posted
Thank you so much for the feedback, it actually made me reconsider the entire direction I was going with my book. Here is the new start. Please let me know if this would make you want to continue reading:
Fain opened his eyes and realized it was morning. Sitting up in his chair, he looked around and saw that the corpse he had stolen last night was still lying on the floor where he had set it. Staring at the body, Fain stood up. The corpse had once been a young man, no doubt taken in his prime by some accident or disease, but was now a rather decrepit, dried shell. Fain studied the dead man for a moment, frowning as he remembered what the body signified and what it had cost him. Angrily he kicked the corpse in the ribs. “Wake up.”
[This message has been edited by NicerSimon (edited January 18, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by NicerSimon (edited January 18, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by NicerSimon (edited January 19, 2009).]
quote:Fain opened his eyes and realized it was morning. Sitting up in his chair, he looked around and saw that the corpse he had stolen last night was still lying on the floor where he had set it. Staring at the body, Fain stood up. The corpse had once been a young man, no doubt taken in his prime by some accident or disease, but was now rather decrepit, dried shell.
I think you're missing an article there; as in, "but was now a rather decrepit, dried shell."
quote:Fain studied the dead man for a moment, frowning as he remembered what the body signified and what it had cost him. Angrily he kicked the corpse in the ribs. “Wake up.”
Okay, I'm going to turn the page. I want to know if the corpse wakes up.
posted
I'm new at this critiquing thing, so I am not as adept at this as you all. The only thing I would say it that with
"Fain studied the dead man for a moment"
i felt that you dont really need to reiterate that the man is DEAD, because we already know that. It just stuck out to me, i dont if that helps at all.
posted
I'm with Rob Roy. I want to know if the body wakes up. Of course I might be disappointed if it doesn't. I might also be disappointed if it doesn't wake up in an interesting way. For example: if the corpse says "ow" after it gets kicked I'd like to see Fain freak out. If Fain really expects the body to get up I'd like to have that vividly depicted.
I don't know if you've read the Wheel of Time by Robert Jordan, but he has a character named Padan Fain who would steal a body. The whole time I read this I was thinking of Padan Fain. Nothing really to do about that in the first 13, just be aware that this guy "exists".
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