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"Our friends say it's darkest before the sun rises...we're pretty sure they're all wrong...
I am drowning, there is no sign of land... you are coming down with me, hand in unloveable hand."
I don't know what to do. I am so depressed lately. I got a 49% on my last chemistry test. Chemistry is supposed to be my best subject right now. My brother hates me now- really hates me, not just mock indignance anymore- because I got my permit... I wrote a 7 page literary analysis paper that I put a TON of work and time into, and as I saved it one last time once it was done, my computer had a "Serious internal error," and my entire paper was corrupted, and I lost ALL of it. My mom won't refill my pills and I am running out of them, which means soon I will be eating and won't have pills to take after I eat and will go back to being in pain after I eat. My moods have been wavering violently and I am just about ready to break. When I saw the psychologist for my evaluation, she said I needed to be put on mood stabilizers as soon as possible, and that she would call me about an evaluation with a psychiatrist, so I could actually be diagnosed, the beginning of this week... and it is now the end of this week and still no call. I have been listening to the Mountain Goats' "No Children" over and over, and I feel so depressed. I have thoughts of suicide like I did before when things got like this, and it doesn't help that my project (lit analysis essay and project) is on The Bell Jar by Plath. On top of that, I have this unbearable guilt about everything, even about my ex boyfriend. I want so badly to call him and apologize for making him feel like he had to hate me so much when I loved him so much, but I got some good advice and I am going to wait till I have a steady therapist to do anything like that... but then, if that psychologist never calls, how will I ever see a therapist? *sigh* I feel like I am not worthy of anything or anyone, like I am just not worth anything at all. I am definitely not worthy of Emp. I feel so bad for him, because I love him but I cannot help it when my mood gets bad and I get angry and irritable and he is the one who is there- he is always there for me- to take my anger out on, even though I don't mean to. I cannot help it. I don't deserve the great people I know. I don't even deserve to know them. I just don't feel like anything anymore, except for pretty low-down and unworthy.
"I hope when you think of me years down the line, you can't find one good thing to say.
posted
:: hugs :: takes things one day as they come, one day at a time, I'm not sure I can offer much else. Satyagraha
Posts: 1986 | Registered: Apr 2001
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Index - Emp obviously thinks you're worthy. You must realise that your feelings of unworthiness are manifested from within. You're well loved in these forums, and Emp has shown again and again that he's proud to be with you. And while you shouldn't judge your worth by what anyone thinks of you, you need to at least realise that he's with you for a reason - and they're all good ones.
Call the psychologist, you need help. In the meantime, don't be so hard on yourself, try and look after yourself as much as you can. But please, get help as soon as possible.
I don't know anything about anything, but it sounds to me like you could do with hassling your psychologist until something happens. It's now the end of the week, as you said, so perhaps you could call and ask what's going on.
Does music affect your mood in a big way? If so, perhaps it'd help to listen to something else. I used to have a tape of fun 60s music that I'd listen to just to have a laugh and feel good about things... wonder where that's gone, that might come in useful. I also used to listen to the Lighthouse Family (British soul band) - I love them because their lyrics speak both to sadness and to hope. I've also got into classical music more recently and that helps to relax me. I find that exercise helps too - I go ice-skating and swimming once a week each (which I know isn't very much, but the weather isn't good enough for tennis yet and I loathe running and gyms) and that keeps my mood up, especially at the moment where otherwise I'm stuck in my room working for finals.
Posts: 1550 | Registered: Jun 1999
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Oh that feeling is so familiar to me! You describe it perfectly. It's particularly prevalent among smart and talented people. People with great gifts, which you seem to be. Quite often it first hits at around your age. It may hit you off and on from now on.
1) Know that your feelings of worthlessness are your brain lying to you.
2) Natural anti-depressants I rely on very heavily are getting enough sleep and getting regular sleep, eating regularly and well, getting outside in the sun, and getting lots of exercise every day. I like to run which seems to make me feel the best. A whole lot of distance runners are people who run for this reason, I've found.
3) Antidepressant drugs help to kick you out of the spiral when you get where you can't function or are a danger to yourself. Get some doctor to give you some. Doesn't matter who. Doesn't have to be a psychiatric type. I happen to think 99% of those are worthless apart from the drugs they can prescribe you.
4) Tricks for getting through the worst of the anguished times: listen to soothing music until you fall asleep (I'm always up late for some reason, on my misery nights. If I can fall asleep I usually am better in the morning.) Talk to a friend. Feel free to talk to me anytime you see me on (theropeofallah on aim or email me at annekateard@hotmail.com). (Don't choose a friend who will just get frustrated or yell at you to snap out of it. If only it were that easy!) Drink from the reasons that hold you alive. Think about people you love who need you. I try to remember my nieces and how much they love me and I them. Sometimes this doesn't work because your brain is in the mode where it's telling you they'd all be far better off without you, but that's also a lie.
It's a battle sometimes. But there is a reason we are like this. It's part of who we are, and great gifts come along with this capacity. Also there are things you learn at the brink of the abyss that you can't find out any other way. <<<<<hugs>>>>> Good luck. Hold fast to the rope. Accept the gift.
quote:And hold fast, all of you together, to the rope of Allah, and be not divided among yourselves, and remember Allah's favour upon you; how ye were enemies and he joined your hearts in love, so that by his grace ye became brethren. And how ye were on the brink of an abyss of fire, and he did save you from it. Thus Allah makes clear his revelations unto you, that ye may be guided.
Sura 3, ayat 103, translation by Mohamed Marmaduke Pickthall.
[ May 02, 2003, 08:06 AM: Message edited by: ak ]
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Thanks you guys. You are all so wonderful. I really appreciate it. Sadly enough, I still feel awful. I always have sad/angry/scary dreams- never anything else- and I used to never even remember my dreams. Now they are all like this and it is beating down on my psyche. I will put the last dream I had in here as an example soon, but right now I have to go to school. Yippee. Thanks again everyone...
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I don't like the idea of family physicians prescribing psychoactive drugs. They often don't know what to watch for. There's no substitute for a good therapist. And "good" is defined by you -- can you work with that person and make progress?
About the feelings of low self-esteem, and then consquent guilt after you take out your anger & frustration on those around you. I just have to say from personal experience that it is VERY tough to take. But a committed person will stick with you through it as long as you are seeking help and at least trying. They know you'll slip up and lose control every once in awhile. They may bug you to take your meds or go see the therapist if you start in on them too often. But really, a person that understands what you are going through and can handle it deserves a lot of credit.
Don't sell yourself short. If you could only see yourself through his eyes, you'd know that you are obviously worth the time, the attention, and the love.
Your feelings of guilt over beating up on him only compound your own self-doubt, right? It is a very viscious cycle. Somehow you have to break it. That takes a lot of help. And objectivity too.
I hope you find a great therapist and you don't decide to jettison all the people close to you. They don't want you to. But when people are depressed, they often think that everyone would be better off if they weren't having to deal with it all the time. Let them decide how much they can handle, okay?
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I've gone through a lot of depression and feelings of unworth in my life, but I've come to realize something, and maybe it will help you. The people that choose to share their lives with us, and many of those that don't choose to but do anyway (like our families, for example), are not blind to the things we don't like about ourselves. The people that love us know our bad parts as well as our good parts and they still choose to be with us. So when we feel like we're unworthy to be around other people, like we're not good enough for them, we have to remember that it's not for us to judge that. They have made their own decisions and have found that the good parts are at least worth the bad parts. And if they have decided that we are worthwhile, then why shouldn't we feel that way as well?
Try not to be so hard on yourself. No one gets an instruction manual with life, and we all just do the best we can.
Posts: 4534 | Registered: Jan 2003
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Yes you DID feel any better after reading the replies, even though you didn't realize it. It showed in your second post, you thanked us which means you felt somehow grateful, which means you have felt some spark of joy, however small.
So hold on to the rope, come back here and tell us about your dreams. We are here with you.
My practical advice would be to
a) Drink lots of water b) Keep a daily list of your moods, of how you slept, of other factors that seem important to you when it comes to sudden mood changes. You might discover some triggers or a pattern that can help you get control over them.
Posts: 1247 | Registered: Apr 2000
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The Mountain Goats are a pretty cool little band, but I don't know if I'd want to listen to them while I was depressed. Music always has a big affect on me, especially if I'm depressed.
I used to have terrible mood swings back in high school and although I have never seriously considered suicide, I did feel hopeless, unloveable, unloved and suffered from a complete lack of motivation. I still struggle with all of these feelings (especially the lack of motivation) so I know what you are talking about.
I don't know you at all really, but judging from your posts you seem like a wonderful person. I'd just like to join in with everyone who's posted on this thread to encourage and support you. There's some great advice and some great hearts here.
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*huggles* one step in front of the other, one step at a time. You can do it. Don't believe the feelings-you're a great person!
Posts: 3493 | Registered: Jul 2001
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Scary world isnt it? It gets worse everydayfor a person sometimes. Trust me I've been down dark roads and seen and done darker things. But you know what pulls people like us out of it is other people offering a little hand. Next thing you know you find yourself with a new friend and brighter paths. You have plenty of people offering hands here but I'm offering mine too.
Posts: 113 | Registered: Apr 2003
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Thanks you guys. You all made me feel a lot better.... and yeah, my family doc perscribed me anti depressants which I won't take till I see a psychiatrist. And I had a talk with Emp... he said just what you said Bob, that he understands what I am going through and that he wouldn't leave me just for something silly like that. Thank you guys all for all the hugs and reassuring words, and thanks for giving me really great advice. You guys are all wonderful =) And I am thinking bout a trail ride... hehe. Thank you all ever so much. ((((HATRACK))))
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Emp is a man after my own heart. I know what both of you are going through. I sincerely hope you make it. It takes a lot of work for you and a lot of love for him. But understanding is the key.
Don't give up. Ever.
At its worst, this disease is not all there is to you and your worth.
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And at best, it's actually a great gift, which is more and more how I'm coming to see it. It's a whole suite of wonderful abilities and depths and sensitivities, with one side effect being a tendency to deep despondency under certain circumstances. All in all I would not change myself if I could. I would not be otherwise.
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(((((((ak))))))) Good, because I like you the way you are. You are wonderful =) Thank you for all your advice. I wouldn't want you to be otherwise, either. =)
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<<<<<<Index Card>>>>>> These are just some things I've done. You'll find what works best for you. You're going to be fine. We all are with you supporting you. Posts: 2843 | Registered: A Long Time Ago!
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ive been there and back and there again. youll get through it. Emp will stick with you, hes a good guy. God knows ive stuck through worse things for love. talk to me sometime. feel better and dont listen to depressing music. as a music junkie i can tell you that it wont help, obviously, lol
Sorry I haven't responded sooner. Been busy as all heck this weekend. Most of what I was going to say has already been said. Just wanted to let you know I read it and that I care about you. When you get the package that I am sending Wednesday, do me a favor and follow the instructions I give you. Posts: 9754 | Registered: Jul 2002
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I hate to interrupt whatever is going on between Emp and Bob...
... but I have more to bend Hatrack's ear about. I am sorry if I seem like I am complaining, but I just... I'm so sad. And I can't stop it this time. I'm having bad and uncontrollable thoughts and I can't stop crying at... well, nothing.
After the evaluation, the lady said she'd call me within like... less than 4 days, and it was almost 2 weeks before she spoke with my mom again, because my mom called her. I called the lady like 5 times and she still didn't call back. Anyway, when my mom spoke to her yesterday, the lady said she'd call today and set up the appointment. But still... no call from the doc. I feel awful that not even a psychologist cares about me. And I know that so many people care about me.... but I just don't FEEL like anyone does. Do you know what I mean?
And my thoughts waver helplessly between wantng to live and wanting to sleep without ever waking again... But I want to live. I just don't want to live like this anymore... Lines from the song Black and Blue run through my head-
Fading everything to black and blue, you look a lot like you'd shatter in the blink of an eye...
I can't stop this. I refuse to call that lady because she really DOESN'T care about me, and I don't trust her... I need a psychiatrist but after this, it will be even tougher for me to trust one... I don't know what to do.
Emp, I am sorry. Thank you for being so supportive. Thank you everyone for being so supportive, and I am sorry for complaining so much. Now, I guess Iwill go read myself into another world where everything doesn't seem so incredibly wrong. Posts: 219 | Registered: Jan 2003
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*hates all the incompetent therapists out there*
I'm so sorry to hear you're having problems with your doctor. Please remember that it isn't a reflection of you; it's a reflection of her.
You are in school, yes? I'm not sure how old you are. When I was in college, I took advantage of the counseling services there. It was free, I could go during my break periods, and I actually really liked the therapist. If you need to talk to someone soon, then definitely get in to see your school therapist. That's what they're there for.
Otherwise, hon, you and your parents will just have to get on that silly lady's case, or try to find services elsewhere. See if your city has any sort of family services. I'm seeing a therapist via my village, and it's only costing me $10 a session, and she's wonderful.
And hey, there's nothing wrong with complaining. I've been complaining about my jobless situation to anyone and everyone who speaks to me. It's simply what I need to do right now. If you need to keep talking, then talk. Better to let it out than to keep it all in.
In the meantime, do some nice things for yourself. Take a walk around the block. Buy yourself flowers. Take a bubble bath. Light a candle. Listen to some soothing music. Pet a cat. I find these little things can sometimes calm me and make me feel a bit better.
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Poor Index! <<<<<<<<<<<<<hugs>>>>>>>>>>>>>> That's awful that they aren't calling you back! Grrrr! I promise all the talk talk business is really no help. It's all about brain chemistry. Get some drugs to help knock you out of the spiral. You can get those from any family doctor. Any doctor at all, in fact.
The hard part is realizing with one part of your brain which of the other parts of your brain are telling you lies, and how to trick them and cajole them into doing what has to be done to make all parts of you feel better.
What your brain is telling you to do is lie in a dark corner and brood, for instance, when that will make you feel much worse. If you can manage it somehow, try to get outside during the day into the sunshine, or even if it's cloudy. The amount of light outside is so much more than inside, and it's full spectrum light, and all that light in the optic nerve makes a big difference. If you can manage it, try to do some good exhausting exercise every day. This will send natural chemicals into your brain that will help counteract some of what's going chemically wrong up there.
But sometimes it's so bad that you can't manage to make yourself do any of that. In that case you just HAVE to get some anti-depressant drugs. They knock you out of the spiral long enough for you to be able to get back on track again. I never take them for long, because I don't have to, but they are essential sometimes to life.
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<index>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> I'm so glad you told your mom and all. Do NOT push away all the people who love you during this time when you feel so bad. (That's another thing your brain may tell you to do that's wrong.) Let them love you and help you and take care of you. Love them back even through the pain. There is infinite strength in that to pull you through. Hold fast to the rope. Accept the gift. We are praying for you.
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It sucks I know. But you are cool and special, and you have a magic color changing horse. How many other people can say that? Thats what i thought, none. so youve got a good thing goin.
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Thanks guys. I'll take all of that great advice. And thanks, AR, I guess I should be proud of my color changing horse. Too bad my mom is going out tonight and I can't go to see him... Wow, it's been a week since I saw him. If this goes on any longer, I'll die from having withdrawls. Heh. But thanks, guys.
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quote:I promise all the talk talk business is really no help.
I agree with a lot of what you say, Anne Kate, but not with this. It really depends on the circumstances. At their worst, psychologists pick at the wrong places, make people insecure, and create problems where there are none. At their worst, psychiatrists view people as nothing more than a collection of chemicals and prescribe drugs for everything. Psychology and psychiatry are both in their infancy, and there are a ton of incompetents and quacks in both fields. Frankly, at times it seems like a (hopefully slim) majority are quacks and incompetents. A lot of us have encountered incompetents and still bear the scars and the bitterness.
If your problems are rooted primarily in chemistry, then you need a psychiatrist. But not all problems are. Some problems are rooted in your life experiences. Mine were like this. If I had gone to a quack psychiatrist, I would probably have developed a lifelong dependence on drugs to mask my symptoms, when what I needed was to work through some bad stuff. Sadly, psychologists came too late into my life, at a time when I had found my own imperfect way through the darkness, but what I needed was a psychologist, not a psychiatrist.
I think it's a wonderful thing that psychologists and psychiatrists are starting to work in tandem, instead of sneering at each other. (It doesn't change the fact that most of them are quacks, but all positive change takes time, neh? ) Working together, hopefully they can determine what is truly best for a person, instead of pushing their particular paradigms like medieval religions.
But I wish you wouldn't recommend to people that they never see psychologists.
Posts: 13680 | Registered: Mar 2002
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But even if one's problems arose because of bad stuff in one's life, they manifest themselves in the form of altered chemistry and even altered brain morphology.
Talking and understanding your problems is a great help, but I believe friends are the real people to share your sorrows with. They actually care, as opposed to professionals who are required by law not to care.
[ May 08, 2003, 06:42 PM: Message edited by: ak ]
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posted
Talking with friends is a good thing, and it can be very helpful. But, under the best of circumstances, an intelligent and well-trained and experienced psychologist who is not a quack is likely to ask the questions you don't want to answer but need to, whereas your friends may be the type to do this or they may be the type to want to help you avoid unpleasantness. A good psychologist may help you realize that what you need to do is something that you are avoiding because you find it unpleasant, whereas some friends will help you avoid unpleasant things. It's very common for your friends to want to help you feel happy now, without being conscious of or having insight into what you need for the long haul. As far as the dispassionate thing, you need to be able to trust your psychologist, but you don't need to like him or her. A friend may be afraid to lose a friendship by confronting you with unpleasant truths, but a psychologist doesn't need to fear the loss of your friendship.
Of course there are a lot of caveats in the preceding paragraph. That's because, as I noted, the field is in its infancy and there are a lot of worthless therapists out there.
I do not believe that the answer to every psych issue is chemicals. I think there are appropriate uses for psychologists and psychiatrists, and there are times when neither will be of benefit.
Back when I used to be more screwed up, I hung around with all the screwed up people. Some of these people never got any help, some went to psychologists, and some went to psychiatrists. Back then, it was uncommon for psychologists and psychiatrists to work in tandem. People I know chose who they went to for the most uneducated reasons. Some actually were not aware that there was a difference and went to someone who was recommended. Some chose psychologists because they did not want to go to a pill pusher (I was one of them). Some chose psychiatrists because they believed psychiatrists were more educated and therefore more likely to solve their problems. (I suppose these people have a medical doctor fill out their tax return and look over their contracts as well! ) Each and every single person I knew who went to a psychiatrist was put on drugs. Not a single one of those people was ever taken off of those drugs by a psychiatrist. So in every single case, evidently, the de facto diagnosis was incurable chemical imbalance, eh? I believe psychiatry is no less in its infancy than psychology is.
I believe it's possible to cure some mental ills with medicine. I believe it's possible to mask some others without really curing them. And I believe sometimes you can resolve psychological issues with a trustworthy therapist who will challenge you to confront your problems.
It's conceivable that a friend can fill that role for you, but you really don't know how equipped a friend is to do it well. Somebody who only wants to support you, to make you feel well from moment to moment, to love you even, may not be the right person for this job. And just because somebody is your friend does not necessarily mean he or she is insightful enough to cut through the lies you tell yourself when you are dealing with psychological issues. It takes someone with an incredible sense of logic and incredible perception. Even if you have such a friend, he or she will not be a colleague of your psychiatrist, and will not be able to confer with your other doctors.
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My therapist has become my friend. I trust her, and she cares for me, I am sure of that.
Besides, why would someone become a therapist? I still happen to think that the good ones have this typical kind of the love of a healer that is their source. So they DO care.
I am telling you this, IndexCard, because I hope you will not loose every trust in those people. And I don't think it's an either/or question, getting helped by a therapist versus friends. I need both and I need them both hard.
Posts: 1247 | Registered: Apr 2000
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I only ever needed to see a psychologist once, but for me it was absolutely the right thing to do. What was wrong with me was only temporary - I basically burned out and needed time to recharge my batteries which I didn't get at school, and then it was just a case of thinking up strategies to make sure I didn't do that again, which is where the psychologist came in - he was really good at helping me get a handle on what was happening to me and I think that his being detached was necessary to that.
*hugs Index* But take the rest of aka's advice - natural highs like sunlight and exercise and the love of a good man are worth so very much, take time to enjoy them.
Posts: 1550 | Registered: Jun 1999
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When suicide starts to seem like a reasonable, sane idea, then you know you need to do something. When you wake up in the morning and the utter endless futility of life settles down upon your chest like a coffin lid. When you look into the future and see nothing but one day trudging ahead of the next to the grave. When you just want to be alone from now on, because the energy or desire to speak or interact seems to have left you forever. When every act becomes a weariness. When you have to trick and force yourself to eat, to sleep, to work, to breathe. Like me now. Then you know you must do something. But you have no will left with which to do it. So what you do is pare down to something you can manage. What you do is breathe. In and out. You can manage that. It's really all that's required for the time being. Is just to breathe. I don't understand why people must go through times of feeling like this. But I believe there is a good reason. I believe it is valuable in some way. We try not to have to suffer more than necessary, but there is still that irreducible amount of anguish that is just part of our being, for some reason. Perhaps we are suffering for others. I like to think that, at these times. Perhaps by so doing I am sparing someone else, maybe. Someone somewhere in some other universe, even. Perhaps someone who's not as strong as I. Not as able to bear it. And I can bear it. I've had long practice. Posts: 2843 | Registered: A Long Time Ago!
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I agree with all of you in a lot of ways. And ak, I know how that feels. It is how I feel right now. It is how I felt ever since my best friend killed herself and my dad died, and it only got worse after that through the things that happened. I'm sorry you have to feel that way. ((((ak)))) I think I've been able to bear it because I like ot think maybe it's taking it away for someone else, and I know I can bear it. I'm used to it... I just don't want to feel like this anymore. I want to be able to make Emp happy, and not always hear him having to say that it's okay, that he understands and he isn't mad. I want to be able to go into my mom's room after school or when she gets home from her date or whatever and tell her how my day was, without being afraid to add in all the things that I feel badly about. I want to wake up in the morning and look forward to the day. I don't want to feel sad that I had to wake up at all, ever. I want to be able to get in a fight with my brother and not be scared. I want to walk through the school halls and not get funny looks, or bemade fun of in my classes behind my back and have things thrown at me. I don't want to be a freak anymore. I don't want to feel unbearably guilty about every little thing I do, even if it is not my place to feel guilty. I want to be the me again that I know my mom misses, not the me that she thinks is falling apart and needs to see a psychologist or a psychiatrist. I don't want to NEED to see one. I don't want to feel this huge, empty hole in my heart where my loved ones departed from, and I don't want to always be on the verge of tears anymore. Maybe I don't deserve to want all of this.... but I just don't think I can handle it for much longer.
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Last night, and for a good portion of this morning, I couldn't speak. Every time I tried to speak, fear would flood throughout my body and I wouldn''t be able to utter a word. I managed to apologize to Emp and say "Bye" to his mom when she took me home, but other than that, I couldn't talk. Even that much was difficult. Even this morning, I couldn't answer the door when my friend came over to pick up some of her stuff (I had to leave it outside in a bag with a note) and I couldnt answer the phone when Emp called to say goodmorning. By the time I was able to speak again, I had lost my voice from not talking for so long. And I don't feel like doing anything anymore. I don't want to ride my horse, I don't want to take pictures of anything, and I certainly don't want to do any of my work. I haven't been doing my best on things, or maybe this is my best right now, but it feels awful. I can't get to the mental health office because my mom is always busy, she doesn't think that we should go- just call- and none of my friends (who aactually know about all this) are willing to take me. I am going back to the office on the 13th to fill out the minor medi-cal forms, and I suppose if she doesn't get me an appointment by then, I will just bug the people at the front desk until they let me talk to her. If she doesn't call back by then, my mom will be mad and give them a hard time too, until they do something. I have big projects due in little over a week that count for a giant portion of my grade, but I can't get myself to care enough to actually start on them. I really can't. I talk and joke with the people who are willing to talk to me, but still inside there is this emptiness, this pain, this... I don't know... that makes every movement painful and difficult, every thought fleeting and unimportant, and every person, just... there. Not that I don't care about people anymore... Of course I do. More than ever, it seems, or why else would I feel incredibly guilty about everythng? I don't know. All I know is... I want this to stop. And I'd say I needed a hug... but I'm so scared of anyone touching me, that I just can't ask for even that right now.
Posts: 219 | Registered: Jan 2003
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<<<<<<Index Card>>>>>> I understand that feeling. It's happened that I just gave up on school some quarters and barely passed or even failed some things, when I always made dean's list if I could bring myself to try. It's happened that I've just sat and cried for days on end. It's happened that I have had to crawl to the bathroom because I could not walk. It's a spiral. Most of how awful you feel is that you can't fulfill the responsibilities of being a person. That there's no reason for it. There's nothing wrong with you. You think to yourself "What are you whining about?" etc. You beat up on yourself and feel useless and worthless because of letting others down. Other people will even help you do this. They'll yell at you to snap out of it. They'll just write you off as sorry. They will be angry at you for it. All of which you agree with completely.
I know it's hard now to do anything at all, but you have to get some drugs just to knock you out of that spiral. I'm feeling the same way. And you have to drag yourself outside into the sunshine and do some exercise. All this applies to me right now as well as you.
Think of it as though it were heart disease or something. If you had bad early onset heart disease you would have to go and exercise even though you were very tired. You would not be able to do some things that you wanted to accomplish. You would have to let them go. You would be in some danger all the time of waking up dead. But it would be an enemy you could fight. It would be out in the open where you could set yourself against it and attack it with all the medicine and diet and exercise and knowledge that science can bring to bear.
This is the same. It's more insidious because it's internal. It feels like it's you instead of a disease. And in many ways it shapes who you are. Many good ways as well as bad. But it's something to be fought against. It's not on your side. It lies to you.
Read Dostoyevsky's stories. He was the greatest novelist who ever lived and he had this far worse than we do. Read the book "Touched with Fire" by Dr. Kay Jamison. It's the disease of the gifted. And many of the people we think of as the most brilliant artists, writers, musicians in history had it far worse than do we.
Hold fast to the rope. Accept the gift. I am praying for you. Please pray for me too.
Posts: 2843 | Registered: A Long Time Ago!
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I also know how this feels. Thanks for sharing. I have already prayed for you, I won't stop doing it. Posts: 1247 | Registered: Apr 2000
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posted
*hugs IndexCard and aka very tight* I'm praying for both of you.
Aka, I'm here and I love you, you know that, and I'm sorry I haven't been there for you enough lately... please keep checking in with me and don't hide from me, okay?
IndexCard... I don't know what to say except that I've been there and I understand how that feels. For me, the cure turned out to be massively simple - I got some time off school and went away to my aunt's house for a couple of weeks and I was just left to read and relax and get my energy back - I know for a lot of people it's a lot more complicated than that but don't underestimate the value of just disconnecting from all the things that put you under pressure and taking some serious time out. Perhaps you could talk to your teachers and see if that sort of thing is possible for you... if you think it will help, that is... And yeah, keep hassling the mental health office until you get the help you need.
Posts: 1550 | Registered: Jun 1999
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