Hatrack River Writers Workshop   
my profile login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » Lutis

   
Author Topic: Lutis
debhoag
Member
Member # 5493

 - posted      Profile for debhoag   Email debhoag         Edit/Delete Post 
LUTIS prop. N. Loo-tus. 1. Cat, origin unknown. 2. Any large, male housecat with a mean disposition and questionable ancestry. 3. A one-time familiar of Satan, kicked out of Hades for causing too much trouble, now believed to be living with a large and mostly unsuspecting family in rural Tennessee.
LUTIS was a big, old, gray, mean-ugly cat, with enough scars and bite marks around his head and shoulders to show that he wasn’t any more popular with other cats then he was with us kids. He was about as big as a dog, and we all left him mostly alone, except for my older brother Ridge. Ridge didn’t like Lutis any more than Lutis liked him, which was saying a lot.
Ridge would play a trick on Lutis now and then, if he could, and they were pretty mean tricks. One day, he threw a blanket over that cat while it was sleepin’ in the sun on the balcony of

[This message has been edited by debhoag (edited May 14, 2008).]


Posts: 1304 | Registered: May 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Toby Western
Member
Member # 7841

 - posted      Profile for Toby Western   Email Toby Western         Edit/Delete Post 
Nice. I''m even ready to get euphoric and go as far as to say very nice. The only tiny nit I can find (which is really just for the sake of saying something) would be the use of “sleepin’”--the voice comes over loud and clear without it.

If you're looking for readers, I'm in!


Posts: 171 | Registered: Mar 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
debhoag
Member
Member # 5493

 - posted      Profile for debhoag   Email debhoag         Edit/Delete Post 
thanks! I'll send it on.
Posts: 1304 | Registered: May 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
tnwilz
Member
Member # 4080

 - posted      Profile for tnwilz   Email tnwilz         Edit/Delete Post 
This is a different style. I would love to see how it carries through in a short. Ship me one too.

Tracy


Posts: 556 | Registered: Oct 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
debhoag
Member
Member # 5493

 - posted      Profile for debhoag   Email debhoag         Edit/Delete Post 
delighted to, Tnwilz!

[This message has been edited by debhoag (edited May 15, 2008).]


Posts: 1304 | Registered: May 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
TaleSpinner
Member
Member # 5638

 - posted      Profile for TaleSpinner   Email TaleSpinner         Edit/Delete Post 
Despite not being keen on cats or cat stories, this start engages me. I love the intro in italics which starts pseudo-learned and descends rapidly.

One nit: "which was saying a lot" -- I didn't get what that meant, because I couldn't figure out which of the previous phrases (Ridge not liking Lutis, Lutis not liking Ridge) it applied to; made me stumble for a moment. For me it would read better with the saying a lot unsaid ;-)

If you have patience, Deb, and can wait for a crit, do send it.

Cheers,
Pat


Posts: 1796 | Registered: Jun 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
nitewriter
Member
Member # 3214

 - posted      Profile for nitewriter   Email nitewriter         Edit/Delete Post 
Very well done. I only have a few nits with this 13.

"...with enough scars and bite marks..." This seems redundant to me since the bite marks, unless they are actually healing wounds, would still be scars.

"He was about as big as a dog." But this tells us nothing really. What kind of dog? How big of dog? Either give us a breed of dog so that we get a good idea of the size of the cat or mention the weight of the cat.


Posts: 409 | Registered: Feb 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
debhoag
Member
Member # 5493

 - posted      Profile for debhoag   Email debhoag         Edit/Delete Post 
points (and nits) taken, nitewriter. Thanks! Pat, I'll send it out to you, thank you very much, nits and all, so you can see it in all it's uncritted glory first. Thanks for offering to read.
Posts: 1304 | Registered: May 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Jo1day
Member
Member # 7800

 - posted      Profile for Jo1day   Email Jo1day         Edit/Delete Post 
I like how the italicized intro works against the voice in the non-italicized text. The beginning is a bit slow for me, but I do like the voice of the narrator. If you want more readers, I'm in.
Posts: 80 | Registered: Feb 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
debhoag
Member
Member # 5493

 - posted      Profile for debhoag   Email debhoag         Edit/Delete Post 
Delighted!
Posts: 1304 | Registered: May 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
thayerds
Member
Member # 3260

 - posted      Profile for thayerds   Email thayerds         Edit/Delete Post 
I am interested in reading more. I assume there is a paragraph break between the italics and the beginning of the story, that was the only thing that threw me off a little. I hate cat stories, but I love finding the exception to the rule. This one with the reference to being kicked out of hades for causing too much trouble over came my opposition. Please let me see more.
Posts: 84 | Registered: Feb 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
debhoag
Member
Member # 5493

 - posted      Profile for debhoag   Email debhoag         Edit/Delete Post 
on it's way!
Posts: 1304 | Registered: May 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
MrsBrown
Member
Member # 5195

 - posted      Profile for MrsBrown   Email MrsBrown         Edit/Delete Post 
Cool. You have to keep him as big as a dog! (Of course he isn't, but in the kid's eyes he is...) And I like sleepin’ and I might rather see the "saying a lot" stay in. Wish I could crit the whole thing, but it'd be nice if you let me just read it...?

[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited May 15, 2008).]


Posts: 785 | Registered: Mar 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
SimonSays
Member
Member # 3307

 - posted      Profile for SimonSays   Email SimonSays         Edit/Delete Post 
Hi debhoag,
Like the others said. Nice! I saw (and loved) your puppet piece at Oliverhouse's flash fic. site.(great shadow picture)
I have only a couple little nitpicks:

1.) loo-tus would normally be surrounded by parantheses.
2.) prop.N. would normally come after (loo-tus).
3.)

quote:
"... more popular ... then ..."
should be
quote:
"more popular ... than ..."
(unless, of course, the error is intentional -- meant to characterize the kid m.c.)

This reminds me a lot of a (late 70's, early 80's) movie,(I think it was called) "Devil Dog"... Sounds like a fun read. Send it my way, if you want.

[Warning: I tend to be a bit blunt. Also, If you do not want any rewrite examples, please say so. I do not wish to offend.]
I'm afraid I might have been a little too candid with nicersimon on his story, "End Path"... he hasn't responded to my critique, and/or sent me the rest of his story.

[This message has been edited by SimonSays (edited May 18, 2008).]

[This message has been edited by SimonSays (edited May 18, 2008).]

[This message has been edited by SimonSays (edited May 18, 2008).]


Posts: 38 | Registered: Mar 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
debhoag
Member
Member # 5493

 - posted      Profile for debhoag   Email debhoag         Edit/Delete Post 
are you kidding? That's great - I never even thought about checking the dictionary format. Blunt away. But I have no idea what the "puppet piece" is. What the heck are you talking about?
Posts: 1304 | Registered: May 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
SimonSays
Member
Member # 3307

 - posted      Profile for SimonSays   Email SimonSays         Edit/Delete Post 
Oops! Sorry Debhoag... and my appologies to Djvdakota if she's reading this. My bad. You should check out Jake's(Oliverhouse's) flash (and his cutting) site and read her short story, if you get a chance. It's quite imaginative, and very well written.
Posts: 38 | Registered: Mar 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
debhoag
Member
Member # 5493

 - posted      Profile for debhoag   Email debhoag         Edit/Delete Post 
I think I remember reading that, now that you mention it's not by me. I read slush there, along with my other partners in crime.

Nice, creepy piece, right? I never checked back to see who wrote it - we read them blind.

[This message has been edited by debhoag (edited May 18, 2008).]


Posts: 1304 | Registered: May 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Hatrack River Home Page

Copyright © 2008 Hatrack River Enterprises Inc. All rights reserved.
Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is prohibited.


Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classic™ 6.7.2