posted
2/7/03 I will post a link to the latest letter shortly on my website (I actually) have one now! It is another gem of grandmotherly wisdom
AJ
I received this in the mail today. My grandmother was the author. I thought about putting it in the "Religious Beliefs No Arguing Allowed" thread but didn't think it was quite in the spirit JonBoy intended.
quote:<font face="Arial, Verdana, Helvetica" size="2"> Dear Anna Jo,
Just wanted you to have this C D to listen to. #2 reminds me of you Anna Jo [the CD is a gospel/country cd with some of the most hideous murderations of old hymns I've heard in a long while] . It is no secret what God can do! What He's done for others He will do for you.
Did you know Janice Raush [my aunt... like I don't know her full name] will have her shoulder operated on to shorten tendons on March 20? We will all be praying for her. It went out again a month ago. She never knows when it will happen, so now - it will be fixed. Janice & Glenn want you to come to live with them and make an escape from that boy you are living with. She was waiting til after her operation. It is her right arm, so she will need help for a while. All of us will try to have her over for meals or take meals over to her house. They have a fenced in yard for your dogs & an extra room for you in the new building they are putting on their house- 2car garage with room and rear of house & upstairs long kitchen & living room. Construction should start as soon as the ground thaws. In the mean time you would sleep in the rec room with the fireplace downstairs
Dad [my grandfather] & I have been reading about the girl who was kidnapped and brain washed. We think this has happen to you! [grammar and puctuation verbatim] Just put yourself in God's hands & get on a plane & come. You mom will be here (May 29 to June 12). Get someone to get your dogs, so you can send for them later on. These are perilous times & God is bringing many young people to a Saving Faith in Christ. Especially those boys in harms way in Kuwait living in tents. We are in the last days before Jesus comes to rapture His church. II Tim. 3:1
Janice & Glenn will join the Millersville Bible Church this Sunday. The children sing there on March 30. We will go to hear them sing again. A lovely small church. Our Calvary Church is wonderful & big. All Christians should link together now for our President & nation & pray more.
Trust in Jesus as I did when I was 23! You will have a new life, all things will become new (II Cor.5:17) The Holy Spirit will help you be an overcomer. We all love you & are anxious to see you again. No one ever cared for you like Jesus. No one else can take the sin & darkness from you. Oh how much He cares for you. Love, XOXO Mamaw
[crawling around the side of the page] -> Your mom told Janice it would be great if you escaped to PA. (Janice and Glenn said there are lots of jobs here.) </font>
edit to fix ubb... in the originals, all bolds were actually underlines.
[This message has been edited by BannaOj (edited March 17, 2003).]
posted
That post is a frightening example of a particular stereotype that I'd find funny if it weren't so darn powerful. Posts: 37449 | Registered: May 1999
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posted
That operation sucks and doesn't work very well. They told me that it only had a 10% success rate. Sounds like your Aunt needs a personal maid for 8 weeks. She's going to have that arm casted at a 90o angle for that long, I believe. That's what they told me, anyway.
Banna, why do you torture yourself. You know, I read Dear Abby (no, really, it's true ) and she says that occasionally, you just have to cut off toxic people. I think this is one of those situations. I did it for quite a while and was quite happy with the decision. It took me 5 years to put enough distance before I could deal with the snide insults, and even now, it's for my son.
posted
Well some of you know more about my grandma than others. Her letters provided entertainment for my entire dorm floor my freshman year of college.
For those of you who don't know, I am a chemical engineer. When I decided on chemical engineering as a major I received numerous letters saying that girls shouldn't be engineers. Women should only go to school long enough to catch themselves a man and remain barefoot and pregnant until menopause regardless of education. Five of my 7 aunts have college degrees and don't work. If they worked, even while their husbands are unemployed, she'd consider disowning them. Preachers and missionaries (LDS excluded) are preferred, she still hasn't gotten over the fact that I went to a state school rather than a Christian one even though I had a full scholarship. This despite there are few to none fundamentalist Christian colleges that have engineering programs, and none with Chemical engineering. Catholic schools don't count, neither does BYU. The Mormons might be slightly more heathen then the Catholics, but both are going to HELL.
All girls who are engineers are sluts that sleep with the professors so that they can pass the classes because of course they aren't smart enough on their own. No guy will ever marry a smart girl. Make sure you leave tracts in phone booths for people to read. Rush Limbaugh is too liberal.
No guy will ever want a girl with dogs. (She didn't know I had the bf before the dogs) She still doesn't know that my boyfriend is white and black/cuban/jamacian in ancestry. He is light skinned enough that hopefully she won't have a heart attack until she sees his father, since colored people are the hired help.
This is a sampling. She can rarely write a coherent sentence, and jumps from subject to subject more frequently and much more randomly than the above. I have saved her letters over the past 6 years in a scrapbook and contemplate publishing them from time to time.
This time she went too far though. Even my mother who is generally on Grandma's side and wants me away from my evil boyfriend, even laughed at the idea of me taking care of my aunt Janice's bratty children who have driven me up the wall for years. In all the years I have never written back, and I'm debating whether I should ignore it this time. I have no idea whether my lazy Aunt Janice knows that my grandmother has cooked this up or not. The likelihood of a co-conspiracy is equally as likely as a unilateral act. By the way there are 5 other sets of uncles and aunts as well as numerous other older grandchildren, who could help my aunt... not to mention her oldest who is 14, though he may be so spoiled as to be incapable of being useful.
posted
Though I should add that, while I think I'm better off now than I was before, it's still crushing. Movies like The Royal Tenenbaums leave me a soggy little mess for the evening.
Posts: 2220 | Registered: Jun 1999
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posted
I'm 24 now, I guess I should update my profile. As far as cutting off toxic people, I don't actually normally read the letters she sends. I haven't talked to Mamaw in at least 6 months. Steve reads them for me, and tells me if there is any actual news, like my Aunt having shoulder surgery.
This one however made him mad. It was by far her worst ever. It used to be lots of veiled references, now she is just spouting it out directly. In some ways that makes it better, because it is obvious how nuts she is.
posted
Got the 23 from the letter, actually. Although now that I think about it, I seem to remember having another discussion with you where age came about. I'm turning 25 this April.
*smile* At least you can laugh it off. There's always that. Just be sure to keep your distance enough so that you can keep your sanity.
*Admires you a great deal for sticking with Chemical Engineering* I went into Computer Engineering and just couldn't cut it. My good friend was so upset because I left her the only girl in the program. I've really enjoyed the natural sciences, though.
posted
Just to let you know, I have been angst ridden in the past about dealing with this woman. I feel guilty because if I deal with her directly it goes back to bite my mother in the rear. Anyway all of the angst basically left, at least temporarily after this letter. I mean the woman would kidnap me and attempt to re-brainwash me herself if she was physically capable of it. This has shown her lunacy in black and white.
Fortunately she has heart trouble (and I know that is a terrible thing to say, but I suspect you understand) so I don't have to put up with her visiting me here and attempt to forcibly drag me to Pensylvania.
Tom Davidson said it well
quote:That post is a frightening example of a particular stereotype that I'd find funny if it weren't so darn powerful.
What else can I do but laugh. Insanity at this level isn't worth responding to directly.
posted
"What else can I do but laugh. Insanity at this level isn't worth responding to directly."
Exactly. The woman is clearly batty, you're clearly well adjusted and your boyfriend isn't evil. At least, no more evil than you I suppose Anyway, ignoring her has worked well thus far, just keep ignoring her and go play with your dogs. And if she keeps writing you letters, hey, at least you're helping her put the day in, right?
posted
When I dated someone my father didn't like, he actively and sincerely circulated the idea that when I got hit in Germany, it scrambled my brains and this was the consequence.
Posts: 26077 | Registered: Mar 2000
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posted
Thoughts that have been running through my head. I don't know whether I will act on them or not but they have been running through.
By the way Mamaw is convinced she is dying. She may be, because she has not made dietary changes or attempted to do minimal excercise and lost weight as the doctors have ordered her to do. She has congestive heart failure and medicine can only do so much without lifestyle changes. I also think she is too ornery to die quietly or easily.
I am "sorely tempted" to communicate to her via my mother and tell her that her chances of seeing me again while she is still alive diminish with every letter I get. Actually they may already be gone, but she doesn't know that. If she does die, I haven't decided whether I will go to the funeral or not. I probably will for my mother's sake alone. Afterward I guess I could dance on her grave.
Am I being too petty and mean-spirited? Should I have more compassion on an old, batty woman? If I should please tell me, I don't want to lower myself to her level.
posted
Visiting her in her sleep sounds like a plan... but I'll have to wait until she is ill enough she sleeps all day... I'm not going to make a long distance flight while she is still coherent enough to yell at me.
posted
Grandma strikes again... First of all taped to this letter is this "Dear Abby" We will never know what the letter writer asked because all we have is this answer:
quote: DEAR IN LOVEL Idle your motor. The man you have described appears to be fulfilling your material and physical needs, but not your emotional ones. It's up to you to decide how long you can live with two out of three. I hope you will wake up to the fact that you are being used, and that it will spur you on to find a man who truly loves you and is willing to make a committment
(the bold is what Grandma hand underlined)
Now the letter
quote: Dear Anna Jo, Today I took Janice to her Dr. to have stitches removed from 3 holes in her shoulder. She is feeling fine now but can't drive & her arm is in a sling for 5-6 weeks. In case you can fly out here she can really use to help her. The foundation of ther home improvement is in & soon the new addtion will be on. It is cheep now to fly out here on North West into Harrisburg, PA. JAncies did not want her children to know that you have a boy friend in Chicago in your apt. They think you are a wonderful Christian and are anxious to see you. (yes that was all one paragraph)
Tell me how come Aunt Ruth rates higher than your grandparents? She told us she got a picture. You know we love you & pray for you ever day even if you never thank us for anything. We know God will answer our prayers for you. There are wonderful jobs out our way & you could make a new start here with all your relatives, 19 cousins etc.
A change of scenery won't help unless there is a change of heart. Jesus is coming soon & you surely don't want to be left behind. You can't have your way & be happy. The hymm says- "Trust & Obey". there is no other way.
This is really sad. The only Grandmother I've really had contact with (the other one I only see every few years, but she is sick and doesn't really remember me) was incredibly understanding and loving to the day she died. I wish I could offer advice, but all I can do is give you an e-hug.
quote:Tell me how come Aunt Ruth rates higher than your grandparents? She told us she got a picture. You know we love you & pray for you ever day even if you never thank us for anything.
Anna, this is pure selfish. The point of love and prayer is not about receiving credit or thanks - you do it because you feel it in your heart, not because you want recognition.
Don't let her guilt you into this. I've had similar grandparents, and you have to keep in mind one thing - she's just a person, and whatever connection she has to you has been forfeited by her refusal to you for who you are.
You don't need to go to her, or go to her funeral or visit her grave. She brings you nothing but pain, and there's nothing petty about the way you feel - she'd like you to think that, but it'd be another manipulative trick to try and get you close enough so she can work her guilt at close range.
I guess I feel this way because I have a sister who is adopted who I love to death, who has saved me from bankruptcy and jail - and never asked to be paid back. She's not of my blood, but we love each other and will always be there for each other. And I had grandparents who share my blood who died without having ever asked how I was for the ten years preceeding their deaths.
Blood is used too often as a tool for manipulating people. Don't let them.
Posts: 2245 | Registered: Nov 1998
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posted
I wonder what happens if there is a "prayer clash" with God when her prayers and mine are diametrically opposed.
Actually the first one I printed was a very cauterizing letter. This last one didn't bother me at all. I mainly posted it as a a continuation. The previous letter gave a closure on the situation that I have never before felt. I have aproximately 4 years worth of these gems saved, but before a lot of it was snide veiled comments. Now she is actually coming out and saying what she really believes, which is refreshing in a sense.
posted
Banna, I know exactly what you are going through. I did some of the things my grandmother wanted me to for my wedding and I regret it to this day (nothing religious - just involving some other relatives I would just as soon as never see again). It will be years before I can forgive her; I still have so much anger in my heart. Obviously it isn't just about the wedding - there were many, many events leading up to it. I'm glad you're strong and smart enought to avoid putting yourself in my position. Your aunt is mobile and she has a 14-year-old to help her. And what about those 19 cousins, can't they help?
One thing, though. Think about whether you want to reply to these letters or just throw them out. Your grandmother is never going to change and you will have to decide if you think she is motivated by love for you. Some people have trouble understanding that their idea of happiness doesn't apply to everyone else. Just make sure that you don't do or say anything you will regret later.
BTW, my grandmother started calling me an old-maid-in-waiting when I was 20. Posts: 3037 | Registered: Jan 2002
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posted
I don't reply, in the 5 years or so I've been getting them I haven't ever. I have been taking my mother's advice, "If you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all." All of the things that I would respond to the letters I know I would be ashamed to have had coming out of my mouth at a later date. Maybe it would be healthier to burn them rather to save them (I have the first three years of letters organized in a special scrapbook for the purpose and the rest in a file folder waiting to organize when I have time or need a catharsis) but part of me wants to save them as "evidence" if it ever should come to a knock down drag out verbal family brawl so that I have the proof to back up that she said what I say she said.
I don't think it's right to be angry with your Grandmother over this. Sure, she's a little kooky, but you know what? She has your best interests at heart. She honestly cares about the welfare of your immortal soul and whether or not that has any bearing on your life, at least it shows that she's concerned and worried for what will happen to you (to the best of her knowledge). I don't agree with her, I don't condone her accusations, but I do know where she's coming from - a place where she believes this with all her heart and wants the best for you.
Posts: 8504 | Registered: Aug 1999
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posted
Annie, it isn't so much anger, as it is frustration. Sometimes the frustration makes me angry, but really she's too pathetic a person to be angry at for long. The question is how do you deal with someone like this on a daily basis or deal with them at all?
Here at Hatrack we have people who passionately disagree with each other. Sometimes there is a bit of vitriol involved. But between the fluff threads, agreeing to disagree, and our wonderful moderators, we all get along for the most part. But how do you get along with someone who won't agree to let you disagree on any topic whatsoever? I mean I understand someone saying, I sincerely think you are wrong and would like you to believe as I do but it is your life not mine. That is respectful of both people involved. I don't see Grandma respecting anyone except herself, I mean she basically dictates to God what he should think and that is probably where the anger and frustration on my part comes in.
posted
I also don't genuinely think it is concern and worry. Yes it is couched in those terms but it is concern and worry that I am no longer under her control anymore rather than true concern and worry about my immortal soul.
posted
Anna, you're right. People like your grandma (and mine, sadly) are only concerned about the power thy have over people. And if they don't have the power to make you change, they would like to have the power to make you sad. But it's all about power, not love. And it's not sane. EDIT to fix spelling mistakes
[ October 14, 2003, 06:58 AM: Message edited by: Anna ]
Posts: 3526 | Registered: Oct 2001
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posted
I'll back up Anna and Banna on this. It's hard to understand, I guess, unless you've actually had to deal with this situation, but some grandmothers, and mothers, and aunts, etc. are genuinely awful people who want nothing but to control every inch of their offspring's lives. For me, at least, it's come down to the realization that, despite her words of love and support, my grandmother, my only grandma, doesn't care about me any more than she cares about the fancy collector's plates hanging on her walls. I'm nothing more than a pet to be praised when I make her proud and punished when I pee on the rug. And if I do something she really disapproves of? Off to the pound for me. Totally cut off. Except, of course, to send me hate mail on my birthday.
(and maybe Banna's thinking "only once a year! how lucky!" )
Most people grow up with parents and grandparents who, despite their faults and foibles, sincerely love their children and grandchildren. Those people, I think, have a hard time understanding the few who are not so lucky.
Posts: 2220 | Registered: Jun 1999
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posted
Well, I think there was a pretty clear link between my unpleasant family life and my interest in escapist sci-fi as a kid... Posts: 2220 | Registered: Jun 1999
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posted
Wow, really an interesting (and tragic) story. Thanks for sharing (and bumping for those of us who are newcomers).
I think your feelings of frustration are completely validated and understandable given what you have been going through. And while I have never had to deal with a similar situation (the worst it ever got for me was minor guilt trips from my grandma because she didn't get to spend as much time with our daughter as she got to spend with my cousin's son-who lived with her, or slight guilt from deciding to move to North Carolina and go to med school at Duke, rather than to the U of Utah) I would perhaps offer a novel take on dealing with the situation. This is how I imagine I would deal with something like this (especially given how long you have had to put up with it).
I would just act as if these letters and her manipulative attitude didn't exist. I would write here occasional letters (no more than any other family member), but my communication would be entirely empty of meaning, and it would never acknowledge her attempts at manipulation. Play it cool and let her know, without saying it, that she is having no effect on you. I think that would be best accomplished by an infrequent correspondence communicating to her how your life is going and that you are very happy with it, that you feel good about where you are in life. It spares the vitriol, and ultimately is more effective at conveying to her your lack of interest in her rantings.
And it also sets you on the high ground. You would demonstrate to her a far more "Christian" attitude than that with which she addresses you. Afterall, when Christ was confronted with vitriolic attacks he never responded in kind, rather he turned their attacks aside with teaching. You could do the same by showing her you are still willing to acknowledge her without resorting to her levels.
posted
I think my grandmother gave it a shot at being controlling and disapproving, but my grandfather talked her down. Yay! The patriarchal system worked in my favor!
This works out because my grandpa is a complete darling.
Posts: 26077 | Registered: Mar 2000
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posted
(((((To everyone who has a control freak mother/father/grandmother/grandfather))))
My sweet little grandma died a couple of months ago. I will miss her desperately, but the one thing I will treasure always was that whenever she looked at me, I felt like the most beautiful, perfect person on earth.
I wish I could be more like her.
Posts: 524 | Registered: May 2003
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posted
That's how I feel about my grandpa. My grandpa and my uncle think I'm brilliant, beautiful, creative, and an absolute treasure. It's so weird that I was suspicious of it for a long time. I love it.
Posts: 26077 | Registered: Mar 2000
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posted
I've got to confess that I love my paternal grandparents, too. They're both absolutely wonderful people -- intelligent, kind, hard-working, and pretty darn near selfless.
I don't know my maternal ones too well, sadly; they disowned my mom decades ago, and I've only met them once. By all accounts (admittedly biased), I'm not missing much.
Posts: 37449 | Registered: May 1999
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) and she says that occasionally, you just have to cut off toxic people. I think this is one of those situations. I did it for quite a while and was quite happy with the decision. It took me 5 years to put enough distance before I could deal with the snide insults, and even now, it's for my son.
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