posted
This is a short story I've been working on. I'm not too sure how long it will wind up. I hope to have it finished soon and would like to have readers.
Nocturne stood atop the remains of a small building amidst the ruins of a city destroyed years ago. He stared into the evening sky and waited for the magatama to fall. His eyes could not perceive it as it passed overhead, but its radiating power let him follow its decent into the human lands. The alien substance called to him as it called to all demons. Visions of power filled his mind, but he ignored them. The indistinguishable bones of humans and demons that littered the city reminded him of the destruction the magatama brought to the world. “I will reach you first, and destroy you,” Nocturne answered the call defiantly as he jumped headfirst into the shadows cast by the ruined city.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited October 05, 2007).]
quote: Nocturne stood atop the remains of a small building amidst the ruins of a city destroyed years ago.(1) He stared into the evening sky and waited for the magatama to fall. His eyes could not perceive it as it passed overhead, but its radiating power let him follow its decent into the human lands.(2) The alien substance called to him as it called to all demons. Visions of power filled his mind, but he ignored them. The indistinguishable bones of humans and demons that littered the city reminded him of the destruction the magatama brought to the world. “I will reach you first, and destroy you,” Nocturne answered the call defiantly as he jumped headfirst into the shadows cast by the ruined city. (3) He passed through the darkness and found himself floating in a vast sphere.
Comments: 1. Remains, ruins, destroyed - you emphasize the overall rubble three times, but this starting sentence lacks emphasis, or punch. I think you can re-word it and keep the same meaning but create a sharper image.
2. I don't know what a magatama is at this point, but why is he bothering to look if he can't physically see it? This sets me up to want to see what he sees. Since he's seeing nothing, I might like to have described a sensation of this "power" instead.
3. This is a looong dialogue tag. The "shadows cast by the ruined city" sits weird with me, too...maybe I want to read 'buildings' instead of city, or have a better image of the lighting earlier so I know there's shadowing going on - I was mentally envisioning a full night scene, and this jarred me.
To be honest, this didn't grab me. I sense it's building toward a big conflict, but in these lines alone I don't know who Nocturne is other than he's a demon, and he's after something bad called a magatama. So?
It leaves me feeling ambivalent. If it's a short story, it might benefit from less of a far-scope cinematic feel and more immediate emotional pull and meaning offered to the reader. The situation has potential to be interesting, but not in this presentation.
posted
Nice idea but the writing is a bit jumbled:
quote:Nocturne stood atop the remains of a small building amidst the ruins of a city destroyed years ago.
"Remains" "Ruins" and "destroyed" are a bit redundant. This isn't the strongest first sentence.
quote:Nocturne stood atop the ruins of the city.
Short and sweet.
quote:He stared into the evening sky and waited for the magatama to fall.
Nice. "Magatama" is your hook.
quote:His eyes could not perceive it as it passed overhead, but its radiating power let him follow its decent into the human lands.
A bit twisted. How about: "He could not see it, passing overhead, but he could feel the power, falling down into the human lands." Just an example. Notice how I considerably shortened the first part of the sentence and took the emphasis away from this guy's eyes and put it on him. "Radiating power" isn't bad, but it tends to focus the attention on "radiating" when it's really the power that he's tracking.
posted
Thank you both for your comments. They brought a lot a glaring flaws to my attention that I really hadn't noticed. I've revised it a bit and hope this is better and easier to understand. I'm still not sure how to address a few of the comments, such as the lighting. I thought evening summed it up ok unless I have a slightly different definition of evening. That and I'm sure there are always shadows unless its a moonless night or something. As for him looking at the sky, I was trying to bring substance to the call of the magatama. Like if I heard the ice cream truck but couldn't see it, I would still look in the direction I heard it. Hope that makes sense. I want to make this story something worth reading and hope this version works better.
Nocturne stood amidst the ruins of the city. He stared into the evening sky and waited for the magatama to fall. It was too small to see as it passed overhead, but he felt its power descend into the human lands. The alien substance called to him as it called to all demons. Visions of power filled his mind, but he ignored them. The indistinguishable bones of humans and demons that littered the city reminded him of the destruction the magatama brought to the world. “I will reach you first, and destroy you,” Nocturne answered the magatama’s call defiantly. He walked into the shadow cast by a fallen building. The darkness beneath him flowed over his body and pulled him down into the shadows.
posted
Nice revision. I wasn't hooked by the first version, but I definitely am by this one. Feel free to send it to me when you are ready for readers.
A couple of comments: -why does he ignore the call? I'm guessing it has to do with the visions of the human bones, but the connection wasn't clear. -I have trouble with this line: "“I will reach you first, and destroy you,” Nocturne answered the magatama’s call defiantly." The latter half is too long. "Nocturne said" would be plenty sufficient; I understod that he was defiant without it. If you want to keep that he answers the call, you could say "Nocturne answered the magatama's call. 'I will reach you first, and destroy you.'"
posted
I agree that this version is much better. You kept the appealing feel of the moment, but it reads much more nicely now. Good job.
Posts: 201 | Registered: May 2007
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1) "I will reach you first, and destroy you." I don't understand this. Nothing said the magatama is trying to reach and/or kill Nocturne. It confuses me.
2) You have already been told about the unnecessary extensive tag.
3) What does Nocturne feel (inside)? This a really cold PoV and needs to warm up and draw me into his mind.
4) I don't see the perceived conflict--except to say the protagonist is recalcitrant. That's not enough.
As a short story, this has only so long to grab me.
The voice is good. The images are dark and engrossing. All it lacks is the promise that you make in the beginning and fulfill at the end.
Hope this helps.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited October 06, 2007).]
posted
Thanks you all for the comments. I'll try to address a couple issues. I am recovering from a 8pm to 5am shift, so a revision will have to wait till later today.
BoredCrow The call brings the visions of power to his mind, but the bones around the city are actually there. Perhaps I could give a glimpse of the vision to separate it from his reality. I'll try to address this issue and fix the tag.
Marzo I'm glad you agree with the revision. I would like to thank you and Sara Genge for helping me fix the initial problems.
InarticulateBabbler I was hoping the call being sent to all demons and the destroyed city were enough to convey that demons meet where it falls. Thus he wants to reach it before other demons to prevent similar destruction. As for his feelings, I attempted to convey his feelings by having him deny this call because of the dead humans and demons. At this point it might not be apparent if he cares for the demons, the humans, or both. The conflict, as stated earlier, is reaching the magatama before other demons. I will attempt to address your issues with the 13. Oh, and thank you for helping me learn a new word. I had to look up recalcitrant. I may have to use it someday.
posted
I didn't ask those questions to have you answer me here, I asked them to let you know what you didn't clearly achieve, this is true of all the questions that the critiques pose. We don't need you to tell us, the reader needs the story to tell them.
I had no idea that the magatama was calling demons to converge on its landing place. Nothing in the text told me that.
Denying the call doesn't show me how he feels. It tells me that he is recalcitrant (your welcome for the word).
Form this thirteen, I have no idea that there is a race to get to the magatama or why.
You may want to read it to yourself, outloud (which often helps your mind with what IS there, not what your thinking is). We can't read your mind. The incredible story that you're fueled to tell cannot get across to the reader if it's hinted at--nor can your character's personality come through--unless you show us the story from his view (feelings and all). You must choose your words carefully to deliver the beast that's in your mind.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited October 07, 2007).]
posted
InarticulateBabbler Everything I said is well within the thirteen. I didn't use any scenes or imagery not contained therein, but I certainly have more insight into my story than my readers. If the story cannot be followed then I definitely need to revise it. I'm not sure how he is being recalcitrant (I really do like this word) as I certainly don't believe the text mentions anything about authority. I may have an incomplete definition though. I do thank you for your time and help.
Everyone I'd like to know the chances of you reading on after the first thirteen, and if the story can be followed to this point. And if you answer no to one of these any suggestions would be welcome. I will try to make the story easier to grasp in my next edit. I'll hopefully post that later today. Thank you all for taking the time to help me.
[This message has been edited by Kurim21 (edited October 07, 2007).]
posted
I was hooked enough by the re-write that I probably would have read on a bit if the rest of the story was attached, but I wanted to say that I also had no idea that the magatama was calling all the demons to converge on its landing place.
Posts: 357 | Registered: Feb 2007
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posted
This revision has a very minor adjustment. I want to convey that the city was once a battleground in a similar occurrence when demons converged to battle over magatama and that Nocturne wants to beat the other demons there to prevent such destruction again. Does the dialogue make sense?
Nocturne stood amidst the ruins of the city. He stared into the evening sky and waited for the magatama to fall. It was too small to see as it passed overhead, but he felt its power descend into the human lands. The alien substance called to him as it called to all demons. It filled his mind with visions of power, but he ignored them. The indistinguishable bones of humans and demons that littered the city reminded him of the destruction brought to the world when demons met in battle to claim the magatama. “I will reach you first, and destroy you,” Nocturne answered the call defiantly. He walked into the shadow cast by a fallen building. The darkness beneath him began to flow over his body
[This message has been edited by Kurim21 (edited October 07, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by Kurim21 (edited October 07, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by Kurim21 (edited October 07, 2007).]
posted
I think that most of what you want to get across is in your first thirteen, but sometimes, when I go over and over and over something I'm writing, I get so familiar with it, I don't realize the diff between what's on the paper and what's in my head. Here's where I think readers are getting off track from what you intend them to understand:
Nocturne stood amidst the ruins of the city. He stared into the evening sky and waited for the (add alien here, on first mention?) magatama to fall. It was too small to see as it passed overhead, but he felt its power (radiating down onto the human) descend into the human lands. The alien substance called to him as it called to all demons. It filled his mind with visions of power, but he ignored them. The indistinguishable bones of humans and demons that littered the city reminded him of the destruction brought to the world (the last time instead of 'when'? when demons met in battle to claim the magatama. “I will reach you first, and destroy you,” Nocturne answered the call defiantly. He walked into the shadow cast by a fallen building. The darkness beneath him began to flow over his body
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