posted
This title is bad, it was invented in the 30 seconds after I realized that posting 'Untitled' probably wasn't a great idea. The famous knot, is ofcourse the inspiration for the state's name, but I get the disturbing feeling Gordia has been used before. If anyone can give me a definite "It has" I will happily go through the torturous naming-process again. Edit: Turns out the knot is named for its maker's father. I had always asumed Gordia was a physical place.
AND NOW OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION
Three days before his twenty-first birthday, Janus disappeared. His friend Phil was the first to notice, when he came around the next-afternoon to invite him to a movie. When no-one answered the door, he knew what had happened. Phil shrugged and went on with his life. He had far too much sense to draw attention to himself, so it was only to his closest friends that he whispered “Jan’s done a runner”.
Of course the news spread like wildfire. Phil had known that. He figured Janus needed as many prayers as Phil could deliver. Phil was certain, however, that one place the news would not spread was the headquarters of the Gordian military police. They would have rewarded the informant richly, but no-one would dream of betraying Janus. The police would find out soon enough.
This cuts off just before a shift in POV to Janus, so don't worry that the entire story is this dry.
And now I need to get myself a drink. This is the first work of fiction I've ever shown anyone else so this is quite a triumph over my crippling insecurity,
[This message has been edited by smncameron (edited January 21, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by smncameron (edited January 21, 2008).]
posted
Did a Google search on "Gordia" and the first page to come up didn't show any country names, so you're probably safe.
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posted
First off, good for you for posting. I found that the first is always the worst. It gets easier, and after a while, I've found you can just sit back and watch the reactions. People here are honest, thank goodness, but they're also incredibly supportive. I think no one here loses sight of the fact that our collective mission is to help each other learn how to write.
quote: This cuts off just before a shift in POV to Janus, so don't worry that the entire story is this dry.
The problem is that I _do_ worry. If the opening is dry, it might not matter how brilliant and succulent the first line on page 2 is--the editor or reader might never get there. If you think the dryness is a problem, your story is probably better served if you fix it in the first 13, rather than relying on things picking up on line 14.
On a side note, I personally don't like it when people post their 13 in something other than regular font--this includes italicized and bolded. The reason is that these styles are specific tools for writing, not for differentiating the first 13 from the rest of the post.
And on the the first 13... I did find it a bit dry. But the logic was what bothered me. Phil shrugs and goes on with his life. This seems to imply he could care less. But then he's whispering about it, knowing it will spread like wildfire, so clearly he has some interest in the events that are about to happen. And if the news spread like wildfire, I have a hard time believing the Gordian MP, if they are worth being wary of at all, wouldn't have found out somehow. And how does Phil know no one would betray Janus? Rumors spreading like wildfire imply it's out of his control.
As it stands, he doesn't seem too concerned that Jan's done a runner; consequently, I'm not, either. If the story is going to be in Janus's POV, I'd suggest starting with that. I'm not really pulled in by Phil.
posted
I'm reworking it. I think a large part of my problem was that I was too wedded to the opening line, which led to me to writing the entire awkward passage.
Edit: I also removed the Italics. You're right, it is harder to read.
[This message has been edited by smncameron (edited January 21, 2008).]
posted
I think you can use the first line *and* begin it in Janus's POV. In fact, written that way, I think it'd be stronger.
Something like, "Three days before his twenty-first birthday, Janus disappeared. He had planned to, of course...." or equally wry on the subject of Janus's disappearance. To himself, Janus is not disappeared. Just my thoughts.
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