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Author Topic: THE KABBALIST, Urban Fantasy
History
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Hi, Reziac.

Well, 13 lines and a lot of additional teases on character and plot element discussion. I came to the same realization you half-a-thread back. Perhaps my claim to fame will be "one of the most discussed unpublished 13!"

I do have the concern that I should spend less time here talking about writing, even my own, and just writing--particularly with my limited free time. But I do consider this important schooling and appreciate all comments and feedback.

I'm still unhappy with my attempts at a query and synposis.
The more people post here and I'm inspired to respond, I'm slowly getting a better feeling of how to improve the query letter. But I am currently of the mind that I need to write more: short stories and, likely, a second KABBALIST novel, before I attempt to query.

A few members have offered to read the first chapter or more. I look forward to their comments, particularly if they are as insightful as Matt Leo's critique,

Respectfully,
Dr. Bob

P.S. And now I'm on page 2. oy! One can only hope the remaining 107,500 words novel will garner such interest if and when the novel is ever published.

[This message has been edited by History (edited February 13, 2011).]


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Tryndakai
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Here's one more pair of fresh eyes and an intrigued mind that has been mightily hooked by your opening lines. :)

Not sure if I have anything new to add to the discussion, but I thought I'd throw in my votes on some of the points previously raised:

1. I like the "Saturday, Shabbos" combination. Kickstarts the characterization with the immediate and recognizable (even to ignorant persons like me) Jewish reference, and being a mere two words, I don't feel like it's overly redundant, or anything. Just "Saturday" would not be useful, and just "Shabbos" might give me a half-second's pause, while I realize I may have to translate some things in my mind as I go, here.

2. I quite agree with the comments that the break from second to third lines is a little *too* abrupt. Largely, I believe, because with those first two (pleasantly engaging) lines, the automatic image *is* that we're looking at the talking head from the MC's p.o.v., and then we have to break to realize that, no, he just heard about the incident. I do appreciate the mental image of the MC finding out such incredible news from a secondary character, and all . . . but the jump is just too jarring to quite work, in my mind. Breaks me out of the story, rather than just causing me to pause and wonder.

[[EDIT]]: I've just had a thought. Maybe all you really "need" to "fix" this issue is a tiny change of sentence structure . . . instead of the direct, brick-to-the-face of Subject-Verbed-Object to begin line three, you could soften it up ever so slightly with (something along the lines of) "It was morning when Rabbi Isaac Levinson called me. On Shabbos. This indicated how seriously he was upset." Just the barest hint of a lead-in to make the shift more bearable. Just a thought. :)

3. I, being completely ignorant of all but the broadest strokes of Jewish lingo and lore, can whole-heartedly agree with Josephine Kait's comment about The Zohar vs. Roth's Book of Spells--I'm perfectly happy to treat this novel about Jewish paranormal activity the same way I'd treat any completely invented fantasy, in that I'll take note of the occasional unfamiliar word, and wait to see if it's explained later, and if it's just a minor plot detail, let it just become one of the many flakes of an unfamiliar spice that flavor the story so richly. :) I specifically *dislike* over-explanation of unfamiliar terms. If your character knows what it is, and he references it without defining it to himself, then he shouldn't define it to me. I'l pick it up. Don' worry 'bout it. :)

4. Probably in direct opposition to some comments about the "I was" vs. "I'd been" question, personally I think rather than changing "I'd been sitting" to "I was," you should change "I was at home" to "I'd been." To me, use of the past perfect there immediately indicates that, yes, you acknowledge that you're breaking from the immediate, action-y bit of story to take a couple steps backward along the timeline. It's clear that you're setting the scene, and that it's about to be interrupted by that interesting bit again. Because that's what past perfect is good for--being interrupted by regular past tense. (which, in novel-language, is practically present tense. :)) I'm content in your implicit promise that we'll get there soon, and can therefore stand, and enjoy, the next few lines of scene-setting. :)

5. One the other hand, that very last line about the height of the windows *does* seem to take it over the edge a little. Brownstone, office chair, great--they're setting the scene. Zohar--fabulous, it's letting me know even more about the character. Like, that he takes his religion seriously, and doesn't just/always/(ever?) have any old dime novel in his lap if you stumble upon him snoozing of a lazy afternoon. So, fabulous. :) Shy breeze? Sweetly original bit of prose, which I much enjoyed, and getting a few extra sensory details (not extrasensory, silly . . . lol) is always a plus. I can already start to hear the random chirp of a bird (or coo of a pigeon?) and some leaves rustling outside, and a bit of traffic noise . . . all brought in on this little mental breeze. So that's splendid, too.
But what is the size of the window casement doing for me? Nothing. And the lack of the sun's ability to peek in just confuses me. Probably because I'm not familiar with the layout of big cities, and the no-doubt crowded buildings blocking the view of the sky . . . but anywho. Without some additional comment or notion of some kind explaining why I should care, I just got confused by the window-size comment.
Plus, somebody did have a good point about his eyes being closed . . . :)
I could see pushing the floor-to-ceiling-but-no-sun comment back (forward?) a paragraph or two, possibly to during or after the phone call, where you could potentially relate the sunless comment to the bad feeling he's getting from all this, or some such nonsense. ;) So it *matters* to me.

And . . . those are my harebrained thoughts. I'm rather intrigued by the whole idea. I do love me some Dresden Files, and enjoy other "film noir Private Eye" style set-ups, and I had never before seen any fantasy stories with a Jewish twist. (Shows what I know.) Now I'm gonna have to look up that Rabbi Smalls and whatever else you've mentioned, because delving into a new culture's mythology, especially through fiction/fantasy, is always fascinating, and a blast. :D I'd love to read more of this. :)

[This message has been edited by Tryndakai (edited February 24, 2011).]

[This message has been edited by Tryndakai (edited February 24, 2011).]

[This message has been edited by Tryndakai (edited February 24, 2011).]


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Tryndakai
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Lol, off-topic: you *know* I'm addicted to smilies when I include so many of them in my post that it breaks. :P "we could not process your post because it had too many images to go through . . ."
Heh.

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History
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Dear Tryndakai/Michelle,

Thank you very much for the generous gift of your time to critique these mere 13 opening lines of THE KABBALIST: THE FOUNDATION OF THE KINGDOM.

Your editorial proclivity is well-demonstrated. You may wish to check out the Writers' Chapter Exchange under the Hatrack Groups subforum, for this may something you would enjoy.

I am currently processing the critiques and editorial comments from my fellow Group participants who just recently reviewd the first chapter of this, my 1st novel. While I haven't had time to make the revisions for which I agree there is need, I would welcome your editorial comments as well. If you have interest in reading the first or more chapters of THE KABBALIST, please email me (click the envelope icon above), and I will gladly forward it/them to you. If not, again let me thank you for what you have just provided.

Respectfully,
Dr. Bob


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History
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FYI on my most recent rejection:

Those of you who have kindly critiqued the first few chapters of this novel are in general agreement with "Donna at Angry Robot Publishing" who today informed me:

"I think this concept really has legs. Your writing is good but there is way to much detail and description getting in the way of the action. If Jacob receives a call that someone is dead, a friend in this case, it is unlikely he's going to comment on the sunlight, give a detailed description of what he looks like and what he is wearing etc. For this reason I think this is not ready yet. However, I love the idea and there really isn't enough Jewish themed fantasy in the world. So keep it up."

I won't be catty and point out she misspelled "too" --ok, I did, but I'm over it. But she does add her editorial voice to the consensus, and I humbly bow to this. It seems I will need a hacksaw instead of a scalpel, an amputation rather than circumcision, if and when I can muster the courage to do so.

Respectfully,
Dr. Bob


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axeminister
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"an amputation rather than circumcision"

Do not ever put those words in the same sentence in that order.

Ever.

On a more serious note, Stephen King covers this in On Writing. It's a short bit, but precise. Library that sucker and see what he says.

I'm sure you'll find the courage to do it. Just keep a second file called "notes" or something so you don't actually throw anything away. Besides, it helps to have written it out to draw the scene, so no harm done.

Seems like a good rejection tho.

Axe


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KathiS
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Hi History, here is my take on this. As always feel free to disregard totally. :-)

I like the first two lines. They really pull me in. It's the kind of beginning I like. I might have liked to have seen it more immediate. Something like, "Finding a severed head in your mailbox is a sure sign you're in for a bad day. When it starts speaking you can be fairly certain of that."

After that I get a little lost. I have no idea what Shabbos is so that doesn't tell me anything about how upset the Rabbi is. And I'm a little unclear who found the head in the mailbox. I would continue reading, however, but I'd be hoping for clarity pretty quickly.

I love the description of the "shy breeze". Very nice phrasing. I'm not sure the last line needs to be there but if it does I would combine it with the previous. Something to the effect of, "The shy touch of a warm July breeze flitted through the open casement windows which never really caught the sun even though they stretched from floor to ceiling."


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mbwood
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Dear History / Bob;

You got a rejection with comments – excellent, you’re obviously on the right track. I’ve got stacks of rejections (but then again, my early attempts were, well, terrible). Since then, I’ve had a few comments, such as 'close, but not quite there.' Sigh!

Anyway, back to your opening. The first five lines are great – they really grab my attention. However, when you wander off into a description of your dwelling, weather, etc., you let the reader down completely (this kills the mood you established).

You’ve got the hook partially set, now you have to finish it off.

Suggestion – consider giving your viewpoint character’s emotional response, plus have him quiz the Rabbi (lively dialogue, etc.). Y’know, drag out the sordid details (everyone just LOVES sordid details!). Once done with that, provide the setting, etc. Make the reader worry, wonder, and want more.

Remember the first rule of writing… Write!

MBW

p.s. I like your approach of introducing your ‘first thirteen.’ It obviously overcomes the length limitation. Very sly, and it works!

[This message has been edited by mbwood (edited June 18, 2011).]


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