Hatrack River Writers Workshop Post New Topic  Post A Reply
my profile login | register | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » Red Wolf Moon (Supernatural Suspense, 7300 words)

   
Author Topic: Red Wolf Moon (Supernatural Suspense, 7300 words)
philipmcclelland
Member
Member # 8494

 - posted      Profile for philipmcclelland   Email philipmcclelland         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Hi, I'm interested in feedback on the first 13 lines and/or the whole short story. Here is the beginning. Thanks, Philip.

Tommy was constantly aware of the red gaslight blinking on the dashboard. He had been speeding down the 15 in his Honda Civic going through Nevada on his way to San Diego. The air conditioner was barely spewing out lukewarm air. The radio announcer out of Henderson, Nevada crackled through the speaker that they hadnít seen this hot of a scorcher in April since í89 when the mercury boiled at 106 degrees.
This isnít good, Tommy thought. There hasnít been a single gas station for almost three hours. Well, that wasnít true. The only gas station on the road he did pass looked like it had been built during the discovery of fossil fuel. The dilapidated sign outside the gas station said simply GAS in crooked letters and $9.36 unleaded. Tommy kept driving.

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited February 22, 2009).]


Posts: 10 | Registered: Feb 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Bent Tree
Member
Member # 7777

 - posted      Profile for Bent Tree   Email Bent Tree         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Tommy was constantly aware of the red gaslight blinking on the dashboard. He had been speeding down the 15 in his Honda Civic going through Nevada on his way to San Diego.

Overall this piece seemed a might wordy. This line for example could be rewritten:

'Damn. Tommy eyed the gaslight on the dash of his Civic. San Diego was 35 miles ahead and he hadn't seen a station in thirty minutes.'

There didn't seem to much of a hook besides the neon sign which in a way feels cliche. I would consider reworking this a bit to avoid that cliche as it is the first and sometimes only thing a slush reader sees before casting a verdict.


Posts: 1864 | Registered: Jan 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Dogmatic
Member
Member # 8425

 - posted      Profile for Dogmatic   Email Dogmatic         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I'd have to agree with Bent Tree. Some of your choice of words seems to halt the sentences. For example constantly, barely, even Tommy thought might sound better as thought Tommy.

I would only call it a Gas Station once, then station after that since you use the word GAS in the same sentence. You tell us twice that you're in Nevada.

I didn't find any hook to it that kept my interest but I would keep working on it. Let us know if you post a rewrite.

Thanks for sharing!
Steve


Posts: 48 | Registered: Jan 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Kitti
Member
Member # 7277

 - posted      Profile for Kitti   Email Kitti         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Random question: are gas stations really that few and far between on such a major highway? I've never driven it, so I haven't a clue. In 3 hours, I would assume he's gone something like 180 miles and my poor car only gets about 200 miles on a tank. I would think on a highway, they'd have a few more gas stations, esp. given how many people (like me!) drive old clunkers.

Best case scenario in a Civic is you've got what... 12-13 gallon tank and maybe somewhere in the 20-30 mpg range?

Also, if there were more gas stations but he'd gone past them, I'd probably get more/faster insight into your character, since he'd be reacting or thinking about why he had waited so long to gas up.

But if I'm totally wrong and 15 really just doesn't have that many gas stations, remind me never to take that route! :-)

[This message has been edited by Kitti (edited February 21, 2009).]


Posts: 715 | Registered: Nov 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
philipmcclelland
Member
Member # 8494

 - posted      Profile for philipmcclelland   Email philipmcclelland         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Thank you for your feedback. I'm actually happy about where the story goes, but I've found that the front of my story doesn't bring you into the action fast enough. I'm going to take it back to the drawing board.

And yeah, last time I was on the 15 was about 5 years ago and the gas stations were that far apart. You wouldn't have thought it was like that but it was.

Thanks for your thoughts. Phil


Posts: 10 | Registered: Feb 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

Quick Reply
Message:

HTML is not enabled.
UBB Codeô is enabled.
UBB Code™ Images not permitted.
Instant Graemlins
   


Post New Topic  Post A Reply Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Hatrack River Home Page

Copyright © 2008 Hatrack River Enterprises Inc. All rights reserved.
Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is prohibited.


Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classic™ 6.7.2