posted
Let me mention how dissatisfied I am with this query. I've done it four times, and it just gets worse. Yes, I know it has no hook. -----------------------------------------------------
Ayzas is a simple hunter and guide in the high mountains of Andoni, living free. When the King is assassinated, her clan refuses to pledge fealty to the usurper, Oruitz, and is put to the sword. Injured, Ayzas escapes the slaughter.
In the town of Laertian where she has taken refuge, a mage arrives to hire her as a guide, but when he is killed his tattoo transfers itself to her. This gives her a powerful yet dangerous magic ability. Then Erlantz, another mage, offers to help her control her ability if she will help him find the missing rightful ruler. Ayzas is convinced that resisting the usurper is useless, but since he is looking for whoever has the tattoo, besides the fact that it may drive her mad, she agrees to help Erlantz. He believes he knows how to track down who has the Prince prisoner, so they begin a long journey working together to both control her abilities and locate the only man who can lead the struggle for the kingdom. To succeed Ayzas must fight her way through a dangerous land, pursued by traitor mages, an army from the usurper, his demon-bred minions called the chanwe, and their sadistic commander, while her most dangerous enemy is the magic within her own mind.
My writing credits include shorts stories published in the October, 2007 issue of Sorcerous Signals and the upcoming December, 2007 issue of the Writers Post Journal.
Ayzas is a complete 90,000 word fantasy. I have considered making this a series in the future. May I send you the complete manuscript? Thanks so much for your time and consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you.
[This message has been edited by JeanneT (edited October 19, 2007).]
My take - tell me up front the name, genre and word count of the novel. Don't reference that it might be a series. If the agent is interested he or she will ask: (1) any other books finished, and (2) what's your plan for your next one? The bio information is good and very helpful. Okay, now on to the meat of it.
quote:
Ayzas is a simple hunter no one wants to read stories about a "simple" or "average" anyone. You might turn off an agent right there and guide in the high mountains of Andoni, living free the mountains live free? . When the King is assassinated, her clan refuses to pledge fealty to the usurper, Oruitz, and is put to the sword. Injured, Ayzas escapes the slaughter. this paragraph all reads like back history. You can trim this down to a sentance and dive into the next paragraph where the story begins. See my suggestion below
In the town of Laertian you can cut the town name where she has taken refuge, a mage arrives to hire her as a guide, but when he is killed his tattoo what does it look like since the tattoo is going to give her away later in the story transfers itself to her Hu? Why her? Some hint about the relationship would be helpful . This gives her a powerful yet dangerous magic ability what ability? Can she control ERMs (Evil Robot Monkeys]?). Then Erlantz, another mage, offers to help her control her ability if she will help him find the missing rightful ruler Why her? . Ayzas is convinced that resisting the usurper is useless, but since he is looking for whoever has the tattoo Why? , besides the fact that it may drive her mad, she agrees to help Erlantz. He believes he knows how to track down who has the Prince prisoner, so they begin a long journey oh no,, not a long journey, why can't journey's be short? working together to both control her abilities and locate the only man who can lead the struggle for the kingdom. To succeed Ayzas must fight her way through a dangerous land, pursued by traitor mages, an army from the usurper, his demon-bred minions called the chanwe, and their sadistic commander this is a list. The demon-bred minons are interesting. Cut the list and tell me about them , while her most dangerous enemy is the magic within her own mind. How? How does it end?
The plot seems to be:
An orphan village girl must restore the rightful heir to the throne. She discovers that she has magical abilities which if not controlled could destroy her. With the help of a mage/mentor, the village girl learns to harness her powers, thwart demon-bred minions and overthrow the usurper.
If that's the main "through line" make sure every sentance of the query (or the later synopsis is working to support it.
Possible streamlining - it will, of course, be wrong on all the specific details but might help in showing a way to bring out the plot.
When her clan is slaughtered for refusing to bow down to a usurper, Ayzas must flee the mountains she loves and take refuge in the city. There she is hired as a guide by a mage with a strange lion tattoo on his face. After a night of hot monkey love, the mage is killed by brigands. Ayzas escapes the ambush only to discovery that she now has the same lion tattoo on her back. When she's cornered by the usurper's demon-bred minions, she transforms into a lion and rips them to shreds.
The tattoo brands her as the one person who can bring down the usurper but the lion within might just drive her insane. Gaining control of her new powers, Ayzas defeats the usurper's demon-bred army and rescues the heir to the throne. Order is restored.
It has been a hard lesson for me to learn in my stuff but you can lose most of the names, places and other actors, including Erlantz. He doesn't seem to do much for the query. Focus on Ayzas and what her challenge is.
Good luck and happy re-writes.
Edit for codes.
[This message has been edited by kings_falcon (edited October 19, 2007).]
posted
Ah. Thanks, falcon. You have some good suggestions, I'd like to mention one thing I disagree with though. I would never do more than hint at the ending in the query. I save that for the synopsis.
My main problem with your take on it is that someone might ask, why should I care? (Of course, someone might well ask that about my version as well. *laughs*)
I kind of disagree that no one wants to read about people who are ordinary. Some of the best books are about ordinary people in extraordinary situations. And like a lot of fantasy readers I'm a bit tired of the "prince raised by the farmer" or the "farm boy fated from birth to save the world." (She doesn't defeat any armies solo and so forth.)
quote:oh no,, not a long journey, why can't journey's be short?
Because it would make for a short book.
(Not intended to be argumentative. I just like talking about the pros and cons of things. )
The reason I refer to Erlantz by name is largely because otherwise it seemed confusing that she got her powers from a dying mage then I refer to another mage.
I do agree with most of your comments, and they will help. I particularly like your sentence: "When her clan is slaughtered for refusing to bow down to a usurper, Ayzas must flee the mountains she loves and take refuge in the city." It's a very good job of streamlining while keeping in the general idea. Thanks again.
Edit: I probably need to hint at her age. She is not a "girl" but a woman. I can't figure out a good way of doing this. Maybe if I just refer to her early on as a woman? But that still leaves it pretty up in the air. She is twenty to be exact.
[This message has been edited by JeanneT (edited October 19, 2007).]
"When her clan is slaughtered for refusing to bow down to a usurper, twenty year old Ayzas must flee the mountains she loves and take refuge in the city"
posted
LOL Nice and straightforward. Sometimes I make things too complicated. ----------------------------------------------------------- Ayzas is an ordinary hunter and guide in the kingdom of Andoni. When her clan is slaughtered for refusing to bow down to a usurper, the twenty-year old woman must flee the mountains she loves and take refuge in a forest.
There she is hired as a guide by a mage with an elaborate tattoo on his face. He commits suicide under strange circumstances, and she touches the body only to discover that she now has the same tattoo. She soon realizes that this has given her the ability to both see and hear what anyone she has touched is thinking and experiencing.
The tattoo brands her as someone dangerous to the usurper, and the constant voices in her head might just drive her insane. Working with the Erlantz, a powerful mage, they try to both control her abilities and locate the missing heir to the throne, the only man who can lead the struggle against the usurper. To succeed Ayzas must fight her way through a dangerous land, pursued by traitor mages, an army from the usurper, his half-demon minions called the chanwe, and their sadistic commander, while her most dangerous enemy is the magic within her own mind.
My writing credits include shorts stories published in the October, 2007 issue of Sorcerous Signals and the upcoming December, 2007 issue of the Writers Post Journal.
Ayzas is a complete 80,000 word fantasy. I have considered making this a series in the future. May I send you the complete manuscript? Thanks so much for your time and consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you.
---------------------------------------
Not exactly smooth and polished yet. It's personal preference to put the title, yada yada at the end.
Think of this story a bit more like a soldier with special abilities in WWII. No one expects them to defeat the entire German Army or kill Hilter. The story is in the struggle and the personal growth along with some exciting fights and reaching a goal at the end.
I can't leave out finding the heir to the throne. This is actually the main conflict of the novel along with the whole controlling her mental abilities thing.
[This message has been edited by JeanneT (edited October 19, 2007).]
posted
Ayzas escapes the ambush only to discovery that she now has the same lion tattoo on her back. When she's cornered by the usurper's demon-bred minions, she transforms into a lion and rips them to shreds.
I'm rather entranced by YOUR plot though. You should write it.
Ayzas' tattoo is trying to kill her. Or get her killed. Whichever comes first.
When the usurper murders the Andonian king and slaughters Ayzas' clan, only Ayzas survives. She escapes to a nearby town where she signs on as guide to a renegade mage on a suicide mission. Now, the slain mage's tattoo has appeared on her face and the usurper wants her dead. To save her life, her sanity, and her world, Ayzas must harness her magic, rescue the missing Crown Prince, and overthrow the Usurper.
Under the tutelage of another mage, Ayzas struggles to dominate her powers as they desperately search for the crown prince--the only man who can lead the resistance against the usurper. Dangerous lands, traitorous mages, the usurper's army, his half-demon minions and their sadistic commander, all stand between Ayzas and salvation. But unless Ayzas can seize control of her own wild magic, her greatest enemy dwells within.
Ayzas' Tattoo is a completed 80,000 word fantasy novel with plot space for sequels. My writing credits include Case of the Misshapen Rune in Sorcerous Signals (10/07) and Alathil in the forthcoming issue of the Writers Post Journal (12/07).
Please ask to see the full manuscript for Ayzas' Tattoo. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
[This message has been edited by JeanneT (edited October 20, 2007).]
Ayzas' tattoo is trying to kill her. Or get her killed. Whichever comes first.
When the usurper murders the Andonian king and slaughters Ayzas' clan, only Ayzas survives. She escapes to a nearby town where she signs on as guide to a renegade mage on a suicide mission. Now, the slain mage's tattoo has appeared on her face and the usurper wants her dead. To save her life, her sanity, and her world, Ayzas must harness her magic, rescue the missing Crown Prince, and overthrow the Usurper.
Under the tutelage of another mage, Ayzas struggles to dominate her powers as they desperately search for the crown prince--the only man who can lead the resistance against the usurper. Dangerous lands, traitorous mages, the usurper's army, his half-demon minions and their sadistic commander, all stand between Ayzas and salvation. But unless Ayzas can seize control of her own wild magic, her greatest enemy dwells within.
Ayzas' Tattoo is a completed 80,000 word fantasy novel with plot space for sequels. My writing credits include Case of the Misshapen Rune in Sorcerous Signals (10/07) and Alathil in the forthcoming issue of the Writers Post Journal (12/07).
Please ask to see the full manuscript for Ayzas' Tattoo. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
I like this version. This is a bit more hook in your first line. I am confused about your final line: 'But unless Ayzas can seize control of her own wild magic, her greatest enemy dwells within.'
It just does flow right with the previous list of enemies.
Here's my suggestion: "But her greatest enemy dwells within, and unless Ayzas can seize control of her own wild magic she will lose everything."
You know you never did define what exactly her magic tattoo does. It might pay off to let the agent know why her tattoo might kill her. What makes her powers dangerous? Since your title and your hook are about the tattoo, I feel you need more information on the tattoo.
She escapes to a nearby town where she signs on as guide to a renegade mage on a suicide mission. Now, the slain mage's tattoo has appeared on her face and the usurper wants her dead. She soon realizes that the tattoo causes her to completely enter another person's mind--whether she wants to or not. To save her life, her sanity, and her world, Ayzas must harness her magic, rescue the missing Crown Prince, and overthrow the Usurper.
Sorry for the edits. Trying to tweak that so it flows decently-done now.
[This message has been edited by JeanneT (edited October 20, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by JeanneT (edited October 20, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by JeanneT (edited October 20, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by JeanneT (edited October 20, 2007).]
posted
Here's my hack at it. It's mighty hard to critique a query without having read the material, which I'm willing to do, but my inclination is to introduce mystery and suspense right away and to keep sentences short and punchy (which might or might not be evident in the following).
An accidental sorceress and a powerful mage. Thrown together by political upheaval, they set themselves to restore order.
Ayzas has survived the slaughter of her clan and wants nothing more than to live quietly. But when the Mage who hires her as a guide through her native high mountains is killed, she loses not only her anonymity but also control of her very destiny. For the Mage’s death transfers to her his powerful but dangerous magic--in the form of a tattoo. A tatoo the throne’s usurper will do anything to acquire.
Salvation arrives in Erlant, a Mage who wishes to restore the rightful heir. But salvation has a price. Ayzas must help Erlant find the heir. In return he will help her control the magic that has begun to drive her mad. To succeed Ayzas must fight her way through a dangerous land, pursued by traitor mages, the usurper’s army, and his demon-bred minions called the chanwe. But her most dangerous enemy might be the magic within her own mind.
posted
I do like parts of your query and I think will adopt some of it. I would hesitate to use sentence fragments in a query though. Posts: 1588 | Registered: Jul 2007
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posted
My main suggestion is to include the title, genre, and word length as your first line. Then lead into your story. The agents I have heard talk about this were unanimous - what's the genre? Confirm it's complete and what's the length again? Title just gives them something to hang the info on. So the way I've seen it done is:
Ayzas' Tattoo (not sure what your title is) is a completed fantasy novel of 90,000 words.
Then launch right in with the tattoo trying to kill her.
posted
You're right that a lot of people advise doing it that way, KayTi, but some also suggest going right into the hook, and I've had some success with putting the hook first. So I'm fairly comfortable with that. There are good arguments both ways.
The trick is to get the hook good enough for the agent to read the whole query.
Here is my newest and what I WISH was my final version. But it probably isn't. ROFL
When Ayzas becomes an accidental sorceress, she has to fight in every sense to survive.
A usurper murders the Andonian king and slaughters Ayzas' clan. Escaping to a nearby town, she signs on with a fleeing renegade mage as guide through her native high mountains. When the mage is killed, his tattoo appears on her face. She soon realizes that the tattoo contains great but dangerous magical power... power the usurper will do anything to acquire... power that may drive her mad. It causes her to sporadically enter people's minds, experiencing everything they see, hear and think. To save her life and her sanity, Ayzas must harness this magic.
Salvation arrives in Erlant, a mage desperate to locate the rightful heir to the throne. But, salvation has a price. Ayzas must help Erlant find the heir, and in return he will help her control her power. To succeed she must fight her way through a dangerous land, pursued by traitorous mages, the usurper’s army, and his half-demon minions, the Chanwe. She must even risk capture, getting close enough to the sadistic Chanwe commander to enter his mind and find where the missing Prince is imprisoned. But unless Ayzas can seize control of her magic, her greatest enemy may be her own shattered sanity.
Ayzas' Tattoo is a completed stand-alone 80,000 word fantasy novel with series potential. My writing credits include Case of the Misshapen Rune in Sorcerous Signals (10/07) and Alathil in the forthcoming issue of the Writers Post Journal (12/07).
I would be pleased to send you the full manuscript. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
[This message has been edited by JeanneT (edited October 21, 2007).]
posted
I'm not sure you've found the hook, yet. The story synopsis seems incomplete. And the MC seems quite passive.
The story seems to be: a) the Andonian king and Ayzas' clan is murdered by a Usurper. (We must assume the usurper takes the thrown.) b)Ayzas flees for her life and joins a fleeing mage. c) the fleeing mage is killed and transfers his tatoo to Ayzas, which has great powers that she must harness or die from it (but why didn't the mage use them?). d) Erlant, another mage, but one with a purpose to restore a rightful heir to (presumably) the Andonian throne, agrees to help Ayzas control the tatoo if she will help him find the heir. e) there is a dangerous quest to find the heir.
Unanswered questions: was the heir found? Was the throne restored? Did Ayazas have any part in the restoral other than finding the heir? What became of Erlant and the usurper. These were all introduced in the beginning of the query, but dropped out of sight when the quest began.
I said that Ayzas seems passive (in the query) because she basically flees violence and bargains to help find the rightful heir for her own protection. Erlant seems more like the protag then Ayzas (in the query).
Now, back to the hook: I think the hook involves one of the unanswered questions, because as written, Ayzas sounds passive.
When Ayzas becomes a sorceress through circumstance, she must fight for her life (to do something . . . restore the kingdom to its rightful heir, for example). If you want to use "accidentally" to describe her acquisition of power, then "accidental sorceress" sounds odd to me. Maybe: "...accidentally becomes a sorceress" is better, but there must be something better yet.
quote:I'm not sure you've found the hook, yet. The story synopsis seems incomplete. And the MC seems quite passive. The story seems to be: a) the Andonian king and Ayzas' clan is murdered by a Usurper. (We must assume the usurper takes the thrown.) b)Ayzas flees for her life and joins a fleeing mage. c) the fleeing mage is killed and transfers his tatoo to Ayzas, which has great powers that she must harness or die from it (but why didn't the mage use them?). d) Erlant, another mage, but one with a purpose to restore a rightful heir to (presumably) the Andonian throne, agrees to help Ayzas control the tatoo if she will help him find the heir. e) there is a dangerous quest to find the heir.
Unanswered questions: was the heir found? Was the throne restored? Did Ayazas have any part in the restoral other than finding the heir? What became of Erlant and the usurper. These were all introduced in the beginning of the query, but dropped out of sight when the quest began.
I said that Ayzas seems passive (in the query) because she basically flees violence and bargains to help find the rightful heir for her own protection. Erlant seems more like the protag then Ayzas (in the query).
Now, back to the hook: I think the hook involves one of the unanswered questions, because as written, Ayzas sounds passive.
When Ayzas becomes a sorceress through circumstance, she must fight for her life (to do something . . . restore the kingdom to its rightful heir, for example). If you want to use "accidentally" to describe her acquisition of power, then "accidental sorceress" sounds odd to me. Maybe: "...accidentally becomes a sorceress" is better, but there must be something better yet.
It's a query not a synopsis.
My synopsis is four pages long and gives substantial details about the storyline.
Maybe you can expand on what you think sounds passive. Erlant offers to "help her if she helps him" which is hardly that active sounding. She is the one who is mentioned "fighting her way through dangerous lands" which doesn't seem very passive to me. And you mention that he drops out of sight so how is he sounding more like the protag? This seems contradictory. But it is certainly possible I'm missing something.
I'm also confused about your question about why the mage who died didn't use his power. I don't mention one way or the other whether he used his power. Perhaps you're saying that his powers should necessarily keep him from getting killed, but I don't really see that the power to see into someone else's mind would do that. I'm a bit baffled about what you are saying, so maybe you could explain that.
I don't see that saying she has to struggle to survive is passive. I don't see a struggle as a passive thing, so again maybe you could expand on what you mean. We may have differing definitions of "struggle" and "fight." That is always a possibility.
Thanks for the comments.
[This message has been edited by JeanneT (edited October 21, 2007).]
posted
The query contains within it a small synopsis, which is what I outlined, steps a) to e), taken from your query.
What I meant by passive is that things happen to her, but there is little evidence in the query that she takes matters into her own hands, as Erlant has done. Erlant intends to return a rightful heir to the throne. Ayzas seems mainly to be in survival mode. Mind you that I'm talking about evidence in the query, not the novel. In the query, these are the things that happen to her: she's run out of town; she joins others who were run out of town; she's accidentally turned into a sorceress; but she can't practice the sorcery to right any wrongs unless she helps Erlant in his quest. And then the quest begins, where she fights very hard towards Erlant's goal, but without a conclusion reached. Her personal goals and achievements are not especially pointed out in the query.
posted
She is "run out of town?" When? The mage is "run out of town?" When?
I don't want to appear arguing, but I don't see at all what you are seeing. This happens.
Thanks for your comments.
Edit: I don't include anything like a synopsis in my queries, but only enough to a description to give a "taste" of what is going on. Obviously the story wouldn't appeal to you. But I do appreciate your taking the time and trouble to comment.
[This message has been edited by JeanneT (edited October 21, 2007).]
posted
Evil editor is short on queries if you want to run it through him. evileditor.blogspot.net evileditor.net
Posts: 746 | Registered: Jun 2007
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posted
I think you need to clear up a few things: Usurper's Name; Clan name; and forward progresion. I also Agree with KayTi on where to begin. That said, here's My take (though it'll probably to my chagrin):
quote: When [Usurper's Name] murders the Andonian king and slaughters [Name of] clan, Ayzas is one of the few who escape. In a nearby town, she signs on to guide a renegade mage through her native mountains. But when the mage is killed, his tattoo appears on her face. The tattoo contains great power... power [Name] will do anything to acquire. Unharnessed, this power drives her ever closer to madness. Ayzas must harness this magic.
Erlant, a mage on a desperate quest to find the heir to the [Andonian] throne, knows the answers that will save Ayzas. But salvation has a price: Ayzas must first help Erlant with his quest. To succeed she must fight her way through a [war-torn and oppressed] land, [hunted] by traitorous mages, the usurper’s army, and the Chanwe, his half-demon minions. Unless Ayzas can seize control of her magic, she may be thwarted by her greatest enemy: her own shattered sanity.
I make a couple assumptions--from what you have there--and have eliminated what seems unnecessary to make the pitch.
I hope this helps.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited October 24, 2007).]
posted
It does help, IB. Thanks for the suggestions.
I had left other names out because it seemed to get a bit confusing with a lot of odd names in such a short space, but I think you're correct. I do like your version better than mine.
I'm still not certain that there doesn't need to be some hint what her power is though. Do you think leaving off any description of what the power consists of is a good idea? To me that seemed pretty important information, but I'll freely admit I might be wrong.
On the where to start part, we'll just agree to disagree. I do see your point and many people agree. I've tried both ways and had the best luck with the info-dump at the end so that's why I feel the way I do. I won't try to convince you I'm right.
As for the chagrin comment, I'm not quite sure I follow. We did have some pretty harsh words when I first joined. I consider that water under the bridge and I hope you do too and that you don't hold a grudge after all this time. You have at times been quite helpful, including with my WotF entry.
Thanks again for your help.
[This message has been edited by JeanneT (edited October 24, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by JeanneT (edited October 24, 2007).]
quote: Ayzas escapes the ambush only to discovery that she now has the same lion tattoo on her back. When she's cornered by the usurper's demon-bred minions, she transforms into a lion and rips them to shreds.
I'm rather entranced by YOUR plot though. You should write it.
I'm a bit lion obsessed right now. The current WIP has a werecat.
quote: I'm still not certain that there doesn't need to be some hint what her power is though.
Maybe so, but, what you had bogged me down as I read. What I was looking at was the shortest amount of information that would sell me. I think that perhaps the heart of this project for you was "the dangerous powers on the loose" toys you could play with. It's all good, but, that's for when I read the book. Unharnessed power that drives the protagonist to madness and the quest for the cure is the sell. If I'm not attracted by this, all the cool powers in the world won't make a difference.
IMHO - If you can sell the agent with one powerful sentence, do that. Anything you can do to leave an impression will bounce around in their minds. The more you expose, the more you make your story bland. Hit 'em with a bolt of lightning, don't show them what the bolt lights up.
quote: On the where to start part, we'll just agree to disagree.
That was just my opinion. And, not to argue it, KayTi got her information from reliable sources.
As for the WOTF entry, mine (due to lack of a speculative element) was rejected. How's yours doing?
PS - the chagrin comment was in relation to our first encounter, though it was offered as light-hearted proof that there is no grudge.
I wasn't saying that my attempt to put in what her power is was good--only that I kind of thought it was needed. But you may well be correct that it isn't. It's one of those "darn if I know" things.
Sorry to hear about the WotF. I wondered how long it took to start getting stuff back and if they said if it didn't make the "first cut."
All I've gotten so far is an email saying they'll announce the winners in Dec and that my entry was received. I have no clue if that means that it will be considered at that point or what. But I'm going on a theory that at least it wasn't bad news.
[This message has been edited by JeanneT (edited October 24, 2007).]
posted
I found the story line intriguing and compelling as it's laid out here, and maybe that's enough for a query. However, I'll throw in some details on my thoughts and reactions that you might find useful.
quote: When Ayzas becomes an accidental sorceress, she has to fight in every sense to survive.
This sentence, while it sums up the story line, didn't have a lot of impact on me. "Fight in every sense to survive" seemed like a blanket statement designed for drama that don't really say a lot. On the other hand, I've seen a lot of such statements on back-cover blurbs, so maybe you're on to something there. I agree it might be helpful to just lay out her age right then and there. 30-year-old Ayzas...
quote: A usurper murders the Andonian king and slaughters Ayzas' clan. Escaping to a nearby town, she signs on with a fleeing renegade mage as guide through her native high mountains.
Not sure I understand what her motive is here. Just to survive? I don't know, it just seemed weird that her clan is slaughtered, and then she signs on as a guide. I realize you don't have a lot of space here, and don't want to go into details that are played out in your synopsis, but I bring it up because I don't see a lot of character development here. Sure, she has conflict, but as a previous poster commented, she seems largely responding to tragic events. I'm more drawn to character struggles, and getting a better sense of that seems to me would help spice up the query.
quote: When the mage is killed, his tattoo appears on her face.This seems oddly utilitarian in language, which is fine, but there might be a more artful way to say this since it is a rather cool event, and the first glimpse of magic that we actually see (rather than just being told there are mages. She soon realizes that the tattoo contains great but dangerous magical power... power the usurper will do anything to acquire... power that may drive her mad. It causes her to sporadically enter people's minds, experiencing everything they see, hear and think.<==I thought this sentence could be cleaned up a little bit. "It causes..." feels passive. "Entering people's minds, experiencing what they see, hear, and think" seems a little redundant-- since the latter is clearer, I'd suggest cutting "entering people's minds". To save her life and her sanity, Ayzas must harness this magic."Save her life and her sanity" seems a little redundant to me. Presumably, if she can't save her sanity, she will die anyway. The way this is written, it feels as if the tattoo is somehow directly threatening her life, which, as far as I can tell, is not the case.
Salvation arrives in Erlant, a mage desperate to locate the rightful heir to the throne. But, salvation has a price. Ayzas must help Erlant find the heir, and in return he will help her control her power.The wording of this sentence feels backwards. I'm looking for how Erlant will be her salvation first--I've already guessed the cost will be for her to help him . Or, I'd suggest breaking it it up: "a mage desperate to locate the rightful heir of the throne agrees to help her. But salvation as a price: she must help him eliminate the usurper." or some such. To succeed she must fight her way through a dangerous land, pursued by traitorous mages, the usurper’s army, and his half-demon minions, the Chanwe. She must even risk capture,She's already risking death, which to me seems worse than capture. getting close enough to the sadistic Chanwe commander to enter his mind and find where the missing Prince is imprisoned. But unless Ayzas can seize control of her magic, her greatest enemy may be her own shattered sanity. This last sentence is quite dramatic, but I feel as if we've covered this ground already. Also, it doesn't work for me here since it's diminished by her struggles to stay alive, which is related to her struggle to control her magic, but if she can't control her magic, presumably she can't fight off the Chanwe, and would get caught sneaking into their tent, so the insanity argument seems irrelevant. Again, I don't get a great sense of her character and her strengths. What does she think of this political struggle, or of the Usurper's killing her clan? Did the Chanwe do it? How does she feel about that? Right now it feels as if she's just being jerked around. This is just a personal preference on the types of books I like to read, however.
Ayzas' Tattoo is a completed stand-alone 80,000-word fantasy novel with series potential. My writing credits include Case of the Misshapen Rune in Sorcerous Signals (10/07) and Alathil in the forthcoming issue of the Writers Post Journal (12/07).
posted
Well, you're right about the back cover blurb thing. I frequently see such statements on blurbs and since I have also seen agents say that's the kind of thing they want in a query as some sort of rite of passage showing you can write (or something), that was exactly why I used that kind of phrasing as a hook. Now I'm not saying it's good. I agree that it is rather vague and generic. Heck you could plug almost any character into that statement.
I decided to try something less generic, but I can't get a more specific one as short. I'm honestly not sure which is better.
Here is another try: (better? Worse? I'm not sure) -------------------------------------------------
When Ayzas accidentally becomes a mage, she struggles to control her unwanted magic and to use it against the usurper who wants her dead.
Baleren murders the king and slaughters Ayzas’s clan, but she manages to escape. In a nearby town, Ayzas signs on to guide an escaping mage through her native mountains, the mage is killed and his tattoos appear on her face. The tattoos contain great power...power she cannot control...power Baleren will do anything to acquire.
Ayzas agrees to help find the king’s son when a mage offers to help her master her ability to not only read but to cloud the minds of others. They fight their way through a war-torn land, hunted by traitors, Baleren’s army and his half-demon minions. Haunted by deaths and with the usurper's victory imminent, Ayzas must conquer the magic of the tattoos if she hopes to triumph.
Ayzas' Tattoo, a fantasy novel, is complete at 80,000 words....
------------------------
Opinions? I think it's a bit more concise.
Thanks everyone. At least I have some time to work on this. I'm still editing the novel and I haven't even STARTED the synopsis.
[This message has been edited by JeanneT (edited October 25, 2007).]
posted
Ok this is a big possible change in direction for my query.
First I want to direct you to a blog by agent (a very successful agent) Kristin Nelson. http://pubrants.blogspot.com/
Now she gives some suggestions that I found both unusual and interesting for writing a query. So I gave it a try and came up with this:
Ayzas has never been out of her native mountains and knows nothing about fighting a war or defeating a tyrant. She has never cast a spell or decided the course of a kingdom. All she knows is that a usurper has killed the king to gain the throne and had her own family murdered for their loyalty. Ayzas is on the run, and has no idea how she will surivive much less bring about justice. But all that will change when a mysterious mage dies, transferring his tattoos and his magical power to her.
So if you were an agent, which would you like more? Do you think this agent is right that this kind of back cover blurb is the way to go? I've seen similar advice before.
[This message has been edited by JeanneT (edited October 26, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by JeanneT (edited October 26, 2007).]
posted
Jeanne, I haven't commented on this before. I've skimmed through the advice given on the blog you mentioned; I'm not one hundred percent convinced, but then there's so much different advice - depending on what individual editors/agents like themselves - I wouldn't want to say what is right/works, and what doesn't. The last example you give I feel needs more information, there are two sentaces telling us what she doesn't know, another telling us what she does know, and two telling us what her conflict is. I agree with some points that the solution/ending should be left up to the synopsis, and the bulk of the details, but for me, the last eample wouldn't encourage me to read. Mt advice would be to add a little more about the story.
posted
Hm... I'd say it's worth a shot. I think this last paragraph is the "grabbiest" by far. It certainly stirred my interest enough to want to at least check out the synopsis. I do see darklight's point, though. In a way, though, it's a risk no matter how the query is written.
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posted
I read Kristin Nelson's blog regularly and, despite the fact she actually liked my query enough to request a partial, I don't agree with something she said in her recent pitch posts.
Your paragraph is a lot more catchy here, but I really don't care what she hasn't done. Most people don't travel that much (in fantasy worlds) or think about personally fighting in a war or defeating a tyrant. Unless you're trying to tell me in a round about way that these are the things she is going to do (which wasn't want I assumed solely from your pitch paragraph), I much rather know what she is going to do rather than what she hasn't done.
Just my opinion. As my query still hasn't snagged an agent, feel free to ignore my advice.
posted
Debbie, I am exactly telling you those are things she does by the end of the novel. In the last sentence, I said all that will change meaning she does the things I listed.
I am not by any means fixed on that paragraph replacing my original blurb, but I do think it's catchier. I regularly read Kristin Nelson's blog. That doesn't mean I think she is always right, but then again she's an agent and I'm sure as heck not. She knows more than I do--but it is also true that advice varies very widely.
Maybe I need to change the wording slightly so it is clear that my MC does those things that I list she has not yet done. I'm not sure exactly what wording would work. I'll have to give it some thought.
[This message has been edited by JeanneT (edited October 27, 2007).]
posted
JeanneT, I like this version the best. For me, it had the desired effect. I'm no editor/agent/publisher either, but this is short, sweet, and to the point.
It is reminiscent of Lynn Flewelling 's which is used as an example at sfwa. Anything that separates your query from myriad others is going to be a good thing.
My tweak:
quote: Ayzas has never been out of her native mountains. She knows nothing about magic, war, or defeating a tyrant. All she knows is that a usurper has killed the king and had her family murdered for their loyalty. On the run, Ayzas has no idea how she will surivive or bring about justice. But all that will change when a dying mage transfers his magic tattoos to her.
Couldn't resist: "to gain the throne" is what motivates a "usurper".
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited October 27, 2007).]
posted
LOL Well, I agree that you should know that the usurper wanted the throne, but I had someone ask if the guy who killed the king was the usurper on another forum and it made me nervous.
Thanks for the suggestions, IB. I like them.
I've seen a lot of agents say they like to see "economy of language" in a query and this may have achieved that.
Of course, the logline style query doesn't appeal to everyone. Some people love it and some people hate it.
[This message has been edited by JeanneT (edited October 29, 2007).]
posted
A small nit pick... the term "native mountains" strikes me as odd. Maybe "never ventured out of her mountain home" or something? It would spice up your verb, too.
[This message has been edited by annepin (edited October 28, 2007).]
posted
IB's version is good and makes it clear that the stuff listed in the first two sentences are things she will be doing in the book. Just my 2 cents.
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In my opinion, it still doesn't feel as though it has a hook, or at least a sufficient one. What hooks me in the link InarticulateBabbler has on his post is the inclusion of some dialogue.
"Seregil is an experienced spy for hire with a murky past and noble connections; Alec is the talented but unworldly boy he rescues and takes on as apprentice. "I admit I've cut a purse or two in my time," Seregil tells Alec soon after they meet, "and some of what I do could be called stealing, depending on who you ask. But try to imagine the challenge of overcoming incredible obstacles to accomplish a noble purpose. Think of traveling to lands where legends walk the streets in daylight and even the color of the sea is like nothing you've ever seen! I ask you again, would you be plain Alec of Kerry all your life, or would you see what lies beyond?" Alec goes, of course, and quickly plunges into danger, intrigue, and adventure as their relationship deepens into friendship. The interaction between these two forms the core of this character-driven series."
That pulls me in much more. I would suggest using some dialogue from when she gets the tattoo transfered and then project forward and back in time. How she got to that moment, and what she needs to accomplish to move forward. The dialogue would make her real -- that's your hook .
posted
What you are talking about would be going back to a "synopsis" style query. In fact, it would be a step beyond a synopsis if it included quotes from the novel. And it would be an extremely long query to give quotes (there is no dialogue when she gets the tattoo so it would have to be an entire scene), then go back and explain how she got there and go forward and tell what happens to her afterward. Whew... I think that's the novel.
Of course I realize the "logline" type query doesn't appeal to everyone. Some people love it and some people hate it. But that's true of just about everything.
Edit: Let me point out I didn't base this on the SFWA query which is much longer and more a "synopsis" type. As I said, I based it on the recommendations in Kristin Nelson's blog. Her advise is to use the "event that triggers the novel" and concentrate on that. I would be surprised if everyone agreed with this technique. It is pretty much against the traditional advise, but you see it more and more being suggested.
posted
I actually don't care for the query in the link.
It sounds...I don't know... cheeseball to me. I think yours is more direct and easy to digest than all of that gibberish about "I like thieves and stuff they're cool!" it's simply... uninteresting, and likely to end up in my garbage can.
The Harry Potter example in your link, however, is direct, short, and I think much better than the other linked example.
But then again -- I'm not a literary agent.
[This message has been edited by Zero (edited October 29, 2007).]
posted
Neither am I, Zero. But the woman whose blog the HP piece is in is an agent. What's more I'm told she is a good one. That doesn't mean that all agents would agree with her. All agents don't agree on how to order their coffee much less how they want to see a query.
Like you, I don't care much for the SFWA query, but who am I to argue with the SFWA? Obviously, some people like it.
I figure you will NEVER have everyone (agents or not) like your query. If some people like it, you're doing well.
I've gotten a lot of good reactions with the query, so I'm going to try it out on 10 or 15 agents and see what happens.
I'll be sending some out in about a week by which time I think I'll be reasonably happy with the revisions on my novel. In the course of revision, one of the things I did is change the MC name, by the way (so no one gets confused).
Here is my current version of the full query:
Dear Mr. Bilmes:
I am writing to you because you represent Elizabeth Moon, and I believe a reader who likes DEED OF PAKSENARRION would also enjoy my novel.
Neska has never been out of her native mountains. She knows nothing about using magic, fighting a war or defeating a tyrant. All she knows is that a usurper has killed the king and had her family murdered for their loyalty. On the run, Neska has no idea how she will survive or bring about justice. But all that changes when a dying mage transfers his magic tattoos to her.
NESKA'S TATTOOS, a fantasy novel, is complete at 90,000 words. My short fiction appears in Sorcerous Signals (10/07) and in a forthcoming Writer’s Post Journal (12/07).
I would be pleased to send you the full manuscript. Thank you for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
Edit: By the way, until recently I didn't know that you can get a huge amount of information from the Publisher Marketplace database about what agent sold what for whom. While I consider $20 a month a bit expensive, (I'm a long way from rich) you only need to keep the subscription long enough to research the agents you're interested in querying.
I'm up in the air about the wording of that first sentence. It could be "I am writing to you because you sold BLAH BLAH NOVEL, and I believe that my novel is similar." Any opinions? I just hesitate to say my novel is similar. I'm querying agents who have in the past sold epic fantasy but they're not necessarily all THAT similar. But I have seen that wording recommended. As usual, I'm not sure.
I've tried a lot of different order for putting things in my query. I've tried ths novel name and stats first, and I've tried the novel blurb/hook first. This particular order is recommended by Noah Lukeman's HOW TO WRITE A GREAT QUERY LETTER. I thought I'd give it a try. Maybe. Lukeman Literary is (I'm told) pretty big time in the agency world.
Another edit: Ok, I know I'm going on a bit tonight, but this query business is important.
This is a quote from Jessica Faust at Bookends LLC. I think it is an important one AND is what Kristin Nelson is getting at:
Remember, you have about two sentences to grab an agent in a query letter and about two minutes in a verbal pitch session.
TWO SENTENCES! Now there is something to think about. She recommends the pitch in your query be three sentences long at most.
[This message has been edited by JeanneT (edited October 30, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by JeanneT (edited October 30, 2007).]
posted
This has been an interesting thread, JeanneT, for which, thanks.
The final version of the synopsis is so very much better than the original, to the point and economic with words. A couple of tweaks I'd suggest:
'On the run, Neska has no idea how she will survive or bring justice to her family's killers. But all that changes when a dying mage transfers his tattoos to her - and she learns to use their magical powers.'
On that first sentence - and you'll understand I speak with aboslutely no experience of agents, though with some of selling complex products to busy industrialists - I don't see what value it adds. Surely the agent knows why you're writing to her or him: you want representation for your book. And while you have gotten yourself published a few times, I would feel very cheeky comparing myself to an established writer; there might also be a risk of appearing derivative.
If you do feel a need for that first sentence, maybe it should pick up the rationale you mentioned for selecting agents, perhaps:
'I'm writing to you because, according to Publisher Marketplace, you successfully represent several writers of epic fantasy.'
(I suppose one benefit of this first sentence, now that I write it, is that it shows (flatters) the agent you've done your research on that agent personally, and have some knowledge of the markets.)
Edited to add: On my tweak of your words: Re-reading the thread, I think this is a great hook line and it would be a shame in my humble opinion to lose it: "Ayzas' tattoo is trying to kill her. Or get her killed. Whichever comes first."
Just 2c, Pat
[This message has been edited by TaleSpinner (edited October 30, 2007).]
posted
I agree that you don't want to imply that your book is derivative. I don't want to say it is the same or exactly like it and I certainly don't want to say I am as good or appear bragging. Mr. Lukeman's point is that it turns the subject from you to the receipt of the letter which is obviously sound psychologically and shows that it isn't a form letter that you're sending to every agent in Writer's Marketplace. As you said, it does show that you have done your homework and researched the agent. By mentioning specifically what he or she has represented, it personalizes the letter. Whether it's the best opening or not is open to question.
I'm glad you think the thread has been interesting. This is something we all go through, and I wanted to share some of the sources I've been using to try to decide exactly how to word my query letter. I've gotten some great input from the members and really appreciate it.
Edit: Heh I also like that "Ayzas tatto is trying to kill her." line and was sorry to give it up.
I sent off 10 queries this morning using the text I just posted. I'll see what reactions I get. If I don't get any partial requests, I'll tweak the letter. And I'll post to let you know how it goes.
Edit: This particular letter is to E. Moon's agent and the day I'm as good as she is I'll be out celebrating--a lot. I hope the letter doesn't come across that way rather than that my novel is similar in genre, in having a strong, active female protag, and having possibly a similar theme. She was one of his first clients and has been for about 20 years. I do suggest thoroughly researching the agents you sub to. Agents say it makes a difference and at the least it's educational.
The story is that he had just started his new agency and was scouting for new clients. He'd read her short stories and met her at a conference. He told her if she ever had a novel to give him a call. So being a writer she pulled out her DEED which is, I think, about 400,000 words and was her first novel. This was in the late 80s and selling a book with a military theme by a woman author in those days was quite a trick, but he eventually sold it to Baen re-written into a 3 novel series and the first got her a Nebula nomination.
[This message has been edited by JeanneT (edited October 30, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by JeanneT (edited October 30, 2007).]
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