbie's life in an attempt to avert the missteps Debbie made in regards to
(My next edit. How is this?)
[This message has been edited by KellySt (edited May 24, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited May 24, 2007).]
posted
What you have is an info dump and not a hook.
A few other wasys to think about IB's question are:
What's the conflict?
Why is Wa telling this story ?
quote: 3)This hologram (story) is intended to assist parents, teachers, psychologists and psychiatrists who may come in contact with a person who is similar or the same as Debra Smithson so these people won't end up as Debbie ended up at the conclusion of the hologram series (there are about 20 or 30 in the series I think, I didn't count them.) that I hope to publish as separate books (hopefully, with photographs inserted)
If that's true you might be better as nonfiction. If the reason Wa is watching the hologram is because he wants to learn the above, why? How does this hologram presentation tie into the main conflict of the story. If the main conflict is Debra's choices, mental illness, whatever, Wa is probably not the right person to tell the story.
As a result, your first person POV choice might be hurting your ability to tell the story.
You might want to cut the info dump you now have: I am X, doing Y and just skip to the next paragraph.
posted
Another POV on the hook - where's the action? That often can be the hook. The info can be delivered later, in bits and pieces, as necessary. If you want to see an example of how to do this, many of the Harry Potter books (2 and 3 in particular) have some element of info dump, but the info is dumped slowly throughout the first few pages, as a way to catch up readers on who HP is, where he lives, what makes him unique.
Your revised last sentence is still a run-on. It just keeps going and going like that bunny. "My hologram is broken up into various age segments detailing Debbie's life and the choices Debbie makes which our instructor comments on at key points in Debbie's life in an attempt to avert the missteps Debbie made in regards to"
It also repeats the phrase "debbie's life" which made me have to think twice.
posted
I think that you need to answer some questions concerning scope and subject matter. Who is the Alien speaking to, the reader, obviously, but there needs to be a reason. Is he recording this for humans of the future to discover? Is he just relating his story? The reason this is important is because he is addressing the reader and telling them he is an alien, which he would not do if he was writing this for his fellow aliens. There are other ways to show he is an alien without directly telling the audience if you do not want him to be speaking to humans in the story.
Also, the basis for your story, at first shocking to me because of it’s complexity, has captured a small amount of my imagination, but you have a LOT of work to do before making this a compelling reason for me to keep reading. First, the aliens using a particular story or group of stories for there right of passage is a very interesting idea, but perhaps hard for a writer to make exciting. Second, basing the idea on stories you’ve written is interesting, but could be troublesome. I have not read your stories, and don’t know what there about, except for what you tell me in this story… so that could make the writing of this story pretty darn complex, (or perhaps boring.) And from the name of the character, Debra Ann Smithson, I would hazard a guess that she is human, but because the main character’s nick name is “Kelly” (which is a question too, do all aliens get human sounding nicknames? Or is Kelly part of her name?) then I am unsure if it is a great human or alien life which I am reading about. And of course, if the aliens know that her stories are fictional, then you’ll have to really work hard. Why is their culture embracing this story? How does it effect them. Also, you do need action as previously mentioned, as it would be difficult to write a story about a right of passage that was based on researching a fictional series of holos.
These are only a few suggestions to get you thinking.
Is this going to be a novel? If so, then you’ll have a lot more room to maneuver, but what I am worried about is that this amount of work may end up really frustrating you. I would hate to have anything I say discourage you, and I write these suggestions only as thoughts that you may use to round out the story (or pare down the story, whichever is needed) so that it is easier to tell us, the reader, what you have to say.
[This message has been edited by jonner (edited May 26, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by jonner (edited May 26, 2007).]
posted
I see that some of the questions i had in the last post were answered in your previous thread, but i think that the other questions are still pertinent.
Posts: 7 | Registered: May 2007
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posted
you could refer to him (he could refer to himself) as an alien exchange student, as a visiting student from another planet, etc. also I think debbie is a character CREATED for study would work, it reads like you are short a descriptor or two. And is the single sentence thing a peculiarty of the alien grammer of the race of which he speaks? smile deb
[This message has been edited by debhoag (edited May 26, 2007).]
posted
What if I stayed with my "Intro. to Debra Ann Saga" the way I now have it posted on this site, or stayed with my original piece, and introduced "Wa Agya IyIMeeMe" and everything that pertains to Wa as pieces of humor that I injected into the story? I could start off with "I'm Wa...a N'Daya boy..." [as a humorous quote,] as I ordered a book titled, "How to write funny" from Barnes and Noble last week, and have to wait until June 1st to pick it up (assuming it's in-store). Would this be a better hook? Please reply, and thanks for all of your feedback, guys!
P.S. Debbie is, indeed, a character that Wa created for study. Also, while The Debra Ann Saga is quite long (could be a super-thick novel), I plan on breaking this saga into various ages and staqes in Debbie's life which I hope to publish as separate books i.e., first book: "Debbie's Infancy and early childhood;" second book: "Debbie's early school years;" third book: "Debbie's fantasies;" etc.
[This message has been edited by KellySt (edited May 26, 2007).]
posted
I've looked at some of the lessons in Uncle Orson's writing class, and I think I'm beginning to understand the points that all you guys who've read my post were trying to get across. Right now I'm thinking of the point Jonner made: my story suffers from too many unblievable events, and what I think Jonner was trying to tell me is I don't have any "issues" in my story that people can relate to. Just about the only unresolved issues I think I might be able to introduce is Wa's (and his classmates') spiritual growth process, how Wa feels after reviewing a portion of Debbie's life, and any conflicts that Wa may be having with being curious about learning the truth about Debbie's life vs. being afraid to watch the video, and maybe this could apply to all of Wa's peers in Dr. Whall's class. Could you please tell me what you think? Thank you.
Posts: 15 | Registered: May 2007
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posted
It sounds as though it could be quite interesting depending on how you write it. Though it has the potential to be a bit Mork and Mindy (are you old enough to remember that?) but perhaps the way to go would be more on the lines of "Being John Malkovich". Good luck it is very hard work to kick ideas into shape. lianne
Posts: 31 | Registered: May 2007
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quote: Debbie is, indeed, a character that Wa created for study. Also, while The Debra Ann Saga is quite long (could be a super-thick novel), I plan on breaking this saga into various ages and staqes in Debbie's life which I hope to publish as separate books i.e., first book: "Debbie's Infancy and early childhood;" second book: "Debbie's early school years;" third book: "Debbie's fantasies;" etc.
You have a great idea but the execution is killing you because, it doesn't seem like you've fleshed the idea out enough. OSC says that his best stories are a mix of 3-5 ideas coming together and conflicting. You might need to restructure your concept.
Is Wa your MC or is Debbie? I'm assuming it's Wa for the rest of the post.
What conflict does Wa face that the creation of Debbie's hologram history help him work through?
Are Evil Robot Monkeys trying to take over the world? Is he the heir to his people trying to understand an enemy race (humans)? What is going on that is larger than just the review of these holograms?
Spiritual growth is a great plot line but something has to drive it. Why is Wa going through spiritual growth now? The answer can not be: "because if he doesn't I don't have a story."
Does his race feel that humans are souless but Wa learns something different from Debbie's ordeal? Does Wa fall in love with the holographic representation and seek out the real woman?
What drives his self journey?
No, you don't need to answer these questions on the forum but you need to know the answers to write the story.
The problem you might be having is this could come off like Psych 101, which really didn't thrill most of the people in the class.
You need an issue/ conflict to make a reader care enought to pick up the story. Why should I invest 3 hours with your book when the new Pirates movie is out?
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