The path was small, hewn sharp and narrow through the broad-leafed ferns and rich green grasses by the hoofs of unseen mountain beasts for ten thousand years – or even a million years. (long sentence. I know, I'm an expert at them.)
Who could say, since the true history of New Earth was something even the bravest of scientists dared not guess at, or at least not in any public forum. (this starts out as a question, but ends as a statement. you could break it into two sentences, one the question, the second the statement)
Lawrence had no good guesses on the subject himself: not his field of expertise. Everybody was taking a great deal for granted these days, it seemed. ‘Never look a gift horse in the mouth,’ they used to say when he was a boy, back on Earth. That’s what should be over the door into the New League of Nations building, instead of
It's really nice, tnwilz. the heart is there, it just needs to have the mechanics tweaked a little. I think.
One thing, though. The first two sentences say the same thing. I get that the trail is narrow and in a thick forest. I don't need it twice.
And I'm assuming what New Earth is will become clear very soon. Right now I'm not sure if it's an island, a planet, or an alternate dimension. If this was not cleared up in the next few paragraphs, I would stop reading.
posted
I liked parts of both versions and would certainly keep reading. You paint a detailed picture of the trail and spark my interest in why the doctor is exploring. The only issues that raised flags had to do with phrasing. "It had become a taboo subject," for instance, struck me as rather clumsy. A simple rearrangement - "The subject had become taboo" - reads more strongly and gracefully to me. Also, if in the second sentence you specify ferns and grasses to paint your picture, maybe cut "densely forested" in the first. I'm good at being redundant, too.
Please, finish the whole story. I'd love to see where this one goes.
[This message has been edited by C L Lynn (edited August 12, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by C L Lynn (edited August 12, 2008).]
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