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Author Topic: Oreana-Fantasy-5,860 words
Merlion-Emrys
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Well I finally have my own Internet again, at long last. Having been without for so long I feel a powerful urge to post something, so heres the first 13 of a WIP.

Comments on the begining and offers to read the whole thing once finished are apreciated.


Lieric heard the first cry just as he crested the rise. It was a woman’s voice, crying in pain. The sound was high and brittle in the cold darkness, but there was indignation in it as well.
He shook his head, and closed his eyes as he came over the ridge. He didn’t want to see. Whatever was happening, he didn’t want to know, didn’t want to become involved.
As he felt himself come over the rise, the great Spear strapped across his back quivered, and Lieric knew there would be no escaping involvement. Just like always.
He opened his eyes and saw three men standing over a woman who lay on the ground, propped up by one arm, the other flung across her face.


Here's a different version


Lieric heard the first cry as he crested the rise. It was a woman’s voice, crying in pain. The sound was high and brittle in the cold darkness.
He shook his head, and closed his eyes. He didn’t want to see. Whatever was happening, he didn’t want to know, didn’t want to become involved. Nevertheless, just then, the great Spear strapped across his back quivered, and Lieric knew there would be no escaping involvement. Just like always.
He opened his eyes. Three men stood over a woman who lay on the ground, propped up by one arm, the other flung across her face. The man nearest her raised a wooden club and brought it down across her arm with a dull thud. The woman cried out again, and fell flat.

[This message has been edited by Merlion-Emrys (edited January 20, 2009).]


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Omakase
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There were a few things that didn't quite click with me on this opening.

The biggest problem was the repetition of the action of Lieric hitting the top of the hill: he crested the rise, then he came over the ridge, then he felt himself come over the rise.
If the first sentence says he crested the rise, then as a reader I don't expect him to do it again. I think you mean these to all be simultaneous but it doesn't read that way. Also, the last "felt himself come over the rise" is weakly worded-- taking a strong action and passivating it.

In the third sentence I do not follow the "but there was indignation as well" (but being the operative word) since indignation doesn't except "high and brittle" as they have no relation.

Lastly, would Lieric really close his eyes? Whether he's walking or riding (not clear which) he's moving directly toward perceived danger so this action felt a little odd to me.

Lastly, watch the repetitive words -- cry/crying involve/involvement -- so close together.

[This message has been edited by Omakase (edited December 31, 2008).]

[This message has been edited by Omakase (edited December 31, 2008).]


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monstewer
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Hi Merlion and welcome back Feel free to send me the whole thing once it's done.

Lieric heard the first cry just as he crested the rise Would be stronger without the redundant "just".

The sound was high and brittle in the cold darkness, but there was indignation in it as well. Not sure this adds a lot to the opening. To me, a woman's voice crying in pain is a strong enough statement without this addition.

He shook his head, and closed his eyes as he came over the ridge. If he didn't want to see, why doesn't he just turn around and go another way around the ridge? To me, having the guy walk towards the sound and then seem surprised that he has to become involved seems a little strange.

He opened his eyes and saw three men standing over a woman who lay on the ground, propped up by one arm, the other flung across her face. Too static, I want more sense of movement here, more immediacy to drag the reader into the excitement and tension of the scene.



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Tiergan
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Hi Merlion and welcome back, did you bring any of your cookies or other desserts or is that deserts? My spelling is terrible.

Love the first line, sets the stage for me quickly.(I would lose "just" though) The second and third line I might suggest joining. I say this because the word "was", most times it can be replaced for a more powerful voice, or thought. While "was" is often mistaken for passive, it is not always the case, but in my experience "was" is easily replaced with a stronger wording. "Lieric heard the first cry as he crested the rise. The woman's voice, high and brittle cut through the cold darkness ...

I agree that the, cresting the rise, coming over the ridge, and feeling himself come over the rise is confusing. I don't think you need the last 2 and it would read stronger, and allow us to cocentrate on the sense of dread that he is feeling not wanting to interfere but knowing he really has no choice in the matter.

My last nit, would be the last line,..and saw three men. I would suggest 2 sentences. He opened his eyes. Three men stood over a woman laying on the ground, propped up by one arm, the other flung across her face. --In Lierics pov we don't need to know he saw, we assume it. I think it reads stronger with out saw.

I hope this helps. I suggest concentrating on the conflict versus the rise. The first sentence set it and was enough for me. Good luck.


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Merlion-Emrys
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Added a different version of the first 13
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Christian
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I like the 2nd 13 much better. I wasn't sure why I didn't like the 1st 13, but the comments made before mine were spot-on. The 1st 13 took me out of the action then brought back to repeat them (the going over the hill 3 x's). The current 13 reads quicker and smoother. And it made me wonder about Lieric's quivering spear...no, not in that way.
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Merlion-Emrys
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LOL...the spear was actually the genesis of the idea for the character etc but its winding up not playing as large a part as I had thought it would
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AmieeRock
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I liked your second 13 alot better, too. Only one thing,
quote:
Nevertheless, just then, the great Spear

I'd take out the 'just then'. Both seem redundant. I think using 'nevertheless' does a good job of indicating that the spear has a will separate from Lieric's. I am certainly interested in knowing more about Lieric. Nice job. Need a reader, let me know.

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Christian
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yeah, AimeeRock is correct about "just then". remove that and you're golden. I am curious to find out what happens next though. don't leave us hangin.

[This message has been edited by Christian (edited January 21, 2009).]


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Nick T
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Hi,

We have totally different tastes in stories, but it's probably about time I got around to critiquing one of your pieces. Send it through if you want to a review from my POV.

Cheers,

Nick

[This message has been edited by Nick T (edited January 21, 2009).]


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RDF
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Hi Merlion-Emrys

Just a few thoughts and suggestions on your 13 lines:

I prefer the second version to the first. The remainder of my suggestions reflect my bias and personal preferences.

Just a personal preference but "It was a woman’s voice, crying in pain" sounds better to me without the "it". Perhaps "The cry was a woman's voice filled with pain." or "a pain-filled woman's voice."

I could do without the "Nevertheless, just then" and I would break the "Great Spear and Escaping involvement" stuff into two sentences. I would also lose the "Just like always." sentence. Just my opinion of course. Also, I think the inevitability of obeying the spear could be better indicated than by "Just like always." I am sure you can think of a clever way for him to yield to the spear. (Perhaps a "Who's in charge, me or you?" kind of comment).

Finally, I would break "Three men stood over a woman who lay on the ground, propped up by one arm, the other flung across her face." into at least two sentences. IMHO, action reads better with short sentences.

Overall, I was intrigued by the idea of a spear that compelled its owner to action, perhaps even to "do the right thing."

Thanks for the opportunity to read your thirteen. I found them interesting and enjoyable.

cordially,



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Merlion-Emrys
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quote:
We have totally different tastes in stories


Thats unlikely, because I dont have any one taste in stories. I like, to at least some extent, almost anything with a speculative element...I range from extreme horror,to Lovecraft, to high fantasy, modern fantasy, slipstream etc.


I apreciate your offer, and I'll send it along to everyone who offered once its finished.


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Merlion-Emrys
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Finally finished. Can I get the title changed to Oreana-Fantasy-5,860 words please?
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AmieeRock
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Good on ya! Need a reader, let me know, I'm hooked.
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Merlion-Emrys
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I sent it to you already :-)
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EchoLaughing
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I'd read on! I really like that the character doesn't want to get involved but somehow has to. It's intriging. Especially since it's the spear that does it.

A couple of comments:

"The sound was high and brittle in the cold darkness." -- how can a sound be brittle? It also seems like unecessary description. You could probably just take this part out, and make it something like, "It was a woman’s voice, crying in pain in the cold darkness."

"Nevertheless, just then, the great Spear strapped across his back quivered, and Lieric knew there would be no escaping involvement." -- like the person above said, you could take out the "just then" and it'd read better. Right now it's like a literary stutter-step.


Apart from those things I really liked it. If you like, I'd be happy to keep reading. It sounds promising.


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Brant Danay
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I preferred the second version.

Just some rambling stream-of-consciousness ideas I had that I might as well share:

I think if you can somehow rearrange the words in the third sentence, "brittle darkness" would be a cool description. Maybe it could tie in with the high voice, something akin to shattering the brittle darkness like glass, or something like that. Having said that, a brittle sound is a cool concept too.

"The Spear" in its capitalized form was the big hook for me, as my impression is that it's sentient like Stormbringer in the Elric Saga. If appropriate to the rest of the story, I think it could have a flashier name, such as (poor generic examples, you'll think of something better) Deathspear or Metaspear.

Enjoyable beginning, looks like you're on the right path.

[This message has been edited by Brant Danay (edited January 26, 2009).]

[This message has been edited by Brant Danay (edited January 26, 2009).]


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Merlion-Emrys
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The Spear has another name thats used in the story that your probably familiar with, and I'm pretty sure it has quite a few others besides. Theres a lot of concept behind the spear but only a little bit is touched on so far in this story.
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Brant Danay
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That Spear is pretty damn intriguing, I have to say. Feel free to send the story over to me if you so desire; I'd love to check it out. Nice seeing you again, or typing to you in delayed-time, anyways. Best regards,

Brant

[This message has been edited by Brant Danay (edited January 27, 2009).]


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