Dig out your thesaurus and look up some synonyms for some of your adjectives, particularly "brooded on the horizon", sorry but this smacks of cliche. Or sit down and brainstorm as many differnt way of describing your place on a piece of paper as you can in 30 minutes or less...

Also, If you are trying to describe a fantasy setting that is not of this world, and I think you are, you might want to choose a word that doesn't come with all the cultural baggage attached that the word "sensei" does. Unless your world is tangibly connected with Japanese culture in some way.

-Ganbate! (Or, Do you best!)

1)fortress Tyrakiar
2)Blacklands
3)Sensei of Doom
4)Shaman of Death
5)gigantic spitting spider

Slow down...too much to soon. I agree with the above comments regarding the names. You should introduce a concept and explain it then tie in the next.

e.g.

The fortress Tyrakiar brooded on the horizon like a horned demon deep in meditation.

Good first line. But then:

In the distance,(where? you haven't established a specific POV--it seems omnicient--so in the distance from where?) crouching atop one (which one--be specific?) of the gloomy promontories that crested across the Blacklands, the Sensei of Doom(bad name IMO--too generic, like the Sword of Power) breathed in its(the Fortress's?) familiar, ferrous, blood-like scent.

Example (with name change):

The fortress Tyrakiar brooded on the horizon like a horned-demon deep in meditation. Jerzac crouched atop the the granite outcrop, one many that crested across the Blackland, and inhaled. The ferrous, blood-like scent of the fortress carried far on the light breeze.

Just an example, I am sure you could do better.

The fortress Tyrakiar brooded upon the moonlit horizon like a horned demon deep in meditation. Composed entirely of adamantium, the ancient edifice radiated a certain stoicism which was indefinable and yet as palpable as its spiked turrets and parapets, its indestructible walls, and the giant visage carved into its exterior. Crouching atop a gloomy promontory, one of the many that crested like frozen waves of pitch across the Blacklands, the Sensei of Doom breathed in Tyrakiar's familiar, ferrous, blood-like scent. With a barrage of memories flowing through his brain, he silently dropped to the ground and approached the lair of his former master. A mile behind him his arch-nemesis, the Shaman of Death, secretly followed on the back of a gigantic spitting spider.

I can postpone the Shaman of Death's appearance for a few lines or paragraphs, and move up the more detailed descriptions of the fortress and the Sensei of Doom that are currently situated beneath it. My concern with doing this was that the initial paragraph would not contain enough of a hook. Opinions, please.

[This message has been edited by Brant Danay (edited September 11, 2008).]

quote:

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Composed entirely of adamantium, the ancient edifice radiated a certain stoicism which was indefinable and yet as palpable as its spiked turrets and parapets, its indestructible walls, and the giant visage carved into its exterior.

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This sentence is too long and too complicated. Simpler is better--the less you have to untangle mentally the better the flow.

Are you certain you want to write with a omniscient POV? It is hard to do well. It feels like you are trying to cram to much in to quickly. You are also using tons of adjectives--strings of them at times. Almost every noun has one (not really, but nearly).

moonlit horizon (Lit by the moon, the fortress Tyrakiar...)
horned demon (demon--you tell us it has parapets anyway)
Composed entirely (adverb)
ancient edifice (edifice)
spiked turrets (turrets)
indestructible walls (walls)
giant visage (leave)
gloomy promontory (promontory)
frozen waves (waves)
familiar, ferrous, blood-like scent (pick one)
silently dropped (adverb) (dropped--infer silently another way)
secretly followed (adverb)(infer secretly another way)
gigantic spitting spider (it would have to big for him to ride it--but pick one. I guess we find out he spits later.)

The fortress Tyrakiar brooded upon the horizon like a horned demon deep in meditation under a full moon. Composed of adamantium, the edifice radiated a certain stoicism which was indefinable and yet as palpable as its turrets, its walls, and the giant visage carved into its exterior. Crouching atop a promontory, one of the many that crested like waves of pitch across the Blacklands, the Sensei of Doom breathed in Tyrakiar's blood-like scent. With a barrage of memories flowing through his brain, he dropped to the ground and approached the lair of his former master. Unknown to him, the Shaman of Death, followed on the back of a gigantic spider, barely a mile behind.

I don't think you need spell out that he is the Sensei's arch-nemesis. The hook is that he is being followed. Is it an enemy or a friend? Although by calling him the Shaman of Death and having him ride a giant spider it kinda gives away he is going to be evil.

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The fortress Tyrakiar brooded upon the moonlit horizon like a horned demon deep in meditation. GREAT first line

Composed entirely of adamantium, the ancient edifice radiated a certain stoicism which was indefinable and yet as palpable as its spiked turrets and parapets, its indestructible walls, and the giant visage carved into its exterior. That's a really long sentance and probably not necessary at this point. Does the Sensei need to get there? Why? Build the tension of the moment and not waste it on the setting

Crouching atop a gloomy promontory, one of the many that crested like frozen waves of pitch across the Blacklands, the Sensei of Doom breathed in Tyrakiar's familiar, ferrous, blood-like scent. Oh, my goodness. That's another long sentance with too many thoughts contained in it. I don't care that it's one of many. Does the Sensei really think of himself as "the Sensei of Doom" or is he "Bob"? Since "Ferrous" means iron don't you want something that means copper? Also, you probably don't need both ferrous and blood-like. Personally, ferrous is a better word.

With a barrage of memories flowing through his brain Eh? What memories? If they are important enought to tell me about, tell me about them. Otherwise, IMHO, you can cut this and simplify your sentance , he silently dropped to the ground and approached the lair really? lair? of NAME his former master.

A mile behind him his arch-nemesis, the Shaman of Death, secretly well, no, not if you're telling me he's following followed on the back of a gigantic spitting spider.

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There's lots of telling and all of the sentances are structurally complex. I have nothing against complex sentances but if every sentance is complex, I start wondering if the author's love of purple prose is going to get in the way of telling the story.

I agree that using Sensei is probably not a good idea unless its pseudo real world. I also agree that titles like Sensei of Doom and Shaman of Death are at once too generic and too over the top.

Also, yes, the arch-nemesis thing is a bit much. I think maybe I kind of understand what your going for, but I think its still a little too thick.

Skadder is probably partially right about the adjectives, but again, to me, it depends on your goal and style.

OK, looks like everyone's unanimously against the Sensei of Doom and Shaman of Death names, so I'll see what else I can come up with; I'll make the Shaman's following of the Sensei more mysterious and drop the arch-nemesis line; and I'll proceed with more showing and less telling.

In closing, I'd like to share a couple of happy fun facts with everyone: A spitting spider is a real-life species, so the word spitting actually isn't an adjective in this part. The familiar, ferrous smell...the familiar part leads into the next line about the barrage of memories, as the sense of smell has been found to be closely linked to the parts of the brain that control memory. Yeah, I can be pretty cryptic at times.

Thank you very much to each and every one of you for your critiques and suggestions. Even though I write in a style that's not mainstream or even "normal", I am always receptive to criticism and advice from anyone and everyone, and your comments are always taken into consideration during my re-writes. My MySpace account is back up and running, so feel to befriend me, or just learn a little more about the man behind the darkness, at http://www.myspace.com/infiniverse

Best regards,

Brant

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Wow, tons of feedback. Thanks everybody. Let's see what I can address. First of all, I would like everybody to know that I almost always write from an omniscient POV, and, yes, I do have a love for purple prose, verbosity, and extremely descriptive imagery. I know it's not the norm and it's not for everyone, but that's my style, at least at this time. Not trying to be defensive or discourage anyone from giving me feedback, just something I wanted to clarify for everyone.

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Although I use many styles I often tend in one or more of these directions myself. I am practicing working more in the "norm" for various reasons...but I disagree entirely with the notion that those things are somehow counter to "good" writing. I also don't agree that they will wreck your chances of publication, as some people seem to think (mostly because I see plenty of published material with these traits, and no it isn't all from well-known writers with a lot of "name power.")

Its familiar, blood-like scent triggered a barrage of memories that pounded the inside of his brain like a thousand fists.

The fortress Tyrakiar brooded upon the moonlit horizon like a horned demon deep in meditation. It radiated an indefinable yet palpable stoicism, a calmness born of its impenetrability. Crouching atop one of the promontories that rose like frozen waves of pitch across the Blacklands, Soulstriker breathed in the cool night air. The familiar, blood-like scent of the fortress carried far on the breeze, triggering a barrage of memories. Soulstriker gazed upon the giant visage carved into Tyrakiar's exterior. It was the face of his former battle-guru. The entire fortress was an exact replica of its master, even the dungeons hidden beneath the moat of boiling tar. Nowhere was there hint of light nor glimpse of Gothic innards, for it possessed neither windows nor doors. Tyrakiar was hermetically sealed.

My only point is, how are the dungeons a replica of its master? It sounds like the master had a set of small dungeons somewhere on his person.

Otherwise, I like it.

Adam