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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Books » "Storm's Fury" (tentative title) 85.5k so far, Historical Fiction

   
Author Topic: "Storm's Fury" (tentative title) 85.5k so far, Historical Fiction
InarticulateBabbler
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Some of you have read this in the Novel Group, but, since I'm in the third act, I thought I'd throw some meat in the waters. No speculative element, it's strictly Historical Fiction.

quote:

Rain pattered on Nicholas Storm's tricorn hat and thunder growled in the darkened sky, as he followed Rachael Church through the crooked wagon door and into the barn. He counted himself fortunate to have drawn her attentions, for she was an ideal beauty in a low-cut bodice--a buxom brunette with a lascivious smile. As he pulled his hat off and shook the rain from it, she bit her lower lip and giggled. Rachael toyed with the corner post to the right-hand hay stall, before she turned and fled through the gap and behind the heap of straw. Nicholas gave chase, and she let out a playful scream as he caught her by the waist and dragged her down into the mound. He stifled her scream with a hungry kiss, and tossed his tricorn hat aside.


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JudyMac
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Quote:
Rain pattered on Nicholas Storm's tricorn hat and thunder growled in the darkened sky, as he followed Rachael Church through the crooked wagon door and into the barn.
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Nice and visual. Immediately feels late 1700s to early 1800s. If written for the US marketplace leave as is.
For the UK marketplace, we don't know what a wagon door is, so a glossary at the beginning of the book would be useful. The name Rachael, was more commonly written in England as Rachel.

Quote:
He counted himself fortunate to have drawn her attentions, for she was an ideal beauty in a low-cut bodice--a buxom brunette with a lascivious smile.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Good description here, and correct period voice. You could make it slightly snappier by making it into two sentences.

He counted himself fortunate to have drawn her attentions. She was an ideal beauty, a buxom brunette in a low cut bodice with a lascivious smile. ( Or 'a come hither smile'.)

Quote:
Rachael toyed with the corner post to the right-hand hay stall, before she turned and fled through the gap and behind the heap of straw.
---------------------------------------------------------------
It is almost a cliche, but before she flees through the gap, there is almost always that little look back, you know the one, 'I'm feeling naughty, want to come and play?'.


I hope that helps. Yes, I am a historical fiction fan, and enjoy Bernard Cornwell.


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kings_falcon
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Yes, I'll get you comments this weekend on Act I. I have 30 pages left.


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honu
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Beautiful stuff....the only hiccup for me was the wagon door after you had just mentioned the barn....but a wagon door would be the larger doors on barns that wagons go through I suppose....so not a biggie (just that I had to be sure I was still in barn and not in a wagon)
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InarticulateBabbler
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Hmm. I've never seen a wagon with a door. That would generally be a carriage, I think. Wagons are usually open. Even covered wagons didn't generally have doors. Maybe like a Gypsy's wagon?

(The wagon door is the actual term for the barn door, at that time. They didn't have haylofts--which the latter day wagon doors are--and there was a fairly standard design. Ugh, you wouldn't believe the crap I had to learn about barns. They didn't regularly have haylofts--where I intended this to start--until 1808.)


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honu
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ahhhh I kinda thought that ....
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