posted
I'm kind of stuck here, and I was hoping for some input.
She lay on the ground by the stream. Half her red hair waved like weeds in the water, the other half was caked with dirt and blood. When he saw her lying there, his first instinct was to run away and forget that he had ever been there. He was supposed to be driving the cattle home, and if he didn't hurry his father would bloody his back. Yet he stayed, and wondered. Finally gathering his courage he went to her. He was weak from hunger and beatings, but he still managed to get her out of the water and onto dry ground. Carefully he took off his worn shirt and wet it in the cool water. When the dirt came off he was relived to find only a little of the blood was hers. She moaned and began to move, revived by the care. She opened her eyes. He was startled by how angry and terrified
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited January 03, 2009).]
posted
What happens next? writers block and asking for help I like the concept, though I think you might be over thirteen lines. I'm not sure.
As a reader I would like to know why she is in the condition she is in. Perhaps the boy helps her and she tells her story. I don't suppose he can take her home because it sounds like he is living with an ogre. So maybe he builds a fire where he is to warm her(is it cold there) risking a very bloody back. Her story: Is she a wanted criminal? a princess on the run? A body guard(sounds like she may have combat training)?
Does the boy ever return to be punished or does he instead follow this lady on her journey, perhaps as a porter for her things.
Does he indeed take her home and when MC is going to be punished she stands up for him, maybe leading to him joining her . In any event the story seems to lie in her, the sympathetic character (and the best to tell it from) does indeed seem to be him.
Hope I helped, send more if you want me to look at more and get a better picture.
[This message has been edited by Patrick James (edited January 03, 2009).]
posted
It may help those who are willing to brainstorm with you if you give them a synopsis of what you've figured out so far, instead of just the first 13 lines.
The 13-line rule doesn't apply to synopses, so you can post as much description of the story as you like or need.
posted
I really don't know, I just sat down and wrote the paragraph one day. It's kind of similar to another story I have where the main character has red hair and magical powers and is a queen in hiding, but this feels like a different story. Her lover in that story is a bad guy turned good who joins her cause, and this guy is a downtrodden peasent.
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posted
Okay, so let's ask ourselves a few questions:
Why is this character hiding? Who or what is she hiding from? How did she wind up there? Why was her hair bloody? Is it her blood, or someone else's? If its hers, how did that happen, and why? If not, same questions.
How old is she? How old is he? Young enough to live under his father's roof, clearly. How's that relationship?
He's downtrodden, eh? How downtrodden, and why? Bad laws, taxes, tithes? Some other reason? Speaking of tithes, does his family go to church? Does this world have a church? Is it like the ones we know?
Where/when is this world? If she's a queen, what's the rest of the government like, and what are they doing with the queen gone? Did the rest of the government want it that way? Did the people, or most of them?
As you answer these questions, you'll find the story unfolding. You might find yourself asking even more questions, and that's good, too. Answer them, while you're at it.
posted
Great I'll try that. And to answer an earlier question, the blood is mostly someone elses. I know that she turns out to be a strong woman, and he learns to be a strong man, because I dislike writing your normal generic damsels in distress, but I also dislike writing weak men to make the women seem stronger. I much prefer good people in difficulty weather magic or otherwise who could have chosen to go bad but who become better people in the end.
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posted
It's got a nice hooky start...what the others are saying is where I would head also...it sounds like your MC is the guy so, maybe something of how he is feeling more about the girl..love at first sight, loathing, compassion, he acts compassionately but I can't feel his feelings even though his actions show them...maybe he wants to revive her then finish the job and claim a reward? how's that for a twisted twist...muahahaha
[This message has been edited by honu (edited January 06, 2009).]
posted
I didn't even think of that!! Anyway how it felt when I was writing the fragment was that he was scared, scared of his dad, scared of her, that she might be dead, ect. but he helps anyway, almost as if he can't help himself. I dunno maybe he starts out getting swept along by events, but in the end learns to take charge. Yeah. Cool. And I know at some point in the story I want the abusive dad to be brought low.
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posted
Somebody comes out of the closet with a gun.
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Rob Roy
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posted
quote:She lay on the ground by the stream. Half her red hair waved like weeds in the water, the other half was caked with dirt and blood.
Okay, the half-and-half bit about the hair is a bit clunky. Apart from that, this is a great start. The story has me hooked.
As for what should happen next: you've got some idea where it's all supposed to end up, right? And you've got a well-developed backstory; the action is well under way. The question is not, what happens next? But, what is the trajectory of the action?
Here's a suggestion that has helped me: write up a "cast of characters," purely for your own use. Describe each of them in a paragraph, their strengths and weaknesses and their key contributions to the plot. Not just the two you have told us about, but the boy's father, the girl's assailant, and anyone else who has brought matters to the present pass. Now ask yourself: with these characters, do you have all the equipment you need to get you where you want to go? If so, then let them do what comes "naturally" to them. If not, then design another character (or more than one) who is equipped to resolve the conflict, and work out how you are going to introduce him/her into the action.
Sometimes we get too hung up on plot (I know I do) when the real key to what is going on is in the characters themselves. Don't try to force the pace; put them in the situation, let them do what they must do, given who they are, and see if that solves your problem.
posted
Very good exercise. I really don't know where I expect this story to go. I was writing merrily along in my notebook when my baby daughter started to cry and I had to interupt myself to take care of her and when I came back I had lost the flow. What you suggest is a good way to get it going again. Let's see, Hmmm. Well, the charachter I know the most about is the guy. He's about 15, maybe sixteen, young enough to still be cowed by his abusive father, but old enough to be on the verge of questioning the guy's right to treat him that way. I know that he works hard, and is compasionate, otherwise, why help someone he doesn't know? As for the girl, I think she lost her memory, but gets flashes that scare her. I do know that she was fighting for her life, to the point that she attacked the young man, not knowing if he was a friend or foe. I don't know much about the father yet except that he abuses his son. No mother I think. And I do want there to be romance, but not nessesarily between the two already introduced. Anyway, this is a good start, thank you! Posts: 102 | Registered: Aug 2005
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I'm no expert on "clunky" but I have a few preferences you might consider (all IMHO):
"She lay on the ground by the stream."
"She lay next to the stream" would have been enough for me.
"Half her red hair waved like weeds in the water, the other half was caked with dirt and blood."
I would forget the "half" business, wave her hair in the stream and cake her face with dirt and blood instead.
"When he saw her lying there, his first instinct was to run away and forget that he had ever been there."
Maybe he could stumble onto her, and suppress his fear. I don't understand the motivation to forget he had ever been there. Perhaps it is connected with the next lines.
"He was supposed to be driving the cattle home, and if he didn't hurry his father would bloody his back. Yet he stayed, and wondered. Finally gathering his courage he went to her."
I would shorten all this to something along the line that if he did not hurry with the cattle, his father would bloody his back, perhaps with a twinge for the old injuries and the resolve that he was strong enough to bear a few more bruises.
"He was weak from hunger and beatings,"
Tell me instead that he hasn't eaten since yesterday, yet manages to tug and pull her from the mud to dry grass or such. I did not have the impression that she was actually in the water: See your first line.
"Carefully he took off his worn shirt and wet it in the cool water. When the dirt came off he was relived to find only a little of the blood was hers."
Was there a wound or scratches? How does he know that little of the blood is hers?
"She moaned and began to move, revived by the care. She opened her eyes."
I really don't like the "began to move" when "moved" would do the job. I would cut the "revived by care" and I like "Her eyes opened" better, simply my preference for the boy's POV.
"He was startled by how angry and terrified..."
I don't have the rest so this sentence, so my comment may be inappropriate but I prefer action: Have her flail at him or yell or do something to show her angry terror, and document his physical reaction. I would prefer to see him startled, and I must wonder how the POV learns that she is angry and terrified.
The situation sounds intriguing. I don't know if you had some genre considerations (SF or F) etc. because that might suggest the type of person, background, or powers connected with the girl. If she's older, she might be the boy's mother or sister returning home after a long absence. If she's his age, she may be exiled for her "power" or injured by an escape.
I probably haven't been a big help, but I hope you find something useful in this rambling.
cordially
[This message has been edited by RDF (edited January 27, 2009).]
posted
Actually there is a bit more I didn't have room to post about how she knockes him over and pins him down by the throat, leaving him only enough air to answer her question about his name. Then she faints, and he wants to run away, but he is drawn to her because even though she attacked him she still seems scared. And thanks for reminding me about the cows, I need to fix that so they arn't wandering around.
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posted
okay, So I've been thinking about this. About the girl I know that she is not royal, but highborn. I think she ran away and became a soilder, got training in how to kick butt and all that stuff, then she found out something, I'm not sure what. Anyway she had to flee for her life and the guys she can point to almost manage to kill her, in fact they think she's dead. She meets this guy, who pulls her out of the stream and finds out that she's not as badly injured as her attackers think she is. He ends up leaving with him, prefering life on the run to live being beaten all the time. He gets stronger all the time, which once in a while bugs her because isn't she the strong one? How does that sound?
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how's that for a twisted twist...muahahaha
