posted
This is rather an old one, and I may well end up just rewriting it. However, I'd like to know how folks feel about the begining, and also if anyone would be willing to read it all so I can get a better idea of what needs to go or stay.
“Prepare to open hyperspace portal,” Captain Arnold ordered. “Aye, sir,” the helmsman replied. On the view screen before them, a beam of intense white light projected from the ship, seemingly into empty space. After a few moments, the fabric of space seemed to ripple and shimmer, and suddenly a hole or doorway opened, and through it, one could see a great kaleidoscopic miasma of light and form, bewildering the eye. “Take us in,” The Captain said, “and put us on course for Aldebaran one.” “Aye, sir.” Michael Arnold was captain of the United Earth space explorer Sonia.
posted
It didn't hook me. Sounds like a routine jump into hyperspace. It doesn't make clear whose point of view it's in, at least not until the last sentence, which to me isn't necessary. Information like that can be worked in later on.
Maybe to draw me in you could have Captain Arnold reflect on the jumps into hyperspace, or give me a better indication about where the story's going.
Aldebaran sounds a lot like Alderaan from Star Wars, too. What can I say, I'm no astronomer. :P
[This message has been edited by cklabyrinth (edited May 10, 2008).]
posted
Alderaan, when it was first mentioned in the first Star Wars movie, made people wonder if Lucas was trying to get people to think of Aldebarran. Interesting that the original (Aldebarran) now has the potential of sounding derivative because Lucas used an adaption of the name.
Reminds me of something similar that happened with Tolkien's Lord of the Rings, but this isn't the place to discuss it, so I'll stop now.
posted
And in a way my usage is derivative, since its a re-interpretation of Robert W. Chambers and H.P. Lovecraft's usage of it in their mythology.
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posted
I cannot help but wonder how a light could be seen projecting through the vacuum of space. It goes against physics. With the lack of reflective particles, even a laser wouldn't be seen.
The writing is done well, but the scene seems uninspiring. It almost feels like an opener to a Star trek episode.
A deeper POV might help. What is going on inside the MC?
quote:I cannot help but wonder how a light could be seen projecting through the vacuum of space. It goes against physics. With the lack of reflective particles, even a laser wouldn't be seen.
Yea maybe. But have you ever seen a sci fi movie or TV show where the weapons and tractor beams etc are invisible?
Perhaps the beam itself involves particles?
quote:The writing is done well, but the scene seems uninspiring. It almost feels like an opener to a Star trek episode.
Yea that was semi intentional actually. What is the reason for that being a bad thing? Like I said, I'm not sure I want to open this way; I may go exposition first, but I figure people would think that not active enough for the "hook" area.
quote:A deeper POV might help. What is going on inside the MC?
There isn't really a single main character, and its not really intended as character-driven. How about more about whats going on?
posted
I liked this, but there were a couple things that stuck my attention and made it hard to read.
“Prepare to open hyperspace portal,” Captain Arnold ordered. “Aye, sir,” the helmsman replied. On the view screen before them, a beam of intense white light projected from the ship, seemingly [This word seems forced] into empty space. After a few moments, the fabric of space seemed [And this "seemed" winds up very close to the "seemingly"] to ripple and shimmer, and suddenly a hole or doorway [which one?] opened, [period.] [and t remove this]Through it, one could see a great kaleidoscopic miasma [Nice word choice!] of light and form, bewildering the eye. “Take us in,” The Captain said, “and put us on course for Aldebaran one.” “Aye, sir.” Michael Arnold was captain of the United Earth space explorer Sonia. [<--This whole line seems info dumpy. It's already known that he's the captain of the ship he's on, so the only unknown is the name of the ship. Suggest replacing it with something like "The United Earth explorer Sonia soared through the inky black..." to give the name of the ship, connected with some action.]
posted
I feel like I'm reading the script from a Star Trek episode. There's nothing new & unique about this that engages my interest. Perhaps this isn't the best place to start this piece? There might be another point that would be a better starting point for the story.
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