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Author Topic: Scotch and Stories / Sci-fi/ 1100 words/ Part of "Rhinoplast" series
honu
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Hi guys///another "Rhinoplasty" story//looking for readers//
quote:
The warm glow from Old Beastie was felt by all of us in Air Marshall (AM) Takahashi's office. An hour earlier he'd handed me my a** in a fight, now we were best friends.
He told me that I was at a disadvantage. He was probably right. He was some kind of master in Okinawan Karate. Even though I was twenty years younger, sixty pounds heavier, and had a foot of height on him, he'd made short work of me.
I got up to pour myself another scotch, again noticing the ancient blaster and wicked looking pig-sticker of a serrated sword hanging over the cold chest where the scotch was kept. “Sir, if I may ask, what's the story of these weapons?”
The AM looked at me a little blurry-eyed. For a minute I thought he wasn't going to answer, then he spoke very quietly.


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Gan
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Hey Honu. Up to more stories I see

A couple things stuck out, that I thought I'd share.

quote:
The warm glow from Old Beastie was felt by all of us in Air Marshall (AM) Takahashi's office.

This sentence feels a bit passive.

quote:
He was some kind of master in Okinawan Karate.

I personally think this sentence should read: "He was a master in Okinawan Karate."

I don't feel the "Some kind of" is necessary.

quote:
I got up to pour myself another scotch, again noticing the ancient blaster and wicked looking pig-sticker of a serrated sword hanging over the cold chest where the scotch was kept.

This sentence feels a bit run-on. Perhaps some commas, or a sentence split?

quote:
“Sir, if I may ask, what's the story of these weapons?”

If they're best friends, why is he calling him "Sir?" I can't imagine best friends addressing each other so formally.

quote:
For a minute I thought he wasn't going to answer, then he spoke very quietly.

The bold doesn't work very well for me personally. Perhaps a change in the way it reads. Might be personal preference.

I liked it, despite the comments above. You're still improving, so keep at it.


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RDF
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Hi Honu,

Gan addressed most of my style concerns, so I only have a few suggestions.

"The warm glow from Old Beastie was felt by all of us in Air Marshall (AM) Takahashi's office."

A warm glow filling the office is sufficient for me. I don't get the passive "felt by all of us" bit.

"He told me that I was at a disadvantage. He was probably right. He was some kind of master in Okinawan Karate. Even though I was twenty years younger, sixty pounds heavier, and had a foot of height on him, he'd made short work of me."

Something like "He revealed his advantage. He was a master..."
is more direct.

"I got up to pour myself another scotch, again noticing the ancient blaster and wicked looking pig-sticker of a serrated sword hanging over the cold chest where the scotch was kept."

More direct: "I poured myself..." "...where he kept the scotch."

“Sir, if I may ask, what's the story of these weapons?”
The AM looked at me a little blurry-eyed. For a minute I thought he wasn't going to answer, then he spoke very quietly."

Do you really need "little" or "very?"

Interesting atmosphere. Good luck with it.

Cordially,
Ron



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Bent Tree
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You had me at,

quote:
ancient blaster and wicked looking pig-sticker of a serrated sword

I would make this the opening line. It is a hell of an inciting moment. Just a thought. I liked this


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tnwilz
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This has a lot of personal style to it. Having your own unique style of writing is great as long as your uniqueness works fluidly. And this does. Your narration has a slightly sarcastic/ tongue-in-cheek style and yet still progresses a story well. I could read this style without issue as long as the story idea was a good one.

Tracy


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Takayuki_Shibou
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I'm quite fond of this passage Honu. Most of the quips I had were addressed by other people, but I'd definitely keep reading.
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