posted
Title: Crucible and Cauldron Length: 95,000 words (first draft) Readers?: Yes, please!
*************************************************************** Marta giggled as the swing hung at the point where she floated. The man in the white and gold cloak had drawn a few more steps closer. She could only see him when the swing hit the highest point and she could see the road at the bottom of the hill their house sat on.
"Feels like I'm flying," she yelled.
"You're going to fall and break your head," her older sister Rosa said. "Come here and read this to me." She sat closer to their house, bent over the story book Father had given her a few minutes ago.
"I'm going to jump. Bet I can make it to the road."
"Don't!" Rosa shouted.
"Here I go!" ***************************************************************
Thanks to Deb for reminding me to post this. This is the first 13 from my recent novel. It'll be ready to send out in a week or two if anyone is interested. You don't have to read the whole thing, just a few chapters is fine, too.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited October 04, 2007).]
quote:Marta giggled as the swing hung at the point where she floated. The man in the white and gold cloak had drawn a few more steps closer. She could only see him when the swing hit the highest point and she could see the road at the bottom of the hill their house sat on.
Intriguing, but I'm wishing I had more information on the genre, timeframe, planet/country, etc.
quote:"Feels like I'm flying," she yelled.
"You're going to fall and break your head," her older sister Rosa said. "Come here and read this to me." She sat closer to their house, bent over the story book Father had given her a few minutes ago.
I'm wishing I had something to pin their ages.
quote:"I'm going to jump. Bet I can make it to the road."
"Don't!" Rosa shouted.
"Here I go!"
On the initial read I got the impression that Marta can actually fly...
posted
I have an important job interview in a couple hours. When I get back, I'll start sending it out to those who requested. Thanks for the offers.
Meg, thank you for the feedback. Good points. I can work the ages in easily enough (their on the next page, but it's easy to move them up.) I'm not sure how to work in information on the genre and so forth, but I'll see what I can come up with. (Just FYI it's a Fantasy version of Early Modern Italy.)
Quick question, though: what part gave the impression that Marta really could fly? (She can't ... yet. It's actually a bit of sublte foreshadow--but maybe not subtle enough?)
It was the phrasing of "the point where she floated." I would have characterized that as the top of the arc or the point where she became weightless or something. "She floated" spoke of active floating, and I had to read it a couple of times to realize that wasn't what you meant to imply (yet).
Interestingly, I used "the point where she became weightless" in the original, but I changed it because I used the same phrase on the following page and I didn't like the repeat. I'll see what I can do.
posted
maybe it would be clearer if you used the weightless bit on the first mention, and floated on second, as by that time you would already have made clear what you mean.
Posts: 1304 | Registered: May 2007
| IP: Logged |
posted
Okay, emails are sent to those you indicated interest.
Like I said, this is just the rough draft. Grammar will be rough, especially. I'm more interested in impressions on the general story, to be honest--but any feedback, any at all, is greatly welcome.
quote:Marta giggled as the swing hung at the point where she floated. The man in the white and gold cloak had drawn a few more steps closer. She could only see him when the swing hit the highest point and she could see the road at the bottom of the hill their house sat on.
Good beginning. I would leave out the last sentence because it draws away from the tension you first presented with the mystery man.
-Here is my quick edit
quote:Marta gripped onto the swing, and giggled as she briefly hung in the air. She saw a man in a white and gold cloak. He was at the bottom of the hill. And he was getting closer.
Feels like I'm flying," she yelled.
Rosa, her older sister, glanced up from her book. "You're going to fall and break your head."
Marta giggled again and continued to swing higher.
Rosa frowned. "Come here and read this to me."
"I'm going to jump. Bet I can make it to the road."
"Don't!" Rosa shouted.
"Here I go!"
I progressively shortened the sentences in the first paragraph, to try to build tension. It's just my style preference for adding tension without being too intrusive.
[This message has been edited by hteadx (edited October 07, 2007).]
Printer-friendly view of this topic
