I'm confused about the energy field. Is this simply a barrier between Tyrfen and whatever is beyond the balcony, or does it act like a screen with images? I'm asking because you do mention an image of "a massive atomic" but I don't understand where he's seeing that.

Alred Tyrfen leaned against the balcony’s force field and marveled at the fiery web of conflicts slowly consuming the planet below. Life in Weylon’s Upper Reaches continued much as it had always done, but even the UR would not remain immune forever. Though it had not touched down in generations, an upper needs a lower, and the lower was disintegrating. {P} The energy field sparkled with alphas and Tyrfen blinked back the after images of a massive atomic somewhere on the pipeway between Hustigon and NewTown. Then darkness, and Tyrfen gripped the railing as hemanites raced to rebuild his unexpectedly smoldering retinas. {P} Gamma radiation should not have pierced the field. The UR was stalling, conserving power to stave off the inevitable; but

If {P} means paragraph break, it's not in the spirit of Hatrack's first 13 idea--which, as you'll know from the FAQ, is to share the first few lines of a manuscript that would be seen by a slush-pile reader so that we can tell you if we're hooked. With the {P} thing I think you're sharing a little more than 13 lines.

I have a feeling you're witholding, that the narrator knows more than is being said in the hope that puzzling the reader will entice her to read on. I think stories should be about problems faced by characters, not puzzles set for the reader by the narrator.

For example, is Weylon a planet or a character? Are the Upper Reaches a name for a planet's upper atmosphere or the name of a space ship--and are they singular or plural? What is a fiery web of conflicts? What is a massive atomic somewhere? (I guess you mean a massive atomic, but I'm no wiser if you do.)

With so many unknowns I'd not read on--but, you seem to have a way with imagery, so if I could understand what was happening, I might.

While it's a nice opening image, there's a lot of jargon thrown about without context. Your protagonist knows what's happening, so why don't we? I think you could get to the point (the thingy failing) in a line and give us the technical details as the story goes on.

Regards,

Maybe this as new term in your story: internices. Did you mean interstices?

1)"the fiery web of conflicts"
2) Weylon - although for now I've assumed it's the planet Alred is above.
3) alphas
4) atomic - although for now I've assumed it was a bomb
5) pipeway
6) Hustigon- assuming it's a town on the planet
7) NewTown - Ditto the assumption
8) hemanities
9) "unexpectedly smoldering retinas" - really, the part of his eyes are somehow smoldering or is this something else?
10) field - I assume it's the forcefield but since I'm guessing on so much, I'm not 100% comfortable assuming that.

The hook for me was this dude is standing somewhere watching a planet fall apart. The retinas and the rest can wait for me. I'm wondering who he is and where the heck he is. If you slow down the introduction of the new terms it would be an easier read. The premise was interesting and there were somewhat shorter sentances than your other stories .

It's a solid start.

* 'Life in Weylon’s Upper Reaches continued much as it had always done, but even the UR would not remain immune forever.' - if possible, I'd find a way of rephrasing it to eliminate 'UR' (it took me a moment to think '... oooh, Upper Reaches, right').
* As kings_falcon said, I'd tone down the jargon a tiny bit (like, one or two less things). I could mostly figure out what things were, but 'alphas' still puzzles me (alpha particles?). That said, I preferred 'internices' to 'fiery web of conflicts'.

I think the danger here is that you've thrown your readers into a pretty steep learning curve: lots of complicated stuff going on, and no bones about it. If you tone that down just a fraction, I think you'll have hit the right balance.

Other than that, I too am intrigued by the guy standing on a balcony and watching a planet die (and by the ship [space station? thingie] that's starting to fail). I'd read on.

Hope this helps,
Daniel.

Alred Tyrfen leaned against the balcony’s energy field, sipped his drink, and marveled at the fiery patchwork of conflicts slowly consuming the world. While life in Weyland’s Upper Reaches continued much as it had always done, Tyrfen knew this to be deceptive. The shining web of cloud-borne metropoli had been so long aloft that it often seemed a world unto itself; but an upper needs a lower, and the lower was disintegrating.
The energy field sparkled with gamma radiation and Tyrfen blinked back the after images of a massive explosion somewhere on the pipeway between Hustigon and NewTown. Then darkness, and Tyrfen gripped the railing as hemanites raced to rebuild his rad-seared retinas. This was unexpected. The field should have protected him. The Reach was stalling, conserving power

Ttyrfen knew what to be deceptive?

"an upper needs a lower, and the lower was disintegrating" -- nice line

Should there be a hyphen linking the words "after images"?

"Then darkness ..." When I read this I saw darkness on the ground below, and it took a while to realize that this was Tyrfen's sensation, inside his head so to speak. I think you need to make it clear that he's lost his sight so that we're carried along with what he's experiencing; having to piece it all together destroys the pace.

Finally, the idea that the Reach (Reaches?) is (are?) stalling seems unconnected to what went before. Is the conservation of power the reason the field failed to protect him? Is this his thought, or is the narrator telling us?

Hope this helps,
Pat

I understood the stalling "Reaches" to be draining power from the energy field as the world below is being destroyed.

My whole take on the jargon thing and this opening is that I'd be expecting a really good concept or idea to come up pretty soon if I'm going to stick with it. At the moment, I'd be slightly worried that it's empty jargon, but I'd be willing to take it on trust. I'll stick with writers like Ted Chiang and Greg Egan opening with jargon (and info-dumping), but I know what they're going to do. I'd probably feel more comfortable if you eased us in with the jargon or hit me with a mind-blowing idea early up.

Regards,

Nick

P.S. Max Payne seemed like a waste of time purely from the trailer. I've seen Rec, the original upon which Quarantine is based and it was pretty good. Most reviews seem to indicate that Rec was the better version.