posted
Cleaned up and ready for readers. Any other takers?
Don’t get me wrong. I love dogs. Canines have their place in life but that place is on Earth, not a low-gee space station. Our residents are all wealthy heart patients. The low gee lifestyle is life-lengthening. After they’ve experienced all that they can on Earth, when their hearts are beating a bit erratically or not without help, they come here. The first thing émigrés have to give up is the idea of limitless living space. A one bedroom apartment here costs as much as a two whole floors in the most expensive condo tower on Earth. Cats are welcome because they can survive living in a small apartment with a spectacular view. Then Mrs. Alderson arrived with…Sweetums. Never was a dog so wrongly named. “He’s just a bit nervous,” she said, scooping the
I meant to write something deeply serious this time, I really did. I don't know what happened.
[This message has been edited by arriki (edited February 18, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by arriki (edited February 27, 2008).]
posted
I rather like the conversational tone, and I want to see what kind of battle your POV character is going to have with the old-lady about Sweetums. I can also see a couple of ensuing battles with cats. As for your worry about the story not being serious--as long as your character feels annoyed about or even threatened by the dog, and as long as your character feels serious about the whole thing there's no reason why this bit can't be "serious" (You might want to look into a different title, though. And even a different name for the dog. 'Sweetums' isn't copyrighted, but it is a name for one of the muppet characters, so you might get unwelcome associations.)
Posts: 80 | Registered: Feb 2008
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posted
I would read on. It promises amusing conflict. I like the narrator's voice here. For the most part it's clear. I did have one question, though. This line:
Cats are welcome because they can survive living in a small apartment with a spectacular view.
suggests that dog's _can't_ survive.
[This message has been edited by annepin (edited February 19, 2008).]
posted
By and large reads pretty well, but feels a bit choppy. Your sentences are related, but somewhat loosely, and though, looking back, I'd say everything (almost) contributes, it feels while reading as if the topic keeps changing.
quote:Don’t get me wrong. I love dogs. Canines have their place in life but that place is on Earth, not a low-gee space station. From this sentence to the next is the first place that feel choppy. Maybe "not a low-gee orbital old-folks home" instead? That links the facility to "residents" in the next sentence. Our residents are all wealthy heart patients. The low gee lifestyle is life-lengthening. Omit sentence--made redundant by what follows. After they’ve experienced all that they can on Earth, when their hearts are beating a bit erratically or not without help, they come here. The first thing [Again a feeling of abruptness. Are we going to get a list? Changing to something like "Of course" links this up better. émigrés have to give up is omit "is" if start of sentence changes the idea of limitless living space. A one bedroom apartment here costs as much as a two whole floors in the most expensive condo tower on Earth. Not sure that the whole living space thing is important enough to include at this time. Cats are welcome because they can survive living in a small apartment with a spectacular view. This sentence/paragraph seems just stuck in between the two around it. It might go better as the last sentence of the first paragraph. Then Mrs. Alderson arrived with… pet peeve! I hate that ellipsis character! DON'T let MSWord (or whatever you're using) turn "..." or " . . . " (only the latter is correct) into "…". [ Edit: Sorry, the single character and the sequential characters of three dots look the same in the reading window. But you can tell the difference in the edit window, and on a manuscript.] Also, in this case, you simply don't need it. Sweetums. Never was a dog so wrongly named. “He’s just a bit nervous,” she said, scooping the
If you put the cat sentence at the end of the first paragraph, and drop the living space bit, your second paragraph would end with "they come here." That would transition perfectly to the next sentence, "Mrs. Alderson came with Sweetums." Also, you could then put more in your first thirteen.
[This message has been edited by rickfisher (edited February 19, 2008).]
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