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You seem trustworthy, so I will tell you my discovery of a world I could not have imagined before.

On a quiet day on a quiet county street near my home, I strolled to an intersection overhung with a single stoplight. I was admiring roadside wildflowers when I heard a squeak from above. I looked to the wires holding the light, where a creature about the size of a tennis ball fumbled for a moment before falling from the wire. I raced into the street just in time to save the creature from the pavement. In retrospect, my action had been dangerous. Remember the childhood warnings to check both ways before stepping into the street and to stay away from strange animals?

Sorry, but the first line leaves me cold. I don't think you need to justify why you're telling the story. Also, you don't know me and can't judge my trustworthiness; and if you discover something, it almost goes without saying that you could not have imagined it before.

I'd suggest thinking this through a little:

Were you strolling to the intersection, or was it on the way to where you were going?

Why did you decide to save the creature? What made you feel sorry for it? How did you know it wasn't a rat, or something that would bite?

I believe it's about 15 feet from a stop light wire to the ground, and it'll fall that distance in one second--you're Superman-fast if you ran across the road in less than a second, methinks.

I'd drop the introspection about it being dangerous. It slows the story down and anyway, you already said it was quiet--twice--so it was a reasonable bet there was no traffic to hit you.

How does an animal gape? (And, if it was the gnome, wouldn't you say so?)

my take:

quote:

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You seem trustworthy, so I will tell you my discovery of a world I could not have imagined before Really? This seems contrived

On a quiet day on a quiet county street near my home, I strolled to an intersection overhung with a single stoplight.

how to explain what's bothering me. I live in the country. So that's part of it. We don't have stop lights unless it's a major intersection. At best, there's a stop sign. The "quiet day on a quiet" is repetative. I doubt the MC would think of the location as "near" his house. It's either by the Grove's, Mitchell's, Kings's, the barn the tornado smashed in, Grove Store or Huge Store. Since "blocks" can go on for miles, we navigate by landmarks or people's property lines. So, after babbling about it, I know why this struck me as off. It's contrived again. Also, "strolled "to" an intersection?" It was the MC's destination?

I was admiring roadside wildflowers A bit cliche - stopping to smell the flowers when I heard a squeak from above.

I looked to at the wires holding the light, where a creature about the size of a tennis ball fumbled for a moment before falling from the wire. I think this is passive. Wouldn't it be cleaner to say - "A ERM the size of a tennis ball fumbled on the wire above and fell" - or something like it?

I raced into the street just in time to save the creature from the pavement. Boy are you fast. Again, your using a lot of words. While you might be trying to set a voice, it seems to me a bit overdone

In retrospect, my action had been dangerous. Hu? Why did we jump in time again? I think this stops the story Remember the childhood warnings to check both ways before stepping into the street and to stay away from strange animals?

Anyway, this strange animal gaped up at me. To my

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I like the idea. Try trimming to clarify the action without losing the voice you want.

Hope this helps.

I sometimes forget how normal people's actions differ from mine. I choose intersections as destinations for my walks. I stop to look at wildflowers when I see them. I also can catch what most people can't, though now I agree the MC's catch requires a stretch of the imagination.

Thank you both for your help. I’ll post the new first 13 when I finish the rewrite.

So and so sat/walked looked out of the window and saw something weird. It is cliche apparently to begin with a boring scenario and then up-the-ante by having something strange happen out of nowhere. I hate to use the term he used, but it was something along the lines of 'new writer's mistake'. Apparently, this is because new writers tend to begin with what they see, their house, their neighborhood, then something odd happens. The example he (OSC, as mentioned further down) used ran along the lines of:

I sat in the house reading the paper when all of a sudden I heard something strange happening outside. I rushed out in time to see an alien space-craft (or whatever)...

He said this makes the protaganist come across as reactive to events (initial impression), and therefore almost passive.

I think OSC said this in one of his books, 'How to Write Science Fiction and Fantasy'. Not sure if that is the precise title. Many stories do start in this way, but they are interesting for another reason until the weird stuff begins.

I am sure your story becomes very interesting, but I thought you ought to be aware of the cliche. It is avoidable.