posted
"He was a stark and dormy knight. I know, I know. You don't think dormy is a word. Well, it is. I looked it up, not here, but in a dictionary at home. Roughly, dormy means you are so far ahead in the game that there is no way to lose. That was Sir Michael, the King's fist, betrothed to the Princess Illeana, undefeated in combat. Now he leads the King's elite forces against the usurper. By all the rules, he was dormy, there was no way he should lose.
"But a stark reality underlies every game. Dormy only applies if your opponent plays by the rules."
Matt re-read the note. He didn't think of it as a diary. Not yet. But for the first time in his old-young life, he wanted to leave something behind. Something she could read.
*** Opening 13 lines of Book Three of the POSSIBLE MAGIC trilogy, a young adult fantasy. Book 1: THE PRINCESS, THE KNIGHT, AND THE KNAVE. Book 2: TUNNEL AT THE END OF THE DARK.
[This message has been edited by RDF (edited January 04, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by RDF (edited January 04, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by RDF (edited January 04, 2009).]
posted
I looked it up. "Dormy" or "Dormie" (the preferred spelling) is in my Merriam Webster's. I've learned something new today. Thank you.
Posts: 24 | Registered: Nov 2008
| IP: Logged |
posted
I was hooked until it turned out to be a diary entry of some sort instead of part of the story. That adds an extra level of separation between me and the characters - I wanted to hear more about Sir Michael, not this new guy Matt.
There aren't any details about Matt that perk my interest in him. I'm not sure what an old-young life is, and it's not clear whether this is Matt's diary (would that make him and Sir Michael the same guy?) or somebody else's diary (in which case, why would he especially want to leave it for "her" to read?)
But the "stark and dormy knight" play is fun (I didn't know dormy was a word either) and there are all kinds of hints to an interesting story about the knight.
I would change the phrasing of the second "he was dormy, there was no way he should lose" so it's not such a direct repetition of "there is no way to lose".
posted
When the kids were younger, storytelling at our house usually included several renditions of "Beeping Sleauty," so I was hooked at the opening line.
My subconscious mind put an "r" in "fist" so the brain saw/understood "the King's first,..." (my brain on speed-reading). On a slower re-read, I saw my error, but wondered if you meant "the King's Fist,..." as a title of honor, maybe?
The "young-old life" seemed a bit awkward, and it made me lose the momentum of the story-line because I had to stop and go hmmmm, was he an old man that now has a young body, or is he now an old soul in a young body, or a time-traveler?
The last line was effective. I definitely would have turned the page.
Aside: Matt is a fifteen year-old budding stage illusionist from our modern world whose soul is imprisoned in the aged body of the wicked - but not quite evil - wizard Crius.
Here is an alternate version of the first 13 lines. ***
"He was a stark and dormy knight. I know, I know. You don't think dormy is a word. Well, it is. I looked it up in the dictionary at home. Roughly, dormy means you are so far ahead in the game that there is no way to lose. That is Sir Michael, the King's Fist, bethrothed to the Princess Illeana, undefeated in combat. Now he leads the King's elite forces against the Usurper. By all the rules, he is dormy, and victory is assured.
"But a stark reality underlies every game. Dormy applies only when your opponent plays the game by the rules."
Matt folded the note and picked up his knapsack. He would not write more. Not yet. Not with his own private destiny to confront the Usurper. For the first time in his old-young life, Matt wanted to leave a record behind. Something she could read.
Since it's the third of the series, I imagine we'll have already gotten to know Matt (though it never hurts to make us like him more with clues to personality, which the voice of the diary entry does well).
And I think the diary entry reads a little odd, more like a memoir opening. If you could maybe finish the thought, why Matt knows there's a stark reality out for The King's Fist's throat, that may be smoothed over.
posted
I enjoyed what I was reading. However, I was confused when the diary entry ended. Like Pyraxis, I wanted to hear more about the knight, and not the Matt character. Perhaps there is a way to introduce Matt before the Diary entry, to give us a more understanding view of the story to come.
Either way, I enjoyed it, and it was well written. I look forward to more
Printer-friendly view of this topic
