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Hi. Again, not sure if this the right way to do this but I posted the first 13 in a different post and am wondering if anybody was willing to read the whole story?
I'll put the first 13 again as it's changed since my last post:
Perhaps a country without folk? Solitary islands. Adrift, alone? He would kill them all if he could. - Anon
Hope is a tickle in the heart. The promise that somebody, somewhere will want you though nobody ever will. Because it must be that every man has a place in the universe. That's what I believe. Doc shatters my faith with a verbal blow. “No,” he says, simple word which makes me want to flee his office. “At least, not until you prove yourself.” I breathe again. So it's not impossible. He just wants to come off hard-edged. Tough. Doc takes a sip of coffee as dark as he is, a man sporting that eroded look common in weather-beaten migrants to alien climes. "Initiation into the colony is .......
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I will look at it. I liked your original opening much, MUCH better. I'm not a big fan of poetry at the beginning of a short story - the space is prime realestate and the short lines (of another's work no less) tend to gum-up everything. I firmly believe editors want to see your work (but not your poetry either) in the opening lines.
Send it to me, but PLEASE consider going back to the original opening!!! The last line was my only real objection to that start.
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Oh, I should have mentioned that it's not a quotation from another person's work. Totally fictional words of my own devising. Any tips for making that more clear? Posts: 30 | Registered: Feb 2011
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I agree with philo. Your previous entry was much stronger. This doesn't flow as well and has abstract concepts instead of concrete description and dialog.
Posts: 475 | Registered: Jul 2010
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Also, After reading the previous feedback for my first 13 lines, I've reverted the intro back to what it was except I've changed the last few lines.
I won't post it as I'm still not sure what constitutes 13 lines exactly. My last post was edited so my idea of 13 lines is probably not correct.
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