posted
Alright, this novelette is a bit hefty. Here are the first 13. If you want to give it a read let me now and I'll drop you an email.
First 13:
It all ended in a flash. The cold blade sliced through the body of the Wereling in one, clean strike. It hasn’t evolved much… Alara thought as she swung out to clean her blood-drenched sword. Thick blotches of red lay splattered across the snow-white ground, staining like crimson tears smearing a pale face. Alara sheathed her weapon, with a shrill metallic click, and cast a sharp glance toward the villagers. They had scurried into their homes just like the craven cowards they were. Slowly, they left their rickety cottages and came closer to make sure that the monster lay dead in a pool of its own blood. Their eyes grew large in awe when they saw that the Wereling has been sliced into two pieces and that Alara remained unscathed, and pretty like a midnight dream.
Just a couple of things that I felt could be changed, to run smoother if anything and stop questions from popping up in my mind.
It all ended in a flash. The cold blade sliced through the body of the Wereling in one, clean strike. It hasn’t evolved much… Alara thought as she swung out to clean her blood-drenched sword.("It hasn't evolved much" This takes me out of the moment, and I feel it is disconnected to anything going on. Doesnt really add anything) Thick blotches of red lay splattered across the snow-white ground, staining like crimson tears smearing a pale face. Alara sheathed her weapon, with a shrill metallic click, and cast a sharp glance toward the villagers. They had scurried into their homes just like the craven cowards they were. Slowly, they left their rickety cottages and came closer to make sure that the monster lay dead in a pool of its own blood.("..in a pool of its own blood" I think should be taken out. If anything I would think the villagers would just want to make sure the monster was dead, they probably could care less if it was in a pool of its own blood or a pool of jello, right?) Their eyes grew large in awe when they saw that the Wereling has been sliced into two pieces and that Alara remained unscathed, and pretty like a midnight dream.("...and pretty like a midnight dream" I got the idea that the villagers had seen Alara previously, before they ran into their houses, this ending makes it sound like they are seeing her for the first time.) ------
those are the only things, and they are only nagging at me, not turning me off of the story. My perspective is more on the flow of the writing as everything else looks solid to me (a hook, interesting character, helpless villagers) and these are just area's that are breaking it for me.
I'd be happy to look over the first chapter if you like, I can't really promise to read more at this time.
[This message has been edited by Devnal (edited February 11, 2010).]
posted
The things that particularly struck me about this were: 1). "It hasn't evolved much" is a very weird thing to think afterkilling soething. Hopefullly there will be some explanation of that (and perhaps the particular choice of "evolved", which has some connotations that I'm not sure re intentional - I suspect, but could be wrong, that "changed" would better reflect the character's thought processes). 2). Alara's sword must be made of something mighty peculiar (or Wereling blood is mighty peculiar) if she can clean it with just a swing, rather than wiping it on something. 3). "Crimson tears smearing a pale face" - but you've already told us the blood was red (which blood usually is) and the ground was snow-white (which snow usually is), so in effect you are repeating yourself. Do away with one set of adjectives, if not even the whole simile. 4). Craven cowards is a tautology. 5). Why are their cottages rickety? Unless they have genuinely and for good reason been built in a hurry... well, no-one by choice builds something to live in and makes it rickety. 6). I'm not a great fan, personally, of cowardly peasants en masse who display collective awe towards someone who can use a sword. I'd hope there are good, speciic, and explicit reasons to come for this attitude. Otherwise it feels like a form of classism. Posts: 1469 | Registered: Jun 2005
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posted
Hi, Apart from what the others have picked up:
quote:It all ended in a flash
“all” is redundant in this context.
quote:The cold blade sliced through the body of the Wereling in one clean strike.
The meaning isn’t essentially changed if you remove the words in bold.
quote:Alara sheathed her weapon, with a shrill metallic click , and cast a sharp glance toward the villagers
. For me, “a shrill metallic click” isn’t the right sound description (a click is a short sharp sound) and I don’t think it’s that important to describe the sound.
Instead of “cast a sharp glance” how about directly describing the villagers coming out of their huts so we’re deeper in POV?
quote:Their eyes grew large in awe when they saw that the Wereling has been sliced into two pieces and that Alara remained unscathed, and pretty like a midnight dream.
The “in awe” is probably implied if their eyes grow large. Removing “pieces” doesn’t really change the meaning of the sentence and the same with “that.”
I don’t think the simile “pretty like a midnight dream” is specific enough to justify its inclusion. Midnight dreams can be all kinds of things (pretty, terrifying, lustful, etc.), so it doesn’t actually give me a very good picture of what Alara looks like.
Regards,
Nick
[This message has been edited by Nick T (edited February 12, 2010).]
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