posted
It went fine. All of it was just paperwork. I was praying like crazy the entire time in the waiting room that she would be nice and stuff, and she really is. She is still a student. I think she said she has her masters and is going for her doctorate, but she isn't licensed yet and still has a supervisor. But she is nice, and pretty, and funny, and she is not intimidating, which is the best part. I think it is okay that she still has a supervisor, because she is nice and everything I was praying that my therapist would be. Only one thing against her (but one major thing) is that she is not Mack.
Oh, and during the session, she kept asking me things from a little gray book. I think she thinks I am either bipolar or have panic disorder, because those were the two she was asking me symptoms from. I bet she'll think there is even more wrong with me in a few weeks. Heh.
She wanted my mom in there with me for this paperwork session, so I said okay, but it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. It was kind of better that way. My mom helped ease the tension by telling jokes and providing answers to the questions I did not know how to answer. And when we were all done, my mom gave me a big hug and said she loved me, and I felt like crying because that was exactly what I needed at that moment. I'm still shaken and stressed from the appointment, and the real appointment starts next week. I think it might be okay though. Alexandra looks like she might be barely older than my best friend, who is 24. She's really nice. Even my mom likes her.
posted
nudge her to look at the adolescent symptoms of PTSD. I wouldn't like you to get tagged with the wrong diagnosis. Posts: 14745 | Registered: Dec 1999
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posted
Ok, post fast is over with, time to jump back into Hatrack.
Index, I'm glad that you like her and I hope things work out. Paperwork? Bah, I hate paper work and you can quote me on that.
Posts: 9754 | Registered: Jul 2002
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How will she be able to tell if it is adolescent PTSD or bipolar disorder? Or both? If she is just starting out at this, not yet lisenced, and already thinks I am bipolar and have panic disorder, and since the symptoms overlap completely, how will she be able to tell which one it is, if it is either?
posted
IC, the very very best person of all to discuss these questions with is her. Not that it isn't okay to ask other people for ideas and opinions too, but for the best chance to have things work out effectively, you really have to ask her these questions.
quote:I noticed that you were asking questions from the bipolar and panic attack lists. How would you tell the difference between the two?
I'm worried about getting the wrong diagnosis -- could you explain to me how you go about making a diagnosis?
I was speaking to a friend of mine and she mentioned PTSD. Can we make sure to talk about this too?
and yes, even
How much experience have you had? Could you tell me about your training and treatment philosophy?
(from my perspective) Diagnoses may generally overlap, but there are specific criteria to be met which generally exclude other disorders. More than one thing could be going on at the same time, but the real focus of therapy should be on taking care of the symptoms, and all diagnoses should be provisional anyway. Things can change. The important thing is to get you functioning effectively and without more than the usual sort of human unhappiness, regardless of the label.
And it is professional to consider a variety of related diagnoses. Asking the questions is as much about ruling diagnoses out as about ruling them in.
IndexCard, listen: You have to be frank for therapy to work effectively. That means ask around for help, but bring up questions, concerns, doubts, and criticisms with the therapist herself. If she was well-trained, she knows how to handle it. (If she wasn't, then you need to know that anyway. )
There's a lot of danger in playing around with drama or with playing people off against each other. (Not that you are, mind, but just a warning of potential future pitfalls!) It can be tempting to sabotage therapy by complaining to other people that it isn't working (friends, other therapists, etc), but then never address it directly with the source of the problem.
->The first part of that is okay, the second part is just shooting yourself in the foot!<-
Your life is too important to play games. You are also too smart and savvy to practice unhealthy personality traits that way, too. So muster up all the good advice you can, marshall up all the resources you have here at Hatrack and everywhere else, think it through --
and then bring it up with her. That's where the real work gets done. Again, if the real work isn't going to get done there, then you need to know that anyway.
Good luck! I'm very happy for you, but most of all, you have my respect. This has been very hard, and you rose to the challenge awesomely.
posted
What CT said. There are also charts to help make a differential diagnosis as well.
And I told you to bring it up with the therapist a couple days ago, I recall. Proper diagnosis takes a little while. At my work, we're constantly revising them every few months to make sure we have the right one, and we also do rule outs, as CT explained.
Often, we'll write down the primary diagnosis that we're thinking for insurance purposes (to make sure you're covered) and write down whatever disorders we want to rule out, ones we'll look at closely and examine symptoms.
Me, for instance. Last fall I had a diagnosis of Major Depressive Disorder and PTSD. However, there was suspicion that I had Bipolar Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder.
So: Axis I: Major Depressive Disorder PTSD Bipolar Disorder R/O Generalized Anxiety Disorder R/O
After a couple of months, things got shifted around as symptoms surfaced and were tracked. Axis I: Bipolar II Disorder, Rapid Cycling, Last Episode Mixed PTSD Generalized Anxiety Disorder
And no more major depressive disorder. The first line treatment for MDD (antidepressants)makes bipolar worse (from depressed to manic with no in-between).
Anyway.
I can answer questions and explain stuff to you, but you do need to work with your therapist and be honest with her about what you're thinking and feeling, any questions you might have about her and the work you two will be doing.
(Who herself is also Totally Awesome, by the way. Hatrack seems to select out some of the neatest women on the planet. Guys too.)
Posts: 14017 | Registered: May 2000
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CT, Mack, thank you both for your help. I really, REALLY appreciate it. I am almost happy about my first real session on Wednesday but still very nervous.
I wrote a poem about my ex boyfriend. I have been thinking a lot about him again, and I thought it might help me feel better to write it out. I was wrong, but here is the poem. Let me know what you think.
quote: There was never a fear so deep, never a pain so pure, there was never a light so dim, and you never seemed so sure
It's only been a week, you said you loved me since the day we met, you never really did. But it's taken a decade, how deep did your heart break for me to forget, when you meant what you said...
That you'd put me above everything, that you'd value me the most, but I'm in California, and you're on another coast
My tears were only water, my emotions only youth. You told me that you loved me but you never told the truth.
It's only been a week, you said you loved me since the day we met, you never really did. But it's taken a decade, how deep did your heart break for me to forget, when you meant what you said...
I thought that I'd be scarred for life, and maybe I still will, but my heart is mending- I don't want you back, there's no longer a hole to fill.
It's only been a week, you said you loved me since the day we met, you never really did. But it's taken a decade, how deep did your heart break for me to forget, when you meant what you said...
It only took a week, you said you loved me, since the day we met, you never really did. But it's been a decade, I know your heart wont break when I admit, that I meant what I said.
So, that's it. If anyone has comments or suggestions, I'd be happy to hear them. Okay, well, that's all for now. (((HATRACK)))
posted
Hi Index, I hope you don't mind my comment.
Maybe I am completely wrong, but it seems to me that the feelings you express are, for the biggest part of the poem, his supposed feelings. Except for the intro. I think the poem would be much better if you'd go on like the first 4 sentences and keep the focus on you and your feelings. But I have never been good at understanding poems. It's just that yours starts so well and then suddenly I stop feeling anything when I read further and I thought this was caused by you stopping to write about your feelings and bringing the focus on him.
Posts: 1247 | Registered: Apr 2000
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Well, parts of it are his supposed feelings, like you said, but most of it is how he made me feel.
The first and second verses
quote:There was never a fear so deep, never a pain so pure, there was never a light so dim, and you never seemed so sure
That you'd put me above everything, that you'd value me the most, but I'm in California, and you're on another coast
are how he made me feel about the relationship- he kept saying that he cared for me and all of that good stuff, but his actions made me think that his words were false.
The chorus
quote:It's only been a week, you said you loved me since the day we met, you never really did. But it's taken a decade, how deep did your heart break for me to forget, when you meant what you said...
are my very own convictions. That is me saying that, even though he said that he loved me- that he meant it when he said it all those times- I don't think he did. I am saying that it has taken a decade (figuritively) for me to forget him, and I feel like it broke his heart so much to realize that he did love me, and that is why he left me... or something.
The next verse
quote: My tears were only water, my emotions only youth. You told me that you loved me but you never told the truth.
is me saying that he broke down my self esteem so much that he made me feel like an idiot if I'd cry about anything, and that I was too young to know what my emotions really meant. In retrospect, I don't think he ever really loved me if he would treat me that way.
The last verse
quote: I thought that I'd be scarred for life, and maybe I still will, but my heart is mending- I don't want you back, there's no longer a hole to fill.
is basically self explanatory. I thought I would never get over him, and maybe I will always think of him at times, but I have Emp now =) and Emp's love is what filled the hole that Elliot bore into my heart.
Ginette, thank you for your suggestions. Thinking about and writing out that explanation was more theraputic than writing the actual poem. =)
Hope everyone is having a good day/week so far. =)
posted
Yay, I am. Having a good week. The weather is lovely, today I had the first ripe strawberry from the garden. Our pup learned to swim in the river just a couple of days ago. He loves it. And I got a galery interested in my husband's art, they took two of his pieces to sell .
Posts: 1247 | Registered: Apr 2000
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Okay, so, today will be my first real session. I did not think I was so nervous but maybe I am because I have been throwing up all morning. There is nothing left inside of me but I still feel like I am going to throw up. Oh God, wish me luck, keep me in your prayers, and hope I do not die before I make it to my first session... Posts: 219 | Registered: Jan 2003
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Noemon, thanks. Yes, things are going better now, though I have some trouble keeping the fear at bay, but I manage .
I am praying for you, Index. I am sorry you feel so sick. Doesn't have to be nerves, maybe you ate something bad? I sure hope it doesn't spoil your first appointment.
Posts: 1247 | Registered: Apr 2000
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I am skipping my second appointment because it is Emp's and my brother's graduation that day... But the first appointment last week went fine. We mostly talked about horses-- she asked me questions and I told her all I could to answer her infinite questions about my favorite sport. =)
Posts: 219 | Registered: Jan 2003
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Okay, I have another question, so I am bringing back the ol' Unloveable Hand thread. How will I know when my therapist makes a definite diagnosis? Today, in my appointment, we were talking and she said "Yeah, okay then I think it most definitely is PTSD." I figure that is what it must be... but her main objective that she put for me on the objective sheet (that we have to give to the people providing the minor medi-cal) was to stabilize my moods by October 28 using mood stabilizers. She hasn't done that yet, I think she just put in a referral to the actual psychiatrist... I don't know much about that either... but I mainly want to know, do I have to wait to talk to the psychiatrist before she can make a definite diagnosis, or when and how will I know? Please, anyone who can help me with this, I'd really appreciate it.
Posts: 219 | Registered: Jan 2003
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posted
Most likely, they'll make the definitive diagnosis together. I bet you she's got a working diagnosis right now and is waiting for the consult with the psychiatrist.
That's how it works in my office, anyhow. Posts: 14745 | Registered: Dec 1999
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Thanks, Mack. =) I kind of was thinking that was what she'd do, but I know nothing about these things, so I didn't want to make any assumptions. So thank you =)
Posts: 219 | Registered: Jan 2003
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Things are not good right now. Not at all. My best friend Danny is out from Arrowhead and Danny, Emp and I have been having fun... We all went to a ska show at KFC. My brother's band was playing with some other really well known ska bands and we were all sitting a little ways away listening to the music and out of nowhere, flashbacks. Horrible, awful flashbacks that would not leave my head. I was shaking and crying and my friends looked so scared. I felt like I was in the moment and it was happening for the first time, and that I did not know what would happen next and then I saw it and it was awful, and all of the sudden, I was back in the KFC parking lot. I was so hot inside and I was scared as hell and I was freezing cold, all at the same time. It felt like the fear and pain inside my heart was clawing its way out and that it would kill me, and if it didn not kill me surely the lack of oxygen around me would, and if not that, than the freezing cold night air when my body was so, so hot... And then it was gone, and I felt this emptiness, this abandoned and completely alone feeling that left me with nothing but pain. But the worst part, out of all of that, is the guilt that I feel for having disturbed my friends and the few people that were around me watching as my body shook convulsively, the few people around that watched my friends standing next to me, afraid to even touch me. And now I am depressed, for night time has officially set in and I fear what dreams may come should I finally fall asleep.
Posts: 219 | Registered: Jan 2003
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posted
'S okay, Index. Sometimes your body has to work things out, too. And the dreams will help you, too. Even if they are fearful, remember, it is your psyche's way of dealing with pain. Your friends were there for you - you should never feel guilt for that. When you are well, perhaps you can be strong for someone else when he or she goes through this kind of experience. We're here, you're safe - there is a web of love around you and even when you are empty, we are holding the end of your lifeline. Keep journaling and reaching out. You'll get through.
Posts: 3141 | Registered: Apr 2000
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Thanks, Jenny. I know that my friends are here for me, and I cannot help feeling guilty because of that. Heh. I can't see Alexandra until Wednesday. I wish I could, because this is too much for me. Or it seems like it is. I have to stick it out and get through it though. God, I hope beyond hope that I will be able to get over this.
posted
Things are so scary right now. I can't handle it. I thought long and hard tonight about taking the last of my pills, but luckily my friend Danny decided to stay another night at my house and he just started talking to me and telling me stories and making me laugh. I'm so depressed. I can't wait till Wednesday. I've been haunted by memories- some old and recurrent and some new, things that I had blocked out, or things that I never found scary before. But the memories plague my mind constantly now. I had the worst migrane of my life tonight. It got so bad that all I could do was lay there. I could barely open my eyes. It's gone now-- what, 4 hours later. I just laid there, every now and then being shaken violently by a flashback, and then shaken back to reality by Danny's worried voice. He kept talking to me and telling me stories as he sat there on the edge of my bed, just like a best friend should, and finally worked me out of my headache and out of the flashbacks. I took my migrane medicine five hours ago. The good thing about it is that it gets rid of the migrane completely. The bad thing is that it seems, lately, not to kick in for at least an hour and a half. It's called Axert. I'm so depressed. But more numb, not sad. Okay, that's not true. I'm plenty sad.
Depression n. 1. An area that is sunk below its surroundings; a hollow. 2. Also see Shanna FranklinPosts: 219 | Registered: Jan 2003
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posted
Index, is it Wednesday for your next appointment?
Call your therapist and ask if you can come in today, as an emergency, if not then at least talk to her by phone.
I resisted calling my therapist, because I figured it would do much good to talk to her on the phone anyway. But one day, when all Hades broke loose over the situation I'm currently dealing with - I did call her and I'm so very glad I did.
She was able to talk me through some things, and by the time we finished on the phone I had a coping strategy that worked.
I will tell you that when I've had to call either for medical or therapeutical reasons - No doctor or professional has ever suggested I didn't need to call. It was always the right thing to do. If you need to talk to your therapist - CALL NOW
Your therapist will not want to have you in such pain and in such a state. She would much rather you call her, I promise. Ask Mack - one day when mack was talking to me she told me to call, when I protested she said if I were her client, she would want to talk to me.
((((Index)))) Oh sweetie, I wish I could help more. But your therapist can help you - so please call her.
Posts: 14428 | Registered: Aug 2001
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posted
I tried. I can't remember her phone number and I don't have a business card, nor do I know exactly what the place is called. I sure am on top of things these days.
Posts: 219 | Registered: Jan 2003
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IndexCard, this is important to follow through on. Please ask your mother for help in figuring out the number.
Sugar, I'm glad you have the energy to speak so eloquently here at Hatrack about your problems, but I'm afraid that you may exhaust your stores by doing so. Writing can be therapeutic, sharing stories can bring insight, but I really do worry that you may put so much time and energy into explaining yourself here that the real (read: "potentially life-saving") hard tasks will be pushed to the side. That scares me. Your focus has to be on keeping yourself safe, first and foremost.
You know you have a lot of people to call on for support here. Many of us do this, and it's a great relief. But we'd be remiss (and we'd be pretty poor friends) if we didn't strongly encourage you to primarily spend what concentration and focus you have -- when it is so severely limited -- with the trained professional who knows the most about you and what to do next.
Talk with us, but focus on your therapist. While you're so drained and overwhelmed, that has to be a priority.
You are much, much too important to us for it to be otherwise.
posted
Well, still no luck on getting the number. I have to remember tomorrow to get a business card from Alexandra. I've been confused lately, even with my emotions, I'm sad but I'm so happy... I don't think I have ever been so ambivalent in my life. I can't wait to see Alexandra tomorrow... that is something I never, EVER thought I'd be admitting-- to myself or to anyone else. It scares me. It makes me feel happy. It makes me want to break down and cry. It makes me want to pat myself on the back. I don't know which to do so I just don't do anything at all. And I hate it. I remember things lately that I haven't remembered for months or even years, and it hit me hard and made me dizzy and I don't know where to throw all of these new memories, let alone the emotions that came with them.
Posts: 219 | Registered: Jan 2003
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I had an appointment tonight. It went well. I told her that the flashbacks have been more frequent and more violent, and I explained. She said I definitely have PTSD. She wants to do a guided imagery with me, and I think that's cool. I've always thought it was cool, I never thought I'd be the one sitting in the chair though, instead of watching it in movies and whatnot. I feel a lot better about the decisions that I have made lately after having talked to her. I know that a lot of people have been stunned and saddened or angered by the choices that I have made with my life lately, but after talking to her I realized and felt comfortable with the fact that I don't need to justify my choices to anyone else. I feel that I have done the right thing, and that is what matters. For now, I need to look out for myself. For once. It's important now. I should have done this a long time ago-- gone to therpay, gotten past my problems-- but because I didn't, it got worse and I had to make a lot of people sad. And I am racked with, absolutely FILLED with guilt... But anyway, it went well. For those of you who care. And as I was walking out, her last words to me were these: "If you need to talk about anything, even if it is just to talk because you are lonely, you can always call. I'd love for you to call." I know you guys said that it would be okay but I still didn't really believe it until she said it without me asking her. And now I actually have the number, that helps. Hah, but just my luck, they won't have an office anymore, so she has to call me for a phone session each week until they can move into their new office and get the SOC's approved for that office. Oh well. I think from here I can deal until Wednesday.
Posts: 219 | Registered: Jan 2003
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posted
IndexCard, I'm sooo glad that you had a good session and were able to open up about what was happening. Sometimes you may need to talk (and you may be worried that other people don't want to listen -- BTW, that is not true here at Hatrack ), and sometimes you may be unable to talk. I think you have a pretty bouncy course ahead of you. But you're smart and strong, and you make excellent friends. Use those resources!
I don't think anyone can talk away the guilt, but try to remember that that can be "the depression talking," as Anne Kate says.
One last idea: why don't you send the number for your therapist to your own email account, so that you always have an online record of it? Or even better, also send it in an email to a couple of friends. It sounds life is pretty overwhelming right now, and it's good to build some redundancies into the system.
posted
Guess what everyone? I got a job! I woke up to the phone ringing at 8 this morning and it was Gale from Subway calling about a job application that I turned in almost two months ago (or maybe more like a month). She started asking me all these questions, what job I want to work, (I said anything they have open), what I am doing this weekend, (nothing at all...) if I could get a work permit (since I am not 17 yet) and go over there right away... I went there and they already had the work schedule with my name on it. I work from 5 to 7 tonight, am off tomorrow night, work 4 to 8 Thursday, Friday off, and work 4-8ish Saturday and Sunday. I'm so excited. Minimum wage, but it's better than my oldest brother got when he started working at Togo's, which was his first job. Hehe. Just thought I'd share my excitment with you all. =)
posted
Hmmm, subway is my arch enemy, man i hate that jared guy. And the fireman guy, clay henry, he actually lives down the street from here, man those guys bug me.
But, since youre my girl and all
i suppose ill say congratulations and shake your hand. Ahh what the heck, I'll even hug ya.
Posts: 1612 | Registered: Jan 2003
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Index, Hope all is going well... I know your comp is dead right now, so you can't be on for some time, but thanks, again, for letting me crash at your house, I had some fun. Thanks to you, too, Emp, for being one of my best friends!
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