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Author Topic: Paradoxically Correct
skadder
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If you are offended by stories involving situations from the bible re-intrepreted, then this isn't one for you. It is however a work of fiction.


"I shall pop there, to yonder grove, and pray to God, my father," he said and smiled serenely.
"Right, er..,pop?" Peter said, he glanced at the grove, "Shall we shall wait for you here, Jesus?"
"Yes." Kevin forced himself to walk slowly across the Garden of Gethsemane. Once hidden behind the trees, he wrenched up the sleeve of his robe. It was getting too close to 'hammer-time' and the Chrono-Gen's paradox indicator was still flashing red--no travel was possible--he was still locked in the paradox bubble.
"S***. S***. S***."
Would he have to get crucified, just for one tiny little mistake? He pressed the tachyon pulser. Next to him the air


[This message has been edited by skadder (edited December 12, 2007).]


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bigdawgpoet
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:-)

I am a die-hard Christian myself, and I must say......
I like it. :-)

I can't help but wonder: 1) What "mistake" was made, and 2) whether he dies or not.

Please send it along whenever it's ready.


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TaleSpinner
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[comments] follow ...

"I shall pop there, to yonder grove, and pray to God, my father," he said and smiled serenely.
"Right, er..,[three dots, not dot dot comma?]pop?" Peter said, [as?] he glanced at the grove, "Shall we shall wait for you here, Jesus?"
"Yes." Kevin forced himself to walk slowly across the Garden of Gethsemane. Once hidden behind the trees, he wrenched up the sleeve of his robe. It was getting too close to 'hammer-time' and the Chrono-Gen's paradox indicator was still flashing red--no was travel [no time travel was possible?] possible--he was still locked in the paradox bubble.
"S***. S***. S***."
Would he have to get crucified, just for one tiny little mistake? [nice hook] He pressed the tachyon pulser. Next to him the air

We're in Kevin's head and I don't think he'd think of 'hammer time' as something that needs inverted commas, he'd think of it as something normal, right? So the inverted commas around the term feel like an author intrusion.

I'd read on--send it my way if you'd like.

Cheers,
Pat


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KPKilburn
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Sorry, but that's not doing anything for me at all. I had a hard time getting through the first two sentences - wasn't really sure what the point was. After I read it a few times, I understood what he was saying/doing, but it was too late - that killed the momentum for me.

Didn't get the "S***. S***. S***" - did the system censor some profanity? If so, I got it.


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skadder
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Yeah it turned s*** into ****. I had to go back in and put an S at the beginning to ensure exactly what I was saying was evident.

This story is unwritten, I squeezed as much as I could into this intro to give a flavour of where I was going--really to see how offended people may be about it.

[This message has been edited by skadder (edited December 12, 2007).]


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TaleSpinner
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"to see how offended people may be about it"

That may depend upon the nature of his "tiny little mistake" ;-)

Pat


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skadder
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Yes....the nature of the mistake. As I said in the first post, this story is a re-interpretation of the bible story, so I guess if you were Peter it would seem to happen as written in the Bible. The behind the scenes version I am doing is based on...ahem. Well, I will write it first!

I can't see anyway for the mistake not to offend when first mentionned...I can make it more palatable, but not until the end..


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skadder
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Revised:

“Peter,” Kevin said, “I must go to yonder grove of olive trees and spend time alone in the presence of my father, God.”
“Yes, Jesus,” said Peter. “We shall wait for you here.” Kevin gave his most serene smile, then tried not to run as he crossed to olive trees on the far side of the Garden of Gethsemane.
As soon as he was hidden from sight, he pulled out a packet of Marlboro’s from inside his tunic and lit one up. He inhaled deeply.
“Thank god,” he muttered, blowing a smoke ring. Forlornly he looked down at the Chrono-gen strapped halfway up his forearm. It hadn't changed, the display was still locked solid by the paradox bubble around him--he was still stuck. He had to hope

[This message has been edited by skadder (edited December 12, 2007).]


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KPKilburn
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I like the second version much better. I'd be much more apt to read it now.
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TaleSpinner
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The second version has a better voice, I think.

But it's lost "Would he have to get crucified, just for one tiny little mistake?" and that was a great hook. The second version lacks the sense of menace that the first has with the mention of crucifiction.

Hope this helps,
Pat


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skadder
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The second version was not constructed with the 13 lines in mind. The first version I tried to cram too much in, but I will still use the crucification line...I want Kevin to be very different from Christ. In fact he is an athiest with a poor grasp of exactly what is going to happen to him.

The second version is still hooky though isn't--hooky enough?


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TaleSpinner
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Well, to make room for more action--does he really need to spend three sentences on a cigarette and a smoke ring? I understand you're trying to make him radically different from the traditional Christ figure but some of that can wait, perhaps.

In other words, the crucifiction line was, for me, what made it stand out. It depends on how much you believe in the first 13 theory.

Just a thought,
Pat

[This message has been edited by TaleSpinner (edited December 12, 2007).]


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skadder
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No, you make a good point...The cigarette and coffee were tow things I wanted to get in the first 13. Regarding the coffee, he snatches it from Dave, drinks it and then hands it back with the line:

"Take this cup from me, Dave."

I am going to try to incorporate as many famous lines as possible in the story, which is from now until the resurrection.


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Igwiz
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I agree, skadder. This revision really pulls me in. The disconnect with lighting up a Marlboro and the Garden of Gethsemene is great, but the "tension" has been reduced.

But, to tell the truth, that doesn't bug me as much. I like the first 13 feedback, but I'm going to get pulled in by the premise, so the overall disconnect of "Kevin" talking to Peter is already a hook for me, as well as him flaming up and checking the Chrono-gen...

I'd keep reading.

[This message has been edited by Igwiz (edited December 13, 2007).]


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wetwilly
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Second version is way better, way less confusing.

Love the "thank God" line for it's ironic value. Would a man who is worried about getting crucified within a few hours really be relieved about anything, though? Maybe so, and you will sell me on it once I read a little farther and get some more context. Just pointing out something that jumped out to me.

Love the Marlboros, too.

So far, I don't see anything that would offend anybody. I don't think even the hard-liners who think Harry Potter is teaching our children witchcraft (along with literacy and a love of exercising their imaginations...damn that Satan!) would be offended by what you've got here so far. It's clearly just whimsical fiction. But, then again, so is Harry Potter. It's mind-blowing what some people will be offended by.

The hook has hooked me. I would offer to read the whole thing when you get it done, but I've sworn to myself that in my month off school I am going to get my novel completely polished and mailed out to some agents, and after that grad school starts back up, so no time. Your first thirteen made me want to read the rest, though.


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TaleSpinner
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"So far, I don't see anything that would offend anybody."

Don't forget the Kevinists.

Pat


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skadder
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quote:
Love the "thank God" line for it's ironic value. Would a man who is worried about getting crucified within a few hours really be relieved about anything, though?

The whole story is going to chock full of irony. The guy is an atheist and has faith, misplaced, in his friend and the professor getting him out of said paradox bubble.

That's a point...no mentioned any problems with 'a paradox bubble'--so I guess it works as a concept.


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skadder
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Yeah, those Kevinists can be trouble if you goad them...
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kings_falcon
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I really like this.

quote:

"Peter,” Kevin said, “I must go to yonder grove of olive trees and spend time alone in the presence of my father, God.”
“Yes, Jesus,” said Peter. “We shall wait for you here.” New paragraph
Kevin gave his most serene smile, then tried not to run as he crossed to olive trees on the far side of the Garden of Gethsemane.As soon as he was hidden from sight, he pulled out a packet of Marlboro’s from inside his tunic and lit one up. He inhaled deeply.
“Thank god,” he muttered, blowing a smoke ring.
Forlornly <- you could lose this "ly". he looked down at the Chrono-gen strapped halfway up his forearm. It hadn't changed, the display was still locked solid by the paradox bubble around him--he was still stuck. He had to hope


If it t'were me, which it t'wern't, I'd switch the "forlornly" section with the "wrenching up the sleeve" section from the first version. You've got me hooked with the smoking and "Kevin" being "Jesus" but the other few lines including the site edited profanities was much more hooky.

You could also delete the "Hammer time" reference and have it still work something like:

"Peter,” Kevin said, “I must go to yonder grove of olive trees and spend time alone in the presence of my father, God.”
“Yes, Jesus,” said Peter. “We shall wait for you here.”
Kevin gave his most serene smile, then tried not to run (to the)olive trees on the far side of the Garden of Gethsemane. Once hidden from view, he (yanked) out Marlboro from (the pack) inside his tunic and lit one up.
“Thank god,” he muttered, blowing a smoke ring.
He wrenched up the sleeve of his robe. The Chrono-Gen's paradox indicator was still flashing red--no travel was possible--he was still locked in the paradox bubble. [u] S***. S***. S***. [/u]
Would he have to get crucified, just for one tiny little mistake


- that's 13 lines.

Good luck


[This message has been edited by kings_falcon (edited December 13, 2007).]


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skadder
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The paragraph thing was so I got the MOST in the 13 lines. Guilty!
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ValleyPastor
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As an evangelical pastor, I'm sure I'm not going to AGREE with what happens. But IMO people are too easily offended with fiction that goes against cherished beliefs. It's a paradox bubble after all.

My only trouble with the Marlboros: Tobacco has a very distinctive smell which Peter and the others would have never experienced. Not what you want if you're trying to avoid attracting attention.


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snapper
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The Marlboro smoke smell would be perfect in the time period. Peter and others could attribute it to the 'fire and brimestone' from above that would confirm their lords true nature.
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