posted
Ok, been working on this a bit....... Better?
The sky was as blue as the Freehold flag I had flown since the last time I had come to the Cove to be hung almost a hundred-talon ago. The wind was cold and fresh. It was the wind we had fought for almost a thirty-day to get here.
I could just make out the voices raised in defiant song. My Pirate kin sang me to my rest, daring the Empire to come and get them. They sang ‘hoist the Colors’ the anthem of us “men of bones.”
My eyes fell on the slate grey water at my feet. By high tide, shortly after sunset, the platform I was on would be completely submerged, and they would leave us for the shallow shades.
[This message has been edited by Ellepepper (edited June 18, 2007).]
quote: The sky was as blue as the Freehold flag I had flown since the last time I had come to the Cove to be hung[, almost a hundred-talon ago.[<--A little bit long, could you shorten into two sentences? Suggestion:The sky was as blue as the Freehold flag that I'd flown since I had last been to The Cove. It was almost a hundred-talon ago when last they tried to hang me.] The wind was cold and fresh. It was the wind we had fought for almost a thirty-day to get here.
I could just make out the voices [of my pirate kin,] raised in defiant song. [My Pirate kin sang me to my rest, daring the Empire to come and get them. Maybe:They sang Hoist the Colors, an old theme of we Men of the Bones, as a way to further spit at the Epmire.] They sang ‘hoist the Colors’ the anthem of us [“men of bones.”<--I love this, but I might add a "the": Men of the Bones, as previously done.]
My eyes fell on the slate grey water at my feet. By high tide, shortly after sunset, the platform I was on would be completely submerged, and they would leave [us<--Are the singing pirates being killed, too? If so, it didn't sound like it. Until here, it sounded like the protagonist was alone] for the shallow shades.
Overall, I like it.
I could stand to check out a chapter of this.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited June 18, 2007).]
posted
the only spots I got hung up on was detangling the meaning of "since I came to the cove to get hung" and "the platform i was on . . .they would leave us. Like the title, too. That first sentence I pondered on for a bit, wondering if it was the flag's POV.
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posted
I really liked it. There was a great style and flow to it. I was hooked, and I would read on. You can send me a chapter, if that's what you're looking for.
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posted
To be honest, I was confused at the beginning. I wasn't sure whether a pirate was talking or a flag was relating its story. However, I was hooked enough to read-on, just to see where the story was going. Posts: 5 | Registered: Jun 2007
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posted
Captain shenn is the speaker. He and his five ranking officers are already in the noose, the rest of his crew is chained nearby to watch, the other "Men of Bones," specifically the singers are the pirate captains on their ships looking on. The next couple of sentences explain the us.
Thank you for catching the awkwardness, I was toying around with how to put that thought into words. For those who want chapters, please PM me, The work is unfinished....
[This message has been edited by Ellepepper (edited June 19, 2007).]
posted
I would assume PM equals Private Message. There is no such thing on these boards, however. Maybe a possible future addition? Anways Elle, the middle button next to everyone's names in their posts is for email, which is about the only way we have to contact each other.
For what it's worth, the first few lines are a little obscure in my opinion.
I think...
quote: My eyes fell on the slate grey water at my feet. By high tide, shortly after sunset, the platform I was on would be completely submerged, and they would leave us for the shallow shades.
...would be a great first line.
It grabs me straight away.
edit: heh heh, funny typo I had to correct.
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited June 19, 2007).]
posted
Yeah, I forgot, this group doesn't have Private message, all of the Critique groups I'm in do.... So yes, please E-mail me if you would like chapters..... sorry.
posted
The sky was as blue as the Freehold flag that I'd flown since I had last been to The Cove. It was almost a hundred-talon ago when last they tried to hang me. The wind was cold and fresh. It was the wind we had fought for almost a thirty-day to get here.
I could just make out the voices of my pirate kin, raised in defiant song. They sang Hoist the Colors, an old anthem of us ‘Men of Bones,’ as a way to further taunt the Empire.
My eyes fell on the slate grey water at my feet. By high tide, shortly after sunset, the platform I was on would be completely submerged, and they would leave us, myself and my crew, for the shallow shades.
posted
I think I've read too many versions of this. I like some of the older ones better. This is nice but I second the comment that the last lines:
"My eyes fell on the slate grey water at my feet. By high tide, shortly after sunset, the platform I was on would be completely submerged, and they would leave us, myself and my crew, for the shallow shades,"
would make a better starting point than the current first lines.
He's about to be hung/executed. That's always been the hook for me. That I really like the character's voice too helps a lot but the instant peril will draw me in quicker than the voice. The last version's description of the rope around his neck was pretty compelling.
"I could just make out the voices of my pirate kin, raised in defiant song."
- probably needs a reference to the fact that they are on ships away from the cove. Although, it makes me wonder why the Empire that is executing Shenn isn't chasing the pirates watching the execution. Also if this is the last few lines of the 13 the explainations that follow should flow better.
posted
My eyes fell on the slate grey water at my feet. By high tide, shortly after sunset, the platform I was on would be completely submerged, and they would leave us, myself and my crew, for the shallow shades.
I could just make out the voices of my pirate kin, raised in defiant song. They sang Hoist the Colors from their ships at anchor around the Cove. That song was the anthem of us ‘Men of Bones,’ and a way to further taunt the Empire.
The Empire wouldn’t chase after them since most of the men flew the blue Freehold banner instead of the Flag of Bones.
posted
My eye keeps slipping off your first sentence. I know I could read it, but I'd have to force myself. Here it is:
"The sky was as blue as the Freehold flag I had flown since the last time I had come to the Cove to be hung almost a hundred-talon ago."
Now, I'm going to force myself to read it, and comment as I go.
We are being told the sky is blue. What shade of blue. The shade of blue on the Freehold flag, but we don't know what shade of blue that is, except that it is, presumably, sky blue. Which Freehold flag. Why, the Freehold flag I had flown (constantly?, sporadically?) since...since when? Since I had come (not "came", but "had come") to the Cove (proper name, so we are in the Cove now. And why had we come to the Cove. To be hung. But since flags are sometimes hung, there is a disconnect between whether it is the flag or the protagonist that came to be hung. Almost a hundred-talon ago. So, it's been a long time since we came here to be hung but ever since then we've flown the blue flag of Freehold and it is that blue flag that the sky makes us think of so why does it matter that that we've flown it for a hundred-talon or that we started flying it when we came to the Cove to be hung? It's the same blue isn't it?
There was a young man from Japan Whose limericks never would scan...
posted
I like the most recent revision. Great job clearing it up. I'd say go from there and finish the rest.
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