posted
Okay, I'm back! I got my hands on the story and ripped it up one side and down the other. I tried to add a bit of atmosphere and I think finally found my MC's voice. I think it's finally done! Now to throw it on the mercy of the court! Meaning, of course, that I'd like some readers if anyone is still interested. The word count sits at 921. (Bent Tree and philipmcclelland: I already sent it your way)
And now that I've edited the crap out of it, here's the first 13:
The horde shifts like filth in a flooded storm drain. We are driven only by the instinct to gorge. In the twilight, our shuffling steps and distorted utterances echo against the canyon walls. An inhuman scream comes from above, followed by an earthshaking thump nearby. I lurch toward the noise, maddened by the smell of blood. My ragged nails tear into the stallion’s warm and broken body. I choke the bloody flesh down my dry, ill-used throat. I rip into its belly. The others crowd in, shoving me aside. Snarling, I clutch my dripping prize. My teeth sink into the offal. The feel of my mouth filling with blood and entrails sickens me, but fighting against my “brothers”, I devour it. Blood and fluids drip down my face and chest as unchewed intestines slither down my unlubricated esophagus.
Thanks guys! Oh, and Unforeseen Circumstances is just the working title.
[This message has been edited by melme54 (edited March 31, 2009).]
Where is the story going? i think that you have spent a little long on describing the attack on the horse at the expense of direction. As I was reading I thought ot myself 'Yeah, I got it--zombie eats horse--what next?"
One nit would be to change inhuman to unhuman. It's only horsemeat, after all. Maybe its just me, but I associate inhuman with a demon or other creature.
Another is that the MC gorges itself on flesh and blood when it gets to the horse swallowing down a dry ill-used throat. When it drags away its treasure of intestines, again it swallows down an un-lubricated esophagus. Didn't the blood earlier sort of, well, lubricate it?
The flow is good. The imagery is vivid. There isn't really a hook, but the setting is what drives a reader on.
posted
Okay, so I got the grotesqueness of the scene right at least! That was harder to achieve than I thought.
First, skadder, I'm kind of trying to put you into the "zombie's" head, so a lack of direction is kind of par for the course considering their nature. Would you read on or is the lack of direction niggling enough that you'd stop here?
And Owasm all I can say is D'OH! Thanks for picking up on unlubricated bit, I didn't even think of that and you're the first to notice! As for "unhuman" vs "inhuman", I had originally written unhuman, but my spell check told me it wasn't a word and silly me, I believed it... I'm thinking maybe nonhuman, but that seems to break up the flow of the sentence a little. Hmm... I'll think about it.
[This message has been edited by melme54 (edited April 02, 2009).]
posted
A seemingly directionless story would be off-putting...Goals for characters are an important part of the story and provide motivation for a reader. Obviously in an intor you may not be introducing and major goals, but you may hint at goals or create a unspoken question (...he held his breath when there was a creak on the stairs.).
Conflict, both internal and external, is another important component and creates goals for characters.
The intro is where you create a contract with a readers...a lack of direction could put readers off.
posted
Well done. You definetly depicted the grotesque perfectly. I also loved the imagery in the opening line, it conjured the bizarely natural and yet vile movement of a zombie horde. As for the lack of direction in the opening, as a reader I latched onto the line "The feel of my mouth filling with blood and entrails sickens me, but fighting against my “brothers”, I devour it." This line (and the quality of the writing) are what would keep me reading. A zombie who is sickened by his own actions but continues on? I don't know if this is the crux of your story or not, but it certainly intrigued me. If it is where you are going with the story, emphasizing it a bit more in the opening may give the reader a better sense of direction. Though I am not saying you should make it too heavy handed, "meet bob the reluctant zombie." I think you can maintain the current subtlety while also making the internal conflict more prominent.
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posted
Thanks bemused, you hit the nail on the head. I couldn't figure out how to put it! I'm going for subtlety, but maybe I'm being a little too subtle. I'm trying to set up from the beginning that the MC is different from the others.
Oh and "Bob the reluctant zombie"? lol! There's a story in the making! (-_^)
posted
I think the pacing of this opening could be slowed down a little for better effect. With it all being condensed into one paragraph and so many sentences starting with "I", "We" and "My" it reads a little too quickly and loses some impact because of it.
Looks good so far though and I'll be glad to look at the whole thing if you're still after readers.
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I got my hands on the story and ripped it up one side and down the other. I tried to add a bit of atmosphere and I think finally found my MC's voice. I think it's finally done! Now to throw it on the mercy of the court! Meaning, of course, that I'd like some readers if anyone is still interested. The word count sits at 921. (Bent Tree and philipmcclelland: I already sent it your way)
That was harder to achieve than I thought. 
As for "unhuman" vs "inhuman", I had originally written unhuman, but my spell check told me it wasn't a word and silly me, I believed it... I'm thinking maybe nonhuman, but that seems to break up the flow of the sentence a little. Hmm... I'll think about it.
