When he was a very small boy, Draga had understood the language

[This message has been edited by debhoag (edited October 03, 2007).]

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In the dark, a child's laughter sparked and echoed off the cave walls, and a dragon stirred and opened one gleaming eye. It had been a long winter in hell that he had been caught between sleep and waking, imprisoned by his own ennui and overly sated appetites. But new game had begun to stir; a new pawn to be thrust across the world board. Nurtured carefully along and played well, this pawn would confound both his old mates and his most bitter enemies, and rejuvenate the Dragon's lust for blood and death.

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I know you know enough to understand the cost and return on not naming characters early, and since the italicized part appears to be a prologue, I think it is fine.

However, I was confused by one switch. It moved from "a dragon" to "he". So it goes from generic and non-specific, to specific. That threw me off, because I wasn't sure who the "he" referred to in the second paragraph.

"Gleaming eye" bothered me because you specify that its in the dark. I guess things in the dark could gleam, but it usually implies a light somewhere for the gleaming to happen. Does that make sense? I guess it depends on how dark it is.

And as a matter that is strictly style, laughter and sparked didn't match up well for me. I guess I prefer descriptions that match--visual with visual, auditory with auditory. As I said, though, that's more of a matter of style and preference.

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A long, forked tongue snaked out to taste the winds of change. Soon, he would call his most useful servant, and begin to set the pieces in motion.

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Winds of change brought the old Scorpions song to mind

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When he was a very small boy, Draga had understood the language of horses. The strong, spare music of their speech had flowed around him everywhere except the chambers of his Father's castle.

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I think "very" is somewhat subjective, not really adding much to the description of small boy.

So when he was young, he was around a lot of horses all the time, except when he was in his father's castle? If that's correct, I don't have a problem with the last line. That's the impression it gave me.

These are small nits. None of these break the story. It's a good opening. The prologue promises us a dragon, which has lots of potential for fun, and a child in a cave, which is scary, and then the beginning of an interesting character.

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Lehollis, you just gave me the dragon's name. Scorpyos. Scorpios? Being a scorpio myself, that seemed just too good to pass up. Thanks, and thanks for the comments. Of course, you know dragons glow with their own inner fire, right?

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I'm glad my musings actually led to something. In honor of the dragon, I've got The Scorpions playing on my iTunes now

Interestingly, some scorpions do glow under a blacklight.

Q, Casper, Rodham?

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In the dark, a child's laughter sparked and echoed off the cave walls, and a dragon stirred and opened one gleaming eye. It had been a long winter in hell that he had been caught between sleep and waking, imprisoned by his own ennui and overly sated appetites. But new game had begun to stir;

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I like this, although as always I'm itching to rearrange words...

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...a new pawn to be thrust across the world board. Nurtured carefully along and played well, this pawn would confound both his old mates and his most bitter enemies, and rejuvenate the Dragon's lust for blood and death.

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You've gone all omniscient on me here. I'd prefer a flicker of dragonish tongue and hint that the scaly beast is deeply satisfied with this development, beyond the mere satisfaction of sating his hunger.

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A long, forked tongue snaked out to taste the winds of change. Soon, he would call his most useful servant, and begin to set the pieces in motion.

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OK, so I wanted the tongue just a moment before it magically appeared. The business of "most useful servant, and begin to set the pieces in motion" is omniscient again.

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When he was a very small boy, Draga had understood the language of horses. The strong, spare music of their speech had flowed around him everywhere

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Ooh, this is turning into a novel.
For the first thirteen, you've got a couple of your lengthy sentences there that would have much greater impact if you shortened some of them.

A[/i} child's laughter sparked and echoed off the cave walls[i]. In the dark, a dragon stirred and opened one gleaming eye. For a long hellish winter, he had been caught between sleep and waking, imprisoned by his own ennui and overly sated appetites. But new game had begun to stir; there was a new pawn to be thrust across the world board. Nurtured carefully along and played well, this pawn would confound both his old mates and his most bitter enemies, and rejuvenate the Dragon's lust for blood and death. nice; I like this look inside the dragon's head, so we know what it really thinks and not just what it tells Draga later.