posted
some changes - i have kept unchanged the flora and the descriptions of the terrain, as this is a place I am familiar with, and which looks (to me) just as I've described (excepting the historical figures, of course). And, while the river/creek does run down to dribbles in the summer, the hardy plantlife that surrounds it keeps hanging on, year after year. please let me know if the opening reads a little better.
In the dream, she stood on a rocky cliff, mountain bones exposed in stern muscled columns that thrust through sand and scrub. The edge dropped off sharply, with gnarled pinion roots seeming to be the only thing that kept the next striated chunk from slipping off the rock face to join its brothers several hundred feet below. The air was clear and so blue behind the glaring midday sun that it deepened to almost nightfall indigo. On the facing cliff, scaly alligator juniper competed for ground space with wild sage and spindly but brilliant wildflowers. She looked down, into the valley far below her, the space between the cliffs where cottonwood and tumbled brush marked the path of a shallow river, nearly dry in the harsh sun
posted
I haven't read the earlier one, but I can give you my take on this. The first thing that hit me was the discription of the cliff using a muscle metiphore. That I didn't like. I would rather see her do somethig or react to the scenery after a shorter description of it. Also, how does she know it is a dream? can she sense that she is asleep? does she laterremember it and this is what she remembers? Just telling us that it is a dream makes it feel less important, like she may just wake up. It sounds like it is going to be interesting and I like the picture you paint.
Posts: 39 | Registered: May 2007
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posted
This sounds a bit like an environmental report of some kind - in other words, a bit clinical. You could have more impact with a little pruning - while losing nothing.
"She stood on a rocky cliff, mountain bones exposed in stem muscled columns that thrust through sand and scrub. The edge dropped off sharply..." This is awkward and I don't think it really portrays what you want it to.
could be:
"She stood on the ledge of a granite cliff that hurled skyward hundreds of feet above her and plunged beneath her at least as far.
"She looked down, into the valley far below her, the space between the cliffs where cottonwood and tumbled brush marked the path of a shallow river, nearly dry in the harsh sun."
could be: "She looked down into the valley far below. Shrubs and tumbleweeds lined the banks of a dying river."
I'm confused as to whether this dream is supposed to portray a "realistic" dream or fantasy. You describle a glaring sun - but the sky deepens to an indigo nearly as dark as nightfall. With a glaring sun, I can't imagine this - I've only seen an indigo sky around sunrise or sunset.
[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited May 27, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited May 27, 2007).]
posted
do you think it would help if I described her more as trapped in the dream? unabel to stop what she sees happening? that might add a little tension to the scene.
Posts: 1304 | Registered: May 2007
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posted
"Do you think it would help If I described her more as trapped in a dream?"
Ok, yes now you are REALLY on to something!! You are really getting the character involved in the story and hence the reader also. But look, why stop with dreams - way too tame. Why not have her experience night terrors - which I'm sure you know make nightmares seem like ordinary dreams. Geeeez the possibilities are enticing and endless - I want to write that story myself! This could make a riveting story - get busy on it!
By the way I read once that the "Freddy Kruger" movies were based on an actual case in which a person was scared to go to sleep - claiming that someone was after him in his dreams. He stayed awake for days and finally ended up in the hospital and of course finally could not avoid sleep. He died in his sleep. You might want to research this as I can't vouch for the authenticity of the account, but it is interesting and could give you some real valuable information for your story.
[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited May 28, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited May 28, 2007).]
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