posted
Something I've been working on this morning. Nothing like a little Science Fiction to start your day. For the time being I'm looking for a critique of this first 13 - readers in a little bit once I've had a chance to polish it myself a little.
*****
Jovian Roy watched as the aft hatch slowly slid open before him. There was a warm rush of air as the two atmospheres mixed, and for the first time in seven years he inhaled a living, breathing atmosphere; the warm humidity of it, the sweet freshness that came with vegetation and life in full bloom. He stepped out onto the gangway and walked to the end of it, careful not to step onto the planet itself. A ring of individuals stood a few meters away, arranged in a semicircle, their amethyst skin glistening as they stood there. Their large bulbous eyes never moved from Jovian’s face as he strode towards them.
When he reached the end of the gangway, Jovian paused for a moment before bowing formally, his back rigid as he bent at the hip.
posted
This is a serviceable opening but it does not hook me.
I don't know enough about Jovian to care about him and the fact he's been at space for many years is an common trope in SF and Aliens are such an overused trope in SF that simply having them makes me say Okay so what?
For me to read on, I need specific conflict(s) earlier. Jovian knows why he's on this planet, even if its only by accident, but the reader is completely clueless.
quote:Jovian Roy watched as the aft hatch slowly slid open before him. There was a warm rush of air as the two atmospheres mixed, and for the first time in seven years he inhaled a living, breathing atmosphere; the warm humidity of it, the sweet freshness that came with vegetation and life in full bloom. He stepped out onto the gangway and walked to the end of it, careful not to step onto the planet itself. A ring of individuals stood a few meters away, arranged in a semicircle,You say ring, then semi-circle, you need to choose which one their amethyst skin glistening as they stood there. Their large bulbous eyes never moved from Jovian’s face as he strode towards them.
When he reached the end of the gangway,he is already at the end of the gangway Jovian paused for a moment before bowing formally, his back rigid as he bent at the hip.
Apart from a few words I don't think you need, in italics, and the couple of inconsistances, this is a nice piece of writing, I would read more.
quote: [Jovian<--First name, or Citizenship?] Roy watched as the aft hatch [slowly<--adverb] slid open before him. There was a warm rush of air as the two atmospheres mixed, and for the first time in seven years he inhaled a living, [breathing<--Huh?] [atmosphere<--twice in the same sentence. What makes the atmospheres different?]; the [warm humidity<--A little redundant.] of it, the sweet freshness that came with vegetation and [life in full bloom<--Wouldn't the vegetation be in full bloom? Is all life vegetation or flowers?]. He stepped out onto the gangway and walked to the end of it, careful not to step onto the planet[What planet?] itself[Why?]. A ring of individuals [stood<--First time in sentence] a few meters away, arranged in a semicircle, their amethyst skin glistening as they [stood<--Second time in sentence] there. Their large bulbous eyes never moved from Jovian’s face[,] as he strode towards them.
When he reached the end of the gangway, Jovian paused for a moment before bowing formally, his back [was]rigid as he bent at the hip.
What does the "planet's" surface look like?
How can Jovian Roy breathe other types of atmospheres (or mixed)?
Why is he meeting these aliens? Bowing to them? On their planet to begin with?
What is the impending conflict?
What is Jovian feeling?
I like the voice of the story. Once the redundancies and exposition is cleaned up,and I can see the pace clearer, I'm sure it will move smooth. I'd like to know more, both in the opening and as a reader.
Thank you for the kind words and the critiques, but currently (just a few hours in) this whole piece is a dead fish lying on my desk. God, it was so damn'd alive last night when I thought of it, and this morning when I started! I'm just over a thousand in right now, but IB has, as per usual, seen through my shallow smokescreens and aimed right for the heart of the matter.
What is the impending conflict?
Well, these aliens are friendly, diplomatic, technologically advanced, and have absolutely no mythology, religion, or sense of history. Everything is tagged, catalogued, indexed by genus and species or chemical composition. The stars are numbered. That's where the name comes from - the mission Jovian is on is essentially a cultural exchange with these aliens, and he makes a bit of a name for himself by telling these aliens the names of the stars he can still recognize - parallax has thrown things off a bit, but over the past seven years he made it his hobby to track them so he would have some familiar sights on the alien world.
And... that's it. There's no war. No cultural revolution. I'm having no epiphanies about the story, mostly because as it currently stands in my head, there is no real conflict. Just the story of a guy who tells aliens the names of stars and what they mean. So, this smelly things heads back to the shelf.
Thank you very much for your assistance and comments. I've learned something I already know and have said to people before - finish your story before you submit it for critique!!!
posted
I enjoyed the opening of the story, so I'm going to critique InarticulateBabbler. Ha! Have at you. I.B.'s comments in [square brackets]. My comments in CAPITAL LETTERS:
"[Jovian<--First name, or Citizenship? WE DON'T NEED TO KNOW AT THIS TIME. THINK "Shanghi Lil".] Roy watched as the aft hatch [slowly<--adverb BUT A GOOD ADVERB] slid open before him. There was a warm rush of air as the two atmospheres mixed, and for the first time in seven years he inhaled a living, [breathing<--Huh? WORKS FOR ME] [atmosphere<--twice in the same sentence. I AGREE, I'D GO WITH "inhaled living, breathing, air" What makes the atmospheres different? HE OPENED THE HATCH]; the [warm humidity<--A little redundant. NO, "warm" IS TEMPERATURE, "humidity" IS WATER VAPOR] of it, the sweet freshness that came with vegetation and [life in full bloom<--Wouldn't the vegetation be in full bloom? Is all life vegetation or flowers? HAVE YOU NEVER SEEN A YOUNG WOMAN IN FULL BLOOM? DON'T BE SO LITERAL]. He stepped out onto the gangway and walked to the end of it, careful not to step [[SINCE I.B. DIDN'T CATCH THIS, I'LL POINT OUT THE "stepped" "step" REPETITION]] onto the planet[What planet? YOU DON'T NEED TO KNOW THAT YET] itself[Why? YOU DON'T NEED TO KNOW THAT YET, EITHER. SET THE SCENE FIRST, THEN PROVIDE INFORMATION AS NEEDED.]. A ring of individuals [stood<--First time in sentence] a few meters away, arranged in a semicircle, their amethyst skin glistening as they [stood<--Second time in sentence GOOD POINT] there. Their large bulbous eyes never moved from Jovian’s face[, NO!] as he strode towards them. When he reached the end of the gangway, Jovian paused for a moment before bowing formally, his back [was NO!]rigid as he bent at the hip."
posted
There's a substantial potential for conflict if you have a philosophical bent.
Imagine the world that depends exclusively on classification to identify species, stars, "people". Then imagine the concept of "name" being introduced to them through a foreign power: not classification, but association, relation, whim used as identifiers for all of the things that they thought they knew so well. What kind of cultural shake-up could that cause? Could the insertion of such irrationality into the legalistic mechanisms of identification actually bring down such a culture?
That's the difference. All potential must be shown to the reader, the reader is not to make assumptions because the reader is not a unitary self but rather a congregation.
I personally believe that if I as reader have to believethere might be (as opposed to knowing there is) something better coming, then the author has failed the reader.
[This message has been edited by Matt Lust (edited August 11, 2007).]
posted
Rick Norwood, regardless of what YOU think, I have every right to MY opinion. We (the community) have had this discussion before. You don't have to agree, but my opinion is not wrong, it's my opinion. What I get out of a read, and what you do, can be to different things. That is the value of a critique: seeing what a particular reader feels from it.
But, as you felt free to critique MY critique, I felt free to turn it back around.
quote: "[Jovian<--First name, or Citizenship? WE DON'T NEED TO KNOW AT THIS TIME. THINK "Shanghi Lil".Speak for yourself.] Roy watched as the aft hatch [slowly<--adverb BUT A GOOD ADVERB<--I didn't say whether it was "good" or "bad" I alerted him to it.] slid open before him. There was a warm rush of air as the two atmospheres mixed, and for the first time in seven years he inhaled a living, [breathing<--Huh? WORKS FOR ME<--Didn't for me. How does an "atmosphere" breathe??] [atmosphere<--twice in the same sentence. I AGREE, I'D GO WITH "inhaled living, breathing, air"<--[Again, I wasn't making a suggestion, I was alerting him.] [What makes the atmospheres different? HE OPENED THE HATCH<--Duh. What -- because you need this question explained -- is different about the atmosphere outside?]; the [warm humidity<--A little redundant. NO, "warm" IS TEMPERATURE, "humidity" IS WATER VAPOR<--Do you often hear of it being "COLD and HUMID"? Maybe I should have said "cliche'".] of it, the sweet freshness that came with vegetation and [life in full bloom<--Wouldn't the vegetation be in full bloom? Is all life vegetation or flowers? HAVE YOU NEVER SEEN A YOUNG WOMAN IN FULL BLOOM? DON'T BE SO LITERAL<--What? I didn't read anything about a young woman. And, This is completely a "literal" thing. I'm learning about a new world. Why wouldn't I take his descriptions literal?]. He stepped out onto the gangway and walked to the end of it, careful not to step [[SINCE I.B. DIDN'T CATCH THIS, I'LL POINT OUT THE "stepped" "step" REPETITION]<--I've got to leave SOMETHING for you. ] onto the planet[What planet? YOU DON'T NEED TO KNOW THAT YET<--Speak for yourself.] itself[Why? YOU DON'T NEED TO KNOW THAT YET, EITHER. SET THE SCENE FIRST, THEN PROVIDE INFORMATION AS NEEDED.<--Again, speak for yourself. That's the only thing in this 13 that sounds like it could be remotely dangerous (or a reason for conflict)]. A ring of individuals [stood<--First time in sentence] a few meters away, arranged in a semicircle, their amethyst skin glistening as they [stood<--Second time in sentence GOOD POINT<--Glad something I've said meets with you're approval. I was beginning to worry. Really I was.] there. Their large bulbous eyes never moved from Jovian’s face[, NO!] as he strode towards them. When he reached the end of the gangway, Jovian paused for a moment before bowing formally, his back [was NO!<--obviously, we have many opposing opinions.]rigid as he bent at the hip."
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited August 11, 2007).]
posted
Is there any real value in commenting on other critics, here? That just might lead to a self-defeating critique war. How long before we have to pass a standards test before we can offer critiques? Which critiquing standards am I supposed to adhere to before I can post?
I agree it needs conflict. If these aliens and humans see things so differently, what other conflicts might it lead to? What if it becomes important for humans to have an alliance with these aliens, but they start thinking humans are primitive name-givers? They could have resources we need. They could be militarily and scientifically superior, able to crush us like insects. Sure, it lacks conflict now, but I don't think it would be hard to develop some conflict.
So, I agree with Oliverhouse, there is potential for conflict to be added to the story. (I'm not talking about what the reader perceives in the first 13. I mean the story could be developed into something usable, if the author chose to do so.)
posted
Critique war aside, I want to thank everyone again for the comments. I've been going over possible additions to the story that could add conflict - well, pretty much since the 500 word mark, where I started to lose steam.
The problem is that I can't add anything so grand and sweeping as societal change or interplanetary politics without ending up somewhere north of 10,000 words, and my goal for this story was somewhere in the realm of submission to IGMS. I'm starting to think that I should just tell the story for the story's sake, and if there is no real conflict and it resolves into a study of two different societies, then so be it.
Thank you all for the comments and support... especially our local Siskel and Ebert, Rick and IB. The various points of view are all appreciated.
Jayson Merryfield
As a final note - IB, my deepest sympathies and prayers go out to you and your family.
posted
Jeez, you guys, chill out! This is not acceptable to me that two people I enjoy conversing with so much are NOT HAVING FUN TOGETHER! And I think you should also watch out because you are both starting to sound like another pest-who-will-be-nameless that only seems to post in order to insult other people. Now go home, have some ice cream, and lighten up. Please!
Posts: 1304 | Registered: May 2007
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posted
Now, to return to the subject at hand. Ehem. Wolfe_boy, I think this could be a rockin' conflict between a society that has so ordered every bit of its existence that it is in danger of dying from lack of spark. And Jovian represents chaos, freedom, irrational wonder. The air smells great, but do they notice any more? Will they decide he is crazy because he prefers their living planet to his controlled environment ship? Sort of Nivenish, sort of old school Star Trek. It would appeal to the sense that we (some of us - okay, me) get about our own society. That we soon will be so protected, legislated and controlled, that you won't be able to walk down the sidewalk anymore without someone being sure they have the right to tell you how to do it. It's got possibilities Posts: 1304 | Registered: May 2007
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posted
Who's not having a little fun? I made most my "return" comments in the spirit of good humor. I got the seriousness out of the way in three lines. I thought the tone of the counter-counter critique was light-hearted. Apparently, I need to work on that.
I hope Rick Norwood reads it in that tone. I didn't take the counter-critique as serious as it looks, but I did want to clarify the point of that being touchy (and generally not accepted). I may just have to get shy again to stop offending people with bold.
quote: As a final note - IB, my deepest sympathies and prayers go out to you and your family.
Thank you. However, I -- in no way -- want that to be a subject which hijacks any threads.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited August 11, 2007).]
posted
Don't worry, Debhog. IB and I are both just having fun. There is a serious point behind the fun, though, which is that one man's meat is another man's poison.
Or, as the half-Celtic Frenchman put it as he dunked a fish in his drink, one man's mead is another man's poisson.
[This message has been edited by Rick Norwood (edited August 12, 2007).]
posted
Sorry about that. Wolfie, I liked the opening, and would be happy to read the story when it's finished.
Posts: 557 | Registered: Jun 2007
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posted
Oh,! thank you, guys, You have restored my faith in the power of the thread (do I sound like anne McCaffery?) but now I think i need to get my humor meter checked out. Posts: 1304 | Registered: May 2007
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posted
I liked the opening - gorgeous imagery and a nice flow. I also don't think you need to abandon this one just because you're stuck now. The situation you've set up reminds me a little of Left Hand of Darkness. The conflict there was concept of gender (they didn't have any, the main character did), but you could work on something similar - concept of fun/wonder/ownership/mythology v. no concept of same. You might even try writing it from your aliens' perspectives and see if that helps you.
Anyway, let it sit for a while and then pick it up again and see how you feel.
Printer-friendly view of this topic
] onto the planet[What planet? YOU DON'T NEED TO KNOW THAT YET<--Speak for yourself.] itself[Why? YOU DON'T NEED TO KNOW THAT YET, EITHER. SET THE SCENE FIRST, THEN PROVIDE INFORMATION AS NEEDED.<--Again, speak for yourself. That's the only thing in this 13 that sounds like it could be remotely dangerous (or a reason for conflict)]. A ring of individuals [stood<--First time in sentence] a few meters away, arranged in a semicircle, their amethyst skin glistening as they [stood<--Second time in sentence GOOD POINT<--Glad something I've said meets with you're approval. I was beginning to worry. Really I was.] there. Their large bulbous eyes never moved from Jovian’s face[, NO!] as he strode towards them.
