posted
Hello! This is a fantasy novel in progress. I just want to know if you would read further. Thanks!
Drip. Ashly flinched as another cold drop ran between her shoulder blades. She shook it off and leaned forward, hitching up her parka. The cold outside air washed her in cedar, clearing her mind, and as she breathed, her breathe stirred the burned scent of the hollowed redwood in which she huddled. The rain curtained down, blurring the world and confusing her sense of time, but she knew it had been at least four hours since she left home, which meant she had one hour, maybe two, left of daylight. She wiped her face on her sleeve and pulled back into her cave, steeling her mind to give up her last shelter.
[This message has been edited by Amy Treadwell (edited April 18, 2007).]
I really don't know what's going on, or why I should care about Ashly.
The second sentence is long and a little confusing.
About the time
"The rain curtained down..." my mind started to wander.
A couple of questions:
If it's not safe to take shelter for the night -- "She couldn't afford to fall asleep here...the river would be rising"-- how come she's making herself comfortable, instead of keeping on the move until she finds a suitable shelter?
Why is she four hours from home?
I think you need a much stronger hook than the water rising. She can easily do something about it.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited April 17, 2007).]
posted
Not bad at all, have a question and a few nits though.
She is wearing a parka, she is obviously cold so why "...the warmth was her enemy."? Seems like the cold is her enemy - this is not clear.
"The rain curtained down, blurring the world..." Ok good. I've got an image of a full on raging storm - but then you follow this up with "...steeling her mind to resist the soothing, drowsy patter." This seems like a contradiction to the previous quote - unless the storm is breaking. But why let up on the tension? You have a girl in a dangerous situation - amp up the tension a little. If anything, have the rain come down harder.
"...the hollowed redwood in which she huddled, its trunk her refuge." You don't need "...its trunk her refuge." as we all get a good image of how she is huddling in the hollowed trunk. It could also be shortened to "...the hollowed redwood trunk in which she huddled."
"She couldn't afford to fall asleep here." Well yes, we all know that by now. Make it more personal and immediate. Maybe she sings songs, just watches the rain - refuses to lie down for fear of going to sleep. Her actions to avoid sleep are more powerful than just telling us that she could not afford to fall asleep.
As a whole though, this is a nice beginning - I would certainly read on.
[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited April 17, 2007).]
posted
That's what I forgot: The Parka. If it's letting drip down the back of her neck, why would she hike it up? It struck me funny : Is she trying to keep it from getting wet and muddy?Posts: 3687 | Registered: Jan 2007
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posted
I wasn't hooked, and I think that's because you told me about the things that *wouldn't* hook me, like the raaindrops. Something's up with Ashley: either the thing that brought her out here, or (as you say toward the end) that she's lost. I suggest: tell us what that is up front, and don't just hint at it -- put it front and center.
Posts: 2830 | Registered: Dec 2004
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posted
No, I wouldn't read further for many of the reasons others have already said.
But also because the section seemed contraditory. As an example: she's huddled in a partially burnt redwood, presumably the tree, but she pulled back into her cave. Hu?
Also, how can the air :"wash her in cedar?" How can her breath stir the "burned scent of the hollowed redwood?"
The opening "Drip" also drove me a bit crazy. Just tell me it's raining, hard.
posted
Amy - I see you are new here. Once you've posted lines please do not go back and remove/edit them. If you want to post a revised version then add it to the thread.
Changing the original makes the thread useless for anyone reading through the comments.
posted
I really like the poetic--tangible imagery here, the only thing this lacks is an incentive to read on, by that I mean I enjoy the prose but I lack atatchment to the story or the character, there isn't a hook here. I can' tell where this story is headed.
[This message has been edited by Zero (edited April 20, 2007).]
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