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“Everyone does it Deb,” Chrissy soothed, “I mean, where else are you gonna meet someone? At work? Pleeeease!” “Ok Cee,” Deb held her breath and clicked the mouse. Submitted was all she bothered reading. The rest was blah blah this date and blah blah how we can take money from you lonely single thirty-nine-year-olds blah. Chrissy shook Deb's shoulders like she'd really accomplished something. Gee, I can feel my life changing already. Poof! There goes twenty bucks.
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I liked the final bit - 'Poof! There goes twenty bucks.' It made me smile.
I'd be a little careful with your 'blah blah's (I'd delete the final blah after 'single thirty-nine-year-olds') and things like 'Pleeeeeeease!' (where I think a simple 'Please!' would do just as well), but otherwise it's fine. I'd certainly read on .
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Maybe I'm just really slow, but I don't get it. What is she doing? What is she submitting? Without knowing at least this much, I wouldn't read on.
[This message has been edited by annepin (edited December 23, 2007).]
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Given that my Dad suggested recently I should try "eharmony.com" to find "mister right" (LOL) - I found the opening interesting. Maybe I could even learn something through Debbie's adventures.... hehe Little did my Dad know there are other, far more interesting places to meet guys online then eharmony and it doesn't cost a penny! Weird, geeky writer types too if that's what you're into....
Not saying what I am into or where I've been...yet...still researching...LOL!
Feel free to email it to me if you still are looking for readers.
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Thanx all. I will send this out as I catch up. I still owe some critiques from BEFORE XMAS. Ugh. I'm trying a sell of this story to Weird Tales after a massive rework, but don't have high hopes... just testing the waters. You'll read the rework of course. Blahs minimized, a little more narration... etc etc. I am also reworking Heaven, Hell and Roadside Assistance from the ground up. I look forward to reworks from everyone who has had me peek at their work in the past. Please! Let's see how the new year shapes up for all of us!
Posts: 121 | Registered: Sep 2002
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Heyas Blue... Blue_pheonix mail failed. It might be that underscore, a lot of mail servers hiccup on them... or you got yahoo spammed or something.
Posts: 121 | Registered: Sep 2002
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Very amusing, very catchy opening. There are a few problems with punctuation, but that's the only thing that bothered me.
For example: “Everyone does it Deb,” Chrissy soothed, <- Comma should be a period. It's a complete sentence, and she starts another complete sentence when she continues. “I mean, where else are you gonna meet someone? At work? Pleeeease!”
“Ok Cee,” <- Once again, comma should be a period. Deb held her breath and clicked the mouse.
Sorry about the minor nitpicks, but misplaced commas in and around dialogue really tweak my inner-editor. I'd love to read more if you'd care to send it my way.
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