Charlie was running as fast as he could. Which he thought was pretty fast. Dodging between trees and other obstacles at nearly one-hundred-and-fifty miles per hour wasn’t as easy as comics made it seem. Especially when you had two Government Runners after you.
I didn’t really do nothin’ wrong, thought Charlie. They’re the ones tryin’ to take Granpaw’s property to build some stinkin’ ‘Genetic Enhancement Research Facility’. So what if me an’ my brothers got our power mods from ‘em. We served our time in their supped-up Army, an’ we was ‘sposed to be left alone afterwards.
Quickly ducking under a branch and leaping over a log, Charlie tried to find some way to throw off the Runners behind him.

And apparently I didn't format it right. So if this is too much or not enough, let me know.
[This message has been edited by MasterTrek (edited December 07, 2007).]

[This message has been edited by MasterTrek (edited December 07, 2007).]

By the way, this should end after "He knew the forests of Geoigia better than anyone." 13 lines will fit in the text entry area exactly, without needing to scroll to see more of it. Just an FYI...

quote:

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Charlie was running as fast as he could. Which he thought was pretty fast.(1) Dodging between trees and other obstacles at nearly one-hundred-and-fifty miles per hour wasn’t as easy as comics made it seem. Especially when (2) you had two Government Runners after you.
I didn’t really do nothin’ (3) wrong, thought Charlie. They’re the ones tryin’ to take Granpaw’s property to build some stinkin’ ‘Genetic Enhancement Research Facility’. So what if me an’ my brothers got our power mods from ‘em. We served our time in their supped-up Army, an’ we was ‘sposed to be left alone afterwards.
Quickly (4) ducking under a branch and leaping over a log, Charlie tried to find some way to throw off the Runners behind him. Fortunately, he knew the Georgia forests better then anyone. For example, he knew that if he continued west, he would make it to Old Man Higgam’s property. And Old Man Higgam and his gene-modded dogs didn’t like visitors.

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1. I would hope that Charlie thought he was moving pretty fast, if he knows he is already running as fast as he could. I'd drop this sentence entirely. Actually, were you to keep it though, then the first two sentences should be joined by a comma, not separated by a period.

2. A couple more sentences that should be joined together. It helps keep the sentences flowing smoothly.

3. I understand what you're getting at with the phonetically rendered speech, but I'd shy away from it personally. Too much of it can make the piece difficult for a reader to comprehend smoothly, which is especially important in high action scenes like this one. Also, and this is just a personal thought, I don't think that a person's internal monologue would be rendered phonetically. Regardless of your accent, when a southerner is thinking the word "nothing", that is what he is thinking in his head, not "nuthin'". The internal monologue might be saved until later, when you could show him actually speaking to another person, where his particular accent or dialect would be more evident.

As a side note, check out rule seven of Elmore Leonard's Rules of Writing.

4. Lose the adverb. Simple as that.

Based on the premise you've got going, I'd probably read a little further in to your story to see how things develop, but the phonetic language is kind of a stumbling bock for me. Take that comment for what it is.

I wanted to say first that your idea is excellent! Well done.

All of the comments that have been made pretty much sum up the technical difficulties with this piece, so I wanted to make a side comment.

You are, of course, free to take the advice of those who offer it. You are, similarly, free to reject said advice. There is no need to comment on which you choose, or why. You are a sovereign writer, in command of your own pieces. (Great, isn't it?)

A word of caution, however: many of the writers on this site are published writers who know what editors look for, and many are students taking writing classes. Nearly all of them are prolific readers who know what strikes the heart of readers everywhere. As a result, the suggestions they profer should not be disregarded lightly.

And I will give you two tips, which you are free, as always, to disregard. Publishers will not likely give your piece a second glance if: 1) the dialogue (whether external or, in your case, internal) is unclear or difficult to understand, and 2) the use of adverbs is not acceptable.

This is not because editors are jerks who like to tear our egos down. It is because editors know what readers will read, and most readers will not read stories (of any length) where dialogue is difficult to understand, and the use of adverbs is extravagant.

I did not notice any real trouble with adverbs in your piece. Well done!!! My own work requires constant attention because I genuinely love adverbs. :-)

However, as many have already remarked, your "internal" rendering (doesn't matter whether it is monologue or dialogue), is difficult to read. I had to read it very slowly in order to understand it. I would not continue reading the story, on that basis alone, even though I thought the idea was a good one.

Unless you are sure that you are very gifted (not by your own standards, mind you, but by a significant majority of your readers) in rendering dialect, it is not a good idea. Editors will not usually accept manuscripts that show a less than excellent grasp of appropriate dialogue technique.

My suggestion would be (not for your own sake, but for the sake of all your loyal readers everywhere) to please render the dialogue in normal, proper English, and then explain to us by other means that he has a regional accent. A writer of your caliber should have no trouble finding of way of making that clear without confusing the reader needlessly. :-)

Again, well done!

I would love to read the rest of this when it is finished. Send it along whenever!

Here is an example of something I wrote a long time ago when I lived in "Hillbilly-ville" for 7 years in another life:

(Title: Eatin' crow)

"Crows been in the rosenears again, Pa!"

Every time Ma'd bring up the crows, Pa'd get all flustrated n fetch his gun. Ma told him it weren't no good, fussing over dem beady-eyed feathered beasts that weren't no good for the pot anyways. Well Pa was right smart, that you couldn't argy. But he was set in his ways. "Hesh up woman! I aim to git me some crow!" Thats just how he was. I member her cacklin real qwite-like, turn her face to hid a guffaw, but we all seen. Ma didn't pretend to know everthing, but she knew who was gettin gotten..."

My point in posting this is 1) to validate your creative desire to write in a voice that is perhaps, unlike your true voice (or similar, for that matter) but reflects a particular scene, dialect, people etc. that you may be trying to communicate your story for or to, and 2) to validate the comments of the other posters in this thread who indicate that unless the writing/the way you communicate this unique voice resonates with them and doesn't make them work too hard at understanding your story, (due to phonetic depiction of the words, grammar, syntax, etc.) they'll stop reading it or not read it at all after reading only one line.

Readers hated my first attempt and I felt offended that they did so it was a no-win at the first go; some the readers themselves were also actually offended and saw it as a slam but it wasn't my attempt to be demeaning at all to people who speak like this - just to communicate what I felt was a comical, quaint story in the "local" dialect in the way they sounded to my ears. It's a very fine line and it boils down to who or why you are writing it in the first place, and how this comes across to your audience if you're lucky enough or skillful enough to have one. :-)

I'm sure you do have a talent for phonetically communicating in trek-ese; I'd like to read more of what you have to say - as to appreciate this effort. Remember though, consider your audience and who you are writing for (are you writing to be read at all, or is it mental masturbation?)

Please do not be offended, I've tried this myself. And in the case of the blurb from the story I've posted above, it took several attempts to maintain the authenticity of the voice, the historical references (rosenears = corn) and hold the interest of readers from varying walks of life who appreciated either the nostalgic take/flavor of their own current or past life that hit home, or the process on the part of the writer to communicate this to those who have never glimpsed this world without making them work too hard to understand the comedy/story in the regional dialect.

Charlie was running as fast as he could. Which he thought was pretty fast. Dodging between trees and other obstacles at nearly one-hundred-and-fifty miles per hour wasn’t as easy as comics made it seem. Especially when you had two Government Runners after you.

The "running as fast as he could" didn't work for me, especially after I found out he was running at 150 mph. Maybe you could describe how hard he's running - gasping for breath, muscles cramping - then say something like "he had to be running at least 150. He knew the Government Runners could do 165 mph easily, but they were barely gaining on him."?

I didn’t really do nothin’ wrong, thought Charlie. They’re the ones tryin’ to take Granpaw’s property to build some stinkin’ ‘Genetic Enhancement Research Facility’.

For me, this type of writing gets tiresome really quickly. I understand it's the way he talks, but I'd much rather see it depicted some other way. Probably harder to do in thoughts, but in speech you can describe that he had a habit of cropping off the ending "g" so that the words ended in "-in'". Do it once or twice to make the reader understand then write "normally" and let them fill in the way it sounds for themselves.

So what if me an’ my brothers got our power mods from ‘em. We served our time in their supped-up Army, an’ we was ‘sposed to be left alone afterwards.
Quickly ducking under a branch and leaping over a log, Charlie tried to find some way to throw off the Runners behind him.

Mentioning the Genetic Enhancement Research Facility this early on turns me against it. Too cliche'. This last paragraph sounds too much like an info-dump. Ducking under a branch and leaping over a log at 150 mph doesn't seem likely. You have to remember physics - just because you can run 150 mph doesn't mean you can think that fast. Imagine driving a car that fast through a busy city street. You have much less reaction time and because of inertia, you have a harder time changing direction or slowing down. If he's in the woods, then the ground it probably uneven and slippery (pine needles/dead leaves). If he's running at 150 mph, then put him on a level road.

Why is he being chased? Did he steal the items (which is what it looked like on a second read)? If so, then "got" is the wrong word here.

Would you be willing to e-mail the rest?

quote:

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Charlie was running as fast as he could, which was a lot faster than normal for him.

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Maybe condense it to just, "Charlie sprinted through the woods, faster than he had ever run before in his life."

(may not be much better, but I think it would work better to chop the first sentence).

I think the rest is good.