quote:

---

Harold Travis stepped out of his house and onto his bone-dry land. Everyday he got up to greet the day. Everyday he prayed that his curse would be lifted. Everyday he was disappointed. The Nagoona’s city-sized purple ship still hovered over his house, the shadow robbing his ranch of nourishing rain and sun. Only a dust-covered circle remained of his homestead.
He lifted his hunting rifle and pointed it at the ship.
The gun kicked. A dog yelping sounded from the floating behemoth. Each time the aliens would produce a different noise. Yesterday, the dinging of a bell from a carnival game. The day before, a woman screaming. It was never the same.
They think they’re so funny.

---

2nd version

quote:

---

Harold Travis stepped out of his house and onto his bone-dry land. Every morning he got up to greet the day. Every morning he prayed that his curse would be lifted. Every morning he was disappointed. The Nagoona’s city-sized purple ship still hovered over his house, the shadow robbing his ranch of nourishing rain and sun. Only a dust-covered circle remained of his homestead.
He lifted his hunting rifle and pointed it at the ship.
The gun kicked. The sound of a dog yelping boomed down from the floating behemoth. Each time the aliens would produce a different noise. Yesterday it was the dinging of a bell from a carnival game, the day before, a woman screamed. It was never the same.
They think they’re so funny.

---

quote:

---

A dog yelping sounded from the floating behemoth. Each time the aliens would produce a different noise. Yesterday, the dinging of a bell from a carnival game. The day before, a woman screaming. It was never the same.

---

I think you could tighten this up a bit. The "A dog yelping sounded" sentence gives me some problems - it's awkward for me. Perhaps something like, "A yelping dog sound eminated"? I think it's the arrangement of the "dog yelping".

Also, I'm not sure you need, "It was never the same." You've already indicated that by saying, "each time the aliens would produce a different noise." You may consider dropping one of them. Maybe you could drop both and still keep the idea that it was always different, "The day before, a woman screaming. The day before that..." Not sure if the dots work in writing, but it seems like a comedy, so...?

Thanks

Additionally, I recommend using "every day" instead of "everyday" - which has a whole different meaning. You know, like everyday china. Everyday as one word is more of an adjective. Every day he does this. Every day he does that. It carries more of that monotone voice you're aiming for, which I think is excellent and a good match for humor.

"Everyday he got up to greet the day. Everyday he prayed that his curse would be lifted. Everyday he was disappointed."
I love what you did, using 'everyday' to quickly set the scene. Its a little wordy, and might be better if you combined them all into one sentence. Don't use the word 'day' twice in the first sentence; make it more personal, like "Every morning he rose to a new day. Every morning he prayed that the nuisance would be gone. Every morning, he was disappointed."

I guess what I'm trying to say is that this has a lot of potential to be good, but it is not good. It's ok. It works. Now take it and make it alive. Let the story breath, and then I'll want to read more.

I want to laugh some more. (huh)

quote:

---

A dog yelping sounded from the floating behemoth. Each time the aliens would produce a different noise. Yesterday, the dinging of a bell from a carnival game. The day before, a woman screaming. It was never the same.
They think they’re so funny.

---

ok. the doge yleping sounded, threw me. I stumbled there, but another reader was right. It shoudnt be a dog yelped, but the sound of a dog yelping.

I might suggest. the sound of a dog yelping floated behemoth. Yesterday, it was the dinging of a bell from a cranival game. The day before, a woman screaming. It was never the same.

I think there is no need for the line of each time the aliens made a differnet sound. I feel you tell it there versus showing it, which you do so well with your 3 following lines.

Other than the dog yelping- thing I think it's good. I post things at a different board (fantasy with some romance) as well, and its always interesting to see the different things that the groups comment on. Often, it seems genre related.

Still...it makes me wonder why they're (seemingly) intentionally damaging the MC's ranch. Is that humor they're exercising, or mockery? I definitely want to know. I would keep reading, so consider me hooked.

S!
S!...C!

quote:

---

Yesterday it was the dinging of a bell from a carnival game, the day before, a woman screamed.

---

quote:

---

What was the criticism? And what is the genre of the other board?

---

The crit was the first two paragraphs was too slow but it became interesting after that. It is on the Baens Universe Slush Forum.
This piece I get a lot of comments on. They almost all say some thing like...

I really liked this and thought it was funny but I think it would be better if...

and to a tee, that if is never the same. EVERYBODY has an idea what this story is lacking and EVERYBODY's idea is a unique one. Humor can be so subjective, however 90% of the people that read it said it is funny+. Unfortunately, none of those people has been an editor, yet.

Harold Travis stepped out of his house and onto his bone-dry land. Every morning he got up to greet the day.<- Cut that sentence. The drollness is set by the next two sentences. Every morning he prayed that his curse would be lifted. Every morning he was disappointed. The Nagoona’s city-sized purple overused adjectives here, slows the pace far too much ship still hovered over his house, the shadow robbing his ranch of nourishing rain and sun. Only a dust-covered once again, an unwieldy adjective circle remained of his homestead.

On this last sentence, perhaps you should address the dust directly, rather than as simply a quality of a circle. For example, The slow wind picked up dust, which now circled the entire homestead.

You can send it to me if you like. I'm hooked. I agree that every day or every morning would be better than everyday, and that the tenses of screaming should coincide with dinging, just to have the tenses consistent.

Regarding the first 13, it turned me off in both versions. When I first saw the story on the bar I stopped reading (both times) almost exactly at the same point you get cut off here. I went back and read the whole thing when I noticed that you were the author, since you take the time to help a lot of people here on Hatrack.

I had a couple of problems with the introduction. In the first paragraph the only interesting note is the big purple ship. I understand Harold has to be dry and humorless for the story to work, but you've let his perspective dominate in your first 13 to the point of turning the paragraph itself dry and humorless (literally, even, in that you begin with him stepping onto his "bone dry land"). The cadence of "every day" or "every morning" repeated thrice in a row reinforces the impression that we're going to take a ride in the head of the most boring character in history. By the time you get to him shooting the gun that act, too, has become droll, when it really should be a hook.

Once I'm in that mindset, the changing sounds coming from the ship just don't make sense to me. Then I scratch my head as to why he does it every day if it doesn't have any effect, but it doesn't make me curious enough to keep reading. When I get to Harold's first thought, I discover that he really is the most boring character in history, and what's more -I don't even like him-. That's where you really lose me.

When people say your story starts too slow, I think the problem is really that your story starts with a tone completely different from where you want to take it, and you spill too much ink moving from dull, boring Harold to the humor of absurd pranks being pulled on him (also because I don't think the changing gunshot sound gag works). Who would think this was a comedy from reading the first 13? But that's what it is.

I won't comment on the story as a whole since this is a first 13 crit, but consider starting off with Harold lifting his rife in the very first sentence (and for the very first time), and use the gun gag from the last passage here, instead. I think that might set the tone better,

quote:

---

Just one quick comment... otherwise, I'm hooked.

quote:Yesterday it was the dinging of a bell from a carnival game, the day before, a woman screamed.

The grammar shifts tense -- "dinging" vice "screamed". You may consider making them both the same -- "Yesterday, it was a bell dinging. The day before, a woman screaming." OR "Yesterday it was the dinging of a bell. The day before, a woman screaming."

---

This is not a tense issue. Rather, it's an issue of parallel form. The reader expects a certain symmetry. So:

Yesterday, it was the dinging of a bell... the day before ["it was" is expected here] a woman screamed.

quote:

---

Okay, this is bugging me, so...

---

Wow...good thing I didn't do something heinous like split an infinitive. Sorry I bugged you.

"was dinging" -- past progressive; "screamed" - past (simple past)... they're different for no good reason - that was my point. It was distracting. If it's faulty "parallelism", then fine. Got it. Thanks.

quote:

---

Just one quick comment... otherwise, I'm hooked.
quote:Yesterday it was the dinging of a bell from a carnival game, the day before, a woman screamed.

The grammar shifts tense -- "dinging" vice "screamed". You may consider making them both the same -- "Yesterday, it was a bell dinging. The day before, a woman screaming." OR "Yesterday it was the dinging of a bell. The day before, a woman screaming."

---

quote:

---

This is not a tense issue. Rather, it's an issue of parallel form. The reader expects a certain symmetry. So:

Yesterday, it was the dinging of a bell... the day before ["it was" is expected here] a woman screamed.

Otherwise, it sounds as if the woman's screaming is unrelated to the dinging of a bell.

---

I changed that blurb. Regardless how you want to classify it, it's obviously is wrong. In fact, I will probably change the enitire opening. Khahlan is correct. The opening doesn't have the hook that this piece needs. I plan on printing it to day to meet a deadline but what do you think of this?

quote:

---

Harold Travis opened his front door a crack and poked the barrel of his rifle through the gap. He did a quick scan of the area. No flaming bags on his welcome mat. No signs of toilet paper, or any other similar type of decoration, hanging off his roof. No buckets of liquid in position to dump on his head. The Nagoona already pulled these pranks on him once. They never did the same thing twice but one could never be too cautious.
He kicked the door wide and swung his rifle from side to side. Nothing jumped out at him. He probed the floorboards of his front porch, half expecting a trap door or something to spring up. Nothing. Harold step off his porch and onto his bone-dry land, peering up at the city-sized purple monstrosity that was still in the same position it had been for the past year.

---

The Nagoona already pulled these pranks on him once. They never did the same thing twice but one could never be too cautious.

The first of these sentences is redundant, as the only information contained is who are pulling the pranks. It felt a little like we were being told for our benefit, not the story's. Melding it with the next sentence would improve it. E.g.

"The Nagoona never pulled the same prank twice, but one could never be too cautious."

Harold step off his porch and onto his bone-dry land, peering up at the city-sized purple monstrosity that was still in the same position it had been for the past year.